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Dorothy Shelley; First character and ready to sin!
Topic Started: Oct 6 2015, 08:45 PM (385 Views)
Leaf
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Name: Dorothy Shelley
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 11
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interest: Blogging, crafts and arts, diary keeping, the Internet, and science and biology

Appearance: Dorothy stands at 5’3” and weighs 140 pounds. She is slightly overweight with a round and chubby body. Her fat is mainly distributed around her waist, giving her the diamond-shaped figure. Her upper body is much smaller than her lower body. Her dark brown skin is due to her biological parents. Dorothy’s hair is naturally black and curly, she ties them into pigtails.

Her face is heart-shaped and she is currently suffering from acne, mainly around her nose and on her forehead. She has few acne scars, most of them on the edge of her face and on her cheeks. Her facial features are proportionate with her size. She wears a pair of red glasses on her large brown eye to see. Her eyebrows are the same color of her hair. She has an upturned nose, and thin lips. Her lips are slightly paler than her skin. Her teeth are straight, but some of them are crooked yet not enough to have braces. She has a bit of baby fat on her cheeks making her look younger than she actually is.

She dresses in a way to feel comfortable, but also not to get in trouble. She follows the dress code and adheres to its rules. She wears handcrafted bracelet around her wrists.
Her normal outfits consist of jeans and sweaters. During the winter and the colder days, her outfit stays similar. On the hot days and summer, she goes for a pair of short and a tank-top. She prefers pale and pastel coloured clothes.

When she was abducted, Dorothy was a pair of jean mini shorts, a pink sweater with a blue shirt underneath. She wore a pair of white Converse and knee high red socks. She had her pair of red glasses and a second pair in her bag.

Biography: Dorothy is the only child of Anna Anil and Michael Chadoury, both were residing in San Francisco when they discovered the pregnancy, soon before Christmas 1998. Anna Anil went into labour the 31st December of 1998. Due to complications, she died from postpartum bleeding while Michael died in a car accident because he was speeding through traffic to reach the hospital. Dorothy was adopted by a couple residing in Arizona.

Joy Shelley née Smith and Mike Shelley both worked at the Arizona State Prison, as a nurse and correctional officer respectively. However, soon after the arrival of Dorothy, Joy quit the job at the prison due to safety, and went to work at the Kingman Regional Medical Center.

Since both of her parents had stable careers, she was able to live comfortably. She was pampered by Joy. However, Mike was colder toward Dorothy and tried to force her into a stricter routine than Joy’s. It was often the subject of conflicts between the parents, which eventually led to Mike giving in and letting Joy choose Dorothy’s activities.

During her years as an infant and toddler, she was sent to pre-kindergarten, as a compromise between Joy and Mike, and, in a way, let them both work full time. During the obligatory activities, she discovered a love for crafts and arts, and started to make her own bracelets at home. She was then able to make friends at the daycare by handing out her crafts. Her handful of friends followed her when she started elementary school.

She learned about her adoption before the beginning of school. Dorothy was visibly upset at the revelation, but she didn’t make a deal out of it. She didn’t care much about her biological parents since she never knew them. She never learned about their death since her adoptive parents preferred to keep it hidden. She questioned them about her biological parents, but she gave up after a while.

At the beginning of class, Dorothy was teased by other kids. Her peers were picking on her since she was both overweight and had dark skin from her Indian ancestry. She was, however, able to stick with her friends and avoided being severely bullied. However, she had to stay clear from the playground and stayed within her teacher’s class during recess to avoid her bullies. It was around the time she started to read that she received her glasses due to her myopia.

Dorothy’s grades were erratic in elementary school. She struggled with mathematics and language course, while she achieved good grades in science and art classes. Mike pushed her hard because he wanted her to excel in her weaker classes, while Joy was trying to encourage her to continue following her favourite classes.

In an effort to increase her English mark, she started a diary during her final year of elementary school. At first, she disliked it since she found it redundant, but she started to enjoy it when she started to develop secrets. She also wrote down several hypotheses about her biological parents.

Before the beginning of middle school, she started to combine diary keeping and craft. Her diary at the time was filled with drawing, pictures and other collectibles such as dried flowers, stickers, and stamps. It was around the same time her father found her diary and started to read it. Dorothy never had any proof of it, however, but she still switched to another diary around that time.

