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Maxwell C. Corletts; Wish me luck! I'll need it!
Topic Started: Sep 24 2015, 02:58 PM (444 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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Hate, hate, HATE!!!
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Hi there, Corvus. First off, I would like to say Welcome to SotF. Then I would like to say on behalf of the entire staff here at SotF that we're sorry for the delays in getting to this critique.

That said, Maxwell is currently Denied pending some edits, which I will quickly outline before we take another, closer (and quicker) look at Maxwell.

Please make sure you follow the template of the profile exactly. There should be spaces between the headers and their content (i.e. Gender:Male needs to become Gender: Male).

There are language embellishments in the profile, a little too many to count. We do appreciate colorful language in our writing but profiles are just about the one place where you shouldn't have a flourish. Take, for instance, describing Max as a scarecrow (just tell us that he's a tall and lanky boy).

On the note of being tall and skinny, 6'5" and 112 pounds isn't just lanky. It's a stick figure. It's severely underweight. It's downright emaciation. He should be in the hospital with that height and weight, and not any good at physical activities, particularly not martial arts and gymnastics (quite possibly THE most intense scholastic sport).

Physical therapy isn't really a hobby or interest. It's something he has to do to deal with his leg.

Can I ask why you settled on Krav Maga instead of a martial art that's more commonly taught in the United States? There are some critical misunderstandings with how Krav Maga seems to work as well. It's not something you're supposed to be able to do for 20 minutes. It's a martial art that, in its proper form, is designed to literally kill or incapacitate and THEN escape a dangerous situation (and in fact it's this proclivity to kill that may be the reason behind Krav Maga's frequent appearances in profiles). Not only is it unfeasible and unreasonable for Maxwell to learn this even in healthy condition, but he's clearly NOT in a healthy condition to start with. He should be doing yoga for muscle rehabilitation, not intensive physical activities that could cripple him even further.

Please don't include stats in advantages and disadvantages. This is not a tabletop RPG. Also these two sections should be in complete sentences. Please read approved profiles to see what we ask of our writers.

When you've completed all those edits, we'll continue on. I just want to see that you're willing to work with me this far.
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