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Michael Crowe; First character app ever, lets hope I do good.
Topic Started: Jun 27 2015, 07:39 PM (808 Views)
Ruggahissy
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Welcome, welcome. I am Ruggahissy, I am your moderator for this profile. Apologies for the lateness here. Now before we start I've already read through the whole profile and written this critique so this first section is going to be stuff that I notice are issues that come up a lot during the profile.


Run on sentences: Try reading the profile aloud. If you can't read the sentence in one breath, it's too long. Also if a sentence has a comma between two independent clauses which could be sentences on their own, use a ; and not a , .

Tonal issues: These profiles are written from the point of view of an impartial, bored terrorist who doesn't care particularly about your child or the things that happen to him. The profile should have the formality of office paper work. Don't put in anything you wouldn't put in for a school essay.

On to the thing.


Appearance:

"He is moderate built muscularly,"

I think I know what you're saying here, but it's a little confusing. Is there are simpler way to say this?

"up Short sleeve"

"Short" does not need to be capitalized.

"Harley Davidson Shirts"

No need to capitalize "shirts" here.

"with his iconic leather bikers jacket, a patch on the back with a playing card spade, and a skeleton in a biker getup tipping a top hat inside of said spade."

Again, I know what you mean, but I think adding "with" before "a patch" will help readers so we know right away there's a patch on the jacket.

Otherwise: great job. Description can be rough, but I feel like I could make a police sketch from this one. Onwards.


Biography:

"Michael Crowe was born in November tenth, nineteen ninety six, "

It would help again for the ease of readers to put these into numerals.

"Cincinatti Ohio"

Comma before "Ohio."

"Joel Crowe was a 'Nam Air Force veteran, currently working as a Truck Driver for BP"

The terrorists are somewhat formal and the ones writing up these profiles. For formality, let's change "'Nam" to "Vietnam" and "BP" to British Petroleum, at least on the first reference. Also "truck driver" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Mary Crowe, was a bus driver"

If she's still a bus driver this would be "Mary Crowe, a bus driver" rather than "was."

"half sister"

Should be "half-sister." Same for "half-brother" later in the same sentence.

"Michael's Dad"

Dad doesn't need to be capitalized.

"also being well off financially"

This is a bit weird considering we're talking about a baby. Might be more accurate to say the family is well-off financially. Also "well-off" needs a hyphen.

"Kingston Tennesee"

Comma between Kingston and Tennessee. Also "Tennessee" is spelled wrong.

- "Kerbella Shrine" is spelled wrong. Should be "Kerbela Shrine"

"Michael made friends, had people visit to play videogames with him, did alright socialization wise"

Socialization-wise would need a hyphen, but that's not really fitting with the tone anyway. Probably better to say that Michael makes friends easily, has friends over to play video games and socializes well.

Also: video games is two words.

"The Sopranos with his family, and on occasional nights, watch horror flicks "

"The Sopranos" should be in quotations and "horror flicks" is a bit casual. Probably should go with "horror movies" instead.

"Sci-Fi channel."

So, if you're just talking about science fiction in general, sci-fi is fine, but not capitalized. If we're talking about the channel on TV, they changed the name of the channel a few years ago and now it's the "Syfy channel." Stupid spelling, but if he's watching that channel, that's what it was renamed as in 2009 so that's what it would be.

"and well versed in reality for his age"

The wording here is a bit strange. Well-veresed would indicate someone has a lot of knowledge on a topic or a skill. I think this would be better worded as having a solid grasp of reality vs. fiction. Also not that it matters since I'm asking for it to be removed but well-versed has a hyphen.

"allowed him to watch it.Occasionally"

Need a space between the period and the start of the next sentence.

".Occasionally he'll get caught in class talking about some of the scenes, and teachers would frequently call his parents up worried, while his parents just considered it being a kid, they limited him to only watching them on the weekends, which after a while due to multiple re-runs, got Michael uninterested in it."

Holy sentence, Batman. This is a long one and could do with some breaking up into smaller sentences. That aside, "reruns" does not need a hyphen.

" Kingston Elementary was an alright place, except for his second and fourth grade teachers, who made his life hell. On top of that, kids would make fun of Michael due to his speech impediment, and while it didn't get to him at first he quickly went back into his bullying phase, pushing away the few friends he had."

Here we have a few more instances of informal tone. Things like "an alright place" and "made his life hell." Were kids not making fun of his speech impediment before? Did his parents consider speech therapy? Where does the impediment come from? Also I feel like this is the first time we've heard about him being a bully. Last I remember he was just not very good at sharing. How does he bully kids and does he ever get into trouble? What do his parents think of this? How does this affect his invitations to kids to come over to his house and play video games?

"Middle school is when it got rough"

Too informal.

"Around the time kids were talking about more mature subjects and puberty began hitting, where half of the kids were horny as all hell and the other half tried to act like they were, kids were talking about which girl they'd like to make out with or bang,"

Too informal.

- I just realized this now: Michael was born in Ohio, but in elementary school he's in Kingman. When did they move and why? I just noticed that your kid's family moved to Kinston, Tennessee.

" Michael had the rotten luck of mentioning why it'd have to be a girl in a conservative southern town. Immediately, by everyone's reactions he realized his speech impediment would be the least of his worries."

So Tennessee is fairly conservative and also a Southern state, so it seems pretty strange that anyone would make fun of him for wanting a conservative Southern girl.

Additionally: if he's been going to school in Kingston since elementary school these are people who have known him and know about his speech impediment for years. Why would it start being an issue now? If it is an issue, it would be something he's been made fun of for years and years.

"Michael didn't understand why, he's seen adults do that sort of thing, it didn't matter to him much, he was confused. "

I'm a bit confused here. What is it that he's seen adults do?

