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A World Of Sadness; [Open!]
Topic Started: Aug 13 2016, 08:19 PM (1,007 Views)
Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
((Asuka Takahara continued from It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)))

Asuka didn't know where she was going. Oh, she'd checked her bag, alright. She knew she had a map. The map didn't have a fucking thing to do with it. She didn't know where she was going because she didn't care where she was going, so everyone who thought that she was careless enough to forget about the map or clueless enough to get lost using it could shut up and go home.

Okay, so she would've gotten totally lost if she'd used the map. But semantics are important and shit, and so long as she wasn't trying to get somewhere, she couldn't be lost, right?

Yeah. Tell her she's incompetent. Go ahead. Tell her. She was gonna stick it in competency's face.

Asuka had rifled through her bag before coming over, of course. That's what competent people do. Competent people also think check their surroundings when they don't have cover, but Asuka didn't give a fuck. She'd thought of it, so what if she didn't actually do it? It was the thought that counted.

Food. Water. First-aid kit. To be expected. Also a WWI-era German gun, which would've been pretty fucking sweet if Asuka was actually gonna kill with it. Still, it'd be good for self-defense or something. Fuck the prepper community and all that, but Asuka could abide by their ideas now that she was actually living in a prepper's nightmare.

Not her nightmare though. Yeah. Her nightmares were better. She gazed into the abyss and shit. Seriously. Draw a comparison chart, you'll see who comes out on top. This nightmare was a fucking cakewalk, and to hell with her stupid shaking body and its stupid fear of death for saying otherwise.

So Asuka had stopped, taken a deep breath, picked a random direction, and walked. A lesson to her body, to show who was fucking boss. Walked across a bridge without cover, headed over to the gym without cover. Kept her gun out, because okay, she wasn't planning on dying this early even if fearing death was for dumbasses. That would suck. That would really really suck.

She stopped at what must have been the front of the gym. Her hand shook as she raised it to push the door open. Goddammit.

A moan of pain emanated from inside the place. Like that was going to change her mind. She was going to have to take some risks if she was going to be talking to people, and she was going to fucking talk to people because Asuka had stuff she needed to say, really meaningful stuff, and she was damned if she was gonna only soliloquy to the cameras. No. Fuck that. Go take a risk. Take it now. Present tense. Take it now.

Asuka pushed open the door.

There was a boy doubled over and a girl cowering in a doorway. Well. It wasn't like she wasn't expecting an anticlimax. And besides, an anticlimax is good here. An anticlimax is excellent. Shut up, disappointment. Relief's better than you.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
They were ignoring her.

Oh well. Asuka was too used to being ignored to mind. She'd spent a lifetime being ignored, even gotten to like it a little. She'd gotten rather good at staying invisible, at stepping lightly and leaving a light touch on everything she touched, because fuck do things go wrong when she leaves a heavy impact. And it was better to be invisible than to be hated.

Fuck, Asuka hoped these kids didn't hate her guts. That was totally, like, up to them though. It wasn't like she could tell people how to think or anything. But still.

Of all the times to cry about being lonely. Of all the reasons to cry when you're stuck on Hellmurder Island. No, it's not getting a rename. Asuka chuckled a little through her sniffles. God, this was pathetic.

Could've been worse though. She could've started full-on bawling or something. Except Asuka didn't think she could do that even if she watched someone get killed. That was pitiful in its own way, probably.

Shh shh stop your sniffling, get a hold of yourself, little girl. You only look towards yourself for validation, don't you? That's right. The hell with what other people think about you, your perspective, the things you care about. But, fuck, she needed to talk to someone about it. Needed to get it out there, because talking to herself all the time got her stuck inside her head and made her lonely.

It made her a nihilist and a solipsist. It made her go and dream the day away, because there was nothing that could be said or done that was worth saying or doing. So get your head out of your head, or put the outside world into your head, or whatever. Say your piece and live the dream.

And here she was getting her hopes up that maybe, just maybe, when most everyone was about to die, they'd all be able to find some common ground and set aside all the petty shit. Talk, listen, live and let live and all that. Die peaceful and happy and content. Together. That's what we all want, right?

Right?

And it looked like she was right. Because there was Penelope asking if Brendan was okay, and there was Brendan asking Penelope to take care of herself. See? It was glorious. It was beautiful.

Asuka needed to say her piece. Not as a speech, though. You don't shove the theme or message or whatever down the audience's throat. Yeah, it'd make them understand, but it wouldn't deliver that warm and fuzzy feeling that was the whole point of her message. It wouldn't work quite the same as seeing some doomed kids actually hug each other.

So as the boy bolted out the door and disappeared into the distance, Asuka turned to the remaining girl, Penelope, this girl who was scared of her for some reason, and she dropped her gun on the floor, and she said, between short sobs, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry about all this, but right now I really need a hug."

