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Twin Infinitives; Closed
Topic Started: Aug 3 2016, 11:01 PM (481 Views)
Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
The Kingman night was warm and fuzzy and embracing and there were honks here and there and everything was kinda golden, bathed in the streetlights and all, and if Asuka stopped and closed her eyes and listened carefully and held her breath she could maybe barely, just barely, pretend she was in a real city.

Yeah. Big city. Small girl. See where your dreaming gets you when you use the night before your big paper's due to go to a fucking concert and I mean sure you can pull an all-nighter but seriously, Asuka, stop. Stop, turn around, walk home, and rethink your life.

Asuka had spent the past month lying in bed and rethinking her life and it had really been a profoundly dumb idea. If she hadn't been thinking so hard about how important it was for her to finish her project, the damn thing would've been done by now. So Asuka was gonna take a break from all that because ok look if she'd stayed home and tried to work, maybe-- she wasn't sure on this, buy maybe-- she'd actually dig up some willpower, and she'd look at the assignment, actually look at it for once, and then she'd keel over and that'll be that but hey maybe this avant-garde thing would give her the spark for her motivation to dance dance dance back into her life and they'll have a lovely tear-filled reunion party and everything will be all peachy and she'd write the damn paper and it'd be brilliant, it really would.

Yeah, nobody's buying it, but the economy's in the tank and this is the only hope vendor in town, kid.

Asuka opened her eyes.

Heh. Some city.

Trudged her way over to the door, went in, cuz hope's sold out everywhere but here and you gotta, man you gotta hope it's not sold out here too.

Asuka flipped her hood up. It's not like she was noticeable anyways, but it made her feel more comfortable. When you're this pathetic, best no be seen. Yeah, Asuka needs help and all that. She just really doesn't need anyone to tell her.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
There was a girl coming Asuka's way. Fuck. So much for not getting noticed. Asuka wasn't sure if she knew this girl, wasn't even sure if the girl was approaching her or just wandering her way randomly, but no worries. No need to panic. Asuka raised her hands, gave a pathetic excuse of a half-wave, then immediately adjusted her glasses. It'd be nice if the girl didn't notice, didn't interpret anything meaningful from the little twitch her wrist made as it made its way towards her face, but if this girl was dead set on meeting her she might as well say hi and be nice and stuff. She wouldn't be able to brush her off and ignore her all night, not without making the whole affair stressful and tense, and Asuka did. Not. Need. More. Stress. Or. Tension.

The girl stopped a few paces away. Well then.

Asuka took a deep breath, looked at the girl more closely. Bowl cut. Glasses. Asian. Asuka knew all the other Asian kids at Cochise by face, if not by name-- misplaced tribalism, Asuka knew, but she couldn't help it, couldn't stop her eyes roving around for other members of her tribe. Yeah, she's seen this girl. Didn't know much about her, though. Um. Freshman. Band geek. Apparently a pretty big fan of this group, seeing as she had their T-shirt even though they were both literally and symbolically obscure.

Asuka sighed. Ok. Fine. She could talk to this girl. Someone with weird, obscure taste in music couldn't be half bad to talk to, right? Right. Barring the now non-existent possibility of going the night without talking, this was going to be about as good as it gets when it comes to conversation. Someone in the know, and in the know for something that was actually kind of interesting, though if Asuka was being honest with herself, it probably wasn't quite interesting enough to make her actually better at not sucking at everything, at getting out of bed, at actually getting shit done, at actually giving a shit about the things she used to give a shit about.

Don't think about that now, Asuka. You can berate yourself later. For now, it'll just ruin whatever chance this evening has of actually cheering you up.

The girl started talking, all shy and awkward and uncertain. That was good. Asuka didn't like confidence, didn't like people who were so sure and assured about things. Bastards haven't realized that the only thing they know is that they know nothing, and all that.

Asuka shrugged. "Yes to the first, no to the second. Just a little tired. You're from Cochise, right? I think I've seen you around there. You into this stuff?"

She paused.

Yeah. This wasn't so bad. Banal question, followed by banal answer, leading back into banal question. And, with luck, it'll actually go somewhere interesting. Please please please go somewhere interesting. Asuka was dying to find something interesting.

