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My Friends Are Assholes; [Private/PM for entry]
Topic Started: Dec 30 2015, 07:44 PM (2,310 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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"Eh..."

Jerry had been tucking his hands behind his head and sitting all nonchalant like, but something about this was rubbing him the wrong way. He had two guesses, the first one didn't count, it started with C and ended with however in the holy fuck you spelled Cadullyndingaling's name. Seriously, who NAMES their kid that? Hippies. Hippies and people who read too much 'Gurm' or whatever that fat fucker who wrote Game of Throne's name was.

"Between the nose licking and being all suggestive and shit," Jerry started, his hands now in his lap. "I'm starting to feel a little weirded out here. Like, is anybody with me on this? Am I just crazy?"
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Darius was kinda an idiot. That was an established fact. Darius was also kinda weird. Which, Fiyori guessed, was also established. What would he plan with the peanut butter? Fiyori had not the slightest idea. And frankly, she felt it'd be better for her mind to not know.

Jeremy on the other hand did not seem to be an idiot. At least, not in the way Darius was. You could actually see that moment of resignation in his eyes. That moment he sat down, and the moment he knew that he won't escape so easily. Not without suffering through more of Darius' inane questioning. Darius wasn't particularly good at this detective thing, wasn't he?

There was a moment of Bradley saying something again. This time, his 'joke' was so bland and tiresome, she had to pay him attention. Just to sigh grimmly in his general direction. Nothing more, of course.

On more important matters, Caedyn added some fuel - thanks Caedyn! - because Jeremy's mood was not... energetic enough. Fiyori agreed.

Jerry found himself weirded out, which was worth a smirk. Fiyori licked over her lips. Slowly. Carefully. Made sure every inch was covered.

"Knowing you, it might just as well be 'crazy'."
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TwelveFourtyFive
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People were confused. Especially when Jeremy asked about his peanut comment.

"Eh, so you're not the dickhead with the peanut allergy?"

Darius pointed his index finger at Jeremy as if he was Phoenix Wright.

"Well, then you should. Peanut allergies for all thieves!"

But yeah, Jeremy had a legitimate reason not have stolen his DS. On the other hand Caedyn pointed out something Darius couldn't remember last night. Jeremy was suspicious, eh? Then Jeremy was a suspect. Darius concluded that Jeremy's excuse was what is was: An excuse.

"If it's not the 3DS, it's Mario Kart 8. That's what you wanted, then."

No clue why Jeremy thought that the location of the party was his home, though. Like, it wasn't even his party. Darius would've smacked the host of the party, if they asked him to host a party at his house. His room was sacred and nobody drunk except himself and maybe some friends shall ever enter it. But eh, who gives a fuck about that? It's just the 3DS that is important right now.

Not sure whether to laugh or eyeroll at Bradley's comment, which was on one hand unexpected and funny, but on the other hand a bit late, Darius wanted to comment Fury's comment. He quickly mouthed a 'thank you', with his hand mimicking Michael Scott, to Fiyori for pointing out the stupidity of Fury.

"Feel free to leave, senior Fury. But you're not crazy. You're...just not capable of understanding conversations not about CM Punk and...Shazam or however that irish ginger wrestler is called."
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Yugikun
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...

Jeremy just stared blankly at Darius for a bit. Did he think that he was Phoenix Wright or something? Well, that’d explain how stubborn he was right now. Saying no to the face of direct proof, and always trying to fight so that he could find the true answer. Except, no. The true answer was right there. Jeremy just said it. He had done nothing during Darius’ party, and he had no fucking reason to have stolen his “beloved” 3DS. Jeremy turned to look at Jerry for a bit. Dude was apparently wondering if he was crazy, and Jeremy was wondering the same thing. Somehow, Jerry Fury was probably the sanest person on the table besides Jeremy. Actually, wait, there was Bradley, but he had done so little that Jeremy forgot he was here until now.

Jeremy turned his head back towards Darius. Seems like if he was going to get out of this without getting covered in peanut butter he was going to unhinge himself a little bit. Couldn’t beat crazy without an equal amount of crazy.

He raised his right hand towards his head, his middle and pointer fingers waggling around his forehead.

“Tut, tut, tut. It seems that you’ve forgotten some very important pieces of information, Mr. Van Dyke.”

God, he hoped that he was doing Edgeworth correctly. It had been a while since he had been able to play the games. Wait, didn’t they get ported to 3DS recently? Hmm, he might get that when he got home, it’d be a pretty good investment.

“Firstly, you seem to forget that I have an alibi. For most of the party, I was sitting on a chair by myself, surrounded by people. Any one of them can testify that I didn’t move from that chair the whole night. Secondly…”

He slammed his right hand against the table, hearing a thump...not quite reverberate across the grounds. Wood wasn’t really good for that, it seemed. Still hurt though, he could feel the pain in his hand. Ow.

“Mario Kart 8 is not for the 3DS. It’s for the Wii U. Now, Mr. Van Dyke, tell me why I would steal something I don’t need for a game for a console that I don’t even have?”

He flashed a grin, before doing a mocking bow. Hopefully it would convince Darius’ backwards head that he didn’t steal the 3DS.
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"Dammit, Darius!"

He threw his hands up in the air, as if the course of the conversation was actually angering him. Of course, his behaviour was too over-the-top for anyone to seriously suspect that he was genuinely annoyed. But real talk for a sec - Bradley was currently the smartest person in this room.

Well, using a metaphorical definition of room, as they were outside.

And fleeting and subjective definitions of smart.

And person.

But still. These guys were being dumb as fuck.

Except for Jerry. Jerry also recognised how stupid things were being. Jerry seemed like the sorta guy who you could make all the homoerotic jokes with, and he wouldn't want to punch you in the face or jump in your pants after. The perfect balance. He'd need to try that soon. Maybe use the nose licking thing to start, as Jerry seemed to find that offputting. Perfect ammunition.

"Shazam is that music service owned by Marvel Comics," he said, correcting Darius's blunder. With further misinformation. It would piss off anyone who heard it. "The wrestler you're thinking of is called Sheamus." He pronounced that wrong, too. Just to wind Jerry up a bit.

At least, he thought he pronounced it wrong.

Fuck. He accidentally pronounced it right.

"And Jeremy. You're being an idiot. Darius did not say you stole his DS to play Mario Kart 8. Your attempts at smartassery have failed!"

"Failed!"
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Everyone was making a lot of noise, but none of it was very interesting. Jerry still seemed to think he was a relevant part of this conversation for some reason, which was weird because he wasn't even at the party...or was he? Whatever, it didn't matter, he was like one of those tiny, annoying dogs that got real bitchy when you didn't pay it attention. Maybe if they left him alone long enough he'd just start peeing all over the table? That'd be fun, she'd want to put a Pin in that one for later if it didn't work today.

Bradley was the first one to recognize how bad and weird Jeremy's defense was, but he was like, waaaaay to excited about the whole thing. To the point that she was now kinda legit suspicious that he stole whatever pointless thing they were arguing about. She didn't care about catching the culprit though, in fact it'd probably be way more entertaining to watch Darius go full detective for weeks driving himself nuts without any real leads. Besides, torturing Jerebear was amusing and it seemed to get on Fiyori's good side.

She let Bradley's flailing hang in the air for a little bit before clearing her throat. "So, uh, yeah. There's that, and there's also the fact that I totally saw you get up last night. I remember 'cuz I tried to get a Snap of you looking all adorably grumpy, but after I got my phone out of my purse, you were gone."

Caedyn would never clutter her carefully curated Snapchat with pictures of Jeremy at some lame party, but they didn't know that. Nobody here would appreciate the careful artistry of social media, they probably thought she just took random pictures of everything. It was a real burden being the most sophisticated, socially enlightened person in every room, but sometimes it had perks.
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MK Kilmarnock
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"Bro!"

Jerry leaned forward so far and so hard his butt was practically no longer in contact with the top of the picnic table. For a moment he had all but forgotten the conversation as all of his attention was on Bradley.

"Broooo, did you see that Sheamus came back!?" Jerry asked, jumping the gun.... hell, jumping the armory, and assuming that Bradley must have been just as wrapped up in rough man-cuddling as Jerry himself was. "He was all like 'woah D-Bry, woah Ziggler' and then he fucked 'em up and he's heel again! He hasn't been heel in years!"

Katie... yeah, let's go with Katie, she said something to Jeremy because she was apparently taking Darius's side on this. Something about Darius's Super Nintendo, still? Who brings a Super Nintendo to a party? That shit isn't even mobile. It would make a lot more sense to have like, a 3DS or something laying around a party and it would also make a lot of sense to steal one of those.

Darius was so silly.
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Ace Detective Darius van Dyke went all Ace Attorney on Jeremy. And to Fiyori's great surprise, Jeremy decided to play the game. There was a name for that. There certainly had to be. That moment when the sane guy just gives up. She loved when that happened, and it happened with Jeremy in that second. Fiyori chuckled at his display, and pondered for a moment. Should she maybe relent a little bit? No reason to drive Jeremy over the top. Then again, he seemed to take it fairly well. Made a suitable victim. Unlike Darius, whose mind was probably breaking. Not that she'd care about him, of course. He was an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, there was Bradley. She felt he deserved some flak, too. But that might make him talk even more. And that'd be an utter catastrophe. The occasional glare into his direction had to do for the moment.

Caedyn's remark was actually helpful. Helped her to decide.

"Fun fact: I was at the party too, and I saw you. Walking. Around. What an amazing twist, eh? So like, maybe try to think of a better alibi next time."

She tried to look stern. Brows furrowed and arms crossed. Cracked a smile at the end though. Oh well.
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Well, then it was not Mario Kart 8 but Mario Kart 7. Guh. Details. Numbers. Wow, such a knock-out argument.

And who cares about what the wrestler's called? Bradley's wisey wisey wisdom correcting was obnoxious. Bad Bradley habit.

At least Bradley pointed out, that Frasier was bad at defending himself. Let the pros do the talking. Another thing was that Caedyn and Fiyori were witnesses.

"Well, looks like you're caught, Frasier".

And Jerry...

Let's not further discuss Jerrestler's conversation. Conversation? Monologue? Soliloquy? Was there a hidden camera anywhere?

Turning back at Jeremy, he wanted to conclude this dilemma.

"So, where is my 3DS? Tell me. Did you steal it? Did one of your friends do it and you didn't want to backstab them?"
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Yugikun
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Okay, so it was official. Darius was an idiot. He was taking everything everyone else said at face value, and Jeremy was suffering because of this. He hadn’t moved a muscle during that party, and everyone there knew it. Darius was just so saddened by the loss of his beloved 3DS that he wasn’t even considering actual evidence or anything. He was just going to assume that Jeremy took the 3DS, not minding that Jeremy already had one, he wouldn’t have needed to take one for a Wii U game, and that Fiyori was just pulling shit out of her ass if it was convenient in the case towards him. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t a court of law. This was a witch trial. Evidence didn’t matter here, all that mattered was someone saying something and it’d be immediately considered the truth.

And now he knew what to do, if he wanted to get Darius to actually consider what he was saying.

“Objection!”

He pointed his finger forward, straight at Darius, before slamming his hands onto the table again. Still a bad idea, but his hands didn’t hurt as much this time. Maybe because he knew it’d happen this time, he didn’t know.

“Okay. I’ll confess. I was up and walking last night, but it wasn’t because I was trying to steal the 3DS. Like I said, already have one, don’t need another one.”

He considered the next part of his story. Who should he shift the blame onto? The person he actually saw stealing stuff last night? Or Fiyori, who threw him under the bus for seemingly no reason?

He considered the options for a bit. Revenge won out over Justice.

“I was up walking last night because I saw Fiyori steal stuff from the party. Just small things, mind you. Food, books, those sort of things. I was going to go up to her and call her out on it, but I got blocked by a group of people and I lost her before I had the chance to catch her.”

Okay, story was going good. No holes that he could see, and it made sense. Just needed to add the cherry on top to shift blame.

“Before I lost her, however, I distinctly saw her stuff a 3DS down her pockets! She’s the actual culprit!”
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If Bradley had a capacity to feel bad about social awkwardness, he would have felt bad at that very moment. His attention had left the reality show TV drama bullshit that had now hijacked the once promising saga of the missing Nintendo, so he was only too happy to engage in an actual conversation with someone who wasn't currently boring the fuck out of him.

"Jerry, man," he replied, turning to face the devotee of homoerotic dancing. Oh, homoerotic dancing. He liked that one. That's a good description of wrestling. He'd have to slip that into conversation later. It wasn't even necessarily an insult.

But for shits and giggles, he'd frame it as such.

"No problem with you mouthing off to me about wrestling, but just so you know, not into it myself. So prepare for either stupid questions or having to engage in a monologue."
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Most of the suck in the room had quarantined itself off very appropriately. Caedyn guessed since Bradley was the only person acknowledging the gaping vacuum that was Jerry Fury trying and failing to function, he'd latched onto him like the world's worst parasite. Sadly, this probably wouldn't prove fatal to either the host or the parasite, but at least it kept them together and away from everyone else. That meant more time to destroy Jeremy's spirit!

At this point, he had to be getting pretty close to breaking down. When he tried to insist that Fiyori was the one who actually stole the 3D glasses or whatever they were fighting about, she giggled and shook her head. "Oh Jerebear, really? That's your excuse? You've already confessed to lying once, so why should we believe you now? Besides that, if you kneeew that Fiyori was the thief, why didn't you just say that instead of running away?"

It was a rookie mistake: if you're going to lie, know what you're lying about and always be lying. Life was way easier that way. Jerebear was just too innocent for that kind of thing, though, no matter what silly front he put up. It was one of the things that initially drew them together. Well, like, it probably wasn't, but she liked to think that it was because that was more poetic and romantic and fun than the boring old "we were in middle school and relationships started to a be thing so like why not?" answer. There was no sense of purpose or destiny there, so who cared if it's the truth? If the truth is boring, spice life up with a few lies so that new truths will be more interesting!

With a short skip forward she leaned up towards Jeremy's face and gave him a wink. "Come ooooon. What's the real story? Darius wants his thingie back and you're being, like, super rude about it."
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MK Kilmarnock
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Half of Jerry's smile fell. Maybe Shawn Michaels found the other half and bucked up and stopped being such a goddamn pussy. If so, good for him. So Bradley wasn't into wrestling? Okay, minor setback. Not the hugest of deals. He could work with this.

"I'll take 'stupid questions' for 500, Bradley!" Jerry said, getting his energy back. But he watched, hands folded and fingers steepled like some fancy classy muthafucka, as Kate Plus Eight and 'Jerebear' (guh, that was weird) were doing their thing. Honestly, not stealing something just because you already had one was a pretty bad defense. Jerry'd steal that shit and sell it on eBay. Of course it wasn't him, because he wasn't at Darius's party.

"What do people even do at a Dick Van Dyke party anyway?" Jerry mumbled, mostly to himself, partially to Bradley, reeeeeally mostly to himself. "Parcheesi? Who's in my mouth? The party games have to suck."
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There it was! The moment everyone has been waiting for. At least, the moment Fiyori had been waiting for. It almost tired her, seeing all those people talking over each other, yet none accusing Fiyori. Ironic, perhaps. She was used to being prime suspect. Especially with stuff like that.

She took a big step, and lunged towards Jeremy.

Caedyn was working on his front, so Fiyori got up very close to his side. She hoped he'd attack her. She hoped that there was a bit more... attack behind the attack. A bit of logic, stuff that didn't make it so easy to dissect. Then again, with Darius as prosecutor and judge, Fiyori could see why he'd forsake logic. She would, too. Except she wouldn't because that'd be dumb and boring.

Here was to see that Jeremy made up with fortitude with what he lacked in finesse.

"Seriously man? Stealing food? Well, by all means. Because I did take some food. But where I came from, it's called eating. I can show you all about it later, if you want."

A genuine offer, by the way. There were some a new recipe she wanted to try. Got a bunch of pretty exotic herb combinations going on. Could use a test subject.
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Crossing his arms, he realised that Caedyn and Fiyori made good points.

"Really? Randomly accusing Fiyori to be a thief?"

Darius looked skeptical about Jeremy's claim. Jeremy's points seemed to be pulled out of his ass.

"Wow, stop being so racist, Jerebear!"

He liked the nickname. Jerebear. He had to managed to pronounce it without laughing out loud, but with a big grinning face.

He really was tempted to pat Jerebear. So he reached with his right hand for Jeremy's hair to rub it, to ruin it, to make it chaotic.

Also, did Jerry say something? Darius thought he heard something, but he wasn't going to ask Jerry to repeat what he said.
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