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Darius Van Dyke; Hammertime! (But not the Banhammer)
Topic Started: Aug 26 2015, 02:59 PM (292 Views)
Namira
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Hi, RC. Darius is temporarily denied, pending a few revisions.

The basics are all there, the main issue that he has right now is that a lot of his hobbies and personality traits have redundant justifications. That is to say, the reasoning for them is circular and refers back to itself.

" Often, his mother helped him with gardening and taught him what to do in case he didn't know what to do. "

"and just jokes around with words, for example through jokes."

"he even attempted to sketch in his free time, when he was bored. Eventually he sketched in his free time."

"He has no special subject he's particularly interested, thinking most subjects as uninteresting to attend."

The logic wraps back in on itself - I'd like there to be some expansion here so we get a better picture of the interests. Right now, for example the last one 'He isn't interested in any subjects because he doesn't find any subjects interesting'. You see?

The other main problem is that Darius is presented in an unclear way. At times he's regarded as a light-hearted prankster, at others, he seems a lot crueler or mean-spirited with his humour. I'd like you to make it a bit more apparent which Darius is. It's fine that he jokes around and I know that not everyone takes jokes in the same way, but it'd be good if it was properly established which way Darius actually goes with this.

'While he isn't a fan of jump'n runs anymore and prefers to play shooters or strategy games, he continued with his habit of completing games and he continued playing roleplaying games as well.'

jumpn'runs is informal. Try Platformers. When you say his habit of completing games, does Darius particularly go out of his way to finish them? What kinds of roleplaying games does he play now?

'This however changed when he accidently half-blinded Astrid Tate when they were in elementary school. During recess, Darius and some other kids threw paper pellets at each other via elastic bands. After Astrid was hit in the eye, it had consequences for him. He felt guilty for having hurt Astrid.'

What happened with Astrid's family? The school? You stated that Darius was grounded by his parents but there's no mention of what the school or the Tate family did about this.

'As he was scared because of this, he changed for the better. '

How so was he scared? Because of the incident as a whole? Astrid's reaction?

'For example when he had to learn for an exam, he learned for one and doesn't get distracted. He also liked to watch anime over all genres. Two of his favourite series are FMA: Brotherhood and Cowboy Bebop.'

You tense switch in the first sentence. I'd reword it to something like Darius being able to show focus and not get distracted when he needs to study.


'His mother disliked it how he spent more time inside on the computer than outside, like she does. But as Darius still liked gardening and helped her out every weekend, she still spends an amount of time with him, although neither of them are too enthusiastic about talking to each other.'

You previously stated he had a really good relationship with his mother, yet now they don't even want to talk to one another? That's really contradictory. I can understand his mom disapproving of how much time Darius spends on the computer, but the rest needs clarifying.

'He likes to impress other people and dares to do things. His bragging about his good grades doesn't help, either. He's considered jerkish or unfriendly by others.'

I'd like some clarity on Darius's joking around. He's always trying to make people laugh, and yet other people consider him unfriendly? Does he just have no filter? This is important considering it's one of his disadvantages.

'He isn't serious all the time and likes using sarcasm. He sometimes makes fun of other people and often makes jokes about others behind their backs to make his friends laugh.'

This section is a bit redundant and the three paragraphs about him joking around could probably be merged into one. As well as there being some repetition, there's a contradiction here. Darius dislikes it when people pretend to be nice and lie, but he makes jokes behind people's backs? This could use some clearing up.

'When Isaac Brea pranked him, he wanted to seek revenge.'

What kind of prank was this? What's his relationship with Isaac? Did he actually get revenge?


Some grammar quibbles:

' due to being quarter-Argentinian'

'Underneath it he wore a green t-shirt. '

'He aspires to become a successful Let's Player or Youtuber to live off the money and it's a dream of his, but he realises that this would be improbable.'

You also tense-switch in a few places, for instance you go from 'has' to 'had' a couple times. I recommend combing it over to tease those out.

'Thus he has a deeper bond with his mother and continues to garden in his free time. While he now doesn't always have time for gardening, he usually helps his mother at taking care of the garden every weekend. He enjoys gardening and is proud of what he has created.'


'His ranting could also help him to scrutinise his allies.'

How so? I'm not following this one.

'He also has no good reputation, which may hinder his classmates to trust him. '

Why is his reputation bad if he's a class clown and wants to make people laugh? This refers back to that point I made at the beginning of the critique.
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