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Everything You've Always Wanted To Know; Mild content warning; Health class, 9th/10th grade. Open (really)
Topic Started: Jan 23 2016, 01:16 AM (1,533 Views)
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Oh boy, sex ed. Sex ed was hilarious.

Haley acknowledged that it was a vital class and provided fundamental knowledge on one of the most basic topics of human life, but they also acknowledged that they couldn't take the topic seriously. Haley may be a high schol freshman now, but they still had the sense of humor of a middle schooler. They'd heckled the childbirth video and giggled during the lectures. Mrs. Barks had reprimanded them several times before, and Haley had run out of second chances. They needed to make some effort to control themselves.

But bananas and condoms? Haley lost it.

This was yet another important lesson, but one Haley wasn't sure they needed to have. The penis-having part of the class would benefit, but Haley? They didn't have one, and the only time they'd have to do this was to help someone else put it on. And that would be awkward. Who'd ask their partner to slip their dick into a rubber sheath? Haley wouldn't, but they didn't have one. Haley had also never been in a remotely sexual situation their whole life. They couldn't know for sure.

They had to be in groups to do this? That was an odd choice. Did putting on a condom involve group effort? Haley figured it saved the class from sitting in silence and fiddling with their bananas, but having three or four people doing it together was just as awkward

As they formed groups, Haley immediately gravitated towards a girl across the room. Good ol' cousin Emma. This activity would be a whole lot more fun with her, despite being an older relative. She was already grouped up with two other sophomores, but four was an acceptable group size. At least being the youngest excused their mindset.

"Heya, Emma," Haley said as they strolled up to the trio, nodding at the other two. "Y'all ready to use the power of teamwork to put these condoms on bananas?"
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The upperclassmen accepted Haley into their fold. Haley only knew the other two boys by name and what little information they'd heard about them. They knew that Danny was on the football team, but knew almost nothing about Jeremy. They were only classmates, but Haley was open to socializing with them. After all, The best way to get to know people was over a sex ed lesson.

Their foursome was official. "A competition, huh?" Haley chimed in, ears perked at Danny's little joke. "That sounds like a blast. It'd get people excited about this ." They motioned at the nearest table and giggled. "Not that this isn't already super engaging."

They plopped down in a seat, reaching over and picking up a condom wrapper. "But we can't just stand around and twiddle our fingers." They stifled a laugh as they held the wrapper up and shook it. "Let's get our hands dirty."
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"Hell yeah I wanna start first," Haley grinned. Turns out Jeremy had a sense of humor, and a damn good eye too. He was the first to notice the banana was plastic, and that there was a cap. Danny fiddled with it for a split second and confirmed it. Things just got a whole lot more interesting. What secrets did this banana hold?

They took the banana from Emma's hands and began to unscrew it. It indeed was a plastic banana, but Haley could only guess what the screw was fo-

"Ohohhoh my god..."

Haley couldn't help but laugh. It was a penis. They were holding an honest to God penis. Haley hadn't seen many penises in their life, but this was definitely one. Real bananas would've been a smarter choice, Haley thought. It'd make things less awkward, since kids wouldn't have to practice on an actual penis. But hey, maybe Mrs. Barks wanted them to experience it with the real deal. Or maybe she didn't want to waste food.

Either way, Haley couldn't complain.

This was way funnier.
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Everyone else lost their shit. Emma was in shock, Danny giggled, and Jeremy...Jeremy was a goddamn hyena. He was louder than Haley, which they thought was a good thing. It masked their own immaturity.

Danny's comment to Jeremy snapped Haley back to reality. "Uh, yeah," they coughed. "Right. Gotta get this done." They picked up the condom wrapper they'd dropped and unwrapped it. Unlike the banana, this one held no surprises - it was just a ring with plastic inside. Under normal circumstances Haley would've snickered when presented with a condom, but this was benign compared to the...

God, they couldn't look at the thing with a straight face. Haley snorted as they took the condom and placed it at the tip, and began to roll it down.

Except it didn't move.

Haley furrowed their brow and kept pulling, but it refused to move. They fumbled with it for a couple seconds before looking at their group members with exasperation.

"Uh..."
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Haley got two responses. The first was dear, sweet cousin Emma pointing out that they could be putting it on upside down. Then there was Jeremy, who said the banana dildo didn't deem them worthy enough to put on a condom.

And for the sake of humor, Haley responded to the latter.

