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Jonathan Gulley; Second Chance
Topic Started: Sep 8 2015, 09:22 AM (481 Views)
Deamon
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Hey Prim. Jonathan is a good start but is temporarily Denied pending some changes.

The first change that needs to be made; and it's a big one, is that the profiles tone and style of writing needs to be changed and made consistent throughout. For example during the biography the tense changes multiple and in one instance within the same sentence. This hampers the overall quality and reading experience of the profile. There are also a lot of sentences that rely on the word and. For example:
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He was a disruption who bothered his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork and he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers. He was very unmotivated by his lessons in school and he would continue to disturb everyone during these lessons.
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Some of his favorite directors are Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Sean S. Cunningham and some of his favorite actors are Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis, Donald Pleasence and many others.
It makes the sentences very clunky, awkward to read and doesn't allow for a natural flow in the writing so it would be better trying to reword this sentences to try and improve on this.



Ok onto the profile's content.

Parties are not a hobby or interest. It's just something young people do. It's like saying being social is a hobby. It's something people enjoy because its fun but in real life I don't think people view parties as a key part of their life. So remove this please.

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He likes to wear t-shirts that have band names like A Day To Remember, Jimmy Eats World, Paramore and many other bands.
This is a redundant and clunky statement and it would be better if it said something along the lines of "among others".

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He was a disruption who bothered his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork and he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers.
This sentence is phrased awkwardly and would be better off being reworded.

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He was very unmotivated by his lessons in school and he would continue to disturb everyone during these lessons.
You don't need lessons here twice. Putting during them would serve the same purpose.

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There's your trouble by a band called Dixie Chicks
Needs quote marks.

Right so we know Jonathan enjoys playing guitar and has a love for music but we're not told why. Why does he have a love for music? Why does he enjoy playing the guitar? These are important details as they really help us see more of Jonathan's personality and helps us imagine what he's like.

Just going to ask how good Jonathan is at skateboarding since you say he does a kickflip to show off but if he's being doing it since age 10 that's not that complex a move to do.

This mystery accident comes up again here when you talk about how Jonathan gets bullied and I'm going to need for you to put this accident in the profile. Because it shouldn't be a mystery to the terrorists and it really shouldn't be kept a secret from the staff. Remember these profiles need to feature every important detail in your kids life and if they're getting bullied over this accident its important enough to need an explanation.

How did Jonathan get introduced to 80s horror movies? What did his parents think intially since a lot of these movies are have an R rating or are 18+.

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Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends and he loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys, but he used to be secretly insecure about himself being gay before he opened up to his parents and other people about his sexuality as he felt uncomfortable about it and he was afraid of being bullied more than often because of it.
Ok now, for Jonathan being gay what you have down is really not enough to be acceptable. It's two sentences and that's being generous to the first one. Now I'm not asking for a big tragic backstory about Jonathan being gay or anything but if its something that's important to his character, which it seems to be, I would prefer if it was looked into in much more detail. So I'd like this expanded upon.

The paragraph about his school life and his out of school stuff would be better off being split into two separate paragraphs. One for each part, it'll just make it easier to read.

Why is he struggling? Is it directly related to him disliking studying leading to him to not actually study? Or is it something else? What classes does he like and dislike? How is he trying to improve if he feels his results aren't good enough?

For his job why did he get a job at the Ice Cream Parlor? Why does he want to go around the world and play his guitar to different people? This also comes way out of left field so more detail here is needed.

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Jonathan is a very friendly person at heart who loves to have fun with his friends and he will listen to any problems that they have and he will do anything to help them out.
This really needs to be edited into two sentences or maybe three, since right now its three different points stuck together.
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He can still be very sensitive to being teased by other people and he would get very quiet and bitter if this happens to him.
This sentence switches tenses halfway through. It'd read better as "He can still be very sensitive to being teased by others and will get quiet and moody as a result."

For the advantages and disadvantages more detail is needed regarding how this will effect Jonathan on the during his time on the island. Also being an easy target due to bullying doesn't really make any sense as a disadvantage and neither does being unmotivated, it'd take a serious lack of motivation to actively not attempt to survive being murdered.

So yeah, it's a lot of changes but once you've made them all post here and I'll give Jonathan another look.
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
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Deamon
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Alright so while Jonathan is looking better he's still Denied pending changes.

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He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork;
This is still phrased awkwardly to be more specific saying 'bother his classmates from learning' is incorrect. It would either be 'He would like to bother his classmates, preventing them from learning." or "He frequently bothered his classmates and prevented them from learning."

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At the age of eight, Jonathan did like playing with others kids and he had a huge love of music; especially the country genre as he would which he liked to listen to it whenever he was doing schoolwork at home because it would always keep him in a cheerful, happy mood.
Ok so we don't need the parts I've slashed through here really as they only serve to add more words to what is already a long sentence. This brings me to my next major point I want you to work on this go around:

Editing. Specifically editing your phrasing and sentence structure to:

1) Remove unnecessary words.
2) Ensure that sentences have a flow, instead of being clunky.
3) Shorten your overall sentence length. Since right now most of the sentences you use could be two or more sentences when split up and are being forced into one very long sentence.

