Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Dimani Carter; I am old. go easy.
Topic Started: Mar 23 2016, 12:08 PM (473 Views)
Deamon
Member Avatar
Humans...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey OnceForgotten! I'm Deamon and I'll be critiquing Dimani for you today! Dimani is Denied pending some fairly major adjustments to keep him in line with the correct tone of profile and the acceptable levels of realism we like to maintain. I'll explain more over the course of the critique.

First up in regards to the tone we like to keep in profiles, while they all should be written as if some lowly terrorist grunt is doing it we prefer to not go overly formal with it, specifically with regards to calling the charater subject and this part: 'The following paragraphs were obtained and abbreviated from counselor’s notes taken during face to face meetings with the subject at Cochise High School and Kingman:'. Ideally we want a profile to be an explanation of the students life with a focus on key events, their hobbies and interests and school.

Something like these profiles:
Example 1
Example 2

These both do a good job showing the style and tone we want from profiles, so if you rewrite Dimani's to be similar to these it will be a big step in the right direction.


Now for the second major issue which is the realism of the profile in regards to Dimani's very dramatic personal life.

There are a few issues here that we'll go over one at a time.

You state in the profile that Dimani didn't get removed from his ridiculously neglectful home because there was no signs of abuse. This wouldn't be a relevant issue in Arizona as child protection services are able to remove a child from a household that is deemed to be neglectful in a harmful way to the child's well-being. So that's one flaw with it right there, Dimani would have been removed from the house before anything else even had a chance to happen.

The level of neglect seems fairly ridiculous as well considering child protection services would probably be monitoring the situation or if they aren't the school would probably report it again if it continues. On the whole I'd like this entire scenario toned down and made much more realistic.

Now onto the Anthony/Mother drama, this is where the profile really becomes problematic.

Dimani discovers the dead body of his mothers boyfriend who his brother shot in the head and then his brother explains he did it because the guy had been buying drugs off him and was sleeping with their mother and then their mother returns and his brother and mother proceed to have a fight which while in the process of trying to break the fight up Dimani breaks his arm. Oh and this was after his brother came back from prison where he had managed to obtain an addiction to crack cocaine.

Do you see how crazy that all is written out like that? It's also one of the biggest parts of the entire profile. We spend so much time on this incident and how neglected Dimani was a child that we don't find out anything about him personally until the last paragraph of his own profile!

Basically this whole thing is going to need to be majorly rewritten as right now it's just too much of everything. I'd like you to tone down the level of everything, it's perfectly acceptable for Anthony to disapprove of Lucille dating again and getting into a physical altercation with her boyfriend and that leads to them moving away from him. But him becoming a drug dealer, going to prison and then coming back to kill people is kinda crazy.

I'd also like much more focus on Dimani's life, since it's his profile after all.

Now some general questions regarding parts of the final paragraph.

Quote:
 
He is generally mistrusting of other individuals, as it has been his experience that people will attempt to take advantage of him.
When has this happened?

Quote:
 
People that befriend Dimani find a kind-hearted and quietly intelligent young man who has a strict home-grown moral code ripped from the ‘game’ that he knew growing up, as well as an unalterable sense of right and wrong.
This seems like a confusing thing to base your life off, especially when your crack addict brother shots a man because of it.

Why does he want to be a rapper and what does he enjoy about rap?

I'd like more detail on his weight-lifting and boxing hobbies as right now they come across as an afterthought and only seem to be in the profile to justify using them for his advantages. We like to see around a paragraph per hobby as general rule, give or take based on how important it is to them.

Right that should be it for this round, don't be afraid to PM me if you need any help, since let's be real its a lot of changes but I'm sure you'll be able to do it. Post back here when you've made the edits and I'll give Dimani another look!
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
V6
V5
Online Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
« Previous Topic · Forfeited and Abandoned Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic