Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Emma Luz; The Luz that snoozes.
Topic Started: Nov 12 2015, 02:14 PM (816 Views)
VoltTurtle
Member Avatar
The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey Kami! Huge apologies for how long this critique took. It took a really long while for Emma to actually get claimed in the staff lounge and due to the length of Emma's profile it took me much longer than normal to finish the critique. That being said, it should take barely any time at all for me to get back to you after the edits are made; it's the least I can do.

So as that last sentence implied, Emma has unfortunately been DENIED pending edits.

The biggest issues that Emma's profile overall had were grammar issues (comma splices, sentence fragments, and stunted non-flowing sentences were common) and the large amount of unnecessary information (fluff) contained within. A good portion of the information that you presented in the profile fell firmly into the "nice but unnecessary" category. Fluff is good for details and little quirks of the characters and is fine for IC posts, but profiles are generally supposed to operate in broad strokes, so fluff often creates padding that makes the profile a chore to read for people who just want to get the basic gist of who your character actually is. Throughout most of this critique I might ask you to simply delete something with no explanation given, and this is meant to be the explanation for all of that!

Now, let's get into it. My comments are in teal.

Quote:
 
high ponytail, with a


Remove this comma, please.

Quote:
 
wear make-up when


"makeup"

Quote:
 
wearing glasses since elementary


Add school onto elementary, as elementary is an adjective, not a noun.

Quote:
 
current pair have red cat's eye frames


Despite being described as a pair of glasses, the glasses are still considered to be one entity for the purposes of pluralization, so change this "have" to "has" to fix this.

Quote:
 
pierced, though she prefers smaller studs


There's nothing being compared here, so though is an improper transition word. Instead, say "Both of her ears are pierced, and she prefers to wear small stud earrings."

Quote:
 
Weight gain is a common effect of her condition.


This sentence is unnecessary and just makes a reader ask "what condition?" Go ahead and remove it.

Quote:
 
While Emma has tried to keep it down through


Since I'm asking you to remove the last sentence, go ahead and change "it" to "her weight" for context.

Quote:
 
her appearance. While she's


Change "her appearance. While she's" to "her appearance, and while she's."

Quote:
 
name, condition, and


So I know her condition is elaborated later on in the profile, but since you mention "her condition" so frequently before it's introduced, please specifically say "her condition of narcolepsy with cataplexy" just to make sure the reader knows what the condition actually is rather than be left wondering.

Quote:
 
school colors. However, she


Change this from "school colors. However, she" to "school colors, however, she" because that period seriously breaks up flow.

Quote:
 
black fitness device is


I think you meant "fitness tracker" specifically.

Quote:
 
nearby the main farmhouse


Why does he have a farmhouse? You just introduced him as a mechanic but didn't introduce anything involving farming.

Quote:
 
began a small village


A village is anywhere from a hundred to a couple thousand people. I doubt that Gregory had enough money to purchase enough land to support a hundred people, minimum. I think the word you were looking for here instead of village was neighborhood.

Quote:
 
back-up generator. They


Change "For example, they tend to keep non-perishables stored inside the house, and invested in a portable back-up generator. They also own a chicken coop and have their own vegetable garden." to "For example, they tend to keep non-perishables stored inside the house, invested in a portable backup generator, own a chicken coop, and have their own vegetable garden."

Quote:
 
copy of Bill Nye the Science Guy


Change "copy of Bill Nye the Science Guy" to "video of Bill Nye the Science Guy" because the way it's worded now you could take that to mean the teacher pulled out an actual copy of Bill Nye.

Quote:
 
sleep. Also, she


Delete the "Also," here.

Quote:
 
energized enough. Her parents


Change "energized enough. Her parents" to "energized enough, so her parents" to improve flow.

Quote:
 
camping trips growing


Add "while she was" in between "camping trips" and "growing up" since the sentence as is says that Emma's parents organized camping trips as they were growing up, and I know that's not your intention.

Quote:
 
about camping. For example


Change "about camping. For example" to "about camping, for example" to improve flow.

Quote:
 
Emma also started becoming interested in first aid


Why did she start becoming interested in first aid?

Quote:
 
Her parents gave her a children's book that explained basic first aid. They had hoped that it would help if she knew first aid.


You end your sentences with "first aid" three times in a row here, and the repetition comes off as jarring. These sentences need a full restructuring, I would suggest "Her parents saw her interest and gave her a children's book that explained basic first aid, as they thought that teaching it to their child could potentially be helpful in the event of an emergency."

Quote:
 
She took it everywhere, and often showed her classmates pictures from it.


Why did she do this?

Quote:
 
While the idea of having to save someone who was hurt horrified her, she liked knowing how to save them


Why does having to save someone who was hurt horrify her? Why does she want to know how to save them?

Quote:
 
Emma has always wanted to get a medical profession


The tense in this sentence does not mesh with the rest of the paragraph, and "medical profession" is used incorrectly. Additionally, "always" seems to be disingenuous, given how you're explaining how she came to want the profession. Instead, you should say "due to this burgeoning interest, Emma wanted to become a medical professional later in life." to fix this and have it gel with the rest of the paragraph. After you fix that, I also have to ask again... why? You establish that she's interested in the human body and helping people, but you need to explain that.

Quote:
 
She had always wanted to learn because of her.


This sentence is unnecessary since it's evident from the sentence before that Emma wanted to learn because of her mother.

Quote:
 
throughout elementary


"elementary school"

Quote:
 
with her school


To go along with the previous edit, delete this.

Quote:
 
her own keyboard for her to take to practice anywhere


Handheld keyboards/carry around keyboards are too small to play most songs, and larger keyboards are too impractical to take around everywhere. Minor issue, but I would suggest changing this to "her own personal keyboard to practice with in her room" to fix this.

Quote:
 
Around this time, Emma's parents also enrolled her in piano classes, which she adored. Lucia had played piano at home, and Emma loved learning how to play the piano like her. She had always wanted to learn because of her. Emma did a fair amount of recitals throughout elementary with her school. She was also involved with her school orchestra. On her tenth birthday she received her own keyboard for her to take to practice anywhere. It has remained one of her prized possessions. Aside from traditional classical arrangements. Emma likes to learn how to play recent pop songs on the piano, and enjoys playing them when she has the chance. Some of the songs she has learned how to play include Mystery Skulls' "Ghost", Coldplay's "Yellow", the Star Wars theme, and, most recently, Taylor Swift's "Style". She learns how to play new songs either with sheet music, or by being taught by others.


Is there anything in particular she enjoyed about playing the piano? You say she liked it, but not really why so.

Quote:
 
Previously, she would have trouble seeing things from a distance.


This sentence is unnecessary, please delete.

Quote:
 
and embarrassing, she got


"embarrassing, but she got used to them"

Quote:
 
she has not considered laser eye surgery too much.


Get rid of "too much" and instead say "even though she could get it" as I assume her parents would have the money for it if you're making the effort to mention it.

Quote:
 
school events fun. But, as she


"events fun, but as"

Quote:
 
Her elementary had


"Her elementary school had"

Quote:
 
council system. Starting from


"council system, and starting from"

Quote:
 
participated in


Minor, but "participated directly in" to go along with the sentence that follows.

Quote:
 
events. Sometimes she would work at a game booth, while other times


"events, sometimes working at the game booth, while other times"

Quote:
 
only to fall to


Minor, but: "to suddenly fall"

Quote:
 
Shortly after, the staff called


Also minor, but: "school staff"

Quote:
 
scheduled an emergency's doctor's


Typo: "emergency"

Quote:
 
The doctor, who was different from the one Emma had gone to for her night terrors before, did an examination. He asked her about her collapse, and if she was experiencing any other symptoms. She told him about the drowsiness. With a bit of prodding, she also told him about the nightmares she was having.


This is mostly unnecessary and has a he-said-she-said/storytelling structure, which is inappropriate for a profile. Please delete.

