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Andrew Hapkins; I hope there's still hope.
Topic Started: Dec 24 2015, 04:06 PM (462 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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Howdy howdy. You already know me but I'll give you a formal introduction anyway: I'm MK Kilmarnock, and I'll be the staffer attending to Andrew Hapkins' profile today.

Short answer: Andrew is denied and needs some edits made before he'll be approved. The changes will be outlined below but before we get to them, a quick notes since this is your first go: Make all required changes by editing the original post of the thread (aka the profile itself), do not copy-paste the profile into a reply. Do not reply to this thread until all changes asked of you have been made or addressed. If, in your reply, you'd like to add a changelog detailing your work, that is okay. Alright, let's begin!

Appearance:

Andrew is pretty tall for his age, at 6,30 feet. That is a strange (and incorrect) way to denote height. You could write this as 6'3" or six feet three inches.

He's body shape is slim, but not athletic due to not having much physical activity. First problem: "He's" is a contraction of 'he is' and doesn't make sense here. You meant 'His body shape is slim'. Also, I find it hard to believe that somebody won't be at least a little athletic when sailing and swimming are included in their interests. Both of those activities are quite physical and require you to be in shape. Yes, even sailing, depending on the vessel.

Andrew's face is of fairly average appearance, grey-blue eyes, full lips, big nose and a few complexion problems. We here at SotF believe there's no such thing as average appearance. Andrew has grey-blue eyes, full lips, a big nose and some complexion problems but we want more detail. Thin face? Chubby? Round, rectangular, oval? What are these complexion problems? Does he suffer from acne typical of most teenagers or another, more serious skin condition?

He's pale His teeth aren't in perfect shape, because he never wanted to wear braces. This seems like a sentence fragment. "He's pale" looks like it should be his own sentence and, even if it was, it's unacceptable in how terse it is. His teeth may be crooked but why didn't his parents make him wear braces anyway?

In the summer he also wears jeans cut to knee lenght and T-shirts with punny overprints. Length. It's understandable for Andrew to not care about fashion, but you only mention jeans and hoodies. Does he commonly wear a hat or maybe a watch? Does he at least wear shoes, because that wasn't mentioned either.

Biography:

Andrew was born on February 6th 1998 in Chicago to Charlie Hapkins, a house painter and Susan Hapkins, an accountant. This is a nitpick, but I'm a fan of the Oxford comma. A comma should be going between the words 'painter' and 'and'. Standard date procedure dictates a comma after '6th', as well.

He had a younger sister Mary, 2 years younger than him. As long as Mary is still alive, this sentence should be in present tense. Also write out numbers that are in-paragraph like this one - 'two years younger'.

Their names where Sticks and Stones and he and his sister used to play with them everytime their parents where busy working. Were. Every time. Were.

What he did have problem with was his forgetfulness and tendency to space out. Two ways to fix this one: "What he did have a problem with was..." or "What he did have problems with were..."

Unfortunately, girls weren't interested by Andrew, so his sensitive little soul got hurt quite frequently in this period Another strange passage. 'Sensitive little soul' is a bit of a tonal issue. You can be as colorful as you want in posts but dry up the profile a little bit. Andrew got his feelings hurt frequently, we get that, so express it to us the same way a terrorist writing an official dossier would.

He didn't like and for the first two years he just tried to make contact with the rest of the year I don't know what you're saying here. This sentence seems very incomplete.

I have some broader issues with the biography as well that I have to add here at the bottom. First, Andrew was born in Chicago but there is no mention of him and his family moving to Kingman, Arizona. At what stage in Andrew's life was the big change made?

Andrew's hobbies are all included in the profile (with one exception) which is great, but only loosely so. As an avid fan of RPGs myself, I'm wondering if you meant that he plays tabletop RPGs with his friends (Dungeons and Dragons, Pathfinder, Call of Cthulhu, Warhammer 40K) or video game RPGs. Flesh this out for me, please. Also 'webcomics' is not mentioned anywhere in Andrew's profile, so if it really isn't that important to him even if he enjoys them occasionally, it doesn't need to be listed as a hobby or interest. Why did Andrew start swimming in elementary school? Was he part of a junior swim team? How old was he when he started swimming? Is he any good? Has he won any awards? Does he swim for a non-scholastic organization? You mention his father took Andrew sailing when he was twelve (change the numeral to the word in the profile, by the way). Do they continue to sail often? Where do they sail? Is Andrew still in Chicago by this point, sailing on Lake Michigan, or are they all in Kingman? If they're in Kingman (as they should be currently), where do they sail? Finally, what kinds of books does Andrew like to read most commonly? Is he really into fantasy novels, or sci-fi, or mystery? These hobbies are all traces of the character that can be fleshed out to make him feel more like a real-live person.

Has Andrew's general laziness affected him in ways outside of his schooling? He's an 'average' student but what sort of grades does he get? Do any classes interest him enough for him to excel? Speaking of classes and books, how does spending nights reading make him 'unfocused'? Now that Andrew's a bit older and out of elementary school, has he had any more luck in trying to get girls to notice him? Does he have any strong feelings in this endeavor or has he given up?


Advantages/Disadvantages:

Advantages: His creativity and intelligence would prove useful in crisic situations when supplies are scarce. This is way, way too vague an advantage. He has quite the imagination but there is presented no clear way for him to be able to apply it. Also it's 'critical' if you're describing a situation as a 'crisis'. Crisic is not a word. His ability to swim, while not unique would prove useful on some occasions. His sailing abilities might also be useful on some specific occasions. Possibly to the swimming, highly doubtful that sailing abilities could be considered an advantage when there is no real way for the students to obtain watercraft. It's like having 'great driver' as an advantage when, in recent version, any access to motor vehicles has been prohibited. Due to regular swimming training he also has slightly higher-than-average stamina. This is a good advantage but it does contrast with Andrew's 'non-athletic' body type which I noted earlier. Swimmers have great bodies to match their stamina.

Disadvantages: In crisic situations See above he may have problems maintaining relationships. He's a bad liar and he doesn't handle stress well. He's forgetful and unfocused and it would only get worse during crisic situations. My general thoughts towards these disadvantages are that they're a bit insubstantial. This is the first we've heard of Andrew being a bad liar, or being the type of individual who doesn't take stress well (and to be honest, what high school teenager really does?). What in particular is it about him that would give him problems in maintaining relationships? If you're going for the kind of advantage where Andrew panics in dangerous situations, describe it better and allude to it somewhere in his biography (perhaps a swimming or sailing incident that almost went terribly wrong).

Alright, so maybe there's a lot of work to be done before Andrew's in tip-top shape, but you CAN get there. Make those edits and get back to me and we'll see what needs to be done next.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Kinda sorta. Andrew's still denied because of the following:

"Andrew is pretty tall for his age, at 6'30" feet" - we went over this. 6'3" is how you write it, unless he's actually six feet and THIRTY inches tall (at which point he'd be eight and a half feet tall). Also because 6'3" means 'six feet and three inches', saying 6'3" feet is redundant.

He's body shape is slim - You didn't change this. It's 'his body shape is slim'.

'so he wears braces at night.' - Braces are pretty permanent from my understanding. You get them and wear them 24/7 for a long while. Maybe you meant that he wears a retainer at night?

everytime their parents where busy working. - Oooh, so close. You missed correcting that 'where' to 'were'.

In elementary school Andrew was a pretty good student. He was an intelligent child so he had no problem with learning. He remembered what the teacher was talking about in the class and that made up for most of the learning. What is it making up for? You just said that he was intelligent and had no problems with learning, so there's nothing to make up for.
What he did have a problem with was his forgetfulness and tendency to space out. Can't remember it if you're too spaced out to hear it in the first place.
He convinced some of his friends to try roleplaying. They did and they liked it They played mostly D&D, the system his older friend introduced him to. So which happened first, did he convince his friends to try it or did his older friend get him to play it? Most people don't pick up tabletop games on a whim, somebody has to introduce them to RPGs and stuff like that. How did Andrew get invested?
Later they tried many other RPGs but they kept playing D&D with short brakes breaks
for other ones. When he was 10 his parents signed him for a swimming course, which Andy liked. He wasn't very good at it, but for years of practice made him much, much better. "He wasn't good at it at first, but four years of practice made him much, much better." Is... that what you meant? As an aside, is this a swimming course with the school or is it with a summer camp? I assume it isn't with the school because Andrew doesn't join swim team until later but I would like to know more.
The rest of the class considered him a nice if somewhat weird person. Why would they consider him weird? He seems really normal for the most part. Explain.

In the beginning of Andy's education in Cochise there wasn't much happening for him. He played RPGs with some friends. Same group of friends? How large is this group or how many friends does Andy have? He joined the book club because he just liked books mostly. And it was a good occasion to get some new ideas what to read because at this point he had already ran out of Terry Pratchett. Combine those last two sentences please. Andy also joined the swim team. It seemed as a logical course of action, as he was a fairly competent swimmer at this point. He didn't have much problem socializing. People that didn't consider him okay 'okay'? considered him being either nerd, or weirdo, or both. He didn't like it but he acted like he didn't care. He did care, though. He cared what people he barely known thought or said about him. It made him a little disappointed with himself. He As for now, he is on good terms with most of his class. Weird sentence structure there. I think you forgot to take out that first 'He'.

Advantages and disadvantages are fine.

Get to work on those and let me know when you're done. Also before you submit this again I highly suggest reading the profile aloud to make sure the sentence structure is natural. Reading your own writing aloud is one of the best ways to catch simple grammatical errors like like repeating words accidentally, accidentally transposing a word that if doesn't belong, or even catching homophones and other nasty little word switches hear and there.

See what I did there? Anyway, let me know when Andrew is done and I'll take another look.


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