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The V2 Read-o-thon; Olden days
Topic Started: Aug 24 2017, 06:45 PM (8,992 Views)
Laurels
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Cause what you see isn't always the truth
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
*slaps his face*

Hit me!

*slaps his face again*

HIT ME!
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Laurels
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Well, that was quick. Let me make the review more entertaining than this guy.

PROFILE:

This profile is full of contradictions and odd lines. Let's start with the appearance.

"Because of his farmer's tan, Randy prefers to keep his shirt on..."

Ok.

"...but with his toned abs and pectorals Randy has no problem going topless if the time is right."

So, he's okay showing his pasty abs and pectorals even though his farmer's tan embarrasses him? Why not just tan?

"Along with his impeccable pecs and abs, Randy has the tightest calves imaginable and can run a 4.65 second 40."

THE TIGHTEST CALVES IMAGINABLE. I imagine the skin wraps around and looks like stretched Play-Doh.

"can run a 4.65 second 40."

Posted Image

"Randy is known throughout the school as being a flirt. A real lady's man. Randy is a strong catholic in his beliefs, but maybe not so traditional in his views. Randy flirts with all the girls, but if he is serious with one, he cools it with the others, and never leads anyone on. He is a firm beleiver of God's laws and that includes "Thou shalt not kill", but Randy has come to learn that sometimes it is your life or theirs."

This is the first thing we learn about Mr. Blailocke. I like that his dating history also somehow relates to "Thou shalt not kill." As if his dating life tends to be riddled with danger.

"During the spring of his ninth grade year, the brunette learned the hard way that not all men are nice."

You're a late bloomer, clearly. Also, "brunette" is generally used solely for women. And why is that the descriptor you use? Why not "The Pasty-Abbed Catholic Lothario?"

tl;dr Randy gets in a fight with some guy trying to attack a kid and wins and barely suffers because of it. It never comes up again.

The rest of the profile blazes through his football playing and chess hobby (what happened to track?!?)

"...continued to play as a reason to stay out of the house and away from his mother."

Why? Last paragraph he was calling her because he was stabbed in the leg.

Annabelle also matters because they're workout buddies, but that's it. She's peripheral.

"Advantages: He is a really fast runner and has high stamina.
Disadvantages: He can't swim very well and knows very little of outdoor survival skills."

Surprised his whole "I know I may have to break one of the commandments to survive" isn't here.

PREGAME:

There is none, let's move on.

IN THE GAME:

There's three posts in two threads. Let's go through them one at a time.

Post One:

"His head ached a little but was not as worried about his pains as those of his classmates, especially Annabelle."

His head was worried for Annabelle?

Posted Image

"He knew the rules of the game, and though the brunette didn't want to be there(who did?), he was ready to what was required to win and get home."

He falls asleep twice in two threads. I'm jumping ahead, but his priorities are not in order.

"Randy really wanted to know what he would have to kill with this time."

THIS TIME?!?

"The last time he had to win big he had to do it with his fists."

Oh, that fight. So it did matter. Sort of. Kind of. Not really.

"Randy had always been against killing."

Posted Image

"Randy was disgusted by SOTF, but knew there was a chance that he would be selected, so he had gotten used to the idea of murder being a requirement to survive, and that God would not hold it against him if he was forced to be the bad guy."

A chance? The game's happened only once before? How did you know it'd happen the next year?

Also, I'm pretty sure God doesn't like people being bad guys. But you're clearly a lapsed Catholic, so do your thing.

"After finially getting to his feet, the boy decided to go take a look around. He had not gotten very far before he fell to the ground and realized that he would have to stretch and that even though he was knewly awaken, would have to sleep."

Let's go back a bit.

"Advantages: He is a really fast runner and has high stamina.
has high stamina.
has high stamina.


He woke up, stood up, walked a few paces, then immediately collapsed and needs to sleep.

"So, Randy stretched his cramped calves and his under used quad, and he got ready to search for somewhere to sleep."

Well, you've done a lot today (what day is this anyways? There's no time marker anywhere), so I guess you've earned that.


Post Two:


Oh, finally looked at the Death Order. He made it to Day 2. This post tells us why.

"After walking towards what he believed was the center of the island, Randy noticed a building lying to his left. Randy decided that if he was quick maybe no one would notice him and he could find somewhere to sleep inside."

Posted Image

You sure "narcolepsy" wasn't a disadvantage?

"Randy felt very quickly like he was in a familiar place. In the room he saw desks, textbooks and a chalk board. "A school... no duh" Randy thought to himself. "

...

He enters a classroom, goes into a classroom across the hall, goes in a closet and sleeps on the floor.

Me:
Posted Image


POST 3

So only now is he told he went into a Danger Zone. He's traded off to another handler for the last post, meaning his handler consciously sent this asshole to a DZ and then did nothing so a mod could kill his kid.

Me:
Posted Image

So Randy and his poorly managed priorities has a moment where he realizes he's in SOTF, especially since he's been asleep for hours again. He also just remembered he's had a bomb around his neck which has apparently been blinking for hours and is only now telling him to GTFO. So, he of the tightest calves and impressive "stamina," runs as fast as he can and manages to exit the school building, but settles to just being at the bottom of the steps. After some irony, his neck blows up.