Quote:
 
Towards the end of the appointment, he said that


To go along with the previous change, change this to "After hearing about Emma's symptoms, the doctor said that"

Quote:
 
months, Emma visited the


"Emma regularly visited"

Quote:
 
Over the course of two months, Emma visited the clinic. One evaluation was that she had to sleep in a room with a camera inside the clinic, so that they could see how she slept at night. Another was that she had to fill out a questionnaire on when she felt the most drowsy and in what situations. She also had to get a spinal tap, which for her was among the most unpleasant parts of the whole experience. During this period, she tried to keep her hopes up, that no matter what the outcome she was going to receive help. Though, she felt a little isolated from her friends and family. With her evaluations she was often unable to attend outings or just visit them. This was only increased by the symptoms themselves.


This entire paragraph (minus the first sentence) is unnecessary story telling/fluff and doesn't add anything to Emma's character. Go ahead and combine the first sentence of this paragraph (with an additional "and while there took various tests" onto the end) with the following paragraph and delete the rest.

Quote:
 
Hypocretin, she explained, was a neurotransmitter associated with sleep and metabolism.


No need for this sentence. Anyone who wants to know what it is can look it up.

Quote:
 
When she was diagnosed, she asked her doctor questions about it, as well as researched it online. Emma found out that her body couldn't tell when it was supposed to be asleep. The reason why was because of the low amount of hypocretin. As a result, it made her drowsy during the day. In addition, while most people enter REM sleep after 90 minutes, she entered it much faster. Some people with the disorder do suffer from dream-like hallucinations when drowsy. However, this hasn't been a significant issue with Emma. She has hallucinated during sleep paralysis episodes, but never outside of them.


Like before, this is fluffy and tenuous information at best, please delete.

Quote:
 
healthy. The reason why was because her doctor


"healthy, because her doctor"

Quote:
 
Because of her living with


"because she lives with"

Quote:
 
She experiences a dry mouth and the occasional headache from it. But, it has helped better than Adderall. It was also cheaper, especially with her insurance plan. She has considered switching to Modafinil, another stimulant that is prescribed for narcolepsy. However, she is still unsure about it.


Unnecessary, please delete.

Quote:
 
cataplectic epsode at


Typo: "episode"

Quote:
 
Medical identification bracelets are sometimes recommended for people with narcolepsy and other conditions. The reason why is because if someone has an emergency they can get assistance quickly.


Go ahead and delete this section because it's needless explanation and add "in case she had an emergency" onto the previous sentence before these two.

Quote:
 
diagnosis. However


Comma instead of a period.

Quote:
 
Luckily, the fitness club was hosting self-defense courses that summer.


Unnecessary information, delete.

Quote:
 
ways to posture herself to


Incorrect use of the word. "Position" would be better.

Quote:
 
The instructors at her courses know about her condition due to Emma telling them about it. As a result, they try to accommodate for her as much as they can. Sabrina hasn't been as involved as Emma in self-defense, due to being too busy with her own activities.


Unnecessary information, please delete.

Quote:
 
This was done by her doctor providing a medical note to the school about her condition. Afterwards, an IEP meeting was arranged between her teachers and her parents. They came to an agreement about what could be done to help her on campus. For example, Emma is allowed a safe place on campus where she can lay down if she feels she needs to. She is also allowed to take extra time on tests, and to have excused absences. Some of the teachers have also allowed her to eat small snacks in class to keep herself awake, as long as she's quiet.


All of this is unnecessary explanation. Emma's condition is obviously real and a school would be required to accommodate her. Please delete.

Quote:
 
When she does go, the staff recommends that she stays near a classmate, teacher, or a group, and that she asks for help when she needs it.


Same as before, delete.

Quote:
 
being one, though. Parkinson


"a tutor herself" instead of "one"

Quote:
 
She has also always


"Emma has" -As when you start a new paragraph, you need to reintroduce the proper nouns.

Quote:
 
prepper background. She likes


"background, as she"

Quote:
 
about viruses. But, she


"viruses, but"

Quote:
 
She likes checking out books from the school library for her to read at home.


We don't really need to know where she gets the books, delete.

Quote:
 
much as she could


"can" instead of "could"

Quote:
 
She tries to get herself involved in other's personal lives, and helping them out with any issues. Emma tries not to interfere with others' issues if they don't want her to. But, she likes helping people with their problems.


