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Kealani “Lani” Salder [APPROVED]; I’m just like everyone else
Topic Started: Feb 1 2016, 07:15 PM (266 Views)
Deamon
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Hey CoreyImperia! I'm Deamon and I'll be critiquing Kealani for you. First off Kealani is Denied pending some changes but don't worry, they're mostly grammar based.

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She is stocky, having muscle mostly centralised within her arms and legs, while a thin layer of fat enwraps her abdomen.
This sentence doesn't read very well and I'm not sure centralised is the word you're looking for here.

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Her skin is generally clear, though there is a large crescent-shaped birthmark on her right shoulder. She has an oval-shaped face creating prominent cheekbones and a larger forehead, a feature she abhors to have.

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Her nose is of an average-sized nose

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It is not obtrusive and its tip is comparatively flat.

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A simple black eyeliner is her staple, though she sometimes employs the brown.

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The pair also continued to go each year, with her younger sisters joining in the advent when they also turned four.
Advent is not the word you want to be using here.

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leaving Aisi and Maipe to cater look after their tourism business until the family could afford to bring them over.

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Her first few weeks upon the family’s arrival to Kingman were spent sightseeing

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Kealani tried to get used to her new home.

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Her enthusiasm for schooling dilapidated quickly however
Did you mean evaporated?

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The most part being that no one could pronounce her name, not even her teachers, no matter how much Kealani persisted. In the following year, she decided that she would go by her nickname “Lani” from now.
Sorry, but Kealani isn't that hard a name to pronounce, I'm doubtful that everyone she ever meets at school would be unable to pronounce her name. People would also remember how to pronounce her name after being told so please edit this.

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being a validated member of her social sphere just like everyone else is exactly her endgame.

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with Flannery seated beside her, her mother’s face, a mixture of disappointment, worry, and sympathy.


So yeah, just make those changes, post here and I'll give Kealani another look!
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
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Deamon
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Alright Lani's profile is looking a lot better. Just a few minor things.

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Lani’s lips are a slight pink

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A simple black eyeliner is her staple, though she sometimes employs the brown.


And that's it. Just those two changes that you need to make!
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
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Deamon
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No worries!

APPROVED
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
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