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Everything You've Always Wanted To Know; Mild content warning; Health class, 9th/10th grade. Open (really)
Topic Started: Jan 23 2016, 01:16 AM (1,526 Views)
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Danny hadn't been paying attention for the most part, to be honest. He'd spent most of the lesson doodling in his book (he was on a dwarf kick, so there were a lot of beards and hammers and stuff) instead of looking at his teacher, or the pile of plastic bananas.

It's not like it mattered. It was 10th grade. People knew about sex by now. If Mrs. Banks thought otherwise she was out of the times. They didn't need all these classes. Okay, they probably did, because, y'know… safety and not wanting random pregnancies and all that. But still.

He only looked up once Mrs. Banks told them to divide into groups. Wait, divide into groups? For putting on condoms? Wasn't that… a little awkward? Did he really need a second-in-command to help him put a condom on a banana?

Danny frowned at his latest dwarf drawing—this one was some weird warrior from some invented fantasy religion that he'd invented but forgotten half the details about—before shutting his book and dragging his chair towards the nearest cluster of people. At this point, that was Jeremy and Emma, neither of who he was too familiar with. Okay, he knew of Emma because she was always doing stuff and was everywhere. And Jeremy was super tall, so that was a thing.

“Hey. Is this a group? Can I join?”
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Another girl turned up. No, wait, that was Haley, and she—they—were like… some sort of in-between thing or not a gender or something? Danny didn't get it, to be honest, but whatever floats their boat. Wasn't his problem.

Emma and Jeremy seemed cool with him joining up, too, so that was good. Better than being kicked out to wander, confused and alone, among the jungle of bananas and condoms. Or maybe that was better. He'd decide later.

“Four seems good to me. Though, I'm not sure really why this has to be done in teams to begin with. It's not a sport. ...I mean, unless we go 'first one to roll it on wins.'” After a moment of consideration and a glance around the room at the other forming teams, Danny added, “I mean, we could totally do it faster than any other team but… yeah. I -I mean not that, uh… my point was… four is good!”
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Okay. Innuendos was apparently what the group was going for. Yaaay.

Danny prodded at the table, looking mildly uncomfortable. Although, really, the innuendos didn't make everything that much more uncomfortable, if only because this stuff was uncomfortable to begin with. Seriously, why'd they have to do this in a group? Whose idea was this?

Did he need to make innuendos, now? Otherwise they'd know he was uncomfortable, and they'd think he was uncomfortable with actual sex, which he totally wasn't, and then he'd be that weird guy who runs away from things forever. Even though that'd only been, like, once. And he'd totally only made excuses that time because it was just a bad day for it.

Danny only looked back up again when Jeremy mentioned the cap.

“Why would it have a cap, though? Maybe it's just the seam where they, y'know… glued this together or whatever. It probably doesn't actually move or—“

Danny reached over and twisted the thing briefly, but upon realising that it actually did seem to be about to come off he immediately let go of it again. He also let go because there was something intrinsically awkward about two people holding onto an item meant to represent a dick.

“Okay, yeah, that's a cap.”
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Aaaaaand that was a dildo. Because this wasn't awkward enough.

Danny let out a short, high-pitched and very nervous giggle before coughing and trying to look like that noise had not come out of him. Pfft, totally wasn't him. It was Jeremy, who was losing his shit over there. He could pass that off as being Jeremy.

“Well. That's a thing,” Danny said, voice mostly under control.

Jeremy was still laughing. He gave Jeremy a brief pat on the shoulder.

“Breathe, man. Just… breathe. Although if you die laughing we all get As without having to do the work. That's totally a rule.”

This was ludicrous enough that he'd done a loop, and a weird sense of calmness had come over him.
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Well, at least Jeremy wasn't completely dying of laughter anymore. It had started attracting looks. Danny stopped patting Jeremy on the back and covered his mouth casually with one hand as he watched Haley try and fail to put the condom on.

Everyone else had advice or quips or whatever. Danny didn't really have anything. He had the feeling that he probably should have some sort of advice. He was the one with a reputation for being a flirt here. But he didn't know jack shit.

"Um. Yeah. What Emma said?"

He didn't really react to Jeremy's joke. He didn't find it that funny and this situation was too awkward for him to find real levity in. Looking at the dildo--it was a damn dildo, there was no getting around that--and watching the process of rolling a condom on it was weirdly uncomfortable, even if it was just putting rubber on plastic. Danny stared at the table instead.
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While they continued debating over whether the dildo had agency or not, Danny had silently pulled his notebook towards him and started drawing. Or trying to. Trying to distract himself from the situation.

Inanimate objects choosing who was worthy to wield them was pretty cool, though, so he started drawing a little crowned dude holding something that definitely wasn't a dildo. Like a trident or some shit.

He glanced up at Haley, still holding the… thing… and silently amended the drawing from a dude to a… whatever Haley was. No gender. He could go ambiguous. Ambiguous trident ruler. And if Emma tried it next and was also worthy, then maybe it was a clan system like Jeremy said. Or maybe—

“Or you'd have to fight for the throne,” Danny said outloud, still not fully focused on the actual situation as he started doodling a girl with a crown to match the not-gender person with a crown. (Would Haley be a king or queen or was there a third word?)

He was more comfortable now, focusing on drawings based on the situation at hand and just ignoring the condom and the dildo and everything. Nothing even mildly sexual about two cousins fighting for the right to rule, while a guy named Jeremy grovelled in the background.

Man, this could totally be a thing.
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Knighted, huh? Danny could roll with that in a normal context. Fighting dragons and shit. Rescuing princesses. That's totally what knights did. He could rock the shit out of being a knight, and was already scrawling in little knights near the royalty in his drawing.

He just had to block out any mention of the word 'dildo.' Maybe also any mention of the word 'banana.' Unless that was one of their main exports for trades with other kingdoms. And even then, they'd just be bananas. Regular, wholesome bananas that didn't have dicks inside them.

He stayed fairly quiet, just listening as he drew and as Emma demanded the banana to prove she was worthy and Jeremy also demanded to get knighted right now and--

Jesus Christ. Jeremy, why?

"Shoulder!" Danny blurted out, before coughing and trying to act more casual about it. "Uh... shoulder. Not... I mean, people are... sharing that, so..." He paused, and then realised basically saying 'people are sharing that dildo' was not going to make it any better. He covered his face partially with one hand and closed the book he'd been drawing in. Suddenly he really didn't want to draw knights.
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“I'm fine,” Danny said into his hands.

He was not fine. But he had to say he was fine. He had to be cool. What was he supposed to say? The fake dick was making him uncomfortable? He wasn't a baby.

And Emma was, like, super smart and pretty and all that. So he didn't want her to know he couldn't handle all these dildos. ...Wow, that came out wrong.

He managed to lower his hands and try to look calm again. At least being black made it harder for people to tell when he was blushing. But then Jeremy just had to say that, and give him the visual of Emma using that banana dildo.

Stupid overactive imagination.

Danny covered his face again. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ on a unicycle.

Why did this all have to be so… not funny?

“Can we...” he started timidly, voice muffled by his hands again. “Can we just… put the banana cover back on? And… maybe just… do the work without… yeah?”
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Danny didn't look up for a while. Emma seemed equally as non-enthusiastic about the jokes, so at least he wasn't alone in this. That would make him a buzzkill or a killjoy or something un-fun. But if the playing field was equal, then it was common sense. That's how it worked, right?

Jeremy didn't push the jokes, though. Awesome. Well, not awesome. Awesome was like… 'hey here's a free ice-cream' or 'hey, that pretty girl is into ballet and is cool with swapping numbers.' Someone agreeing not to make uncomfortable jokes was less awesome and more… uh, some other word. Okay? Acceptable? Yeah, that worked.

Danny looked through his fingers for a moment, before lowering his hands and trying to behave like he was completely unperturbed by events. Granted, he wasn't really looking directly at anyone, but no-one would notice if he just looked slightly above and to the right of anyone's face, right?

Yeah. He totally got this shit down.
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