I think these sentences would be better off structured like "Emma tries to get herself involved in other's personal lives and help them with any issues, but she tries not to interfere if they don't want her to."

Quote:
 
She has had to leave school events early on occasion, which has lead her to feel some degree of isolation. But, Emma has developed a sense of humor about her health problems. For example, she has cracked jokes about people having to wake her up for her to do things.


These sentences have barely anything to do with the overall paragraph. Delete them or move them.

Quote:
 
Generally, she comes


To go along with the previous edit, change this she to "Emma" to make this sentence sound better.

Quote:
 
She has a bit of an ambitious streak


Mentioned before- start paragraphs off with Emma rather than she.

Quote:
 
capable of the job


"of doing the"

Quote:
 
She had missed one because of a doctor's appointment, and sent in a email ahead of time. One of the things she has said she would do as President would be to increase support for the educational field trips. This is due to her feeling like they need more attention and support. Another thing she would like to do is encouraging more opportunities for peer tutoring. However, she's been paying close attention to what her classmates' concerns are.


Unnecessary, please delete.



Quote:
 
her illness might effect her


Wrong word, "affect" is what you meant.

Quote:
 
three-inch folding pocketknife.


"pocket knife"

Quote:
 
the symptoms. But they


"the symptoms, but they"

Quote:
 
To some extent, they can be casually homophobic. While they aren't malicious about it, they show ignorance towards gender and sexuality issues. They have used slurs before, but the reason why is less out of hatred and more out of lack of knowledge of LGBT issues.


Why is this important? Is Emma herself LGBT? Does Emma have LGBT friends? If yes to either of those, has this affected her relationship with her parents? If no to both of those, delete this portion.

Additionally, if yes rather than no, due to the length of this paragraph, insert a paragraph break back up at "they can used it instead. She's close to" after the period and change "she's" to "Emma is" to avoid the problem I have mentioned a few times earlier.

Quote:
 
Because they both are good at school, she occasionally feels some envy when it comes to her success. While she would make no attempt to sabotage any success she has, she does compare herself to her at times. Since her diagnosis, Sabrina has been somewhat concerned for her. She has been taking tasks that she feels would be too dangerous for Emma. For example, she insists on driving when it's the two of them, out of fear that she could get into an accident. Emma is fond of her sister, however, and is supportive of her. Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.


Due to the sheer abundance of "she's" in this paragraph, I'm having trouble telling who you're talking about. For clarity's sake, use "she" pretty much exclusively for Emma and then just use Sabrina's name for Sabrina herself and we'll work from there (with the exception of the first sentence of the paragraph, which I omitted, that sentence is fine).

Quote:
 
Her family is involved with other preppers in the community. While her parents do distrust higher government, they don't believe in conspiracy theories. Rather, they feel that relying solely on the government is foolish due to human error. They also feel that some of the decisions made by officials have been incompetent. For example, Lucia was frustrated with how the Bridges Administration handled terrorism. As a result, she votes for candidates partly on their plan of action for future incidents. They have encountered other preppers that do believe in conspiracy theories, though. Emma doesn't believe in any conspiracies herself, and is often skeptical. Whenever she sees someone mention one, she tends to pull up Snopes or other websites to disprove it. She tries to be polite when she does, but her stubbornness can get the better of her. Emma tends to get annoyed if a theory is scientifically implausible, due to her love of medicine. Emma made a Powerpoint in Health in 10th grade to explain why getting vaccinated is important. During this same Powerpoint, she talked about how dangerous the anti-vaccination movement is. One of Emma's biggest pet-peeves is misinformation. She tends to get irritated when someone gets facts wrong and spreads them around to others. The reason why is because she places a high value on knowledge. Thus, incorrect information tends to upset her if it's something many people believe.


This paragraph doesn't really serve a purpose other than telling us that Emma doesn't like misinformation. While that's a nice detail, it's not something that needs an entire large paragraph in a profile. Delete.

Quote:
 
has more knowledge about first aid


add "compared to the other survival skills"

Quote:
 
However, unlike some other preppers, she understands little about guns. Lucia had offered to have her come with her to Kingman's indoor shooting range earlier in the year. It was a controlled and safe setting, and Lucia was willing to help with any issues she may have had. But, Emma was hesitant about the idea and the idea hasn't come up since.


