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Jaime Schanbacher
Topic Started: Jul 20 2015, 10:33 PM (1,128 Views)
BetaKnight
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Jamie Schanbacher is DENIED pending revision.

The biggest problem with Jamie in her current incarnation is the lack of details throughout the entire profile. The amount of information here would be very bare bones for a brand new member/handler. Why, given your extensive experience with the standards that are applied to profiles, you submitted such a sparse and incomplete profile is confusing.

Name: Jaime Elizabeth Schanbacher
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Grade: 11th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Archery, Art, Gaming, Swimming ((Every one of these hobbies and interests is underdeveloped. Each hobby/interest should have at least one complete paragraph dedicated to it.))

Appearance:
Jaime Schanbacher is somewhat small for her age, being five feet two inches tall, and weighing 107 pounds, giving her a slim figure. ((No, she’s not. At 62 inches, she's in about the sixty-fifth percentile for height at her age. While she may be considered short, she is not small for her age.)) Her straight hair is dirty blond and goes down to her shoulders, and is normally not tied up. ((So how does she wear it? This just tells me how she DOESN’T. With bangs? Without bangs? Parted on the side? And if so, which side? There needs to be more information so that other handlers can better picture her.)) Her oval face has a small, centered nose ((As opposed to an off-center nose?)) and green eyes. She has light skin, a combination of her Caucasian heritage and focusing many indoor-based activities. ((Swimming and archery are indoor sports? Also, I think you're missing a word in the sentence. Do you mean "her focus on indoor-based activities"?)) She has two piercings on each ear as well as a navel piercing. ((What kind of ear piercings? Traditional? Tragus? Orbital? Industrial? Also, what type of jewelry does she wear in these piercings? Studs? Hoops? Drops? Dangles? Slave? Barbells? Spikes? What about the colors and materials the earrings are made of? Metal? Plastic? Jeweled? Please provide details.)) Her lips are normally in a serious expression, however this is simply due to that being her natural facial expression, as opposed to being indicative of any mood. ((So what type of lips does she have? Wide? Thin? Upturned? Down turned? What does that mean, her lips are in a serious expression? What about the rest of her face? Eyelashes? Shape of eyebrows? Does she pluck and shape them or leave them natural? Does she wear make-up? What kind of cheekbones does she have?))

Jaime wears comfortable clothing, mainly jeans and T-shirts, some of which have a design on them from various science fiction franchises. ((This is lacking in detail. What type of jeans? Wide leg? Boot cut? Slim cut? Distressed? Acid washed? dark dyed? And all you’ve told me about is some of her shirts. What sci-fi franchises? The types of designs and what franchises tell us about the character. As a returning handler, you know that this section needs more information. Shoe information is required.))

Biography: Jaime Schanbacher was born on May 18 in Morristown, New Jersey. Her father is an insurance salesman and her mother is an alternative medicine pharmacist. ((What are her parents' names?)) She is the youngest of three - junior to sister Jennifer, who is fourteen years Jaime's senior, and John, who is eight years older. ((The wording about Jennifer is overly flowery when compared to John. Please make it more straightforward.))

When Jaime was in elementary school, she was quite shy, choosing to only talk to a couple other people in deep, serious relationships. ((Uh...how “deep and serious” are first and second grade relationships? Is it that this girl has trouble making friends, trouble keeping friends, or does she just choose not to have friends?)) She was good at most subjects, with the exception of math, and had a habit of getting into arguments with teachers due to her stubborn nature, finding reasons not to do things if she felt that there was no reason behind it. ((So this child with a stubborn nature who doesn't like to do things *she's* decided don't have good reasons to be done...how does that manifest at home? Because I've argued with many a small child about the necessity of baths, homework, bed time, eating veggies, etc. How often did her parents have to have meetings with her teachers and administrators due to her behavior? How does this affect their relationship?)) The main thing she loved to do in her free time was to hang out at a lake or pool and go swimming. ((So her parents are letting their under-12 child "hang out at a lake or pool" without their supervision? That is what sentence is implying. When did this kid learn to swim? Who taught her? What is it about swimming that she enjoys? Also, remember, you said she's very light complected because she's swimming indoors. There are no indoor lakes.)) This continued into middle school, where she also became interested in archery, which she learned through her father. ((Since this is the sole mention of the archery hobby, I'm going to need a lot more detail. What type of bow does she use? What's the draw weight? What type of archery does she do? What is it about archery that appeals to her? Given that she doesn't like to do things she doesn't agree with/like and argues it, how has this affected her archery lessons? Does she compete? How often does she go shooting? Has she ever had any other instructor/coach besides her father?))

When Jaime was in seventh grade, her grandmother got ((had or suffered, not ‘got’ )) a stroke. While she survived, it left her disabled. The family therefore moved to Kingman over the summer, as Jaime's father had been looking for a new job, and took a well paying job in nearby Bullhead City. ((Why did the family move to Kingman? There’s no mention of Grandma No-name being in Arizona, let alone Kingman. For all we know, she could be living in Paramus, NJ. Also, who’s mother is this? Maternal grandmother or paternal grandmother? Does Grandma live with the Schanbachers or in her own home where the family drops in to care/check on her? Is she in some kind of care community? What's Jamie's relationship like with Grandma No-Name? How did Jamie feel about the move? There’s no mention of either. Did the sister and brother come too or do they live somewhere else?)) When Jaime was tested, she did well enough on the test to skip eighth grade and move directly into ninth grade.

((Okay, as a junior high teacher IRL, I'm going to stop you right here. I have several questions/concerns about this sentence.

First, what testing are you referring to? Standardized testing? Placement testing? I don't understand what testing you are talking about.

Second, why was this girl skipped a grade? Who requested this? She came across the country in time to start a new school year and *someone* just decided to send an 8th grader to high school? Since first grade, this student has a record full of incidents of her being defiant and obstinate in class. This child appears to lack the appropriate emotional and social development to flourish and thrive in high school and is without a history of Gifted education or anything else to suggest above-average intelligence which would be needed to succeed. Who decided this was a good idea?

Third, why did her parents approve of this? They would have to approve this because there's no way to do this without parental consent. The school district can't make arbitrary choices of that magnitude without parental involvement. Not to mention the fact that if she "tested" into high school, that means the school year has already started. She had to have started as an 8th grader and, at some point, was then removed from the junior high and enrolled into the high school.

Fourth, how does the fact that she skipped a year's worth of learning effect her? There's science and history concepts she'll miss not doing 8th that are not covered in any shape or form in high school. Also, if she's never been good at math, why was she skipped a year in math? Most 8th graders take algebra, which is the foundation of almost all later math in high school. ))


When Jaime started high school at Cochise, she fell in with the music lovers and the funny people, with whom she fell in due to her wit, sarcasm, snark, and opinionated nature. ((Earlier in the profile, it was stated that Jamie was very shy and chose only to talk to a very select few. What changed between elementary and high school that brought all these new friendships about?)) She hung out with them mostly during school hours and on the weekends, as during the week, she had to, on top of her schoolwork, take care of her grandmother, who suffered from limited mobility. ((What's Jamie doing for Grandma? Cook meals? Provide companionship? Help with her hygiene and grooming? How does Jamie feel about this arrangement? I need more details/information, especially since you try to use this as the basis for an Advantage later.)) During the week, whenever she had free time, she would draw various pictures in a sketchbook - mostly based off photographs or whatever she saw outside, ((What’s her medium? Charcoal? Graphite? Ink? Watercolor pencil? Who are her influences? How did she learn to draw? How long has she been drawing? How good is she? What is it about still life that she likes best? This is lacking in details. Also, her hobby/interest is listed as "Art", not drawing. Please fix this so that we don't have the super broad interest in art since, literally, the only thing you even vaguely mention is two sentences about her drawing over the course of the whole profile.)) or play various video games on her PlayStation 4. ((I'm assuming this is her gaming interest. This needs a LOT more fleshing out. What games? How long has she been gaming? Favorite games? Who does she play with? How'd she get into gaming? How good is she? You know the drill.)) In school, she did well in most of her subjects, with the exception of math. ((Where does she struggle in math? Did her family get her tutors?)) Like in grade school and middle school, she had issues with teachers that were disrespectful to her or enforced unreasonable rules, and would stubbornly argue them until the teacher either dropped the issue or punished her further, especially doing so in classes she was doing well in. ((So since she's doing well in pretty much every class except for math, she's having issues in every class except for math? How was she punished further? How was she punished the first time? To be honest, as a teacher, eventually if a student fights me too often, I'm going to stop arguing and just keep the discipline forms pre-filled out and on hand. Also, I'm going to consistently report your conduct as Unsatisfactory or Failing, depending on the system the school uses. You get kicked off a trip, activity, or extracurricular for your Unsat, sucks to be you, junior. If she gets detention or suspended for defiance/classroom disruption too often, it would negate her going on the trip.))

