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Cleopatra Darger; ITS BEEN A LONG TIME COMIN BUT IT FINALLY CAME
Topic Started: Feb 16 2018, 10:00 PM (237 Views)
shotgunkid
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Name: Cleopatra Darger
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: George Hunter High
Hobbies and Interests: Swimming, world history, fine arts, street fashion, interacting with others

Appearance: Cleopatra is of an average height and weight, standing at 5'5 and measured at 113 pounds. Her build is best described as balanced; she possesses no noticeable paunch but isn't very thin either, and while her figure slightly resembles an hourglass, it's not much more than a slight contraction at the midriff. Her skin is a dark, rich tone, uniform across her body.

Cleopatra's face is framed by her naturally-done deep brown hair, styled in such a way as to radiate from the top of her head in many long locks that reach down to the shoulders. In very formal settings, she will occasionally wear a white, wide-brimmed hat over this. Her face is generally oval-shaped, with weakly-defined cheekbones. A distaste for makeup leads it to be minimally decorated; her eyes are fairly round and framed by long, straightish eyebrows. Her nose is wide but neat, and below it is a pronounced philtrum that connects to a pair of well-kept, but unpainted, lips. Her jaw and chin lines are fairly weak, and her teeth not only immaculate but also completely free of chipping and fillings, so the overall appearance is of a body taken care of.

Generally, she wears dresses or dress clothing to school; always expensive brands, thanks to her family's socioeconomic status and desire to look best. Owing to practicality, and recognizing the dress code as well as the casual nature of school, it's mostly the latter; but she dislikes jeans, even designer ones, and will almost always go for slacks or other types of pants. Her bottoms are usually dark-colored, and tops light.

Biography: Cleopatra Darger was born on March 10th, 2000, to Olivia and Bruce Darger, a pair of high-class individuals who were living in Atlanta, Georgia at the time. Both were, par for the course, businesspeople who led lives of urgency and luxury. They had a stable income roughly 150,000 USD/year combined, placing the family firmly within upper-middle class or wealthy territory. This meant an incredible amount of opportunities directed in Cleopatra's direction, especially early on.

After marrying and Cleopatra's birth, the family spent three short years in Georgia before moving to Chattanooga to pursue business opportunities related to the significant IT and financial sectors in Tennessee. Cleopatra remembers too little of her early years to make them relevant, but she did encounter many child development specialists during this period as her parents wanted to be sure she'd grow up psychologically healthy.

In 2005, Cleopatra entered the schooling system properly. She hit it off immediately, with all sorts of support being directed her way and the best tutoring, private schools, and their staff all at her parents' disposal due to their veritable fortune. Her early career was absolutely stellar, with her remaining on the honor rolls for two consecutive school years. She got along well with teachers, other students, and had a happy home life; while they assisted her in every way during work periods, Bruce and Olivia's guidance of the household was firm-handed, when they had the time to be present. As a result, she never developed any taste for gaming or computer use due to being allowed to use electronics so little.

However, she did run into problems in this period. Lower-income students who had entered her world through scholarships or lottery winnings or other methods brought to her attention, limited as it was, the existence of discrimination and stereotypes, and especially those relating to the wealthy: smug, condescending, dismissive. Finding herself disgusted by these portrayals, she deliberately began to do her best to be kind, understanding, and gentle. Her attempts were weak at first; others saw her behavior as groveling and responded accordingly. Even at this early age, she began to try to comfort others, break up fights, and bring peace to the classroom, without much success. The gap in experience created by the difference in incomes, and her lack of understanding of why conflicts came toward physical altercations ensured that she mostly made others feel worse, or herself a target.

The Dargers' lavish home had an oft-used pool, which Cleopatra used as often as she could. The feeling of moving in water, diving, swimming, and sinking made her feel more free to use her body than in other athletic pursuits, and she picked up the basics fast. Soon, she was running laps across the 40-foot expanse. Olivia and Bruce eventually installed swim jets and planned to give her more formal instruction when she matured. This pattern did not cease or weaken as she took very well to athleticism.

As the years dragged on and she grew older, the school situation continued. She matured, slowly but surely, and realized the true nature of bullying was simply irrational aggression, and there wasn't much to be done except resist the bullies. But in all social situations, she began to take it upon herself to be a peacemaker, create harmony in whatever groups she found herself in, and defend the weak against the strong. This gradually ended her state of social isolation, although many of the relationships she had built and tried to protect had very weak foundations at best.