"Not too familiar with them myself, to be honest. Avant-garde music's one of those things that I always wanted to be into, but never actually got around to. I'm just here to check things out, recharge a little. Y'know, get away from life for a little bit."

There. Door's open now.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Now she was talkative. Well. At least Asuka wouldn't have to contribute to the conversation too much. And besides, this was going interesting places, right? She wanted to find out some more, get a little more info than what was online, so she was getting that now. And she'd wanted to talk about personal stuff, vent a little with a stranger, and hey, she hadn't responded, but it's not like Asuka expected better anyways. Strangers don't tell strangers about their feelings. Strangers don't inquire into strangers' feelings, even if Asuka had left the door open on that. But this was okay. This was exciting. There was stuff to get interested in, there was stuff to care about and stuff to do and shit maybe this will make her come alive and get interested in stuff and care about stuff and do stuff and

It was raining outside.

It was raining outside, and around her it was all cheap darkness and mumbling strangers and the droning white noise that permeated through everything and made everything numb.

Oh. So that's how this goes. Big surprise.

Well this sucks. But she nodded her head, shuffled her feet forward, because you don't let strangers know you're not okay. And, like, who knows, maybe something will come in the next couple of minutes to drown out the white noise. She could hope. It was silly, but she believed it. Kinda. Not really.

She believed it enough, apparently.

Asuka really didn't have the energy to wade into the crowd, but she could dig deep. And then she'd dig a little deeper, and a little deeper, and then she'd either give out and sit down or pass out or whatever, or she'd hit a big reserve, and then everything would be just perfect. Asuka was fine either way. Really. Either way it was a way out, and if she had to fucking break down for that to happen, so be it.

The girl was talking some more. It was just a little hard to register what she was saying.

"Name's Asuka, I'm a sophomore."

Um. Fuck. What's she supposed to say next again?

No. No need to say anything. Just sit back and let Lili ramble a little and maybe get a little hyped. Asuka could wait a little before saying the dumb things she kinda wanted to say. She was good at waiting. Used to it. Did it all the time, in fact, to the point that she never stopped waiting. So she was done with waiting. But she could afford to wait a little more.

Come to think of it, she should really talk this shit over with her mom or a counselor or something instead of some kid she vaguely recognized from school. That'd force her to wait just a little more.

Meh.

You're an idiot, Asuka.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
So that's what happens when you get your hopes too far up.

All of a sudden Asuka wanted nothing more than to sit down against the wall, put her head in her lap, and drift off to sleep like that. What a shame, what a fucking shame. The conversation was gonna be interesting and the concert was gonna be inspiring and she was gonna get shit done and then Lili drops one line and poof, oh look, there goes her entire pyramid of hope crumbling down because really you gotta be a dumbass to keep grasping at straws like this. Great job, Lili, great job.

There's a lot to say here, like the fact that categorically dismissing mainstream music made you just as blind as the so-called sheeple, that assuming that everyone was as shallow as they appeared made you the shallow one, that you don't get anywhere by being mean. Yeah, Asuka could feel a whole rant here. Fucking judger. Let people like what they like.

Yeah. Like you're not judging the fuck out of her right now. Of course Asuka never would've made her rant. It would've made her a hypocrite. Yeah. That was why. Sure, she was too shy to rant even if she hadn't caught that, but this, this was definitely the main reason.

Asuka's tongue was totally frozen.

"Um...yes, and no."

Cop-out answer. Bet that makes her think you're plastic. But it wasn't like Asuka could pull a perfectly eloquent response off the top of her head. And it wasn't a cop-out answer after all, because it was true, because everything was shades of grey and if you ever answered in absolutes you were delusional. Hell, Asuka should answer every question with yes and no. That would get her some friends. But she had an answer now, and maybe she hadn't worked out all the wording and all the stuff she wanted to say and even all the ideas that were faintly buzzing around inside her head, but she needed to say it right now, or she never would. The other girl would start talking again and the conversation would move on and the words and ideas would die out and all this would've been wasted.

Asuka chanced a glance at Lili. She was no good at reading faces, that she knew, but if she had to guess, Lili was feeling...hopeful? Yeah, that was it. And truth be told, Asuka wasn't about to rain on her hope parade, exactly. Crushing put-downs just weren't her style. They weren't a style at all, really. All those assholes who kick verbal shit around because they were blunt, they were brutally honest and the fact that they didn't sugar-coat was a sign of respect because it meant they weren't bullshitting you, whatever floated their boat. Fuck those guys. Asuka wasn't gonna join them. Though she had to admit it made for more interesting conversation than what she was doing now.

