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Ophelia Mitchell-McKenzie; drop the bass </3
Topic Started: May 18 2016, 05:51 PM (246 Views)
Slam
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Mr. Danya
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Hi, Lore. Ophelia's a good start, but is temporarily DENIED pending some elaboration and revision.

First of all, please make sure the profile follows the correct layout. Specifically, you have an extra line break between your appearance and biography section, and there shouldn't be a line break between the advantages and disadvantages section.

Quote:
 
Name: Ophelia Mitchell-Mackenzie
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Babysitting, makeup, fashion, musical theater (watching), shopping, movies and mathematics

Appearance: Ophelia is Caucasian, she has a natural pale complexion, and she is not tan. Being naturally pale already implies that she’s not tan, so you don’t need to mention both. She has a round face and delicate features, an upturned nose, flecks of freckles on her cheeks, small green eyes, plucked eyebrows and thin pink lips.

She has a straight, almost boyish, body with an apparent lack-of curve. She is 106 pounds and stands at 5’3”. She has naturally red hair, but she bleaches it every month. She wears it in a bob cut, just below her chin. She enjoys putting on makeup and applies some almost every day, wearing black eyeliner and foundation on school days, and for some occasion, lipstick and eye shadow.

Ophelia’s clothing style is varied: it depends on her latest findings in the local thrift shop. However, she mainly wears a tee-shirt and a pair of jean for a safe choice. She carries a flannel coat when she decides to go against the ‘dress code[/color]. On the day of the abduction, she was wearing a light blue summer dress that goes to her mid-thigh Cochise has a dress code that requires clothes not go six inches above the knee, and mid-thigh gives me the impression that that is what’s happening, so I need her to wear something more in line with what’s allowed. with a pair of flat black shoes.


Biography: Melissa McKenzie, 22, and Adam Mitchell, 26, first met in a restaurant in Ohio, Cincinnati. The former was working as a waitress and the latter was studying to become a lawyer. They married after three years of relationship and conceived their first son, Daniel, and a year after, a second son named William.

After William’s birth, Adam graduated from his university, but was unable to find any jobs during the economic recession. The young family, struggling to stay afloat, went and lived at Melissa’s parents in Kingston, Arizona. She was able to find a job as a retail worker and Adam stayed on unemployment for a month before starting an internship at a local lawyer’s cabinet.

It was six years after their arrival and moving out of Melissa’s parent’s house, the phrasing of this sentence makes it sound like they arrived and moved out of Melissa’s parents’ house in the same instance, which I don’t think is what you’re implying, so I’d recommend rewording it. in 1997, that Melissa gave birth to their youngest child, Ophelia. She was born on May 23 1997, and she was premature by one month. Due to her early health problems, the family was once again financially struggling, but they were able to stay in their apartment due to Adam receiving a promotion in the cabinet. Melissa, however, was terminated from her job due to the pregnancy and became a full time housewife. Being discriminated at work for her pregnancy by being fired is a very lawsuit friendly offence, and Melissa’s husband is a lawyer. Something should really happen as a result of this; otherwise you might just want to have Melissa leave her job for another reason.

Ophelia’s childhood was uneventful for the most part, mainly marked by the lack-of discipline from her mother Why? and the long hours of work from her father. She spent most of her time at home, watching television or playing video games with her brothers. The bond between them stayed strong when she started kindergarten since they were babysitting her after school due to their mother’s new work as a waitress.

Ophelia’s strong mind and resourcefulness started to appear during elementary school. She was excelling in most of her classes and she was able to keep a high average throughout her years as a student. Her success was partly due to Adam’s pressure for his daughter to have good grades Why? and Melissa’s support when Ophelia needed help with her homework. Was Adam supporting too?

Socially awkward How? but caring, Ophelia made a best friend during kindergarten. They had sleepovers, went to each other houses and watch television together. It wouldn’t hurt to give this best friend a name. Ophelia and her friend would sometimes tease other students. They stayed friends together until the very end of elementary school when she was scolded by Adam after he was notified by the school for Ophelia’s behaviours. Why did they wait until the end of elementary school to bring this behaviour to her parents’ attention, instead of alerting the parents when it became apparent it was a repeating problem? Ophelia cut off her friend when she left her school. Why? Did Adam’s scoldings scare Ophelia into ending the friendship? How did Ophelia actually feel about this?

Middle school was simple for Ophelia, academically speaking. Her favorite class was mathematics, which she particularly enjoyed because of the logic behind it and her second preferred class was social science due to her viewing it as easy grade. Did she not enjoy any other subjects for things that she found interesting, instead of just being easy? She didn’t struggle in any school subjects: she was an honor student and kept being the head of the class for a long time.

The situation between the three siblings was tense due to the age difference. The two eldest sibling, Daniel and William, had a year difference while the youngest, Ophelia, a six years difference. The 'years difference’ phrasing isn’t very grammatically clear. I’d recommend: “had a year difference between them whilst the youngest, Ophelia, was six years apart from them.” She often witnessed physical fights between William and Daniel Why were they fighting? and she had learned to stay quiet to avoid bringing attention on herself to avoid being picked on. Why are her brothers picking on her? I thought they were good buddies back when she was younger. When she was able to, she retreated to her parents’ room and spent her time watching their DVDs collection. It was there she started watching movies and theater plays to pass time. Her favorite genre was musical theater. She spent hours watching Disney movies and watching musicals like Cats during the weekends where fights were prolific. This is the only reference to her interest in movies or musical theatre in her profile, so I need more elaboration on what she actually likes about these things.

The thirteen year old Ophelia caught her brother William watching clips of V4, principally centered on the winner of the edition, Kimberly Nguyen. She searched about her and stumbled on a website dedicated of the gore clips recorded during the edition. Due to that incident, she was exposed to SOTF’s content but remained relatively oblivious of the terrorist organization. She quickly forgot about the gore website after William’s interest of SOTF came to a stop when Melissa found out. She promptly removed the Internet access, blocked certain websites, and she let her kids use the internet freely, with the blocked website, after two months.
SOTF footage is about high school students being murdered; I’m raising some eyebrows that a thirteen year old girl can quickly forget watching that sort of thing. This section doesn’t really seem to contribute anything to Ophelia’s personality or mannerisms, so I need there either to be some reason that she’s not phased at all by this sort of footage, some actual response to it, or just remove it all together.

Ophelia used the internet to discover things about cosmetology and fashion. It was how, when she was 14, she discovered how to apply makeup and discovered an interest in fashion. Why was she interested? Melissa was happy to buy her daughter supplies of makeup, but her father disliked the idea of buying due to their past financial struggles. She then started babysitting children in her neighborhood to pay for her makeup.

Her relationships started to degrade with her eldest brother, Daniel, due to him leaving the home to go major in biology to follow a premedical program in university. Daniel rarely came back to visit his family but to receive financial support when his job as a tutor fell flat. Daniel principally used their parents’ money to buy video games which enraged Ophelia, leading to her stopping having Skype conversations with him and giving him the silent treatment. Why such a strong reaction?

Ophelia had to stop babysitting kids around the town when high school began due to the heavy charge of school work. She particularly disliked that she wasn’t able to make any source of income to support her interests in fashion and makeup. She started going to second-handed stores and buying her outfits from there with money from Christmas, and saved up money she earned by doing her housework for makeup. She was able to babysit for certain occasion, but she wasn’t able to do it like she used to.

During her last year at Cochise, Ophelia started considering a job in the field of mathematics as a statistician after a meeting with a guidance counsellor Why?. She was interested by the job but she also wanted to become independent quicker. She did job hunting to find a part-time job in retail, made a résumé, and went to a few stores, but no one called her back.

Ophelia isn’t active in the school’s clubs and activities due her busy schedule centered on her homework and babysitting. I thought she was too busy with schoolwork to continue babysitting? I’m not sure she can be too busy for school because she’s too busy with something that she’s too busy to do. Even in her free time, she dislikes going out to go to her peers’ party, Why? preferring watching movies or studying. She rarely interacts with her friendly acquaintances outside of school. She can be considered cold to people, but never means harm to others. She easily adapts to new social situation like group project, but she struggles to make long term friendships with her partners. Would like a better elaboration on her reserved nature.

Her frigid personality disappears when she comes in contact with children. She is friendly but strict, helping kids with their homework while expecting an acceptable load of respect. She learned how to cook meals, how to take care of a young child and how to do housework.

William still lives in the family house. He is in his last year of college to get his degree in literature. Adam works for the same lawyer cabinet, but he climbed in rank and he is currently earning more than enough to support the family. Melissa went back to work when Ophelia started high school, she is currently working as a waitress. I thought she went into waitressing when Ophelia went into kindergarten? Despite her husband’s earnings, she prefers to work because she got bored with housework, leaving it to her daughter and paying her to do it. The situation at the house is calm and rarely has any change to it.

Advantages: She able to stay cool and logical under pressure, proven by her high marks throughout high school despite juggling between her hobbies and babysitting. This doesn’t really strike me as an ability to keep calm under pressure, just that she’s organised. Having a lot of homework to do is miles apart from a situation like SOTF, after all. She always kept a low profile during her high school years, never gossiping about someone or making enemies.

Disadvantages: Ophelia has a frail and weak body, No mention of this in her profile. she is smaller and lighter than most of her fellow students. Her grades in physical education are high only because of her participation: she has no endurance whatsoever I’m sceptical that participation alone can earn her high grades in PE.. Her lack of friends and poor social skills is going to hinder her odds of making allies.


I'm not very clear on how much babysitting Ophelia's doing in this day and age. You say that she basically dropped most of it after she started high school, but you also say that she's pretty busy between schoolwork and babysitting. Even advanced students don't tend to have that much schoolwork eating up their spare time, so I have to assume that the babysitting is crowding a lot of it, which to me sounds like she's still doing a lot of it. I need you to be a bit more explicit in exactly how much she's doing of either and adjust her profile accordingly.

In addition, it would be great if we could get more of Ophelia's personality in the profile. At the moment we've got a lot of events that go on in her life, but not a huge amount of her actual mindset being elaborated on. Hopefully my prompts in the profile will give you some ideas of where you can go further into her mindset, and anything else you can fit in will be very helpful.

Also, her advantages and disadvantages are a bit weak at the moment, and not especially justified in the profile. Please have a rethink of them, remembering that this section should not introduce new information, and take another whack at it.


Let me know when you've made these changes by posting in here, and I'll give Ophelia another look. Thanks!
V7 Freunde
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Mr. Danya
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This character has been abandoned at the handler's request. She is eligible for resubmission at any time.
V7 Freunde
Hey look I have a relationship thread

V6 Amigos - Spoilers!

Die Slam's Art, Die
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
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