They looked him in the eye and snorted. "Really? I doubt this" thing has any agency." They retorted, shaking it around a little. "If dildos could choose who used them, a lot more people would be having a lot less fun." The one thing that irked Haley was that Jeremy was calling it a dildo. Yes, it was a penis in a banana, but was it meant to go up the ass? They were most likely just a fun tool for hands-on sex ed, but when Haley thought about it, they could be covert sex toys. Haley shot a glance at Mrs. Barks.

Oof. They didn't want to imagine her shopping for dildos.

They wordlessly heeded Emma's advice, and flipped the condom over. "Aha!" They exclaimed as it rolled down as smooth as butter. They waggled the condom'd banana at Jeremy. "Guess I was the chosen one after all!"
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The little joke was shaping up to being a full-blown fairy tale. Jeremy and Danny were chipping in to create lore surrounding the banana dildo, and how there could only be one Chosen One at a time. This particular detail was being disputed over, especially since Emma was challenging them for the title.

There were two schools of thought here. Jeremy thought that only those of a specific clan could wield the banana dildo, and Danny threw out something about fighting for the throne. Now on top of being the chosen one, Haley was a reigning monarch. That last detail alone was enough for them to favor Danny's idea canon, but Jeremy's was a lot nicer to Emma.

So why not both?

"Boys, boys" they tutted, waving the banana dildo like a king's scepter. "You're presuming that I want to keep the throne." They put their hand to their forehead and sighed. "I've been ruling for, what, a couple minutes? It's tiring," Haley turned to Emma and smiled. "Obviously I'd give up the throne to the next in line," They said, stretching their hand out. "But yes, only those of House Luz can wield the banana." Grandpa must've done something amazing if all his descendants were Chosen Ones of the great banana dildo. Danny and Jeremy were stuck being the peasants of the Banana Dildo Kingdom.

"Unless..."

Something clicked. Haley flashed a devilish grin, stifling laughter as they waggled the banana dildo. "You were knighted."
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Emma was right: Sir Jeremy and Sir Daniel did have a nice ring to it. The prospective knights (squires?) seemed to think so as well, and they were eager to be knighted.

A little too eager.

Now there was a little dilemma: Emma wanted to test her worthiness and take the throne, while Jeremy wanted to be knighted. God forbid he had to wait until Emma put the condom on before becoming a Knight of the Royal Banana. If this was a real kingdom, things might've gotten violent. But this was a health class, and the worst injury was hurt feelings. Either way, it was up to the reigning monarch to solve the problem.

Haley held up a hand to their cousin. "Hold up, princess," they said. "If the squire wants to be knighted, he shall." The last action of Sovereign Haley would be tapping a plastic dick-banana on a young squire's shoulders.

Or shoving it up his ass.

When asked which one would happen, Haley's faux-regal facade was broken by a stifled chuckle. Danny's reaction to the question made them laugh even harder. They doubled over, hand over their mouth and giggling like mad. It took them a moment to regain their composure. "S-sorry, Jeremy, I don't think I can do that..." They cleared their throat and stood back up again, still smiling. "Besides, we're still in class, and nobody else wants to see that."

Instead, they took the banana and tapped it on both shoulders. "Congratulations, Sir Jeremy," They said, tossing the banana to Emma. "You're now next in line for the throne after Princess Emma over there."
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Fucking hell.

Haley couldn’t help but laugh at the mental image Jeremy’s quip gave them: a banana dildo being tossed in the air, and landing perfectly in someone’s crotch. A hole in one, Haley thought, giggling. But they retracted the mental image the second they remembered that Jeremy was talking about Emma. Don’t get them wrong, it was still funny, but Haley drew the line at imagining family in sexual situations.

Then Danny spoke up. The poor kid had his head in his hands, and Haley almost didn’t hear him. He timidly asked their group if they could focus on the assignment and not get too lewd.

Haley’s first thought was that he was a killjoy - the rest of the group was having their fun, and it wasn’t their problem if Danny couldn’t handle it. But another small part of them did feel kind of sorry for the guy, so they were ultimately neutral on the prospect. They’d already had their fun - Sovereign Haley had stepped down from the throne, and was out of the political sphere of the Banana Dildo Kingdom. Now all they had to do was sit back, relax, and watch over the kingdom from afar. Like presidents when they get too old.

It was all up to Emma and Jeremy, though they doubted that the latter would let up.
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