When middle school begun, she mainly made friends with social outcasts; she felt drawn to them since she didn’t keep her friends through the transition between elementary school and middle school since she moved three weeks before the beginning of class. The majority of her group were delinquents, which influenced Dorothy. She skipped class once, but her father found out and grounded her until the end of middle school. Dorothy was upset about it, but stayed in contact with her friends through social media.

The situation at her home was tense. Her mother was on the side of Dorothy while Mike was standing alone. Mike and Joy often argued; Dorothy took refuge in her room and went on the computer. Dorothy went on her personal accounts on social media, and made friends with several people, whether they were strangers or peers from school. She also tried to keep it hidden from her father. However, like for her diary, Mike found out and stalked his daughter. Even though Dorothy learned about it a few months after, it still strained their relationship because Mike would get into arguments with his daughter about the things she posted and talked about.

When she entered Cochise, she fell in love with the science curriculum. Her liking of science started blooming in her sophomore year when she learned about anatomy and biology. She thought about pursuing a career in medicine, but quickly dropped it since her grades weren’t good enough, but kept it in mind.

With both her passion for art and biology, she started enjoying researching on the topic of body modification in her sophomore year, but it was in her junior year, she considered working as a professional piercer. She did some research and found online communities about the subject, but she was disgusted at the sight of most modification and her father also dismissed her dream, so she reluctantly decided to go into nursing.

Dorothy found out about her father’s habits when she caught him red-handed in her room reading her diary. Her father defended himself because he claimed that was protecting her, but she did not accept his reasons. Her self-confidence took a hit and she became less vocal about her problems to her parents and friends in fear that they would use it against her. Mike admitted to Dorothy that his job was stressful and he was struggling to cope with it, but she accepted his apologies but stayed bitter toward him.

She started to concentrate on her studies to make her father happy. Her grades went up all around, but for English. Her father was impressed with her attitude, and paid a tutor for her English class. Her grades slowly increased, but she stabilized at barely a passing grade because she stopped caring about her father’s approval when she learned he read her diary.

Dorothy never took interest in dating. She never felt attracted to anyone, in fear of being rejected and hurt. She did have a couple of crushes, however. Principally toward her close friends at school but nothing more of that. She is questioning her sexuality, but she hasn’t thought seriously about it.

She is rarely seen without her cell phone at school, she started using to surf the Internet in class when she’s bored. She keeps her diary hidden in her purse. Nowadays, she updates her diary online through blogging since she found it easier to update than on paper. She enjoys keeping a diary because she finds it a good way to vent about her failures such as her personal relationship with her father.

It is easily remarked that Dorothy is childish. She is not well versed in the topic of drug and alcohol. She struggles at taking things seriously and discussing about important matters with others. Her happy-go-lucky attitudes often take over when the situation becomes heavy and often annoys other when they are going through difficult events.

In class, she never participates, but often talks to her friends, much to the annoyance of the teacher. Her friendly attitude towards her peers made it easy for her to befriend people. She only answers questions when she is directly picked on by a teacher, which she particularly hates since it put her on the spot. She particularly hates it in English class because of her past experiences, and she started to enjoy P.E. due to swimming class and being able to hang with her friends.

Advantage: Dorothy’s friendly and calm nature could help to make allies and to defuse violent situations. Her high spirit and cheerful attitude will help her to cope with stressful situations ahead. She also learned about first aid techniques from her mother and when she researched about nursing on the Internet.
Disadvantage: Dorothy is out of shape since she never bothered working out or paid attention during gym class. Her childish nature could annoy people, and she could easily be influenced by others
me by naft
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Ruggahissy
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Howdy howdy. I'll be your moderator for this profile. Look below for the things to be added or changed and we'll get Dorothy into the murder game in no time at all.


Normally we'd knock you back for formatting, but this is a minor case so i'll do a full critique. The sections should start on the same line as biography and appearance. Like so:


Appearance: Dorothy stands at 5’3”....

- Anna's last name changes between lines. First she's called Anna Anil, then she's called Anna Robin. Just choose one for consistency.

- It's a little coincidental that both parents die on the same day, but neither is outlandish or impossible, so they can stay.