The fact that she DOESN'T know how to use a gun isn't something that needs to be mentioned, even with her background.

Quote:
 
On a side note,


Inappropriate tone for a profile, delete this phrase and replace it with "Despite knowing self defense techniques,"

Quote:
 
As an example, in junior year she had to do an assignment based around recent events in Social Studies. Her subject was SOTF and the search for the people responsible. While she never saw any actual footage, the accounts were enough to make her uneasy. She had been shaking when presenting her assignment.


No example necessary, please delete.

Quote:
 
Emma believes that the only context where violence would be at all moral would be in self defense. Even then, it would be a last resort.


You already said she's okay with violence in self defense, so this sentence is unneeded, please delete.

Quote:
 
Because she lives nearby her close relatives, some of her cousins also go to Cochise, and are around her age. Emma's relationship with them tends to vary, but for the most part she tries to be friendly towards them. In a sense, she even feels a degree of loyalty to them, as if they were her siblings. They tend to vary in personalities, but Emma tries to reach an understanding with them. Generally, Emma puts a high value on the idea of family.


This paragraph doesn't actually add anything to Emma's character, please delete.

Quote:
 
condition, as well. For


"condition, for"

Quote:
 
drive. The reason why is because


"drive, because"

Quote:
 
The worst that has happened while driving is that she was 30 minutes late to meeting with friends. The reason why was because of a microsleep that lead her to take the wrong road by accident.


Example not needed, please delete.

Quote:
 
condition itself


"itself" in this case is an unnecessary word, please delete.

Quote:
 
still effects her


Wrong form of the word, "affects" is what you meant.

Quote:
 
time, it has


Say "the exhaustion" instead of "it" here.

Quote:
 
since the party in Freshman


"the party" adds clutter to this sentence, please delete.

Quote:
 
problems. But


"problems, but she"

Quote:
 
People have asked her questions about her disorder before. Emma usually answers them


"When people ask her questions about her disorder, Emma usually answers them"

Quote:
 
Her parents have always told her how important it was to be a part of the community. Emma herself has taken this to heart


"part of the community, and Emma has"

Quote:
 
easier time dealing with injuries.


Add "than most people" onto "injuries" here.

Quote:
 
back down that easy


"easily" instead of "that easy"

Quote:
 
Her prepper background has given her knowledge that could prove useful throughout the game.


You need to specifically mention what knowledge she has (such as basic self defense techniques and camping knowledge) rather than just vaguely say knowledge, even if we already know what that knowledge probably is.

Quote:
 
Emma can be a bit cautious, and would try to avoid dangerous situations.


I wouldn't really say this is all that notable of an advantage. It's normal to avoid dangerous situations, it's abnormal to not try to avoid dangerous situations.

Quote:
 
can effect her


Wrong form of the word, "affect" is what you meant.

Quote:
 
ability in


"ability to perform in"

Quote:
 
stubborn and opinionated


Stubborn and opinionated and that would..? I think I know what you're going for here, but you need to explicitly say "and that could lead to fights" or "and that could lead to alienating allies" or something to that effect.

Quote:
 
Emma has been experiencing some mild depression during the school year.


Given that her being depressed has only gotten a very minor mention in the profile and due to the mildness likely wouldn't affect her in game, please remove this.

Quote:
 
Her tendency to be cautious might cause her to react on initial impressions.


I'm not actually sure how being cautious would lead into this or how this would actually affect her in game. Please delete.

Quote:
 
Emma values her family and her community, which could make the game more stressful for her.


Most people care about their family and community. Unless Emma cares so deeply about her family that it would cause her to undergo serious amounts of stress, this isn't something to be mentioned. Adjust/delete.



And with that, that's it. It's a lot of editing for a long profile, but I'm sure you'll be fine. Post back here when you have the edits made and I'll come back to help you in round two. :)
Turtle's Signature
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
VoltTurtle
Member Avatar
The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Emma is looking way better! However, there are a few things I missed the first time around and a few minor changes I want you to make besides things I just straight up missed. Most of the issues are grammar rather than content, though, so it's a quick fix!