There. That'll convey something approaching the right message.

And also Asuka really needed a fucking hug right now.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Well, that worked. That was surprising.

Like, how many people react well to a stranger coming out of nowhere and hugging you? Not many, probably. It probably wasn't very socially appropriate or something. Social conventions could go fuck themselves on Hellmurder Island, so silver linings and all that.

And yeah, pretty much everyone here needed a hug right now. The pretentious bullshit could wait a bit; the girl in front of her was real people, and she needed a hug.

Fucking deluded, that's what she was. Everything she did that was worth doing was pretentious bullshit. The warm and fuzzy feeling was her intellectual trademark, after all.

Asuka broke off. Sat down. "Never met. Name's Asuka. And, like, normal icebreakers can go fuck themselves, y'know? So."

So give Asuka a reason to not just hide under a pile of leaves and turn into a vegetable until the next announcements.

"I like books and movies and drawing and stretching out on the roof in the middle of the night to watch the stars and wonder about the meaning of life. I drink a lot of coffee and sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night even though I don't know why. Your turn."

Yeah.
Edited by Zetsumodernista, Sep 10 2016, 06:07 PM.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
So, what gives?

There was plenty of stuff that Asuka shouldn't have a problem talking about. Tumblr, yup. Art, yup. Not the boyfriend bit, but she had her pick of material to choose from. So talk about that, right?

But fuck, it was gonna go to small talk so quickly. Not that Asuka was anti-small talk. That was baggage from her snobbish pretentious days, back when she'd been young and, um, not naive no definitely not naive because she was a cynical asshole except maybe kinda? She was naive about what it meant to be a cynical asshole. That was it. But anyways, Asuka was most definitely not anti-small talk, because that would mean that she was better than all those people who did small talk. She wasn't special. But, well, this stuff was. Right? Asking banal questions about what kind of art you drew, who follows you, who's your biggest influence...well, that felt kind of like she was defiling something, didn't it? Murdering. Kill your darlings and whatnot.

Well, she'd brought up escape. There was some good material there. Stand up, get over to the doorway. Give a small and sad and mysterious smile, and say that you hope there's an escape, you really do, but it's not for her. Her future was here. Her life's work was here. She was peaceful and zen and she'd come to terms with her death. And sure, maybe, in all the years to come she'd have a chance to do something as meaningful as this, but, well, reasons. Asuka wasn't sure. Could work it out later. But she was going to say something along those lines, because it'd be the meaningful thing to say. She could already see the scene in her mind's eye, and, man, it was beautiful and perfect and pure. She was-- she was gonna make it happen. She was

Stop. Stop forcing your scenario. It doesn't work. Just let it flow naturally, just do whatever comes natural, just

But she couldn't help it, was the thing. Like, define natural. Well, it wasn't like she'd never acted naturally ever, right? See, there was that one time, right, she'd said her mind, she'd told it like it was, and she'd done it spontaneously. Really really spontaneously, and oh fucking shit she was shitting herself because why was this so fucking hard why did she have to try so hard for this shit. Yeah, real natural. Asuka never did anything naturally because when she was being natural she wasn't doing anything. She was a ghost. A ninja. And ghosts and ninjas are cool and badass and shit. So, well, fuck shaking that up, right? Because, y'see, I know it might be kinda hard to understand cuz Asuka's shit at explaining this and okay yeah she's also a presumptuous little snowflake and there's no way anyone understands her and shit, most definitely not, but anyways when she was really in the moment, really really in the moment, her eyes kinda glazed over and her brain wandered off and then she'd trip over a rock or walk into a wall or something. Anyways, she wouldn't be talking. She wouldn't be listening. Fuck that. That wasn't an option.

Fuck it. Change of scenery, right? Usually the stuff around her didn't include people who'd be dying in the next couple of days. Well. Person. Unarmed and shit, so...yeah.

"I think most people are, like, afraid of being boring? Just cuz your life story can't be made into a book or a memoir or whatever. I mean, I'm plenty boring, I never accomplish anything notable, anything worth remembering..."

A light laugh here.

"But I wouldn't remember any of that anyways. It's all the pointless, silly tidbits that I remember, y'know? So it's all okay."

Just fine. Everything was just fine. Well, except for the boyfriend bit. That was, well. It was okay actually. No shits given here.

"So tell about your boyfriend."

Okay, a few shits given. Or something. But it was the nice kind of shit, the benevolent kind. Not the shitty kind.

"And tell me about your bad shit. And your good shit, tell me about your good shit. And, well..."

Yeah, that felt forced and scripted too. Because she'd already fantasized about how this little scenario was gonna go, and it would never be more meaningful than it was the first time she imagined it, even if it was actually real this time. And then she'd never be able to dream about how great it'd be to actually do it, because, well, she'd gone and done it and the magic was all gone, even if-- especially if-- it all went according to plan. She was going in expecting to be disappointed. Not really sure why she was bothering, really.

