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Notes from an Even Smaller Island
Topic Started: Sep 23 2016, 08:47 AM (1,537 Views)
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[Lucilly Peterson, continued from the same thread as above]

She thought that she did not think that through, but through-out as Lucilly was, she trudged through the halls of the building. There was grime and there was rust and there was dust. She had to cough once and twice and for a moment - once or twice - Lucilly felt her stomach revolting. Revolting against the idea of this building, against the idea of this place and the most important point being the quality of the air.

She kept it in herself, however. For truly she had emptied all she had eaten already, so that there was nothing more to give to the floor, and yet she felt a pride in restraint. Yet what made her feel quite the opposite of pride was her current role in the group. Lucilly was so haste to leave the initial room that she found herself as the tip of the group. Her strut filled with determination, so easily to be mistaken as Lucilly knowing where to go with certainty.

The others did follow, and as they walked, Lucilly thought how terribly awkward it was to have them do so. She thought how terribly awkward it was to stop and slow her pace as well. For surely all will stop and wonder for a moment what they should do.

Then, they truly did stop, and Lucilly looked behind her. Now, a situation even more embarrassing, for she had forgotten in her decisive walk that Emma and Amanda could not.

"Of course! Excellent idea."
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Lucilly would have yelled protest if only she knew what it would have been that she protested. Of course, the obvious plan was to find a bed to rest. To find a thing one had to look for the thing, yet when Amanda motioned to open the door Lucilly found herself startled and almost she told Amanda to stop. Though she knew that was sentiment speaking, and not reasoning, so Lucilly said nothing and said nothing when the door stayed the way it was. Whether it was closed due to it's own state of disrepair, or if it was closed due to a thing of unknown properties blocking it from the other side was a question Lucilly could not even begin to answer.

She would have preferred to not think about it at all. Only nightmarish scenarios played and danced through her mind, and the chance to confirm one of those was a chance she was not willing to take.

Ah, if only she had known better.

Lucilly motioned as well and she motioned to hold the handle of a second door. And yet before she could do what she set out to do, she took a step and it was a step that was like no-other.

It was a step that sounded like no-other, and Lucilly would have sworn that she could feel that she had stepped with quick feet into a disaster.

Lucilly had a flashlight. She had it. She just had to point it down. She pointed her face down. Looked at her dark feet. She pointed the flashlight down.

It was small.

Nothing more but what seemed to be a brownish and reddish smear on the ground.

Lucilly gulped, lifted her feet and rolled it just a bit on the side so that she might take a look at her soles.

She stared. She kept staring. She couldn't feel her breath anymore, but she could her stomach revolting once again. All of the nightmares she had tumbling in her lucid mind. They all were so much stronger and all of a sudden Lucilly was overwhelmed.

"I... we- let's go. There is, there is fresh blood here. Let us go!"

Had one looked carefully, they would have seen the whitest skin ever to be present on Lucilly's face, but alas, one had to look very quick as well, as she was already zipping past her companions to where they came from.
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A voice called out for her name a first time, and another voice called out for her name a second time. It insisted for her to wait, but Lucilly could not hear. Indeed, her ears were working without much error, but her mind had shut all doors.

Lucilly ran and ran but mostly fell to her knees (if only 'almost' each time) and it was only Amanda catching up to her that Lucilly looked aside from what she could see and Amanda.

And with that, Lucilly stopped dead in her tracks.

The shock was there, indeed and undoubtedly. Had one looked closely, they would have seen sweat on her face and tears in her eyes. A face filled with sheer white. Even if one had looked less than closely, they would have seen and felt and heart a girl with a trembling heart. A girl that breathed heavy, not only due to the physical stress she put herself under, yet also the emotional impact of the sight she beheld, and the realization of her own actions.

"My apologies! I should not have!"
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Ah, it felt terrible to hear Amanda's confirmation, no matter how much Lucilly knew it was true. She should not have, but she did, for reasons she should not have, but which she did have.

And still, Amanda blamed her not, for the place was - as she put it with much verbal elegance - a seventeen different kinds of messed up, a seventeen different kinds to drive a man or a young woman mad and madder.

Lucilly hang her head in shame, not ready to meet Amanda's eye, a few tears dropping from her face into the floor here and there.

