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Everything You've Always Wanted To Know; Mild content warning; Health class, 9th/10th grade. Open (really)
Topic Started: Jan 23 2016, 01:16 AM (1,529 Views)
Yugikun
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Jeremy Frasier had entered the classroom long before anyone else had. He’d been sitting there silent for a while now, but that didn’t really bother him. It was like this every week. The bell would ring and Jeremy would immediately start walking as hard and as fast as he could to his next class. Maybe if he was talking to someone he’d end the conversation, but other than that, he didn’t waste any time. Today was no different, he had been the first in the classroom, and so he unpacked. Book and pen. While he waited, he had gotten the book he was going to read out. The Andalite Chronicles. He found it at a book fair the other weekend, and he hadn’t hesitated to pay out a dollar and add it to his Animorphs collection. Hadn’t gotten the chance to read it until now though.

More people soon came in, though, and he put the book back into his bag, lest people see him reading them and thinking he was a nerd, or something. Well, no, he was pretty sure that everyone knew that he was a massive nerd at this point, but he wanted to show that there were other things to him than that. He hadn’t really gotten far, anyway. He flipped through the pages in order to see the page flippy thing and it was one of the super annoying ones where the page flippy thing was all along the bottom page rather than in the bottom right corner. How could you flip pages so that you could actually see the page flippy thing? Jeremy didn’t know, but he figured that he got the main gist of the page flippy things story. There was a spaceship chasing a UFO and then the spaceship goes around the solar system and then it's blank for a little bit until the spaceship goes through a wormhole. Riveting stuff. Well, that wasn’t really fair. Maybe he’d understand it once he actually got a chance to read the book.

But anyway, back to the story. Jeremy put his book back in his bag as Emma Aguilar Luz showed up and sat on his table. He said hi, she said hi back, all was good in the world. That was most of their relationship with each other. Sometimes he’d say funny things and it’d make her laugh, sometimes he’d say funny things and she’d get slightly annoyed at him. Probably depended on the day, really. Didn’t she have sleeping issues? Maybe, he forgot. That was probably why she was able to have that smoothie. Why couldn’t he have a smoothie? He’d love to have a smoothie in class if it weren’t for the fact that smoothies weren’t something he drank. He was a milkshake kid, and he didn’t understand why everybody else wasn’t.

After a bit, there were enough people in the class for Mrs Banks to start it; and yep, they were putting condoms on people. That was probably why there were bananas and packets all over the classroom. It wasn’t really an activity he was really interested in; sex in general wasn’t really something he really wanted to do, but hey, if he did this he was at least not going to get an F for Health. Not like he was going to get an F for health but hey, better safe than sorry. They were supposed to get into groups to do this for… some reason. Did it take multiple people to put on a condom? If the answer to that was yes then that was a pretty major design flaw. Well, you probably needed multiple people for sex so eh, at least the design flaw was compensated somewhere. He saw Emma get up next to him. He supposed that he had to work with her because they were on the same table and such, but he wasn’t going to be the person to voice that out. He decided that being the person who said “Hey, do you wanna help me put on a condom?” probably wasn’t something he wanted to be known for.

So he waited a bit, not standing up. It’d look kinda awkward if he stood up and stretched a bit right after someone on the same table did.
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Yugikun
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Jeremy looked around a bit after a couple of seconds. He should probably get into a group with someone. He didn’t really know who though, or how to approach someone with the topic. There was just something about approaching someone with the aim for them to help him put on a condom which kinda just made people turn off the idea of interacting with him. Luckily for him, Danny Brooks came over to his table, and asked if he could join their “group”. Knowing the situation, group wouldn’t have been the words that Jeremy would have used but hey, whatever, he was in a group now. He didn’t really know much about Danny other than that he was a little bit of a flirt, but Jeremy was feeling a little chipper today, he could feel like making a new friend.

Emma allowed Danny to group up with her and asked Jeremy if he wanted to join along. “Yeah, sure.” Sweet, he dodged a bullet. Now he didn’t have to ask someone to join their group.

...Although now he had to place a condom on a banana, so he wasn’t totally out of the water just yet. Thinking forward, though, it seemed to be more of a two step trial, with the first already done. Nothing worth making a list for, and once he was done he could maybe mess with the others a bit.

Another person came to their table. Haley Luz. She- wait, no; they were in the year below him, and was apparently genderless. He wasn’t quite sure how that worked, but he wasn’t really into barging into someone else’s super private thoughts. She was related to Emma, so she probably wasn’t too bad, though. Now they had four, which Jeremy supposed was a pretty good number for a group.

“So now that we have four, do we start? I doubt that it takes more than that to put on a condom.”
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Yugikun
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“That’s what she said,” Jeremy replied to Danny in a sing-song kind of tone. Hey, someone had to say it. They were in the sex-ed class that at this point was probably going to be from hell, so twelvie jokes were the least he could do to make the situation better. Well, better for him, anyway; maybe Haley too, she seemed to be having a bit of fun with the situation. Looking at Danny and Emma he doubted that they were going to enjoy this. Danny was already stumbling through his sentences and Emma’s tone of voice became more and more awkward the longer they were here. For Jeremy, though? He was fueled by the suffering of others. The longer he was here, the more chipper he became.

Someone suggested that they start a competition to see who could put a condom on the fastest, and everyone sat around the table. “A foursome it is then.” Jeremy said, under his breath. He was kind of ashamed of that remark, but hey, it was sex ed. He needed to say as much sexual innuendo as possible while he had the chance, and even though nothing had happened that he could play off of so far, the tone of the class so far meant that it wasn’t really out of place.

Emma held the banana up, and- wait was that actually a banana? This didn’t really look like a real one. This was smaller, the yellow seemed more forced. He could see an outline near the bottom of it. It could be possible that the school happened to grow bananas that looked like plastic, but even then it was still worth checking out. “Wait, hold up.”

He pointed at the banana, which Emma was almost going to give to Haley. Whatever the banana actually was, he wanted Emma to be the first one to see it. “I don’t think we’re supposed to put the condom on the top of the banana. Look at the circle outline thing on the bottom. The banana skin is a cap.” He looked over at Haley, sh-

Wait, no. They. Uuuuuuugh. The whole “having no gender” thing was going to be super annoying, he could tell already. He wondered how many times he was going to call them a she before the lesson was done? Oh well, if he only called her a they out loud she wasn’t going to get pissed.

“I mean, I know that your cousin’s aching to just do it right now, but we gotta make sure that they do it right, y’know?”

Oh hey, accidental innuendo. Neat. This class was going to be fun already.
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Yugikun
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There were some things in this world that were just too beautiful to describe. Too amazing to put into words. Someone would just look at them and they wouldn’t be able to find any abjectives that would be actually be able to capture the essence of the thing.

Like, think Niagara falls. You could pretty easily say that it was beautiful, but did that really capture the essence of the place? It was like how Jeremy normally said “good” to every meal he had. Sure, that was something that you could call it, but most of the meals he had were so much better than that that just saying it was good was an injustice. It was basically an adjective Jeremy used because he couldn’t think of a proper way to describe it. It was like the word “beautiful,” in a way. The word had been used so many times that it had just become a generic way to say that something looked good; a generic abjective to replace what couldn’t be described.

And when the dick was pulled out of the banana, that was it. There was no way to describe it. No words in the english language could describe how beautiful the banana dick was.