"and letting Joy choosing Dorothy’s activities."

Should be "choose"

"During her year as an infant and toddler,"

Slightly confusing since infancy and toddlerhood last more than a year.

", as a comprised between"

Should be "compromise" I think. Not sure exactly what word was supposed to be here.

"Dorothy never had any proofs of it"

should be "proof"

"When middle school begun, she mainly made friends with social outcasts; she felt drawn to them since she, herself, didn’t have close relationship with her peers when she was young. "

I thought she made friends by giving out her bracelets?

"The majority of her group were either delinquents"

Either delinquents or what?

" through social medias."

Should be "social media." Media is already plural. The singular form of media is "medium"

"Dorothy went her account on Internet "

Dorothy went ON her account (which account?) on THE internet.

- Where on the internet did she go to make friends?

" However, like for her diary, Mike found out and stalked his daughter."

- Does she know about this? How does that affect their relationship?

- Why did they get her a math tutor if she's doing well in everything but English? Seems like she should get an English tutor.

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. "

What were the alternatives? The only type of schooling that doesn't have some set of mandatory classes is home schooling and both the parents work.

" dropped it since her grade"

Grades

"Though, her father Mike quickly dismissed her dream since he didn’t believe it could be a stable job. She then decided to go into nursing like her mother"

She gave up so easily? If so, why and how does that reflect on her personality. Earlier it said her grades weren't high enough for her to want to go into medicine so did she change her mind or work harder on her school work?

"She did have a couple of crush"

Should be "crushes"

"Dorothy friendly and calm nature "

Should be "Dorothy's"



This is a good base for a character and really the main issues to be corrected mostly have to do with grammar and spelling. I will ask a few character related questions and ask for some expansion:

I'd like to know more about basically all of her hobbies. Some of them, like arts and crafts, disappear very early on. Is she still doing it? How does she interact with body modification to the point that it's a hobby? Where exactly does she go on the internet? What sort of body modification is she interested in?

For the hobbies, why does she like each one or what does she get out of doing them?

How has her relationship with her parents affected her? It seems like her relationship with her dad is kind of rocky. Does she try extra hard to please him and others? Has it lowered her self confidence?

Who are her friends now?

Lastly, I'd like a little more on what her personality is like. I can guess a bit with what's written now, but more information would be great.

That's it! Not a huge amount. Post when done.




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Ruggahissy
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Alrighty, it looks like you added a lot more information that was not originally present. That's fine, but remember to put it all in on the first go next time, because most of these fixes are more spelling and grammar. It might also be a good idea to throw your profile into an online spell check before posting.


In hobbies it should be "arts and crafts." Also I think science or biology might also be a hobby since she seems to enjoy that. From what I've read in the profile, her interest in body modification is not enough to be called a hobby. She researched it a bit and then gave it up, so it's not something she engages in.

In appearance "dressing code" should be "dress code."

I'm not sure if you added in the day of abduction outfit after I did the critique or if I just missed it, but there's a slight problem.

" Dorothy was a pair of jean mini-short"

mini-short what? Skirt? Shorts?

"Dorothy is the only child of Anna Anil and Omar Chadoury, both were residing in San Francisco when they discovered about the pregnancy, soon before Christmas 1998. Anna Anil went into labour the thirty-one of December of 1998."

I think this was also added in. Few mistakes here that I think come as a result of English being your second language. Should be "the thirty first" or "31st" of December. Should also be "discovered the pregnancy." No "about."

"During the obligatory activities, she discovered a love for craft and art"

This is colloquially known as "arts and crafts."

Of what decent are her parents that gives Dorothy her dark skin?

"while she achieved in science and art classes"

Achieved what?

- Why didn't she keep her friends between elementary school and middle school?

"She skipped class once, but her father found out and grounded her until the end of middle school."

This seems very very harsh. Is her father always such a disciplinarian? I guess that would make sense since he works at a prison

"whether they were stranger"

Should be "strangers"

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. However, she had no other options but to go there. "

Still a very strange sentence. Elementary school and middle school also have mandatory classes, so this wouldn't be any different.

In advantages: She wants to be a nurse, right? Does she know anything about medicine or first aid? That would probably be an advantage.

That's it. Post when done.
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