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Serena Williams
Topic Started: Oct 12 2015, 02:08 AM (312 Views)
Deamon
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Hey Seth, Serena is looking good but is Denied pending some edits.

First off Serena Williams is the name of the best woman's tennis player that's ever lived. So unfortunately you're going to have to change it since it's the name of a celebrity.

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Serena is rather short for her age, standing at 5'6"
At this height Serena would actually be two inches above the average for female height in America. So you'll want to either take this statement out or change her height to make her actually be small for her age.

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She has a petite figure, normally standing straight with her hands behind her back, since as it's a position she's comfortable in..
You don't need to have two comma's here because the part you have in between the comma's is essential to how the sentence is read.

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On the day of the abduction, she opted for her more relaxed clothing; wearing a pink T-shirt with a picture of a panda slapping another panda


We also need Serena's race/skin colour as that is currently absent from the profile.

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Both of her parents are devout Mormons, having both met each other while on mission in Nicaragua.
You don't to have both in this sentence twice.

How did Serena feel about being home schooled? Did she ever want to go to an actual school? Which one of her parents home schooled her?

Why does Serena enjoy playing the cello? Does she enjoy the sense of creativity or the feeling of accomplishment once she learns a new piece? Why did she choose to learn the cello in the first place?

Why does Serena enjoy singing?

As you might have noticed I'm asking for a lot of extra details about why Serena enjoys the things she does. This is because right now we just have statements of what she does and how she does it but this doesn't help us get an idea of Serena's personality. This is something you'll want to look at when you go through to make the edits.

No one is completely silent during class or group-work, at least not without attracting the attention of the teacher. So did any teachers ever try to do something about the fact Serena didn't socialise with the majority of her other classmates?

Again why does she like playing the piano?

While she doesn't have a class she's noticeably bad at their must be classes she doesn't enjoy so I'd like detail on this please.

For Serena's advantages and disadvantages right now they contradict each other as she's friendly and so will be able to make alliances but doesn't have many friends so she won't be able to make any alliance. We'll need more clarification and detail on this because right now they almost blend together.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
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