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Dorothy Shelley; First character and ready to sin!
Topic Started: Oct 6 2015, 08:45 PM (355 Views)
Ruggahissy
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Howdy howdy. I'll be your moderator for this profile. Look below for the things to be added or changed and we'll get Dorothy into the murder game in no time at all.


Normally we'd knock you back for formatting, but this is a minor case so i'll do a full critique. The sections should start on the same line as biography and appearance. Like so:


Appearance: Dorothy stands at 5’3”....

- Anna's last name changes between lines. First she's called Anna Anil, then she's called Anna Robin. Just choose one for consistency.

- It's a little coincidental that both parents die on the same day, but neither is outlandish or impossible, so they can stay.

"and letting Joy choosing Dorothy’s activities."

Should be "choose"

"During her year as an infant and toddler,"

Slightly confusing since infancy and toddlerhood last more than a year.

", as a comprised between"

Should be "compromise" I think. Not sure exactly what word was supposed to be here.

"Dorothy never had any proofs of it"

should be "proof"

"When middle school begun, she mainly made friends with social outcasts; she felt drawn to them since she, herself, didn’t have close relationship with her peers when she was young. "

I thought she made friends by giving out her bracelets?

"The majority of her group were either delinquents"

Either delinquents or what?

" through social medias."

Should be "social media." Media is already plural. The singular form of media is "medium"

"Dorothy went her account on Internet "

Dorothy went ON her account (which account?) on THE internet.

- Where on the internet did she go to make friends?

" However, like for her diary, Mike found out and stalked his daughter."

- Does she know about this? How does that affect their relationship?

- Why did they get her a math tutor if she's doing well in everything but English? Seems like she should get an English tutor.

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. "

What were the alternatives? The only type of schooling that doesn't have some set of mandatory classes is home schooling and both the parents work.

" dropped it since her grade"

Grades

"Though, her father Mike quickly dismissed her dream since he didn’t believe it could be a stable job. She then decided to go into nursing like her mother"

She gave up so easily? If so, why and how does that reflect on her personality. Earlier it said her grades weren't high enough for her to want to go into medicine so did she change her mind or work harder on her school work?

"She did have a couple of crush"

Should be "crushes"

"Dorothy friendly and calm nature "

Should be "Dorothy's"



This is a good base for a character and really the main issues to be corrected mostly have to do with grammar and spelling. I will ask a few character related questions and ask for some expansion:

I'd like to know more about basically all of her hobbies. Some of them, like arts and crafts, disappear very early on. Is she still doing it? How does she interact with body modification to the point that it's a hobby? Where exactly does she go on the internet? What sort of body modification is she interested in?

For the hobbies, why does she like each one or what does she get out of doing them?

How has her relationship with her parents affected her? It seems like her relationship with her dad is kind of rocky. Does she try extra hard to please him and others? Has it lowered her self confidence?

Who are her friends now?

Lastly, I'd like a little more on what her personality is like. I can guess a bit with what's written now, but more information would be great.

That's it! Not a huge amount. Post when done.




things
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Ruggahissy
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Alrighty, it looks like you added a lot more information that was not originally present. That's fine, but remember to put it all in on the first go next time, because most of these fixes are more spelling and grammar. It might also be a good idea to throw your profile into an online spell check before posting.


In hobbies it should be "arts and crafts." Also I think science or biology might also be a hobby since she seems to enjoy that. From what I've read in the profile, her interest in body modification is not enough to be called a hobby. She researched it a bit and then gave it up, so it's not something she engages in.

In appearance "dressing code" should be "dress code."

I'm not sure if you added in the day of abduction outfit after I did the critique or if I just missed it, but there's a slight problem.

" Dorothy was a pair of jean mini-short"

mini-short what? Skirt? Shorts?

"Dorothy is the only child of Anna Anil and Omar Chadoury, both were residing in San Francisco when they discovered about the pregnancy, soon before Christmas 1998. Anna Anil went into labour the thirty-one of December of 1998."

I think this was also added in. Few mistakes here that I think come as a result of English being your second language. Should be "the thirty first" or "31st" of December. Should also be "discovered the pregnancy." No "about."

"During the obligatory activities, she discovered a love for craft and art"

This is colloquially known as "arts and crafts."

Of what decent are her parents that gives Dorothy her dark skin?

"while she achieved in science and art classes"

Achieved what?

- Why didn't she keep her friends between elementary school and middle school?

"She skipped class once, but her father found out and grounded her until the end of middle school."

This seems very very harsh. Is her father always such a disciplinarian? I guess that would make sense since he works at a prison

"whether they were stranger"

Should be "strangers"

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. However, she had no other options but to go there. "

Still a very strange sentence. Elementary school and middle school also have mandatory classes, so this wouldn't be any different.

In advantages: She wants to be a nurse, right? Does she know anything about medicine or first aid? That would probably be an advantage.

That's it. Post when done.
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Ruggahissy
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