So Jeremy just started laughing. Not a quiet laugh, mind you. A loud, high pitched cackle that the people sitting on the tables around him could probably hear. It was just so ridiculous, there was no way to describe it. Haley had just pulled off the top of a banana and then there it was, a model penis. He couldn’t stop. The laughter kept coming out and he couldn’t stop himself. He wasn't even sure how everybody else reacted, all he could think of was the creamy penis kept under the yellow exterior.
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Yugikun
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And meanwhile while everyone else was probably horrified Jeremy was still laughing his ass off because seriously. It was a dildo. For whatever reason Mrs Ramsey decided to give her class a hands on lesson on how to put on a condom and decided that hey, using these bananas that actually have dicks inside them was a good tool to help them learn. Why did they need to learn how to put on a condom now, anyway? Nobody here was even remotely near the age of consent (and he highly doubted that anyone on the table was going to get laid anytime soon), why couldn’t this get delayed for a bit? It was kinda pointless where it was now and pushing it back a couple of years might make Health actually important. It’d be better than learning about sporting habits or whatever his sister said they did at that point.

But anyway, Jeremy kept laughing until Danny started hit him on the back. Sure, it was still funny; he doubted that he was going to be able to think about it when looking back without giggling for a bit, but the initial surprise had worn off, and Jeremy could actually focus on what was happening now. Haley apparently couldn’t put a condom on. Emma had already explained that she was holding it the wrong way, but Jeremy decided to add a quick quip in there as well, just for good measure.

“Maybe you just can’t do it. Maybe you’re not the chosen one. Maybe the… pfft.” He breathed out a little, chuckling. It was still funny. “...Banana dildo doesn’t deem you worthy of using it.”
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“Nah, the common dildos’ll accept anybody if it means that they get some play. The special dildos are a lot more picky about who’s ass they get jammed up in.” Okay, so Haley was willing to play ball with him. That was cool. Even after the initial surprise of the dildo had worn off he still had something to entertain him. Sure, there was the activity right in front of him, but it wasn’t like that was going to keep his attention for the whole lesson. It wasn’t even relevant to him, and it wasn’t like he needed to know how to put on a condom right now. Wouldn’t they have instructions on the back of the package anyway? Why did they have to have a class on this in that case? What was the actual point of this?

But anyway, Haley heeded to Emma’s advice and turned the condom around, managing to stretch it out over the dildo. She then proceeded to bounce Jeremy’s joke back. Jeremy smirked, slightly. Two could play at that game.

“Oh my god, you really are the chosen one!” He covered his mouth in fake shock. “Please forgive me for my sins, my liege!” He said, as he started grovelling onto the table. Not like a big, grand grovel, mind you. He had already probably attracted the attention of the class by laughing too hard, he wasn’t going to look any more weirder.

Emma then asked the table if she could go next. She seemed to consider herself just as worthy, but Jeremy highly doubted that she was. He raised his nose, snorted, slightly. It was kinda weird doing that to Emma, considering that she was part of Student Council and especially considering that she was probably going to end up being more successful than the three other people on this table combined. Still, he could see her smiling, so it was clear that she wouldn’t mind this.

“Well, I highly doubt that anyone else could be chosen to wield the banana dildo, unless it’s like something where only people of a specific clan can hold them, or something.”
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Danny voiced out an idea in that only the strongest could wield the almighty banana dildo and oh my god are they actually going to create lore based off of the thing okay it was official this was the best health class ever. He wasn’t as fond as Danny’s idea as he was his own; the banana dildo was a sign of royalty, it wasn’t like the Elder Wand where any mudblood could hold it so long as they took out the previous owner. No, the Banana dildo could only be wielded by those of the Luz clan, which included Emma, Haley, and their million cousins. Wait, how many Luz’s did he actually know? There was Emma, Haley… that baseball dude who literally every girl ogled? He didn’t know. Maybe worth asking Emma later. He needed to know who was worthy of this great pleasure and who wasn’t.

Well, actually, anyone could now wield the banana so long as they were knighted and… oh my god Haley became more and more amazing every time she opened her mouth. This was it. He had to be knighted. This was what his life had led up to. He leaned forward, onto the desk, allowing Haley to place the banana on his shoulder if she wanted to. Emma spoke, saying that she needed to be tested for worthiness first, but Jeremy couldn’t have that, so he decided to voice out his own opinion.

“Emma, no! This is important! I need to be knighted right now as validation of my poor, lonely life.”