Quote:
 
Starting from first grade, she started having night terrors

Change this to "Emma started having night terrors around the time of first grade." or something similar.

Quote:
 
He asked if Emma had stress, and recommended

Delete this small portion and change the "she" after "that" to "Emma".

Quote:
 
Emma's night terrors lessened

"lessened over time"

Quote:
 
until it had

Incorrect pluralization, "they" rather than "it".

Quote:
 
On some days her sleepiness was worse, while other times it had improved.

Go ahead and delete this sentence.

Quote:
 
Her burgeoning interest in first aid and the human body lead her to want to become a doctor. Emma feels she wants to be a doctor because she wants to help people with their health problems.

These two sentences should be combined to something to the effect of "Her burgeoning interest in first aid, the human body, and wanting to help people with their health problems lead her to want to become a doctor."

Quote:
 
Over the course of two months, Emma regularly visited the clinic, where she underwent various tests. One day, the clinic called her house, saying that they had the results back and wanted to talk to her. During the appointment her sleep specialist said that there was a low amount of hypocretin inside her spinal fluid. Emma's final diagnosis was narcolepsy with cataplexy.

Combine this paragraph with the previous paragraph, while I'm thinking about it.

Quote:
 
At first Emma was hesitant to talk about her condition. While it wasn't a secret that she had health problems, she didn't want to talk about it. She started talking about it more often after she had a second cataplectic episode at a party that April. Once again, she had fallen to the ground after laughing at a joke. This had people concerned for her. While Emma stayed at the party afterwards, she still felt embarrassed about it. From that point on Emma made it a point to talk more often about her condition. She later invested in a medical identification bracelet. She had found a website which made customized ones that look stylish and inconspicuous. Emma still wears hers regularly so if she ever falls asleep or has cataplexy in public she can get help.

Now that I think about it, this information is a tad bit unnecessary for a profile. It's nice information, mind, but the only important thing in this paragraph is the reason why she has a medical identification bracelet, which is self evident (since she can randomly pass out sometimes, and that is is important for people to know).

Quote:
 
Emma has a bit of an ambitious streak, as well.

Just realized that this "as well" just sounds awkward due to coming after a paragraph break. Go ahead and delete it.

Quote:
 
Her ambition has lead to her feeling some degree of depression

Missed this one! "Emma's" because of the paragraph break. You can change the following "Emma" to her as well.

Quote:
 
As for her sister, Sabrina, Emma does feel a sense of competitiveness towards her. Because they both are good at school, Emma occasionally feels some envy when it comes to her success. While she would make no attempt to sabotage any success she has, she does compare herself to Sabrina at times. Since her diagnosis, Sabrina has been somewhat concerned for Emma. Sabrina has been taking tasks that she feels would be too dangerous for her. For example, Sabrina insists on driving when it's the two of them, out of fear that she could get into an accident. Emma is fond of her sister, however, and is supportive of her. Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.

This paragraph is MUCH less confusing to read. Good job! Now to tweak it.

Quote:
 
for her sister

Emma's.

Quote:
 
Emma does feel a sense

To go along with the previous edit, she.

Quote:
 
comes to her success

Sabrina's.

Quote:
 
fear that she could get

Emma.

Quote:
 
Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.

Nice but unnecessary information. Delete, please.

Quote:
 
back down that easily

Delete this "that" since it sounds awkward.

Quote:
 
Emma is a cautious person

Change this to "is an inherently cautious person" to go along with the paragraph you included earlier. Sorta a personal gripe but it really flows well and connects back to the paragraph I just mentioned.


And that's it! As a fair warning, this might get kicked out due to final apps starting soon, but if it does just submit back with edits made and I or another staffer will approve it or iron out the last few details! :)
Turtle's Signature
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
VoltTurtle
Member Avatar
The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Sorry about the delay! Adjusting back to school hit me pretty hard. I gave the profile another once over and you seem to be fine so: APPROVED.
Turtle's Signature
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
« Previous Topic · Approved Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic