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Gary Kwan; Tear me apart.
Topic Started: Feb 2 2016, 04:47 PM (221 Views)
Deamon
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Hey Pancapples, Gary is a good start but is Denied pending some changes.

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Gary was never as social as the other children at his school, likely a result of his parents never taking him anywhere, preferring to leave him with Cecilia while they worked.
I find it's unlikely to assume that Cecilia would never take Gary out of the house to go to a playground or to a park etc. She's a nanny, so she will have had training in child development and will know that he needs to go out a socialise while growing up.

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After the girl's sixth birthday, Gary began to feel that he and his sister were somewhat neglected by their parents. He noticed that he hardly saw them, and they very rarely tried to have a role in his life.
I'm going to need a bit more than this I'm afraid, it's not like they wouldn't be coming home at night to sleep and if Lily was working at a restaurant she wouldn't be needed to be in work all the time. They tend to have a rota system so she would be able to be around in the mornings on some days or at home during the week. I'd like some expansion on this please cause right now it just seems like they're at their jobs.

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His lack of friends was a combination of not trying, as well as being a bit hostile toward anyone he seemed to disapprove of.
How did he develop this behaviour and has it ever caused issues at school before? I ask because this is the first time its brought up. He's gone from quiet to hostile to people he doesn't like.

What does Gary enjoy about hiking?

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the upside is that he would tend to form close bonds with any existing friends of his.
How does he form close bonds with his friends? His only personality traits currently are that he's reserved and can be hostile towards people for reasons.

What does Gary enjoy about running? What is his preferred event? I want more detail here as him being an endurance runner is the basis for one of his advantages and right now we really don't know much about his passion for running.

What classes at school does Gary like or dislike? Details like this help us connect with him and allow us to get a better idea of his personality.

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He normally prefers older horror and science fiction stories, as he is often able to identify with the themes of isolation and loneliness.
This should be with the rest of the paragraph about his reading.

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Gary is known to be a bit cold towards his fellow classmates, and this could be a way for other students to justify his murder.
Being anti-social is not a reason to kill someone. This disadvantage is really weak and I'd prefer to see it removed and replaced with something else. You could just as easily have his anti-social behaviour be a disadvantage in regards to gaining allies or something similar.

Right so those are the edits needed, post here once you've got them done and I'll look over Gary again for you!
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
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Deamon
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
V6
V5
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
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