Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Add Reply
Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Topic Started: Feb 22 2016, 05:00 PM (950 Views)
Primrosette
Contender
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Why isn't there a nitpicky section? I'm just curious to know.
Their Time Is gone
 

Spoiler: click to toggle


V7


In The Future
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Whoops, missed that queue closed post. Damn my selective illiteracy!
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Emprexx Plush
Member Avatar
Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Primrosette
Feb 23 2016, 01:34 PM
Why isn't there a nitpicky section? I'm just curious to know.
Good question! I have sort of a love-hate relationship with the nitpicky section. In a lot of critiques you'll see I leave it blank, chuck in a joke or throw-away comment, that kind of thing, because it's overall the least useful and relevant section of the critique. However, sometimes it allows me to talk about something that doesn't really fit in either section but feels important to discussing the character at large, so I don't want to just chuck it from my big critiques.

With this kind of format, though, I personally don't feel like it fits well with the purpose and anything worth mentioning in nitpicky can probably be folded into one of the other two sections with caveats? Since this is a more broad and process sort of critique, it just doesn't feel necessary or appropriate for me to include it. If people are like, super-into the nitpicky section as feedback for whatever reason and what it included, though, I'm open to it, I just didn't see the point on my end XD
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Emprexx Plush
Member Avatar
Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Boop boop it's a Raina Rose Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

There is a sort of light, breathy quality to the way Raina's narrative describes things that I think suits her overall character. A nice combination of the abstract and concrete that almost borders on cliche at times but never quite crosses that line for me. She has a sort of broad spectrum focus of perspective that suits her interest, like the way her introductory post spiders from absentee parents to childhood memories to her diet to the other diners around her, all while being chockful of little details that slip their way into her thought process. This also lends well into the way she conceives her actions and the way people react to her: Raina has the double-edged sword of being someone who sees a lot, and thus understands a lot, and falls into the fallacy of believing that means she understands everything. I like that you aren't going over the top with this and making her an outright snarky, pompous little shit to everyone, because it makes her more of a human being and shifts how I, as a reader, am understanding her complex. From the way you've set it up, Raina doesn't think she needs to be better than anyone else. She just flat out is, and that's a fact so basic that she doesn't have to call attention to it. I like that as a trait and I'm interested in seeing what you do with it.

THE DRAGGING

Raina's dialogue is pretty flat right now. She doesn't speak the way she thinks at all, to me, it tends to be pretty straight and to the point, clear and concise. Sometimes she bounces around topic wise, but I'm not seeing that spider-web process that defines her worldview. When she switches to dialogue, a lot of her personality squeezes off somewhere into the ether.

That's problematic because there's a lot of great Raina stuff for people to interact with, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with communicating her thoughts as an idea, but so much of what is there never makes it to the surface. What does feels diluted. Going forward, I would really focus on her conscious speech and punch it up to be on a similar level as her narrative.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Emprexx Plush
Member Avatar
Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Boop boop it's a Conrad Harrod Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Conrad is so oblivious to everything that goes on in the world and I kind of love it. He's not necessarily innocent either, he seems to just genuinely not care for anything that is not directly his problem, and shift the blame for stuff that is onto other people. You characterize this really well from the beginning with his commentary on the alarm clock, and it carries through into moments like his encounter with Taranis at the school. You have made a character that is genuinely self-centered and self-absorbed without making him a jerk or an outright villain we're supposed to hate. When Taranis calls him an asshole, yeah, it's kind of true, but it twinges something in me and I feel bad for the poor baby. I like the dynamic you have at play here and I think it's something really interesting and unique that you should explore further.

THE DRAGGING

Conrad's posts tend to be real thin. Almost no physical descriptions, no thoughts, and short, clipped dialogue. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me because he's supposed to be really smart and hyper-talkative to the point of being annoying, and I know you don't write like this usually. Right now, instead of being sociable and mile a minute, Conrad comes off as awkward and shy and like he doesn't pick up anything, period. That doesn't jive with his profile and the archetype you've set up, to me. Revisiting his sense of social openness and getting him chattering away to bring out that annoying quality would do a lot for him.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Emprexx Plush
Member Avatar
Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Boop boop it's a Alice Baker Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Alice is tired of this shit. Somehow she manages to attract all the dickish and unintentionally dickish people in the school to flock around her, and she cannot deal with it. I like the cumulative weight you have getting put upon Alice, in a way that clearly shows her waxing patience due to having to put up with people. She has a great sense of continuity because of that, and you're tying her story together quite well overall, especially because she gets some chunks of breaks between certain encounters. This may not seem like a big deal, but because pre-game is a little looser and more experimental than the main game it's easy to not build good continuity habits and I think you're laying a clear base with Alice that you'll be able to scaffold naturally into her main game.

THE DRAGGING

My main issue with Alice so far is that I feel like her interests are relatively untouched. You've been putting her into a lot of social threads with strangers, and I appreciate that from a character stretching stand point, but you've also mentioned that she's a quiet introvert with a lot of hobbies she prefers to pursue on her own. Some explanatory one-shots or meet-ups with close friends wouldn't be out of place(and yes I realize you were building towards that recently before some bitch who will remain unnamed but rhymes with Tempress Blush came along and fucked it up >.>), as well as at least thinking more about her interests in relevant places. For instance, her violin and songwriting interests don't come up once, even in her head, when she's discussing music, music performance, and writing music with Cameron. That would have been a great opportunity to expand there, and you should be on the look out for more like it.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Emprexx Plush
Member Avatar
Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Boop boop it's a Cass Prince Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Cass is gorgeously vibrant and alive character wise when they're on their own. Their pre-game starting one-shot shows a lot of depth and nuance both about their personality and how it interacts with others. It all flows together pretty naturally, in my opinion, and I think the descriptions and idioms thrown around add personal flavor as well as pulling us into the scene deeper. This sort of character continues on through their internal narrative in the following threads, giving a good sense that Cass has a fairly good grasp on their sense of self. On a smaller note, I kind of like the shorter more flavorful exit and entrance tags Cass is throwing around, most of the time I don't care one way or the other but for some reason these are really working for me.

THE DRAGGING

So, there's a challenge when writing socially distant/awkward characters like Cass is coming off right now, and that is that all of that marvelous characterization mostly stays in a space where other people can't interact with it. I understand that Cass is more withdrawn around people they don't know well, but at times I want a little more from them. Their current thread is a great example: I want to see more than "thanks" from Cass because of all that's boiling behind their eyeballs. It doesn't have to be a fight or a dissertation on the concept of art right off the bat, but something like a dismissive "oh, it's nothing really" throws out more hooks and allows more skews of interaction than "thanks" without compromising that awkwardness they're projecting, and there are a lot of places where that kind of alteration could be made to both get more of Cass's internal narrative externalized and give those that are interacting with her more hooks to work off of for their own posts.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create a free forum in seconds.
Learn More · Register for Free
« Previous Topic · Critiques · Next Topic »
Add Reply