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Kealani "Lani" Salder; It’s easier being like the rest of them
Topic Started: Dec 23 2015, 04:57 PM (250 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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Hey, CoreyImperia, and welcome to SotF. I'll be your guide through the wonderful land of character registration.

Kealani is currently denied pending some edits. You're in better shape than most newbies, though.

Introduction information:

We don't need bracketed information. You can write 'Age: Sixteen' or 'Age: 16' but try to avoid doing both. We know what you're trying to say. Same goes for 'Grade: Junior [11th]'.


Appearance:

Some mods have their own preferences but let me just start by saying that 'less is more'. There's really no reason for an appearance section to be quite so long, but I appreciate your thoroughness and attention to detail. Just try and cut the flowery language next time.

For instance, why is she 'staggering' at a weight of 144 pounds? That's not a staggering weight by any measure. She's nice and fit for a girl of her height and general body shape.



Biography: One of my biggest pet peeves is spending too much time on parents, cousins, uncles, siblings, or anybody who is NOT the subject in question (in this case, Lani). The few paragraphs you spend telling us about Aisi and Flannery really could stand to be shortened.

"Aisi took so much pride in him; this hurt Kealani at times..." < So here's a weird one. Sentence has got a weird subject. Remember that a semicolon separates two clauses that could stand as sentences on their own. While the second part of the sentence passes this test, the sentence of 'Aisi took so much pride in him' comes across as strange because of that modifier 'so'. I'm nitpicking, but either remove or replace the semicolon with the word 'that'.

The rest of it either looks really good or my nitpicking censors wore out. You're in pretty good shape so... yeah, just clean that up a bit and we'll take another look.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5

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