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Latanna Beckstead [APPROVED]; Bound for Meanwhile - Do Not Prioritize Critiquing Her
Topic Started: Aug 12 2016, 07:14 PM (245 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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Hate, hate, HATE!!!
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We've got some things to look at.


"language acquisition" sounds kind of weird. If you mean learning languages, just say that.

"A healthily tanned Caucasian girl"

"Healthily tanned" is odd editorializing on the part of the terrorists. Pale people are healthy too.

You need stubble in order to wax again. Wax needs something to grip to, so she'd have to wait for it to grow. I'm assuming it's her legs we're talking about? You may want to make that clear otherwise we might assume her armpits or her face which is actually what I thought at first.

"She wears her hair clear of her face and either straight-ironed down it's full length"

Should be "its full length" no apostrophe.

"Her hair is a dirty blonde, almost auburn when fully grown away from the roots."

What does this mean? Is she dying her hair and that's why her hair isn't its natural color and not currently grown away from the roots? I see no other hair color information indicating she dyes it.

"The Becksteads are a fairly ancient Mormon clan based in Salt Lake City Utah, functionally a conglomerate of a number of local businesses who would readily seek advice, investments, and employees from the extensive extended family. "

What does the last half of this mean? Is Salt Lake city a conglomerate of local businesses? Are they seeking advice from the Becksteads? If so, why is the whole city seeking advice of this one extended family?

"A number of the companies have grown capital to be able to operate at the state level,"

This is awkward and complicated. Just say that this particular company grew tot he state level and is successful since that seems to be what you want to convey.

It says Benson was "entrusted" with the company, but what is his title exactly?

"she dutifully studied scripture and learned of God's love and it's place in her life"

Should be "its place." It's is a contraction for "it is." Its shows ownership.

"Latanna was a good student in Sunday school, and when she started public schooling. Her parents had originally wanted to move the family to Phoenix to pursue private, religious schooling"

I couldn't find any Latter Day Saints private schools in Phoenix, Arizona.

"She was exposed to Hispanic communities, the conditions on Native reservations"

Should be Native American.

"With her family to witness, another baby girl on the way, she was officiated into Kingman's Temple in a somber ceremony. "

Sentence reads strangely. Her family is witnessing another baby girl being born? Is the "she" referring to the baby? What do you mean "officiated"? Is she marrying someone?

"This young she already endeavored to speak to crowds"

Comma after "young" or else it reads like you meant to call her a young [noun] and never put the noun in.

"Uncle Samuelson himself was an alumnus in Princeton"

"of Princeton" unless he graduated and decided to stay there. Also isn't his family also her family? What was their relationship prior to this point in time?

"She joined AP classes in high school, studying hard with the hours she could spare and organizing study groups and generally seeking help where she could not pass classes on her own. "

Take out the "and" after "groups" and add a comma to prevent a clunky, run-on sentence. You have a tendency to do this. Please look over your profile and treat similar lists of things accordingly with only one "and" separating the ultimate and penultimate items in the list.

Where did she go to learn about politics? What are her sources?

"She does not harangue her more liberal peers, and firmly believes in practicality and bipartisanship where possible, but her actions speak on her own behalf, in the campaign efforts she involved herself with on the school during the 2012 and 2014 elections, and with the things she discusses personally. "

This sentence goes on and on. Break it up for ease of reading.

"Student council" does not need to be capitalized. Neither does "freshman."

What sort of clubs does she champion?

What exactly are her grades that she has multiple scholarship offers to Ivy League universities?

Do all of the study and activities leave her stressed out? What is her relationship to her siblings?

I recommend reading this profile out loud and trying to make it easier to read. If you need to take a breath in the middle of a sentence, it needs to be shorter.

Post when you're ready.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Hate, hate, HATE!!!
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APPROVED
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Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5

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