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Lucilly Peterson; probably also won't work
Topic Started: Sep 15 2015, 06:16 PM (330 Views)
VoltTurtle
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The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
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Hey there, Cicada Days! Sorry for the huge delay on this profile being critiqued, most of staff has been hit pretty hard all at once, and things have slowed down tremendously. That said, I'm here now, and I'll be the staffer critiquing Lucilly.

Unfortunately, Lucilly is DENIED pending revisions. My comments are in teal.

Quote:
 
Hobbies and Interests: Childcare and babysitting, teaching, community service, sewing and embroidery, crafts including woodworking, reading YA fiction and romance novels, writing, Mormon teachings and scripture.


So the biggest problem that the profile suffers from is not enough elaboration on Lucilly's hobbies and interests. You give us as readers really great insight into all the inner workings of Lucilly's personality, but as it stands we don't really understand why she likes much of anything that she likes doing.

For most of these (with the exception of Mormon teachings and scripture, you cover that quite well), I want you to go back and add WHY Lucilly likes each of these things in the appropriate paragraphs. In the particular cases of "reading YA fiction and romance novels" and "crafts including woodworking" you need to expand on them greatly, mainly including what she likes about them, because as it stands the both of them are just mentioned and not elaborated on.

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Lucilly is light skinned, 5'8” and 170 pounds, a thickset young Caucasian woman whose weight


This would be worded much better as "Lucilly is a light skinned, 5'8" and 170 pounds thickset young Caucasian woman" for more flow.

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Her face is slightly oblong, small forehead with prominent cheeks and a short button nose, along with a defined chin


This would flow better as: "with a small forehead, prominent cheeks, and a short button nose[...]"

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Her brothers were both artistically inclined young boys and with their encouragement she developed an early love for arts and crafts. In particular, Annablle taught her the very basics of needlework when she was four and Lucilly slowly developed the skill whenever she had the free time alongside her mother, developing the eye and dexterity for hand sewing and embellishments that would become useful to her in later years.


I mentioned this above, but what does she like specifically about sewing and embroidery/crafting things? Really ask yourself what she likes about doing those things for all of her hobbies.

Quote:
 
and Lucilly had the opportunity to participate in the raising of the girls as well. She found that she delighted in her crude and childish efforts to teach the twins what she knew, to gently scold them when they were being rambunctious. By the time she was eight she had developed an interest in teaching, encouraged by her mother especially given the eldest Peterson woman was a teacher herself.


This will be the last time I mention it specifically, but why does Lucilly like caring for the twins/babysitting in general? Why does she like the idea of teaching?

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in part since the family only had once computer


Typo, "one."

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dream. It well, in a sense, though Lucilly found


The wording here is really odd and I'm not sure what was meant by it. Check over it.

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had only grown stronger since their puberty, they


Delete the "their" as it is unnecessary.

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Puberty hit her full swing around age 12, in her middle school years. Physically she began to fatten up to her present physique as her diet had never been particularly good with parents who loved ordering out instead of cooking. Her putting on weight attracted some teasing and rude comments by the crueler in her classes. Not extremely as her pleasant if sometimes awkward demeanor won her enough favor to spare her from the worst of the middle school crowd, but she was still taken aback. She kept a positive mentality about it as she was wont, however, and her strong mentality eventually dissuaded further bullying as she wasn't easy to elicit responses from.


This paragraph should be moved to be with the rest of her middle school years so as to properly be in chronological order.

Quote:
 
Her actual work remained fairly awful by most definitions, overly flowery and stilted


This is a bit too unprofessional sounding for a profile. Perhaps change it to "remained unprofessional in quality" and add a "being" before "overly flowery."

Other than that, Lucilly is good! You did a pretty good job on this profile. Once you have those edits made, post here and I'll be back for round two. :)
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VoltTurtle
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The girl who dreams on the back of a giant space turtle.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I read over it and fair enough regarding my desire to move the paragraph. Well done.

APPROVED

Enjoy!
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