And then Jeremy just got an idea for another joke and okay, he needed to voice it out now before anyone else got the idea.

“Just one thing though, if I get knighted, do I get it on the shoulder or up the butt?”
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“Oh. Okay then. I was hoping that I’d finally be able to get some play, but I’m okay with getting like, a shoulderjob or something?”

That was directed to everyone who objected to him getting knighted up the butt. Jerks. He would have used his go-to insult word on them but considering what it was he doubted that they’d appreciate it that much. He was also questioning his own use of the word “shoulderjob;” considering that he knew that adding “job” to the end of a word normally meant to have the word interact with a penis. So if a dildo got put on his shoulder would that mean that he was interacting with the penis that the penis was interacting with him? He didn’t know. Didn’t really want to know either. This whole thing in his head was just launching itself towards weird territory and while he was okay about talking weird to people this wasn’t really something he’d say out loud. Better to just pay attention to what was going on around him and forget what he just thought. Good plan? Good plan.

Probably not the best plan though, considering that the sex ed class was still going on. He got Haley to chuckle a bit, which was nice. That ice queen demeanor of hers was starting to melt, just a little bit, and Jeremy started to smile slightly. Now the game truly begun, or something. He bowed his head as he allowed the banana dildo to caress his shoulder, it's touch willing him to start grovelling onto the table again.

“Thank you, my leige! I now feel a sense of completeness in my soul that only comes from getting knighted with a dildo! I will forever be indebted to you for this!”

Okay, that was enough. It was probably funny enough as it is, no real need to drag it out. Instead, he chose to relax himself back in his chair, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike.

A couple moments later, the opportunity came. Haley threw the dildo and it fell straight into Emma’s lap. He could make something out of that. It was probably going to be off-colour and exactly the type of joke Emma would hate, but hey, the opportunity was striking, and maybe it’d make Haley laugh.

“Wow, Emma, I know you wanted that dildo but you really don’t have to put it down there right now! Wait until nobody else is around, geez.”

He giggled, relaxing back into his seat. Now it was time to see how everyone else reacted.
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His grin fell, slightly. Still a smirk, but no longer a laugh.

“Okay then.”

Because given the reactions to what he had just said he probably went a little too far there. Whoops. Won’t do it again. Well the odds were that he was going to do it again but at the point when he actually did do it again it was likely that everyone involved would have forgotten about this. Well, actually thinking about it it was unlikely that he was ever going to forget the glorious reveal of the banana penis, it was just one of those things that you could easily bring up for weird experiences. Maybe in 20 years he’d be talking to his children or grandchildren or whatever (wait wouldn’t he be 34 in 20 years? His children would have to really fuck up if he were to have grandchildren at that point) at the dinner table and he’d be giving them the marvelous tale of the day he and the other three losers at his health table discovered the glory of the banana penis. Assuming he lived that far, anyway.

But yeah, he probably went too far. That happened. Typically when he was around Emma but occasionally other people would get offended at him too. Emma didn’t really mind it when that he did in the end, although others did sometimes. Difference between Emma/literally most of his actual friends right there.Well, it was less of a “he liked people who didn’t get offended easily” thing and more of a “he liked people who actually gave him chances for his mistakes in addition to being people that Jeremy actually wished to talk to and be around.” Hopefully this incident would be more of the same. It’d kinda suck for him if it didn’t, especially considering how he almost sounded cocky before.

He placed his chin on his hand, leaning forward slightly.

“I’ll take the thing if you don’t want it now.”

Then a voice made his body jolt. Someone unknown, saying his name. He looked up. There was a kid. Year below him, he thought. Wait no. Little more than that. Probably like, someone in year 8 or 7 or something like that. Office boy. The slave of the receptionists, for the day.

...Oh, so apparently he had to go somewhere? Well. Okay then. Least that meant he didn't have to do the stuff with the condoms.

"Actually, nevermind that. 'Pparently I have to go somewhere. See ya guys later."

And with that, he stepped up, and left the building.

((Jeremy Frasier, continued elsewhere))
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