Hopefully as you're doing this you'll also start to see the grammatical errors that are present within this profile. Again I'm going to ask that you give the profile a good read through with an eye out for detail. Otherwise this critique could devolve into more changes like that one up there ^ and I'm sure neither of us want to go through that.

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'There's your trouble' by a band called Dixie Chicks
The name of the song needs capital letters since it is a name.

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Jonathan was not uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
Think you just meant 'was uncomfortable' here.

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Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.


I don't think the detail about the car moving uncontrollably is needed as we can assume that from the fact two people are fighting over the wheel. All it serves to do is make the sentence longer than it needs to be.

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he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows


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He was devastated and heartbroken when he heard that Lisa had died during the car accident and he was noticeably more quieter than usual.
You don't need both devastated and heartbroken here.

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the scar that's on his face that was caused in an accident that he wasn't comfortable to talk about.
Yeah this sentence needs to be changed to refer to the accident properly as we know what happened now. So it makes no sense calling it 'an accident'.

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At the age of fifteen, Jonathan enjoyed watching horror movies with his friends that were 80s slasher movies because he enjoyed how cheesy they were and he loved to get a great laugh out of them with his friends.
This needs to be at least two different sentences because it's nearly two whole lines by itself.

Ok so, your changes to Jonathan being gay, if anything they almost make things worse. You've not really done what I've asked here. I asked for it to be expanded upon and more detail added but all you've done is tacked on two sentences about how he wants a relationship soon and is in love with one of his friends. What I wanted was more detail about this earlier in his life. When did Jonathan realise he was gay? How did he cope with this? Right now this still goes unexplained. So I'm still going to have to ask for more detail here.

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Although he doesn't likeing working there much,


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Jonathan can make allies as he can be a very trustworthyful
I also think you're missing out the word 'easily' but I'm not sure.

Alright make those changes for me and I'll give Jonathan another look!
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
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Deamon
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Ok so Jonathan is still Denied pending changes.

The thing I noticed straight away is that you haven't read through the profile carefully. There's still a lot of stuff that hasn't been changed after the last couple of times. For example:
Quote:
 
He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork; as he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers.
This sentence still contains the phrase I had an issue with in the first place.

Quote:
 
After Lisa picked up Derrick. While they were talking, Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.
These two sentences need to be worked on because right now the first sentence is only half of one and the second one lacks any context as a result.

Another thing you need to be careful of is that when you add in the changes that I ask for but don't edit the paragraph to take into account these new additions.

Quote:
 
Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends and he loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan realized that he was gay when he found himself getting attached to his own gender and he didn't have any romantic feelings towards girls. He wasn't sure how to deal with it at first because he didn't know how others would react to his sexuality. He was afraid that people wouldn't accept him for who he was. He kept it a secret for a while until he felt confident to open up about it. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys,
This is an example from the profile where the highlighted parts are from the original paragraph and should really be put together as one sentence. However you've added in my requested changes for expansion on his homosexuality between them and it makes the paragraph very disjointed. So you'll want to read through for any other instances of that and fix them up.

Really the main issue we have right now is the way the profile is written. As currently there are a lot of long sentences that need splitting up and awkward phrasings in parts. It just needs you to go through it and say to yourself "Do I need to use And in this sentence?". If you think it would be better off being split try that. Another thing you could try is reading the profile aloud as this will help you notice any parts that read strangely.

That's about it really. Just a detailed edit of sentence structure and style of phrasing and we should hopefully be good to go! Post here once you've done that and I'll take another look.
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Deamon
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Humans...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Alright Jonathan is still Denied pending edits.

Quote:
 
He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork.
This phrase still hasn't been reworded despite me asking you to do it twice.

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He would really like the guitar
This should say "He really liked the guitar."

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His parents brought him a acoustic guitar which he struggled to play at first and his parents would pay for him to get guitar lessons to help him practice to get better at playing it.
This sentence needs to be split in two.

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Jonathan was first introduced to skateboarding at the age of ten by one of his friends when they went to the skate park to watch the older kids skateboarding and Jonathan thought that it was cool and fun to do.
Should be two sentences.

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Some of his favorite skaters are Russ Howell, Rodney Mullen and Darryl Grogan as he enjoyed seeing what tricks that they did and he wanted to be just like them.
This sentence changes tenses between the beginning and end.

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Jonathan and Lisa had been late from coming back from the skate park


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Jonathan was uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
This sentence needs a comma or semi-colon in it.

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When Jonathan woke up in the hospital a few days later, he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows.
Jonathan waking up a few days later in hospital implies some kind of head/brain trauma which he doesn't have, please fix this wording.

Quote:
 
His favorite subjects are music and P.E.


Fix that and I'll take another look.
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Deamon
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Humans...
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APPROVED
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
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