Okay.

"So. What I mean is that, like, people who seem fake do annoy me? They do, kinda. But it's not really fair for me to be annoyed at them, because I don't see much. Like, everyone seems shallow, but that's because I can only see the surface or something. Like, to me it looks like they automatically dismiss it, instantly dismiss it, whatever. But they actually put some thought into it that I didn't see. And maybe they're not going baring their hearts to me and explaining exactly how they feel and what they think, and I wish they would, but at the same time, they're not exactly being...phony? Plastic? Yeah."

God, that came out terribly. No way was that comprehensible. Please let that not be comprehensible. Please let Asuka rinse her mouth, clear her brain, and make a second non-shitty run at this talking thing.

Still, this was progress, right? She was talking, and maybe she was fucking it up, but she was actually saying things that she wanted to say. That was good. Fucking right it was. Optimism. Silver linings. She was really fucking good at this game.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
We're really talking now.

Asuka pulled her hood down, adjusted her glasses. Palms open. Lean forward, like therapists were supposed to. Cuz that's what this little talk was about, right? It was about being therapists for each other. Hopefully she was doing this right.

So this girl was capable of some self-awareness. Not like Asuka had assumed she wasn't. She wasn't a hypocrite, remember? And yeah, it was hard as hell not to resent people sometimes, hard as hell to remember that they have feelings and they're complex and shit when they don't do anything to let you relate to them.

Yeah. Says the girl who literally never talks or shares secrets or opens up to anyone. And here she was, assuming that no one else ever thought about this shit, assuming that she was so fucking special for thinking that everyone's special. That's the thing, though. It didn't have to be like this if people would talk about the flaws and vulnerabilities and all that shit that made them special. But nobody sees a thing, and nobody sees that anyone else is looking. That's why everything was a fucking tragedy.

So this, well, this was a dream come true. Melodramatic, probably untrue, but she'd take what she could get.

"I feel ya. It's like, what even is the point, you know? No one to talk to, and, like, why the fuck am I studying this hard, you know? When I don't give a shit about money, I mean. Like, learning for learning's sake is cool and all, but other than that I don't want any of the stuff I'm working for. And, like, I care about the people around me on a conceptual basis but I don't care about any of the shit I do with them because we don't do shit worth doing together. So I might as well get away from all that".

Damn, she'd almost forgotten about the concert. She really cared more about talking with this girl, would've skipped the whole thing to talk to her if she could, money be damned. But Lili actually seemed invested in this concert, and they wouldn't get anywhere if she wanted to get back to the concert the whole time. So Asuka shrugged her shoulders when Lili said to move to the front.

"Fine by me."
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Lili got it. She really did. And that was that.

Asuka had often fantasized about having a real conversation with someone. Philosophy, feelings, books, anything but goddamn fucking small talk. Real fucking special snowflake, right? And here she was. She'd fucking did it. She'd found someone who got it, who bought into her bullshit, and when all was said and done she really didn't know what else to say. People should act like the special snowflakes they are. If they don't you dissociate and everything becomes meaningless and you retreat into your head. That was it. Move along. End of fucking story.

And when Asuka had finally found someone to let loose the little rant she'd been bottling up for who-knows-how-long, well, it was supposed to unleash some twilight zone shit, right? But she didn't get that. Because she'd caught a snowflake, but she didn't know anything about it. So change that.

Lili was fangirling over the band. Six Things to a Cycle. So they didn't give a fuck about opinion, huh? True artists and all that. Asuka wanted to talk about something, just shoot the shit over whatever. She wanted to put everything on pause and find a corner and be all like, "What's your life story?" On some unspoken level, right. Asuka was perfectly capable of putting her thoughts and feelings into words. Solidarity was good, though. It showed she was right.

Asuka knew she was right.

Hey. Shoot the shit later. There was an offer on that, wasn't there?

As for the shit she still needed to do for school...well.

She was headed from one fragile hope to the next. She was tip-toeing. No disturbing the balance.


dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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