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Haley Luz Juarez; *rises from the SOTF grave*
Topic Started: Aug 31 2015, 07:46 PM (545 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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Hey Aloha. You know me, I know you, let's skip the pleasantries. Haley is currently DENIED pending some edits.

Because this profile is so, so long, I'm eschewing my regular style in favor of taking quick notes. Makes both of our lives easier.


No such thing as an average build for a teenager, everybody comes in different shapes and sizes. In fact, you even go on to say they're toned and muscled, which isn't average at all. Please fix.

"Their have an oblong face"

"After marrying Erica moved into" < put a comma after marrying

I honestly don't care much about Erica or Joel. We need to know who Haley's parents are and we need to know circumstances around Haley's birth. We don't need to know in-depth about the past of either parent, nor do we need to know the extended families of each parent. The profile is about Haley, not the entirety of the Luz family.

I caught the most glaring grammar stuff, but read through your entire profile one more time (all 3 billion words of it) and make sure there's nothing I can catch the next go-round. (Side note: anything 'Mohave' is probably better spelled 'Mojave', even though both can be considered correct).

Haley's selfishness and disloyalty come out of nowhere in the disadvantages. I'd like to see more about this somewhere in the profile.


That's all for now. There's... something else bothering me, but I'm consulting a few other people first before I press it further.

Edit: Okay, yeah. I really need to see more about Haley's issues with gender identity. Every person is different, but it's not typical of somebody struggling with gender issues to suddenly decide something about themselves. After all, they've been raised under a separate identity their entire lives. There are a lot of questions to ask and they generally happen over a long period of time. So yeah, be less terse about it. This needs more than one paragraph and, in fact, should probably be spread through much of the profile (if it's gonna be this long -- fine, I'll stop complaining about the length! Sheesh! ;) )
Edited by MK Kilmarnock, Sep 24 2015, 03:50 PM.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Eh.

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