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My Friends Are Assholes; [Private/PM for entry]
Topic Started: Dec 30 2015, 07:44 PM (2,311 Views)
General Goose
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Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Bradley liked to loudly announce his entrances.

It was fun. Stroked his ego.

Did good for society, too. Awareness of Bradley's presence, whether you loved or loathed him, was good for mentally preparing yourself, mental fortitude, mental health. It made an accurate first impression, and information was good to have for everyone. And hell, the people who didn't like him? It was a warning. Brace yourselves, because Hurricane Bradley's here. Really, Bradley's habit of making his presence known was a win-win for everyone involved, regardless of their relationship to or opinion of Bradley. And what reason was there to be abandon such a societally beneficial quirk?

Bradley was a philanthropist at heart, you see.

Sadly he did not have a boombox or speaker system on hand to exploit, and had never quite acquired the entourage of hypemen that he deserved. So he had to settle for shouting. Once he had located his friends, and others...friendship was in the eye of the beholder, Bradley thought. Damn. That was a good sentence. Sort of shit Confucius woulda said. Bradley was cultured as fuck.

Anyway, yeah. Once Bradley had spotted his friends and others, he began marching towards them.

"Yo, Van Dyke!"

Bradley had always thought of giving Darius an even better nickname.

But Van Dyke? Really? You couldn't improve on that. It was comedy gold.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
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General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Caedyn departed almost in sync with his arrival, as if she'd left the oven on or her clock was ticking or some shit like that. Bradley did not flinch from her eye contact. He reveled in it. Good to know that he made a difference in her life. Wasn't that what most people wanted to do? Caedyn's glare was intended as insulting. Pitying. The look of exasperation, of 'you are no longer my business', a look Bradley knew all too well. Rather petty, in Bradley's view. But he had been exposed to that look, of abandoned social obligation, of exhausted patience, that it struck a chord with him. Nostalgia. Happy memories. Positive connotations. All that gay shit.

He gave her an exaggerated smile, and tipped an invisible fedora.

And blew a kiss, but she was no longer looking at him at that point.

Darius followed her. Bradley more than understood why people would not be fond of his company, but he was more of a laugh than Caedyn was, if nothing else.

No disrespect towards Caedyn intended, of course, he had nothing against her, but come on, Darius.

You're a Floyd, for fuck's sake. Where's your blood loyalty?

Was blood loyalty a phrase? Sounded like some Game of Thrones shit. Or some Nazi shit. One of the two. Either way, not a phrase he'd use again. Except to annoy people.

He reciprocated Jerry's hand gesture, but was too distracted by this glorious new opportunity, to stir some shit up, engage in some amateur sleuthing, that he stopped by Darius and Caedyn, and forced himself into their business. Jerry would understand. Golden opportunities and all that. He'd be kicking himself later if he didn't take this chance now.

"To your Nintendo?" Bradley said, with every emotion blown out of proportion, the minor anachronism a reason for teasing of the highest order.

"Two things: no-one uses Nintendo as a noun to describe the company's handhelds anymore. This isn't the 1990s. Their monopoly has ceased, Darius. And secondly, Nintendo? Really?"

Bradley knew Darius liked his Nintendo games, and it was a preference he understood. But that wasn't important right now.

"Only grannies and five year old girls play Nintendo games these days, Darius. Get with the times. Like," and he rolled his eyes back, preparing his best Valley Girl impression. "Ohmygod you're never gonna get laid playing Princess Peach games."

He then turned to Caedyn. "And Caedyn, please! Don't eject yourself from this conversation so prematurely!"

He was setting himself up for a sick burn, but he didn't mind.
Edited by General Goose, Jan 12 2016, 05:46 PM.
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
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General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Peanut butter, licks, urination.

So much stimulation. So many crude joke opportunities, so little time.

This would be one of those situations where five minutes later, he'd realise a super-awesome comeback, or insult, or some sort of line that would spread around the school like memetic wildfire. But at the moment, his brain was blank. People were doing already pretty good jobs of making fools of themselves, and there was really one candidate for winding up anyway. He would focus his gadfly skills on the most promising targets.

He'd still come up with some super-awesome and super-obnoxious comment in five minutes time, when the window for wit had passed. The Germans had a word for that. Schadenflargen or something like that.

But for now, he had a theme, and he'd keep on going with it. Guaranteed results!