Currently, Jaime gets a high B or low A academically, with the exception of math, where she gets a C grade on average. At school, the only extracurricular activity she performs is with the archery club, which she does during school hours. ((Most athletics-based "clubs" at school can't operate during regular school hours because the PE classes would be using the areas/facilities/equipment that the club would need to practice. Please really reconsider this phrasing for your edits.)) When she has free time, she is hanging out with her friends, and tries to go swimming when she can. ((This is only the second sentence about swimming in the whole profile. The first one has her swimming in lakes and pools as an elementary student. This one has her swimming "when she can". I'm assuming then she is not a competitive swimmer. I'd like that clarified as well as much more information about her swimming hobby. Where does she swim? Why does she swim? How has her interest in swimming evolved since her time in elementary? If it hasn't, why has it stayed the same?)) Her relationship with her parents is somewhat rocky due to teenage rebellion, ((How is it rocky? Do they fight? Does she sneak out, disobey curfew? PROVIDE DETAILS.)) and she isn't very close to her siblings given the age difference between them. Given her abilities and interests, she wants to become a nurse. ((What. This really comes out of nowhere. How do swimming, gaming, archery, and drawing lend themselves to nursing? Plus, she sucks at math. Math is extremely vital skill in nursing. Where did this interest in nursing come from? Also, how is her stubbornness going to effect this career choice? What happens when she runs into protocols, methods, and people that she thinks are wrong? Lots and lots of elaboration and explanation are required here.))

Advantages: Due to taking care of her grandmother, Jaime is relatively self-sufficient. She is also intelligent and quite adaptable. ((I'm failing to see how caring for one elderly lady (which rated ONE WHOLE SENTENCE in the profile) equates into "self-sufficient". And given what you've told me about her stubborn behavior and loner personality, "adaptable" is NOT a word I would use to describe Jamie. You are going to need to go back to the drawing board with these advantages.))
Disadvantages: Her small size means that she is not going to be very strong or tough. ((Nope. Doesn't fly. There are women her height and weight combo who are professional MMA fighters. Being short in stature doesn't equal a lack of strength. Let alone that she's an archer and a swimmer. Nope. Doesn't work. Come up with something else.)) Her mouth and stubbornness could get her into trouble with an attacker that might otherwise leave her alone.


Well, that concludes this round of critique. Once you've gone back and added all the necessary detail and information that as a returning handler and veteran of multiple versions you knew needed to be here, drop a reply in this thread and I'll be happy to go back and give Jamie another going over.
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BetaKnight
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Jaime is still DENIED pending revision.

There are several questions that I have previous asked that still have not been addressed. I'll repost them here for you and make them green. New questions are in yellow. Here they are, section by section and in order of appearance:

APPEARANCE: What about the rest of her face? Eyelashes? Shape of eyebrows? Does she pluck and shape them or leave them natural? Does she wear make-up? What kind of cheekbones does she have?

BIOGRAPHY: Why is Jaime bad at math? Especially for what appears to be literally her whole life. Is she confused by it? Does she have poor number sense? Since this is a life-long issue, I'd like to see it fleshed out more. How does she feel about her math abilities? What has been done to address her deficits in this area?

So this child with a stubborn nature who doesn't like to do things *she's* decided don't have good reasons to be done...how does that manifest at home? Because I've argued with many a small child about the necessity of baths, homework, bed time, eating veggies, etc. How often did her parents have to have meetings with her teachers and administrators due to her behavior? How does this affect their relationship?

If the most extreme example of Jaime's argumentative nature is that she got detention ONE TIME but she still achieved EXACTLY what she wanted, what do you mean by she "occasionally" flouts the rules and "occasionally risk facing harsher punishments"? Wouldn't achieving her goal reinforce this behavior in her, not diminish it?

The entire hobbies/interests set Jaime has is problematic because they are still extremely underdeveloped. I asked questions and you still haven't answered them. When did this kid learn to swim? Who taught her?

What’s her medium? Charcoal? Graphite? Ink? Watercolor pencil? Who are her influences? How did she learn to draw? How long has she been drawing? How good is she? What is it about still life that she likes best? This is lacking in details.

I'm assuming this is her gaming interest. This needs a LOT more fleshing out. What games? How long has she been gaming? Favorite games? Who does she play with? How'd she get into gaming? How good is she? You know the drill.
You partially answered these by telling me Jamie has a ps3 she plays Assassin's Creed, Bio-Shock, and The Elder Scrolls all before she was in middle school. Every one of those games is rated M. How did little Jaime, who still isn't old enough to buy her own rated M games at 16, get these games? How often does she game? How long is an average gaming session for her? Also, please bring this up to the present time since there's no mention of what system Jaime is currently using or her current favorite games.

"She would shoot at targets in her backyard and at the nearest range during the colder months under supervision, where she would relax, take her time and concentrate when shooting off arrows." So is she a Zen archer? I mean, don't most archers relax, concentrate, and take their time when shooting? Is she still sharing a bow with her dad?

Previous asked about her archery hobby: What type of bow does she use? What's the draw weight? What type of archery does she do? What is it about archery that appeals to her? Given that she doesn't like to do things she doesn't agree with/like and argues it, how has this affected her archery lessons? Does she compete? How often does she go shooting? Has she ever had any other instructor/coach besides her father?

Jaime's parents moved her across country, into Grandma's house, AND Jaime has to help take care of stricken Grandma and her feelings on the subject are.....? To move across country is a big deal. She must have had some thoughts on leaving behind her brother, sister, friends, and everything she knows. I'd like to know about those thoughts. Oh, wait. I did ask that.... " What's Jamie's relationship like with Grandma No-Name? How did Jamie feel about the move? There’s no mention of either."

"When Jaime started high school at Cochise, she fell in with a small group of music lovers, due to her wit, sarcasm, snark, and opinionated nature." While not a problem, I'm very curious how Jaime who draws for fun "fell in" with music lovers based on the above listed qualities. What do these kids have in common that was the mutual bonding point?

"Like in grade school and middle school, she had issues with teachers that were disrespectful or enforced unreasonable rules, and would argue them until the teacher, however she was able to restrain herself more than when she was in elementary school, and would attempt to be more respectful to the teachers in question, have satisfactory reasoning or evidence, or bring up the problem to her parents if that failed."

I'm a little unclear about this section, especially since we have discussed it in PM. Even if Jaime has reasons that she thinks are good, the rules are the rules. I'm curious to know how often she's arguing with teachers. Even respectfully, is this a daily occurrence? Weekly? Once a month? How argumentative is the kid? What is her goal in arguing with school authority figures? As I have previously pointed out, "I'm going to consistently report your conduct as Unsatisfactory or Failing, depending on the system the school uses. You get kicked off a trip, activity, or extracurricular for your Unsat, sucks to be you, junior. If she gets detention or suspended for defiance/classroom disruption too often, it would negate her going on the trip." So the frequency with which she argues does matter.

Her swimming is still super sparse. "The main thing she loved to do in her free time was to go to a lake or pool and go swimming when she could get her parents to go with her on the weekends. She was always drawn to the water and how it felt when she dove in" is from when she was in elementary. Currently, her whole interest in it is, "When she has free time, she is hanging out with her friends, and tries to go swimming at the local pool when she can." That's all she enjoys/finds interesting about swimming? Not that there are a lot of people to hang out with at the pool? Not that it makes her feel free or weightless or is great exercise or helps her unwind while she floats about? Does she have to go to the pool with Granny as a part of Granny's physical therapy?

For EACH of Jaime's hobbies, there should be a full paragraph devoted to it. So far, not a one of her hobbies/interests has rated more than three sentences. That is unacceptable and needs to be rectified. They all need to be current as well. The vast majority are explained in childhood with a nominal "Oh, she still likes that" to make it current. Even if you have a hobby as a six year old, you probably don't enjoy it EXACTLY THE SAME WAY if you are still doing it at sixteen. Please show some growth and evolution as to why she's still involved with these hobbies and what it is about them NOW that she finds enjoyable enough to invest her very limited free time in.


Her relationship with her parents is somewhat rocky due to teenage rebellion, as she somewhat isolates herself from them, and she isn't very close to her siblings given the age difference between them. Her dad is her archery coach. How rocky and isolated can their relationship be? I previously asked, "How is it rocky? Do they fight? Does she sneak out, disobey curfew? PROVIDE DETAILS." Is she as argumentative at home as she is at school? Is she argumentative with her friends? How does her stubborn nature affect her relationships with her peers? It is a defining characteristic of the character so I'm going to need more information about it so handlers can better understand how to interact with the character.

Advantages:
Advantages: Due to taking care of her grandmother, Jaime is relatively self-sufficient. She is also quite patient, owing to her practice in archery, and she has good endurance from swimming.

As previously stated in the last critique, I'm failing to see how caring for one elderly lady (which rated ONE WHOLE SENTENCE in the profile) equates into "self-sufficient". I really don't see how Jaime cooking for her grandma and helping her get around translates into skills that would enhance her chances of survival on the island. This is going to need a lot more elaboration in the biography if you want to keep this. Also, what endurance from swimming? Her swimming sounds extremely infrequent so I'm not seeing how it would contribute to Jaime having a better stamina than most people. As for patience...I would like to see some examples of where she is exhibiting patience outside of archery for that to be island applicable.

Disadvantages: Her mouth and stubbornness could get her into trouble with an attacker that might otherwise leave her alone. How much patience can this girl be showing if the biggest risk to her life is her mouth and stubbornness? The Advantage and Disadvantage are in direct conflict.

Once you've gone back and added all the necessary detail and information that as a returning handler and veteran of multiple versions you knew needed to be here, drop a reply in this thread and I'll be happy to go back and give Jamie another going over.
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