Amanda wanted Lucilly to calm down. Lucilly wanted Lucilly to calm down. Yet she could not. She wanted to be courageous, she wanted to be helpful, she wanted to be useful. She wanted all that, all of that in spite of her fear and hear grief and the tears and the vomit and the pain in her stomach. Oh, why could it not be so easy to say 'I am brave' and simply be brave afterwards?

Lucilly raised her head, and she raised to meet Amanda on an equal level. She nodded, sniveling and with tears still, but she nodded to affirm that her body had calmed down a bit, and so did her mind.

She wanted to go to a comfy bed, or a bed at all, and to simply lie down and sleep. She had hoped it would give her comfort, and if she was particularly lucky, she would awake the next day in her own. She knew such were mere delusions, she knew as much, and so she did not voice her wants.

"I will try my best, I promise."

Ah, she said it like that, and yet she was unaware of her own word's meaning. How could she promise her best to Amanda, if her promises to herself are so easily broken?

"We should... we can go back if you want."
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"I am certain."

She said, uncertainly.

It was a lie, and to tell lies was what Lucilly was never taught, but it was a lie she made nevertheless, for it was with noble reasons she swindled, and it was her own person she swindled the most.

Putting aside the pondering of intent's meaning and the fulfilling action, Lucilly saw that Amanda had let go of her shoulder. There was a moment of hesitation, it seemed. A moment of hesitation in both Amanda and Lucilly, yet Amanda was who took the first step.

Yet hesitated again, so that she could beckon Lucilly to follow. Lucilly nodded and affirmed, and as Amanda walked back to their common companions, Lucilly followed one and a half step behind.
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There had been little to no, and in truth it was none at all, further talk between Amanda and Lucilly. With each step taken, the voices of their friends drew a bit closer and closer. Yet it felt as if Lucilly experienced a heavy and deafening silence, a muteness, pressing down on her and pressing down on Amanda.

Though, she knew, it was an image of her mind, a trick played by the residue of panic. There was no silence, but instead there were steps and there was chattering and there was still that small spot of blood.

Lucilly looked at it once. Once and only for a moment, and quickly enough, Lucilly looked away, looked at Amanda and watched Jamie and gazed back to Emma.
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Lucilly and Amanda and Emma and Jamie looked for the one who had lost already, but they lost any trail - had they picked one up in the first place - and in the stead of a wounded man they found nothing. They saw nothing. They saw nothing. They felt nothing permeating through the very space they occupied. They felt it echoing across time. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Just nothing.

As there was nothing but nothing, Lucilly found herself sleep. Another form of nothingness, perhaps. Advanced nothing. She slept uneasy. She slept all too far from what one would call 'well'. Oh, what was it, she wondered again and again, as Lucilly woke from slumber again and again. There was no, but there should be a 'be'. The nothing that she experienced was a wound, bearing witness to something being there, and yet something she was unable to find.

She called out to the 'nothing', she called out the 'be' from it. When silence replied, she realized.

---

Lucilly had been drained. She had been drained of the contents of her body. She had been drained of her tears. As she heard the names on the announcements, she was simply unable to shed any tears, as there was nothing she could still shed. Lucilly - oh poor Lucilly - truly drained from all that was life and that once filled. Her words, her feelings, her resolution. Even the very essence of her own time had been inevitably cast away as her terrible reality ate it all the same.

She was surprised when she woke to another announcement. Except she was not.

Words filled the room. They hung somewhere in the middle of the air. She would have understood them, at another time. Nonetheless she noticed them. She rose up from her stupor and realized from whence these words came from. Amanda talked. She talked, and talked more and looked at Lucilly and she looked at Emma and Jamie too. The exact nature, the exact meaning of her sayings was completely lost to Lucilly's ears, but the heard of them was not. She understood. She understood the sentiment, and for a moment she felt rejuvenated.

Grown, new, and excited perhaps. Enough to wake up, enough to stand up. Enough to walk, shuffle, across the room to meet next to Amanda. She would have said anything, though her own tongue was lost just as well. She hoped, the gesture would be clear to understand.
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Lucilly had sought to find a direction. A direction for herself, found by herself. She realized that the great being who set the course of her fate - he was longing for direction just as much as she did! It was a thought of blasphemous character, but Lucilly could not help but to think it.

Jamie used a most improper word. Lucilly revolted internally. Yet when she did so, she knew that for once there was light rising in her.

[[Lucilly, continued elsewhere]]
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