But if it worked, if it worked for Penelope and meant something to her, well.

Asuka would be okay with that. That would work for her too. Not exactly, but it'll do.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
So Penelope wasn't gonna die a virgin. That was, like, good. Good for her, right? It'd be a terrible waste of time to spend the rest of your life desperately trying to get some stranger to fuck her. They'd probably die in the middle of it, too. Out with a bang, slasher-movie style.

Not that Asuka was jealous or anything. She'd transcended such primal desires. Didn't even rank in the top five of her bucket list.

It wouldn't've hurt though.

And, if she was gonna make a connection here, maybe blood was a really basic primal fear, but hey, Asuka wasn't gonna judge. It was a phobia. Irrational. Smart pretentious people can have irrational fears. And it wasn't like Asuka had gotten any exposure to this stuff, right? So who knows. Maybe she'd find some latent fear, want, whatever. It could happen. You don't find out about that kind of thing when you're a ghost. And a ninja. Like, maybe fucking someone made you feel like you weren't going to die alone and lonely or something. Then fucking would be, like, really important, right?

Well. Dying alone wasn't so bad. It was, actually, it was pretty romantic.

It'd still kinda suck though.

Fuck. This girl was inviting Asuka to something. Tha-that was good, right? It involved dying meaningfully, and fucking off the terrorists, all that good stuff.

Asuka caught her breathing. In, out. Steady. She couldn't stay, as good of an idea as that sounded. Because, see, she already knows how this story ends. Too many new variables. Too risky. Yeah. And other reasons, too, but she needs some breathing space to work that out. Or she doesn't wanna think about it right now. Hey, at least she's self-aware about it or something.

"No," she said, her voice soft. She needed to elaborate or something.

"There hasn't ever been one. A mass suicide, I mean."

She stood up. She'd leave as mysteriously as she came. Which probably wasn't all that mysterious. But alas.

"If it ever looks like it'll work, I'll come. But until then..."

What was she going to do again? Asuka couldn't remember.

"I'll be looking for other ways to fuck up their game."

Right. That was it. Or something like that, anyway.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
And then Penelope was gone.

She'd been misjudged. Or she'd misjudged. Something like that. She could shrug and move on, tell herself or a camera or something that she could live with that, but, really, who was she actually going to kid.

Inventory check. She was doing alright. A little bit of irrational anger somewhere in there, but Asuka pushed it down. Now wasn't the time to run after Penelope and tell her she had it all wrong, all of it, doesn't she get that Asuka gets it, that she wasn't looking to escape or directly attack the terrorists or anything? But it'd be of no use. It wasn't like she was planning on joining Penelope's team or anything. Lack of tangible benefits had never stopped her before, though.

So. Why hadn't she wanted in? Was it her inner artiste coming through and telling her that she had to do her own thing, that she had to be a special snowflake? See, it's not pretentious if she says it ironically. There was the thing where her life had been suddenly turned into a kind of performance art. So she could excuse being a little flamboyant. Was Penelope's plan not beautiful enough for her? Put simply, and rather stupidly, yes.

Asuka grabbed a twig, put one end on her lips, and pretended to take a drag on it. It felt good, like she was actually her daily nicotine fix from it. Cleared her head and all.

People tended to disappoint you in the flesh. Asuka knew this because her meat puppet disappointed her all the time. But if you look at who they really are, when you peel back the skin and flesh and bones until you're left with the grey matter, well, that stuff is beyond your wildest imagination. You have to imagine it, is the problem. Because, well. You know.

Asuka had glimpsed Penelope, or she'd imagined she'd glimpsed her. It didn't really matter. What mattered was that Asuka could never deal with the constant reminder that she sucked at this, that she still felt drained and exhausted and empty after talking to people even when everything worked out the way it did in her dreams. What mattered was that it had been meaningful, and then it had been meaningless, and now she was feeling unsure, a little less steady on her feet. Well, a little more unsure. Unsure was her baseline.

But she still had her plan, if you could call it that, and she still had her goal, if that's what it was, and she was still going to make them happen no matter what, but maybe she was idealizing them, yes? No way in hell was she going to live up to her expectations. She could insert a joke about how that was the story of her life, but it was a little too true to sound like a joke.

Think, Asuka. Think. Clear your head. She took another drag on the faux-cigarette. Fuck, she was already building up an immunity to the thing. She took another drag. Giggled a little.

Stupid idea. She'd lost her train of thought.

Words were still echoing around inside her head, but for Asuka, they'd long since lost their meaning.

((Asuka continued in You Gave Up Being Good When You Declared a State of War))
Edited by Zetsumodernista, Oct 13 2016, 01:09 AM.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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