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Walt Esiason; The Return
Topic Started: Oct 22 2015, 04:50 PM (208 Views)
VoltTurtle
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The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey Unpy! Sorry for the huge delay here. It took a while for Walt to get claimed staffside, but now I'm here to help!

Unfortunately, Walt is DENIED pending adjustments. My comments are in teal.

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"It's Not Showing Off" on the front and "If You Back It Up"

Heh. No problem, just thought this was funny.

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Since Walt was doing this since he was born, it felt normal for him to have to stay with his grandparents all the time.

Did Walt ever want to know his mother/did her death impact him in any way? You mention that later on in life he wanted to know who his mother was, and that's okay, but did Walt ever wonder who his mother was before then? While it may have been normal for him to be raised by his grandparents and it may not bother him, certainly seeing other kids with their mothers or seeing mothers with their children on television would make Walt wonder where his mother was/who she was? It's fine if he didn't, just make sure to justify it in some way (ex asking his dad about it, seeing him get upset, and then not asking again after that).

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proper food. This lead

Go ahead and delete ". This" and change "lead" to "leading" and add a comma after food for better flow.

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This continued until he got to middle school, and was considered mature enough to take care of himself at the house. During this time, both Walt and Abe developed poor diets, consisting of mostly microwave dinners and fatty foods due to Abe being too tired to cook proper food. This lead to them becoming overweight and unhealthy.

I'm a bit confused on the chronological order of things here. Did Walt become overweight while he was still living with his grandparents most of the time? Or did he become overweight come middle school when he started living with his dad full time? The way this paragraph is structured suggests the latter while later paragraphs suggest the former. Both possibilities create issues regardless, so please clarify and I will come back to you on what to do next regarding this. (Sorry to send you to a second round automatically!)

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interest to himself, and had barely

Change this "and" to "as he" for better flow here, since you seem to be setting up a causal relationship.

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some real progress, and got

Delete this comma.

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Finally, Walt had managed to lose all his weight, and was beginning to look more like how he wanted to.

Did Walt's diet improve at all? Getting more exercise helps with losing weight, but no amount of exercise can fix weight gained from a poor diet if that poor diet doesn't improve. For an easy fix, you could change this sentence to "Finally, through his new found exercise and his dad improving their diet in an effort to live healthier, Walt had managed..."

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were stronger then he

Typo, than.

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He also occasionally indulges in backyard wrestling, committing to a character inspired by his favorites.

What about backyard wrestling made Walt interested in participating in it? Did his father approve? Did Walt ever get hurt doing this? If yes, did the injuries ever affect his basketball playing?

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In fact, Walt's English teachers convinced him to explore his literary skills

What initially made Walt's English teachers encourage him to explore writing as a hobby?

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His stories range being personal and minimalistic to grand and mythical, but it really just depends on how he's feeling that.

I'm assuming the "that" was a typo. If it was, then restructure everything from "but" on to "with what he writes depending on how he's feeling" to remove ambiguity in the sentence and to create better flow.


So, overall, the content that you have is good. The main issue the profile has is a lack of content, mainly relating to there being too few hobbies and interests/too little on the hobbies and interests that are there for how few hobbies/interests there are. Don't worry about that this time around, though, I'll elaborate more once I get your answer re: the chronological order of things. Post here when you get the edits made and I'll help you in another round. :)
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VoltTurtle
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The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
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