In 2010, Cleopatra began to take swimming lessons with her local instructors. Her parents decided to make this a regular part of her life, deciding that it would be better than her becoming addicted to gaming or running across the Internet. In addition, school culture became more mature and oriented toward more serious topics. Fashion slowly, but surely, began to become a part of her life and dress; more than it had from simply being part of a wealthy family, knowing what was in and out on the street partially informed her dress and manner, although she would never become interested in the disconnected world of haute couture.

Looking her best was a concern, and she deliberately began to make her clothing and style choices a matter of policy. It was simple to understand what good street clothes were; all she had to do was look around and see what everyone else was wearing. Formal fashion proved a more difficult endeavor; subtlety and official standards were the order of the day there. Ultimately, however, after many false starts and more than a dozen discarded sets of fairly expensive clothes, she found a mode of dress that at once suited her and the high-class demands of style.

Around 2012, Cleopatra became more aware of the existence of discrimination through her study of world history. At once intrigued and horrified by the prospect, she dove fully into what was known about the past. The mystery and intrigues of civilization unfolding before her were too tantalizing to simply ignore, and night after night she devoured book after book relating to the ideas and practices of the ancients, especially those who were largely sidelined and marginalized. She preferred reading tales of the fabulously wealthy Mansa Musa to the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius, and of the kingdom of Zimbabwe than the short-lived nation of Prussia. It disturbed her how these stories invariably had the same tragic ending: colonization, destruction, and exploitation by one European country or another.

In addition, her artistic interests blossomed into theater and literature. Denied most Internet access and not having much time to make for television, Cleopatra never developed any interest in contemporary culture, instead experiencing art through her love of history. Her parents were far more willing to let her go to a play or the opera and read books, in any case. As with most things, they found it a healthier interest than electronics. However, films became quite an exception to the rule, as the medium has produced many classics and yet remains a highly relevant art form. Cleopatra keeps up just as often with the latest at the box office as she views decades-old classics at home or at arthouse screenings.

Her interest in present-day social justice increased, and she also began a brief affair with cultural revivalism that didn't last long. She became even more outgoing than at present, with a focus on trying to see the aftereffects of the injustices she had read about in the everyday world about herself. It didn't take long, but her desire to resolve social issues was overridden by the instinct she had cultivated to be deferent and polite towards all that crossed her path, unless their transgressions were very severe. However, she continued to behave in an unstoppably outgoing manner; other people were very interesting for the ways in which they were different, and her brain seemed to love company. But her reputation also involves a small amount of pushiness and constant whispers of her being a gossip because of this.

In 2013, Cleopatra graduated from middle school and enrolled in George Hunter High. Her grades were not stellar at first as she readjusted to the routine of school life, and her parents relaxed their grip and the flow of educational assistance. However, she managed to maintain respectable grades going into 2015 and 2016, with a C or better in every course. Her focus has largely been on math and the humanities so far, and as a result her other reports have suffered.

Her parents remain aloof from her social life by and large, thanks to the continuing pressures and demands of their high-paying work, but she still makes time for, and maintains a relationship with them. In school, she gets by largely on her almost saccharine deference to her fellows, and her reputation for such. Out of her deep desire to maintain harmony, she doesn't often bring up sensitive topics or rocks the boat, something many appreciate, but it also still keeps her from forming very strong relationships.

Cleopatra was a member of the Chattanooga Golf and Country Club, and made very frequent use of its gym and swimming club. However, she's about to age out, and has her sights set on seeking a university with one when she graduates. Other than that, she doesn't think much of choosing schools or careers; her parents, if strict, have never really compelled her to consider such matters.

In life, her outlook can be thought of as unconsciously conformist due to her ingrained attitudes. While there is a set of beliefs that she can be said to truly hold, in practice her speech and actions will defer to the majority in order to avoid the potential for hurt. This disconnect creates some discomfort, but one that she has long practice at concealing. In truth, Cleopatra believes one should stand up for oneself, seek out justice for wrongs, and directly and unflinchingly confront problems. She attempts to bring this and her actual behavior into line by using less direct methods of engaging her peers, but it remains a very unproductive way of approaching the world.

Romantically speaking, due to her upbringing and focused nature, Cleopatra is almost totally uninterested in suitors that may cross her path, and sometimes will profess, in a manner as inconspicuous as possible, a belief in saving until marriage; this means she's generally considered not worth the time, even if she does feel more visibly at ease when allowed to interact with others. She finds individuals of few words, and people who don't give off many social cues boring or even somewhat unsettling because of their unreadability.

Advantages: Thanks to frequent swimming, Cleopatra is highly fit and is capable of crossing bodies of water likely faster than the other competitors. In addition, her unrelentingly charming demeanor and reputation as a universally friendly individual may render many unwilling to act against her.
Disadvantages: However, just the same, that peaceable behavior comes from a certain naivete. Trying to hold alliances together longer than their natural lifespan, mend conflicts with little real understanding of their causes, and acting overly trusting toward others is a flaw on the island, one that will almost certainly lead her into massive blunders.
Edited by shotgunkid, Mar 25 2018, 10:30 PM.
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VoltTurtle
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Heya SGK, I'm the staffer critiquing Cleopatra today. Unfortunately, Cleopatra is DENIED pending some edits and additions. Relevant passages are quoted, and my edit comments are in teal.

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street fashion, interacting with others.


No period necessary, here.

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her figure slightly resembles the hourglass


"An hourglass" not "the hourglass".

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but is well aware of its outmodedness elsewhere


This is somewhat too informal for a profile, go ahead and delete it.

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A distaste for make up leads


Makeup is one word.

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The chin is slight, and


Her chin instead of the chin. Additionally, what do you mean by "slight" here? The current phrasing leaves that unclear.

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In 2006, Cleopatra entered the schooling system


If Cleopatra is to be 18 by the time of the senior trip, she needs to have started school in 2005 (since she would have been five years old and started kindergarten).

(Also, school system instead of schooling system.)

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not very successfully, of course.


This is a pretty informal turn of phrase for a profile, either delete it or change it to a more formal "even if her attempts weren't very successful."

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In 2010, Cleopatra began


So up to this point (2010, when Cleopatra was 10 years old) she didn't have any hobbies, or things she had begun to dedicate her time to? Most children pick up at least one or two hobbies before they turn 10. Please either adjust the date listed here (and possibly the later dates too) or give a mention to one of her other hobbies earlier in the profile.

Quote:
 
She proved to take well to the athleticism, and her parents decided to make this a regular part of her life, deciding that it would be better than her becoming addicted to gaming or running across the Internet. In addition, school culture became more mature and oriented toward more serious topics. Fashion slowly, but surely, began to become a part of her life and dress; more than it had from simply being part of a wealthy family, knowing what was in and out on the street partially informed her dress and manner, although she would never become interested in the disconnected world of haute couture.


These are your only real mentions of two of her hobbies (fashion and swimming). All hobbies should have at least one paragraph dedicated to them, explaining not only how the child got into them but also what they like about said hobby, or otherwise why they continue to participate in it if they don't like it.

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The greatness, horrors, mystery, and intrigues of civilization


Having this many descriptors comes off very informally, stick to just one descriptor (likely greatness or intrigue) to avoid this issue.

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In 2014, Cleopatra graduated from middle school


With the earlier change to her starting school in 2005, you should change this date to 2013, and likewise with the mentions of 2015/2016 to 2014/2015.

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but she still makes time for, and maintains a relationship with them.


This reads a bit awkwardly. Change it to "but she still makes time for them, and maintains their relationship."

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In addition, her unrelentingly charming demeanor and reputation as a universally friendly individual may render many unwilling to act against her at first...
Disadvantages: ...but just the same, that peaceable behavior comes from a certain naivete.


The use of the ellipses here breaks profile format and is fairly informal. Please rewrite this to be something to the effect of:

"In addition, her unrelentingly charming demeanor and reputation as a universally friendly individual may render many unwilling to act against her.
Disadvantages: However, Cleopatra's peaceable behavior lends her a certain naivete."


---

In addition, I would like you to expand on her profile with the following things:
-Elaborating on her swimming hobby and especially her fashion hobby (see my earlier comment), as those are severely underdeveloped.
-A paragraph detailing Cleopatra's general personality and life outlook.


...And that's it. Post back here when you have all those edits made and I'll give her another look. :)
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shotgunkid
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don't take no guff
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Done!
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VoltTurtle
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Cleopatra is looking a lot better, but she still needs some more changes.

First and foremost, despite searching the whole profile for it, it seems that you didn't include a paragraph explaining her interest in fine arts like I asked. Please explain why Cleopatra is interested in the arts and how she originally gained said interest, or delete the hobby from her list.

Quote:
 
Hobbies and Interests: Swimming, world history, fine arts, street fashion, interacting with others.


You forgot to drop the period!

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In 2014, Cleopatra graduated from middle school and enrolled in George Hunter High.


You forgot to adjust this date to 2013 to coincide with the earlier change to her starting school in 2005.

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somewhatunsettling


You need a space here.

...And that's it. Post back here when you have all those edits made and I'll give her another look. :)
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shotgunkid
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Done as well, whew
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VoltTurtle
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APPROVED
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