"Only way to stop Caedyn licking your nose is if you prematurely sneeze."

Comedy gold, Brad. You could be a YouTube star.

Wait no Jerry had already made a wittier remark with the bitch thing.

Fucking competition.
Edited by General Goose, Jan 12 2016, 05:41 PM.
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
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General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"Dammit, Darius!"

He threw his hands up in the air, as if the course of the conversation was actually angering him. Of course, his behaviour was too over-the-top for anyone to seriously suspect that he was genuinely annoyed. But real talk for a sec - Bradley was currently the smartest person in this room.

Well, using a metaphorical definition of room, as they were outside.

And fleeting and subjective definitions of smart.

And person.

But still. These guys were being dumb as fuck.

Except for Jerry. Jerry also recognised how stupid things were being. Jerry seemed like the sorta guy who you could make all the homoerotic jokes with, and he wouldn't want to punch you in the face or jump in your pants after. The perfect balance. He'd need to try that soon. Maybe use the nose licking thing to start, as Jerry seemed to find that offputting. Perfect ammunition.

"Shazam is that music service owned by Marvel Comics," he said, correcting Darius's blunder. With further misinformation. It would piss off anyone who heard it. "The wrestler you're thinking of is called Sheamus." He pronounced that wrong, too. Just to wind Jerry up a bit.

At least, he thought he pronounced it wrong.

Fuck. He accidentally pronounced it right.

"And Jeremy. You're being an idiot. Darius did not say you stole his DS to play Mario Kart 8. Your attempts at smartassery have failed!"

"Failed!"
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
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General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
If Bradley had a capacity to feel bad about social awkwardness, he would have felt bad at that very moment. His attention had left the reality show TV drama bullshit that had now hijacked the once promising saga of the missing Nintendo, so he was only too happy to engage in an actual conversation with someone who wasn't currently boring the fuck out of him.

"Jerry, man," he replied, turning to face the devotee of homoerotic dancing. Oh, homoerotic dancing. He liked that one. That's a good description of wrestling. He'd have to slip that into conversation later. It wasn't even necessarily an insult.

But for shits and giggles, he'd frame it as such.

"No problem with you mouthing off to me about wrestling, but just so you know, not into it myself. So prepare for either stupid questions or having to engage in a monologue."
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Jerry's question was a good question. Not like the dumb questions he had about wrestling. Mainly there were about whether the wrestlers faked fighting game-style special moves at all. See? Really dumb question. He wasn't sure what constraints of reality they abode by. And also, it'd be quite amusing to see Jerry shocked by such a dumb question.

Now that he thought about it, he'd quite like to see Hulk Hogan doing a hadouken.

See. Hulk Hogan was the first wrestler that came to mind. That guy with the stupid moustache and repugnant personality. Bradley was outdated as fuck over here, like Mr Burns asking for the Prussian Consulate in Siam.

"To be honest," Bradley replied, in the short window of time before Jeremy's interruption, "I used it to catch up on homework. Yep. That's how boring a party it was."

Well, that wasn't strictly true.

"Okay. I lied. I used it to catch up on the creation of innovative excuses for why I hadn't done my homework."

He also had gone around the rooms patting all the girls on the head and cooing at them, like they were adorable babies, just to wind it up. But it didn't sound anywhere near as funny as it was in person. He'd have to show Jerry that particular comedy act in person later.

And then Jeremy came over.

"Jesus. Jerry. Jeremy. This is a recipe for comedic misnaming mishaps."

Jeremy was asking for protection.

Moron.

"What do you expect me to do, Jeremy? Draw on my large pool of social goodwill to get you out of this? Or do you want me to fight for you? Because quite frankly, even though we could probably take these guys, you're not worth the punishment."
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
General Goose
Member Avatar
Don't cast aspersions on my asparagus.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"Well this was a bigger waste of time than elections in Russia."

The saga of Darius's console for girls now being solved, Bradley turned and left the scene.

The internet wouldn't troll itself.

((Bradley Floyd continued in Roots of Jade. Sadly.))
Edited by General Goose, Feb 10 2016, 05:18 AM.
V7 peeps:
Nick Ogilvie
Ashlynn Martinek
Bill Winlock
Camille Bellegarde

V6 peeps:
Kiziah Saraki
Bradley Floyd
Online Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
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