Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Sabrina Luz; The Experiment in Positivity
Topic Started: Jan 14 2016, 01:06 AM (343 Views)
Member Avatar
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey Decoy, I'll be critiquing Sabrina for you today. Right now Sabrina is Denied pending some changes.

Hobbies and Interests: Ballet, cooking

Sabrina needs one or two more hobbies. Only having two really isn't enough to adequately represent a character or what she's like as a person.
Sabrina Luz has thick black hair that goes down to her chest, and is kept straight most of the time, but becomes wet wavy when wet wavy.

Sabrina is 5 feet, two inches tall, and weighs 115 pounds, both due to exercise and being naturally slim, with the only exception in this being her bust size, as she is naturally busty.
This sentence could do with being split into two as right now its very long. Also the information about her bust size isn't really necessary.
but when she doesn't, she normally wears collared shirts, skirts, and heels.
I don't think a 16 year old is going to be wearing heels on a daily basis, maybe heeled sandals or boots but not out and out heels.

The first two paragraphs of the biography for your profile are directly copied and pasted from KamiKaze's profile for Emma Luz. I want both of these rewritten because even if they are sisters and the details would be the same this is not your own work.

Please also be aware that the timeline and some of the details you have given for the building of the compound directly contradicts or do not match the information given in Eliza Luz's profile. This will need to be amended.

The fact that there is only one small paragraph dedicated to ballet, something that turns up in both Sabrina's hobbies and interests and advantages isn't enough detail. I'd assume its a major hobby of hers but it only turns up after this once or twice in the rest of the profile. How often does Sabrina practice ballet? Where does she practice ballet? Does she take part in any shows? This will need to be greatly expanded as right now it just tells us she does ballet.

Academically, Sabrina has been a gifted student since freshman year, getting almost straight A's in the advanced classes, due to the fact that she spends her weeknights and Sunday nights studying when she is not at a ballet lesson, only planning to relax on the weekend.
But she studies on the weekend as well? How long do her ballet lessons last? What does she do in her free time? Does she even have free time between all this ballet practice and studying? What happens when she a project due but there's also a show coming up? How does she juggle that to maintain her straight A's and GPA. This sounds like it would all be very stressful.

Straight A's in almost all the advanced classes is quite an impressive feat for someone who didn't take much of an interest in learning when they were younger. What changed to make Sabrina put this much effort in? Since this is a large turnaround.

She's also 16 and in 12th grade meaning she's skipped a grade at some point but this detail isn't in the profile at all. When did it happen? Why did it happen? How does Sabrina feel about it? This is a fairly significant event in someones school life so I'd like a lot more detail regarding it.

Socially, she is friends with the popular group, due to her good looks and good nature. While she doesn't hang out with them a lot during the week, she does go out with them during the weekend.
Ok I'm going to have to stop you with the good looking thing here. Beauty is subjective, please amend the profile to make it less of a fact that Sabrina is good looking. Also how does she have time to go out on the weekends? She doesn't have time for any extracurricular activities between ballet and studying.

Advantages: Physically, Sabrina is, due to her ballet, very agile and resilient. Mentally, Sabrina is intelligent, and she has some basic survival ad self-defense skills. She has an ally in her sister Emma, and is popular and friendly enough to be able to ally with a wide variety of people.
Ok here's where we encounter so more issues. Twice before during the profile you've mentioned how Sabrina really doesn't enjoy going out on the camping trips her family goes on. Now while I'm not saying she wouldn't have picked up anything from these trips, but if she spent most of her time bored or disinterested she would not have picked up an adequate level and knowledge of survival for it to be an advantage.

Another major issue is that you've said how she'd be able to ally with a wide variety of people...how? It's hard to gauge this because there's not enough information in the profile that corroborates this statement. Sabrina barely has a personality right now besides being friendly, sociable and studying a lot. That doesn't tell us enough about her. What are her opinions on LGBT issues? I'd assume she'd have an opinion since she's a lesbian but there's no mention of it in the profile. You've not said what she likes to do in her free time really. She looks after her sister I guess?

Disadvantages: Compared to the average high school upperclassman, Sabrina has no particularly negative qualities. While she is not perfect, she is simply not bad enough at anything to qualify as truly being bad at it, being average or untested at worst.
Ummm no. Everyone has flaws, especially in a scenario like the island where people are put in a high stress situation. I want some real disadvantages for Sabrina before I can approve this profile.

And that's it. Make those changes and then post back here and I'll give Sabrina another look.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
Offline Profile Goto Top
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Free Forums with no limits on posts or members.
« Previous Topic · Forfeited and Abandoned Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic