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Riley Quinn
Topic Started: Jul 6 2015, 07:54 PM (547 Views)
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Hey MSO, Riley is a good start so far but she's Denied pending some changes.

and Riley actually legitimately won against both of them
You don't need to use both actually and legitimately here, also she beat both her parents when she was four? When her parents were trying to win? That seems doubtful.

Why does Riley enjoy soccer exactly? Is it just because she's good at it or are there other reasons?

who much preferred to play with dolls and kitchen sets rather than with soccer balls and video games.
This is the first mention of Riley enjoying video games and since this is in her hobbies and interests it needs to be included in much more detail as the hobbies and interests section is for the things that your character enjoys to do above everything else.

Why did she decide join the band and why did she pick clarinet? This is the first instance of her interest in music being brought up as well so more detail will be needed.

Why does she enjoy horror movies? She doesn't get scared by them so there must be another reason. Again more detail is needed here.

In 8th grade, Riley decided to try taking an archery course after her gym class briefly touched on the subject. She was decent at the sport, but it never replaced soccer as her favorite.
Again more detail is needed, why does she like archery? It's also a sport that needs a good level of commitment to be good at so does she practice at all? If so when and where?

Her father also began taking her to a local shooting range to learn to shoot a gun, so she could learn to defend herself, as he put it.
I'm going to have to ask you to slow down here. This is a major advantage to take into Survival of the Fittest, since guns are given out. So I'd expect much more detail and explanation beyond what is given here. Because as it is it looks like both archery and her being taught to shoot were just thrown in so that Riley could have them in her advantages. So I'd like to ask for a lot more detail on both of these things.

Riley began attending Cochetta High School
Cochise High School.

She performed decently in her English classes, and gained a fondness for classic literature, Shakespeare becoming her favorite.

She also did well in history class, where she determined that her favorite time period to study was WWII and the Holocaust.
Why did she enjoy this time period?

and other silly little cheap things
This is too informal for a profile. Profiles are written by a terrorist in-universe so as a result they should be kept to a somewhat formal style.

Riley's advantages and disadvantages need some major expansion. The reasoning for them is good but you'll also want to include how they will be helpful/unhelpful on the island.

Basically the one main issue with Riley's profile right now is a lack of detail for why she enjoys her hobbies and why she does them. So I'd suggest reading through the profile and asking yourself why she likes what she likes etc.

Anyway once you've done that and made the changes I've asked for post here and I'll give her another look over. Also if you have any questions feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to answer them.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
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