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Juniper Colton; Hiya! Would you like to try one our latest massage bars?
Topic Started: Dec 30 2015, 07:12 AM (263 Views)
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Mr. Danya
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Hi, Corey! Know what time it is? Critique time!

I'm afraid Juniper is DENIED pending some edits. She's a good start though, so let's have a look what needs editing:

Quote:
 
Name: Colton, Juniper Alicia
Gender: Female
Age: Seventeen
Grade: Senior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: cats, First in the list so capitalise this for me, if you would be so kind. cheerleading, Disney, hygiene, singing, theatre, and yearbook

Appearance: Juniper reaches 5í3Ē in height and sits at around 110 pounds. She is thin and unintimidating, having only a little muscle across her body. Beg pardon, but you say later in the profile that sheís been a cheerleader since freshman year, so I have to imagine that sheís actually quite athletic. Please either change this to be the case, or rethink her cheerleading interest if youíre set on her being a string bean. Juniper has quite a pale complexion with beautiful skin due to her ritualistic hygiene and skincare routines. She has a rounded face with high, prominent cheekbones. Her nose is wide with a relatively flat tip. Juniper has downturned eyes with hazel irises, and black glasses with rounded, rectangular lenses sometimes sit there to correct her vision: this is typically for reading. Her very dark blonde eyebrows are thin and manageable naturally and she maintains them ritualistically. Juniper has pert, upturned lips coloured rose that create a natural smile and ostentatious dimples. While they are not perfectly straight, she looks after her teeth and they have a nice white shine to them. Juniper has ears shaped like half-hearts; the lobes are unattached and unpierced.

Her hair is long, hanging just below her bust; it is typically worn in front of her shoulders. Juniper sometimes styles her hair to mimic Disney princesses; Elsa is the current favourite. Juniper has bleach-blonde hair and the roots are well maintained. What colour is her hair naturally? It is also common of her to run hair chalk of many different colours through her hair, creating a sudden and unexpected burst of colour. Juniper actively avoids most kinds of makeup because it tends to affect her skin badly. The only makeup Juniper can wear are eyebrow pencils and lipstick in one of the many shades she owns; this will only be present during formal situations. She carries a lip balm with her for use, especially on colder and windier days: her favourite being a medley of white chocolate, vanilla, and honey.

Her style of dress is quirky but well composed. Juniper favours Black Milk clothing, a particular brand that specialises in intricately coloured and printed leggings and skater-style dresses and skirts. Black, purple, and blue are all common colours of her wardrobe. One of Juniperís casual outfits would typically include a sheer black shirt with a black tank top underneath, her Black Milk Disney Princess leggings, and her ever-favoured pair of high-top light-wash denim Converse All-Stars. In terms of her accessorising, Juniper has an array of crowns made from fake flowers that she regularly employs to give her outfit a more fairy- or princess-type feel. She will often have a black hair tie on her wrist too. Juniper also carries with her a small satchel that depicts the face of a white cat; it has a silver zipper on the top and is attached by a long silver chain. On the day of the abduction, Juniper was wearing a glittery sand-coloured cardigan overtop her scoop-necked skater dress that depicted a galaxy, light-washed denim high-top Converse All-Stars, and donned a flower crown made up of fake pink and white roses. Juniperís hair was styled in a French braid, coming down in front of her left shoulder. Her cat satchel, which contained organic hand sanitiser, her favourite lip balm, and her black glasses, also featured as an accessory.

Very thorough appearance section, but please remember that profiles are indifferently objective and the terminology needs to reflect that, so you need to take out the more flowery adjectives like ďbeautifulĒ and ďquirkyĒ.

Biography: Devon Colton, a retail worker at a local body cosmetics store, and Trelise Hood, a personal assistant at a local law firm, met one another during a block party one summerís eve. The attraction was instant, and somewhat unforeseen; more importantly, the parents in the equation did not really approve of the romance. The Coltons found Trelise and her family snobbish and entitled, while the Hoods found Devon to be a lacklustre choice for their dearest daughter. Despite the resistance, the two moved in together developing a loving relationship quickly. Marriage soon followed, as did their first and only child, Juniper Alicia Colton, born March 13th, 1998.

As both parents work relatively low-income jobs and lack tertiary education, the Colton household is not economically sturdy. Both Devon and Trelise try hard to provide for the family, but doing so required them to spend much time at work, which meant enlisting the help of their parents to help them raise Juniper through her earlier years when money was at its most dire. By the time Juniper was three, both Trelise and Devon went for promotions at their respective work places; they agreed that whoever received the promotion would pick up more hours so the other parent could stay at home more often to alleviate the responsibility they had placed on their parents. Both parents were awarded the promotions, but Devon turned his down to spend more time with Juniper, and because Trelise was paid at a higher wage, making the choice economically beneficial for the family.