Posted Image

CONCLUSION

Randy is three posts of contradictions, poor management, and absolutely nothing of note. He's poorly written (numerous spelling and grammatical errors) and has absolutely no story. He walks. He sleeps. He walks. He sleeps. He runs. He blows up. He's not offensive, but there's really nothing here, so don't bother.

My final reaction:

Posted Image
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Laurels
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I'll take another since we're close to the end.
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Laurels
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So what happens is that Sera Wingfield wanders into the mansion ruins, finds Wanda Lovett's body, reads her suicide note, and moves on.

Wanda is literally a prop for Sera's story to strengthen her resolve to find the Sisterhood and to make her aware of the realities of the game. There's literally no character here, so there's no point in reviewing the profile or anything. From the note in the post, I guess Wanda was submitted by her handler went inactive so she was just killed off.

There's nothing here, so I have nothing else to say.
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Laurels
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Oh, and another, I guess.
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So I read Jack Russell. Here we go.

Profile: What the fuck?

"Jack’s grades and musical talent has caused him to have the highest GPA in his class (this causes him to be on National Junior Honors Society)..."

"Jack is known for being a complete and total joker, it is rare for Jack to take anything seriously and this has gotten him in trouble in the past."

Um. No.

So Jack's mom is heavily pregnant with him and still coaching dance classes when " the excruciating pain and the weight of the baby caused her to collapse." Also "the charlatans she had to work" for some reason made a woman seconds from popping a baby out "go up on stage and demonstrate a ballet step."

Then:

"Her ankles where rendered almost useless and shortly after giving birth she was told that she would never be able to dance again she managed to inject her vein with an air bubble… killing her almost instantly. As if Jack’s birth couldn’t get any more disturbing future investigation of Jack’s blood proved that he was the product of an affair his mother had with one of the many male dancers she worked with. In a surprising act of nobility Jack’s father decided to raise Jack as if he was his own"

How do these things lead to one another? How does labor destroy your ankles? How did she inject her vein with an air bubble (I know how you do, but how did she?)? Why is the birth of her son not motive enough to keep going? Why did they investigate his blood? Aren't they concerned with the woman killing herself? Where's Jack's real dad?

Uh, it eventually comes out but doesn't seem to matter.

"A note where Jack fell from social grace would’ve to be in his sixth grade year..."

Oh good, we've gone back in time after describing his high school life.

"Jack found himself being bullied by some eighth graders and was thus panced in gym class and thrown into the girls locker room, with no pants or boxers on. The only catch was that the eleven year old Jack Russell had yet to develop…at all."

I have no idea what "develop...at all" means in this context. I'm guessing it means he has no pubes, but the phrasing makes me think he's 11 and his balls haven't dropped. Yeah, actually, that sounds right. Jack has no testicles. IT'S CANON, GODAMMIT.

"This caused him to become the brunt of many joke thorough the year, however this caused him to cultivate a friendship with Mai. She prevented him from becoming a social pariah and thus they’re very close."

Did he relate to her because she had no testicles too? Whatever. Let's move on.

Pregame: He has two threads, two posts total. One is on the ugly-ass old board and is shared with Jonathan Michaels. They're reacting to the murder and smoking. They're both insufferable, and the shared post makes it hard to tell who's talking.

The second thread is a homeroom. Jack appears once, but honestly, everyone here is so loathsome I didn't want to read too deep. Homerooms seemed better in concept than execution.

Game: Jack has only one thread where he's handled by his original handler. This is also the only thread where he interacts with someone besides Mai.

He wakes up nearly suffocating because his war hammer was in his bag and it was placed on his chest. Mai saves him, they look around for a bit. Tanesha appears, and he makes some really unfunny comments about her weight and skin color to scare her aware. Somehow it works, but now I hate this fucker.

After that is a three-thread continuous chain. He and Mai talk, but at this point, Mai's handler is writing him, so these posts are more Mai's than Jack's. Jack loses any sort of character and just becomes someone Mai has to bounce off and react to. He somehow figures out that he killed that chick in pregame just because he sees her taking pills and runs away (hey, a guy was stabbed to death in Vermont and I used a knife to make dinner tonight. Am I the murderer?)

After that is the final thread between these two. Again, it's Mai's post, really. Jack is just here to have his face and arms chopped off unnecessarily before Mai offs herself. And that's it.

Jack Russell Terrier is unfunny, dull, and solely a prop for Mai's story. Any character that is glimpsed in his profile is muddied under unflattering characterization and one-dimensional complexity. He loses all autonomy and personality once Mai's handler takes him over, and it doesn't make Mai interesting either. Now she's just a psycho who's taking her psychosis off on this dude because he's a friend, and that makes his maiming all the more shocking an action by her.

Oh, and this also made me realize my V7 kid Tanisha is super similar to this Tanesha, so I really have to overhaul the fuck out of this character to avoid comparisons. Also, Mai and Paris suck.
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