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Astrid Tate; SO VERY ZETTA SLOW
Topic Started: Aug 4 2015, 09:01 PM (356 Views)
MurderWeasel
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Heya, Pippin! Astrid looks pretty good, but she is DENIED pending a bit of revision.

At 6'0", Astrid is really tall for her age and gender--well into the 99th percentile by the CDC's measurements. How does she feel about this? Does it affect her life in any notable ways?

What type of makeup does Astrid wear when she does? Why does she visit tanning salons if she's naturally tanned due to her outdoors activities?

It strikes me as a bit unusual that Astrid has no piercings at all despite having had interest in them, since getting ears pierced is a very common and socially accepted (and almost expected) thing for girls. Can I hear a bit more about why she never had it done?

Does a tattoo in white ink show up well against Astrid's complexion?

Why does Astrid favor a patch over a less obtrusive eye covering (glasses with a darkened lens, a glass eye, etc.)?

Can I hear a bit more about Gregory's work situation? When did he lose his former job? Was it in something notably better than the convenience store? How long has he been in his current situation?

What about the Women's World Cup existing took Astrid by surprise?

If Astrid is 18 in spring 2015, she'd've been around six in 2003. It strikes me as a bit odd for an elementary school to have a very notable bench/starting squad for its soccer team. Can you elaborate a bit here?

There are some pretty notable feasibility issues surrounding the incident leading to Astrid's partial blinding. Teachers aren't supposed to leave classrooms unattended for anything short of emergencies, especially in elementary school, precisely because things can get out of control and dangerous with no adult present. The sort of incident you describe here would almost certainly lead to the teacher in question losing their job, potentially their license, and possibly landing in tons of legal trouble as well should Astrid's family choose to sue.

I'd also like to know a lot more about the fallout. Right now, aside from a brief stint feeling down and a much harder time with her soccer, Astrid seems largely unaffected by her injury, but it's a really big deal. I'd like to know how she felt about it, whether she bore any resentment towards the kid who hurt her, how she viewed her recovery, what affects the incident had on her social interactions and relationships, and how her feelings about it have changed and evolved as she's grown older.

Is Astrid CPR and first aid certified, or just trained informally by her mother? Also, how serious was her desire to be a surgeon? At such a young age, it doesn't seem likely to have been too fixed, but does Astrid bear any resentment towards being forced to abandon those aspirations?

What prompted Astrid's change in mindset at fourteen?

How does Astrid's disdain manifest? How does she feel about having rubbed people the wrong way with it? Has this ever caused her any serious trouble? Are her parents and friends aware of it, and how do they react?

Why does Astrid have so much faith in herself over anyone else? When she's obviously wrong about something, how does that affect her? How does her family feel about her demeanor?

I'd also, on a related note, like to hear a bit more about Astrid's relationship with her family, both growing up and now. Just a few details to fill in her relationship with each of her parents would do nicely.

Is Astrid really so single-minded she'd pursue a path even if it was clearly going t lead to bad results? If so, has this hurt her in the past? How does she reconcile such things with her beliefs about needing to take care of herself?

How is Astrid's depth perception due to her eye injury?

And a bit of grammar:

"and weighs 145lbs.Her weight" needs a space after the period.

I'd prefer if this: " Due to this, she was subjected to some teasing from other children her age, particularly from boys who told her that ‘girls couldn’t play soccer’." could be rephrased to avoid the quote--quotations in profiles usually introduce unnecessary subjectivity.

"with various questions about medicine and with treating injuries" -> "with various questions about medicine and treating injuries"

"The majority of ‘healthy’ recipes she finds" should be rephrased without the quotation marks--they introduce ambiguity by making it unclear whether the recipes are actually healthy or whether the quotation marks are being used to indicate sarcasm.

The quotes here: "the most common of which are that she is ‘abrasive’ and ‘stuck-up’." should just be removed; the sentence reads fine without them.

"adopting a ‘my way or the highway’ mentality" should be rephrased to avoid the quotes.

Post when you've got that all taken care of, and I'll give Astrid another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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MurderWeasel
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You think your edits took a long time? ><

Huge, huge apologies for the wait (especially the ~ten days after I said it'd be done that day and then got sick). If I ever take more than four days on anything for you from here out, yell at me and/or folks who prod me.

Just a few more minor things to clean up:

At 6'0", while cabinets could certainly be an issue, Astrid seems unlikely to have troubles with all but the shortest door frames since while her height is exceptional for a girl her age, it's still well within typical human norms.

I think changing the phrasing to Gregory being "between careers" would probably help better convey your meaning.

The bit on Astrid's parents' reactions to her stubbornness would fit better in the section about that stubbornness (right after the section on her occasional outbursts at school, perhaps--especially since that section also suggests they actually don't know much about it--or somewhere in the last paragraph).

I think the bit on Astrid's first-team ambitions can actually be dropped--it's a bit confusing to have in the section on her childhood interests and if it is important later it can come up then.

"She realised that she wouldn’t be able to instantly go back to playing soccer on the first team" should be "She realised that she wouldn’t be able to instantly go back to playing soccer on the school team" to match the removal of the first team thing. Similarly, the bit on her not getting playtime could use a bit of reworking to match the idea that everyone gets rotated--are the coaches worried for her health and self esteem, perhaps?

That should take care of things. Again, huge apologies for the delay here.
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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MurderWeasel
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V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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