Juniperís grandparents kept her active, taking her to the nearby parks in Kingman regularly. When they were not at the local parks, Juniper would be playing with one of grandmotherís cats at the home of her motherís parents. She spent much time being read to and watching movies as a young child; this began to spark her love for all things Disney. With their involvement in her life, Juniperís grandparents on both sides grew incredibly fond of the young girl, spoiling her when they could knowing full well her parents could not do the same; and it was always Disney related. At five years old, Juniper was able to recite the entirety of The Little Mermaid from start to finish, and owned enough books on Disney, whether they be storybooks or information about the films, to fill up a moderately sized bookshelf. This love for the films stems from their ability to show the magical triumph of the princesses, and provide Juniper with an escape from her world. Currently, her top three Disney films of all time are Frozen, The Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty.

It was also around this time that Juniperís grandparents, the four of them collectively, approached her parents and asked about enrolling Juniper in singing lessons. Before the pair answered, the four grandparents agreed to pay for Juniperís singing lessons indefinitely. Devon and Trelise were stunned; and while they did not quite like the idea, because they felt it placed them in a debt of sorts, they succumbed to the suggestion because they knew it would be something Juniper would greatly enjoy. When Juniper caught wind of the news, she was the happiest she had ever been. Her singing lessons are no longer subsidised by her grandparents, somewhat because both of her grandmothers live on their own now and could not afford to continue it any longer. Despite this, Juniper is a very competent singer, and continues to sing to this very day; she is a part of Cochise Highís school choir. Her love of Disney transcends to this realm too, always pushing songs that are sure to inspire or promote positivity, even if a bit simple or idealistic.

Why did her grandparents all decide that she was such a good candidate for singing lessons? Obviously Disney is full of music, so it would be great if you could clarify if this was the source, since at the moment deciding to give her singing lessons isnít really justified in the profile.

Juniper has a very strong relationship with her two grandmothers, Cicely Hood and Alicia Colton, and had a strong relationship with her grandfathers, Kenneth Hood and Harry Colton, before their deaths. Losing her both of her grandfathers in the same year hit Juniper incredibly hard because of the time they had spent together. This experience expounded her already clingy nature, but also created positive connotations towards dependency on others; both her grandmothers clung towards Juniper because of the loss of their husbands and the lack of human interaction that would have otherwise ensued. This helped to normalise the idea of latching onto others in Juniperís mind. It was common of Juniper to develop an unwavering attachment to both people and material possessions, making it an incredibly difficult time when she had to part from them.

After the passing of her grandfathers when she was nine, Juniper made an effort to go out of her way to see her grandmothers. Growing up around two incredibly strong female figures has made Juniper very proud of her family, and in return, strives to make her family proud of her Ė particularly her grandmothers. She also receives the most attention from her grandmothers for her efforts either in the arts or at school. Juniper, prior to the abduction, had been spending a couple of nights each week with her grandmothers and away from home. Much of Juniperís motivation in life comes from pleasing her grandmothers and other strong female influences in her life, proving to her that strong women and girls do not just exist in Disney movies.

Stemmed from her experiences playing with her grandmotherís cats when she was younger, Juniper always had an interest in them; she would stop to pat cats in the street, which would always get her in trouble if Trelise saw her trying to pat a Ďstrayí. When Juniper turned ten, Cicely gave her a few books on caring for cats before presenting her with a fluffy white kitten. Juniper named her little male kitten Sebastian; the pair have been together ever since and as such, Juniper is highly protective of Sebastian, taking him with her whenever she goes away from home for more than a night. Juniper has always wanted more kittens, but with no way to sustain more of them financially herself, she is happy enough with just the one for now.

Juniper chose to become a vegetarian following an unfortunate dinner outing one evening where she ate chicken that was still raw in its centre. The experience was rather traumatic, leaving Juniper sick for several days. Coupled with her love of cats and other cuddly animals, Juniper decided to move to a vegetarian diet. At first, Trelise and Devon were resistant to the idea, but eventually caved when Juniper refused to touch any meat they cooked. She maintains this, being in her sixth year of vegetarianism. Juniperís stomach has gotten used to the lack of meat she consumes, and even if her values wavered, her body would have more difficulty processing and digesting any meat she ate.

At the conclusion of her preteen years, Juniper began noticing an extreme change in the relationship between her parents. This year, they had seemed very distant from one another, but that seemed to disappear suddenly. Juniper confronted Devon and Trelise about it out of nowhere over dinner one evening, with her fears of her parents getting a divorce. There was momentary silence over the family before Devon began to explain that he and Trelise had recently come out to one another as gay and lesbian respectively; and that while her parents loved one another more than ever, this was what has pulled them even closer together. Confused at first, Juniper asked how this was possible; Trelise responded by saying that her and Devon have opened up their relationship. The pair understand that they love each other and nothing will change that, but there were things that the other person was no longer able to provide. This introduced Juniper to the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction; it made Juniper much more accepting of queer people and much more understanding of her own feelings. At the same time however, it has made Juniper sceptical of her own relationships, not wanting to be a part of something that is intrinsically based on lies.

Juniper is openly bisexual, but only ever been in heterosexual relationships, and believes herself to be heteroromantic. We could really do with a bit more elaboration on her coming out of the closet. Perhaps give it a short paragraph to itself? The most influential relationship of her life has been one with her recent ex-boyfriend, Jay Stevenson, which she had for two years prior to the commencement of her junior finals. Through this relationship, Juniper was a victim of continual emotional abuse from Jay. The most notable part of this was whenever Juniper rejected his sexual advances; whether she was tired, stressed, or just genuinely did not want to at the time, this was always meet with disappointment and arguments from Jay. She felt pressured to consent to the advances, even when she was resistant, to avoid further arguments and insults. He also had a strong tendency to degrade Juniper in front of his friends, as well as talk condescendingly about Juniperís friends when they were alone. Juniper kept much of this hidden from people, only confiding in her closest friends and her grandmothers, and even then leaving many of the details secret, leaving her to deal with all of them on her own while in a clearly emotionally draining relationship. Mounting this, he also slept with several other girls during this period, none of whom she knew about until after the split, and seemingly moved on to the next one instantly following the break-up. This string of hook-ups and disregard for Juniperís feelings left her questioning whether he was truly in the relationship from the beginning.

Juniper took the break-up, despite it being mutual out of shared unhappiness, incredibly hard and developed serious trust issues when it comes to relationship matters due to what she experienced. Juniper became reclusive for a time afterwards, where her friendly and bubbly personality seemed to invert, creating a mild depression. Worried about their grandchild, Cicely and Alicia insisted that her parents find a counsellor for Juniper to help her deal with the issues. Devon and Trelise did not think the impact would be as bad as it turned out to be, though this is due to Juniper keeping the pair relatively out of the loop. She began taking anti-depressants as per the counsellorís suggestion, and while the depression arises sometimes, it is in a much more manageable state now. The aftermath of the break-up did worsen her relationship with Trelise, who thought Juniper was being a little dramatic out of her obliviousness; her grandmothers continued to be there for Juniper, bolstering her in her most difficult moments. This was further motivation for Juniperís decision to spend much more time living with her grandparents than at home, and while she holds nothing against her father, Juniper wants to leave home as soon as she possibly can, even it means living with one or both of her grandmothers.

Maybe itís just me, but isnít wanting to flee the house because her parents, who under my impression have been a totally loving family up until now, arenít 100% supportive of her depression issues? It seems like a bit of a dramatic shift in relationship, so if you could either justify it more or perhaps tone it back, itíd be appreciated.

Extroverted is an excellent descriptor of Juniperís personality, This reads as too conversational to me, please change the wording to be more impartial and her position socially is relatively polarised. Many of her peers either enjoy her optimistic and enthusiastic attitude and therefore get along with her exceedingly well, or they despise it, seeing it as tiresome and irritating; Juniper therefore has friends and enemies, but very few outliers whom feel neutral towards her. Could you change this so itís less dictating other students reactions to her? Ideally you should just state how energetic she is then suggest that other people sometimes react in certain ways without it being so hard line. She channels much of her hyperactive energy through cheerleading, which she has been a part of at Cochise since her freshman year; much of the student body would know who Juniper is due to her presence in pep rallies and school sporting events. Juniper has a great passion for cheerleading, particularly because she sees it as a method behind spreading school spirit and energy to others.

In arguments with Trelise, Juniper often found herself being called your everyday teenage drama queen. Eventually, Juniper decided to join the theatre club at Cochise in her sophomore year to spite her mother. She decided to prove Trelise right in an attempt at rebellion, becoming an actual drama queen to earn further ire from her. See this gives me a bit more basis to believe that sheíd be in a hurry to move out of the house, and you could potentially move parts of the profile around so the evidence falls together better. That said, her argumentative relationship with her mother is still coming out of left field to me somewhat. Juniperís decision caused a humorous response from her grandmothers. Are her grandparents trying to repair her relationship with her mother, by the way? Her mother is the daughter of one of them, after all. While Juniper had no prior experience in the area, she quickly found herself to be somewhat naturally talented at the art and enjoyed working with people that shared her level of enthusiasm and energy. She prefers either being on stage or calling the shots from the directorís chair, enjoying the responsibility both roles have in conveying the best performance possible. Titles she has particularly enjoyed working on have been Tartuffe by MoliŤre, where she played the sassy housemaid Dorine, and Lady Windermereís Fan by Oscar Wilde, where she directed a small excerpt.

In terms of her scholarly ability, Juniper is considered an average student with a GPA trucking around 3.15. She is neither outstandingly good nor outstandingly poor in subjects, performing above average in her music and theatre electives, with English scoring her the best grades. Juniper however does struggle with Geography and History, mostly due to a sheer lack of interest in either field, and therefore has little desire to do particularly well in either of them. Her strong grasp in essay writing makes her a particularly useful asset for the school yearbook committee, which she is drawn to because of its celebration of her friends and fellow student body. Juniper temporarily campaigned for senior class president this year, but ultimately decided to withdraw when she realised she was doing it for the wrong reasons and making outlandish promises she knew she would never be able to keep.

Juniper currently works part-time at the local body cosmetics store where her father is manager; this income helps her to afford most of the care for Sebastian and helps feed her need to be clean. Being around her father, who has worked there since before she was born, Juniper has developed an importance surrounding personal hygiene and general bodily cleanliness that doubles as a mode of relieving stress. She regularly brings home samples of the latest offerings the store has to share with her friends. She is not phobic of filth and germs, but severely dislikes being filthy herself, and is more adverse to anyone that does not take care of himself or herself hygienically. Juniperís greatest ambition is to travel to the Oxford Street LUSH Cosmetics store in London, not only to peruse the finest organic body cosmetics known but also to work there, climbing her way up to a managerial position.

Advantages: As a relatively experienced actor, Juniper can convey convincing rhetoric, perhaps creating temporary allies or lying her way out of trouble. Her optimistic worldview might provide her with a little more initial stability when things start to turn awry. Juniperís friendly and outgoing personality would make finding allies less troublesome.
Disadvantages: Her petite frame and lack of strength leaves her very easily overpowered. To reiterate from the start of the profile, as a cheerleader Juniper really shouldnít be a weakling, so this disadvantage needs to be rethought. Juniper, having been a vegetarian for quite some time, would have difficulty digesting meat if she had to consume it. As one for indoors, Juniper is reliant on home comforts, particularly her body cosmetics, and without them might find herself stressed much more easily. In addition, she attaches herself to others quickly and easily, creating problems when groups split or when deaths occur. Some of her peers might find her attitude annoying, which has the potential to create enemies on top of any she already has.

Iím afraid I find her disadvantage section a little bit lacking at the moment. Her vegetarianism is a pretty niche weakness, since the terrorists provide plenty of non-meat nutrients, and the hygiene and obnoxiousness weaknesses come off as a little wishy washy (She might be stressed out; some of her peers might find her annoying.) It would be really helpful if you could reword it to come across as just a little bit more debilitating, or perhaps look for another area that might impact her, just to balance her out a bit more.


So there we have it. Post here when you've made those changes, and I'll give Juniper another look. Thanks!
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Better, but there's a few things that still stick out:

5'3" and 110 lbs doesn't leave a lot of room for muscle. I'd appreciate it if you'd up her weight a bit to reflect her adjusted level of fitness.

I've got issues with Juniper's parents being against her sexuality, since we've made a very long list of sexuality elements in this profile. It can be summarised that Juniper, who lives in a notably conservative state, has two bigoted gay parents who have been using each other as beards for over a decade, whilst also having very liberal grandparents, whilts also being bisexual but heteromantic. Individually these are all fine, but when you put them all in one place it starts to strain believability. I think it would really benefit Juniper if you took a look at that summary and trimmed some of the elements, just so it doesn't stick out so much.

Finally, I suspect that Juniper's issues with depression could factor in as a disadvantage, even if it's in a manageable state. Being prone to emotional states like that could easily flare up in a high stress situation like SOTF, after all.

Post here again when you've had another look, and we'll see how she's doing.
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