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Candice Banks; My first application!
Topic Started: Oct 9 2015, 10:15 AM (442 Views)
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Mr. Danya
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Hi, Somersault. I do apologise for the long wait on this critique, and appreciate your patience.

Candice is really good for a first profile, and we really don't have too much to do here before she'll be ready to roll.

Firstly, you have an extra line break after the appearance section that shouldn't be there, and we don't need a line break between the advantages and disadvantages section, so just trim those out for me.

Quote:
 
However, her favorite class was Music, because she could sing and dance, and she could get a good grade for doing just that.


It's a fairly minor note but this is the only actual mention of her being able to dance in the profile. Since you've not listed it as an interest I assume it's nothing particularly significant in Candice's life, but I'd just like it to be clarified if it's something she still does or has dropped over the years.

Quote:
 
When her younger sister Jane was born, Candice initially felt jealous, as Jane received all the attention from their parents. Once, this culminated in them having a screaming match, and in both of them getting grounded. Over time, Candice and Jane have somewhat mended their relationship, but they are still fairly distant.


Also not huge but I'd be amazed if siblings only ever had one screaming match in their lives. Plus, from the way the paragraph is written it comes off as if the cause of their rift was this one screaming match, so you might just want to reword this paragraph a little bit.


Let me know by posting in here when you've made these edits, and Candice should be good to go.
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Mr. Danya
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