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Emily Sing-Liao;
Topic Started: Aug 12 2016, 09:22 AM (287 Views)
Slam
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Mr. Danya
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In the future, please do not submit incomplete profiles, even if you know you plan to finish it shortly, as they distort the profile critique process. The imminence of V6 is not a reason to disregard profile submission protocol.


Emily is a good start, but DENIED pending some edits and elaboration.

You need line breaks between the paragraphs in your appearance section.

Quote:
 
At a height of 4 feet and 10 inches, and a weight of 130 pounds, Emily is slightly overweight


I’d remove the word slightly: at that height and weight Emily is notably overweight rather than just a bit pudgy.

I need more description of her facial features. Eye shape, nose shape, mouth shape, that sort of thing. Saying she has a rounded face isn’t enough by itself.

V6 takes place in April 2015: Emily couldn’t have been born in 1999 and be 17 at the time of the game. The correct year would be 1997.

You need a line break between the second and third paragraphs.

Why did Emily become less extroverted all of a sudden? It’s a fairly sudden shift in personality that doesn’t have any explanation right now.

Hiking and rock climbing can be dangerous sports to do by yourself out in the wilderness, especially if you’re inexperienced and young. I’d like to see some mention of education and training, and perhaps postpone the weekends doing it in solitude until she’s older for realism's sake.

What does Emily like about sport shooting?

Quote:
 
she lost to a fellow competitor who Emily believes won due to his expensive gear; something the residents of Kingman could never afford.


It’s a fairly invalid generalisation that no-one in Kingman has access to enough cash for expensive gear, especially since you’ve said Audrey herself is on the wealthier side of things. I’d prefer to see the second part of this line removed.

Why is Audrey still so heavy in spite of all the hiking and rock climbing? Surely all that cardio exercise would burn some serious weight?

Quote:
 
Recently Emily has begun sketching her surroundings while on a hike.


How is Emily currently doing in school? What subjects does she like? Dislike? Which subjects is she good at? Why?

Does Emily have any ambitions for after she graduates?


That's it for now, so post here when you've made the edits and I'll give her another look.
V7 Freunde
Hey look I have a relationship thread

V6 Amigos - Spoilers!

Die Slam's Art, Die
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Slam
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Mr. Danya
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler in V7 or in minis upon alterations requested by the staff.
V7 Freunde
Hey look I have a relationship thread

V6 Amigos - Spoilers!

Die Slam's Art, Die
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
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