"Why was it a problem? Guys loving each other should be better off anyways, they'd understand each other better. "

Too informal. No questions within the profile. If you're giving us insight into the character's thoughts then they should be labeled as such. Like "Michael thought..." ect.

"Him and his friends turned around "

This should be "He and his friends"

" Three on one never ended well. "

Too informal. Should be removed, but even if it stayed "three" does not need to be capitalized and "three-on-one" needs hyphens.

"He didn't tell his parents what he said for people to call him a faggot, and acted as though it was just random spite. It grated on him like a meat grinder, and it began taking it's toll on his self worth. "

- It really does appear to be random spite since he's not done anything to indicate he's gay. He has the lisp, but it's not mentioned as the reason that the other kids assumed he was gay. Might be interesting if that were the case and that makes the most sense. Meat grinders don't grate and the metaphor is too colorful for the drab tone, so go ahead and remove it. Lastly, "self-worth" needs a hyphen.

The paragraph starting with "Middle school" is massive. Try breaking it up into smaller paragraphs for easier reading.

"The bullying continued, and Michael stopped leaving the house, did nothing but played videogames, as it was the only escape he had besides watching the sopranos, the unhealthy effects got to him, he gained weight, and his hair grew out, to around mid-back level."

So the school hasn't done anything? His parents haven't done anything? Any reason why? Also, he needs to leave the house to go to school. Again, "video games" is two words, "The Sopranos" need quotes and to be capitalized and the sentence could use to be broken up into at least two sentences.

"His dad took him to Tae Kwon Do classes, as well as signing him up for the wrestling team."

Should be "and signed him up" since this is in the past.

"One day on the ride home from school, one kid kept pestering Michael, up until the part he hit him, Michael waited until the kid turned to leave, before wrapping his elbow and arm around the kid's neck, and nearly choking him out."

This doesn't sound right since martial arts puts a heavy emphasis on only using enough force to safely leave a situation. Also I was only ever a yellow belt in taekwondo, but a choke hold doesn't seem like something from this particular martial art since it's predominantly kick-based. Will check with our resident MMA staffer on this though.

- Also I assumed for some reason this was happening while Michael was riding a bike home. i didn't know until a few sentences later this had happened on a bus. Where the heck is the bus driver in all this? These kids should be in huge trouble, Michael especially.

" Michael was satisfied that day, certain nothing could stop him, he was invincible. Then came the very next day, the kid's older brother paid Michael a visit on the bus. Michael was only in the sixth grade, the kid's brother, the ninth. After various threats of killing Michael's pets to sexually assaulting his mom, Michael tried to stab at the ninth grader with a pencil. Michael was knocked senseless, given a contusion, half-golf ball sized bruises on his forehead and face, as well as two large cuts on his brow, humbling him. Michael was taken to the hospital right after coming home to take a CAT scan, and luckily he had no brain damage. Michael's parents went to press charges against the school, but due to the bus tape getting mysteriously deleted, they had to cancel it. At this point they decided to move, goodbye Kingston and good riddance."

Way too much detail. I don't care about most of this. This can be summed up with "The next day the boy's brother threatened Michael on the bus. He tried to stab him with a pencil, a scuffle ensued and Michael was badly injured."

Michael's parents should be considering suing the school and pressing charges against the boy. School busses don't typically have video tapes and there should have been roughly 30 witnesses to the event anyway since it's a bus full of kids. I'll check on all this stuff too with our resident staff school teacher.

"goodbye Kingston and good riddance."

Informal, remove.

"Around Summer break, Michael made it to Kingman Arizona."

Summer doesn't need to be capitalized. You need a comma between Kingman and Arizona. Also, why Kingman? Seems random. It's not close to his old town, not even in the same state.

"hillbilly hellhole known as Kingston Tennessee."

Informal. Also need a comma between Kingston and Tennessee.

"no mentioning of liking boys"

When had he ever mentioned that before? Is he actually gay?

" he's got a fresh start.He"

He "had" a fresh start; this is in the past. Also need a spar between the period and "He."

" peers.He "

Space after period before new sentence.

"making talk about how great it looked,"

Making talk?

"and even till today, people think Mike's a Jersey boy."

Should be "even until today people think..."

"People tried bullying Michael, and Michael retaliated, fighting back whenever possible. Eventually the fighting dragged Michael to become a bully himself "

Why are they bullying him? Has he learned nothing from the past times he's fought back? If he is being bullied why does he become a bully and who does he pick on?

"As school dragged on, Michael found himself and his friends, doing his best to treat them as well as possible, while going out of his way to make his enemies' lives a living hell."

We actually just heard this information. In the previous paragraph is said he'd made friends and enemies, so this is just redundant.

"giving it however he wouldn't take shit lying down."

No swearing in the profile. The terrorists don't care enough to be that invested.

"It this point, Michael became desensitized to bullying, simply considering it a part of everyday life, both in receiving it and giving it however he wouldn't take shit lying down. It was rather common for Michael to walk home covered in bruises from a bathroom fight right after school."

His parents aren't concerned about this? It seem like he moved all the way to Arizona, but not much has changed.

"His mind was always full of thoughts, and as he came together and learned more about himself, a few thoughts in the back of his head came back. They were short and Michael held them back, but eventually he couldn't do so anymore. As he went on the thoughts in the back of his head rationalized, and eventually the secret he was hiding all his life would have to come out. Despite his attempts of holding it in the back of his head, Michael knew it. He was gay, and while he was afraid at first, he slowly came to terms with it. Eventually he came out to his friends and anyone that would listen, but continues today to hide it from his parents due to their more conservative beliefs. It came as a surprise to the majority, but eventually it just became Michael. Despite his current hardships, and the hardships he faced as a child, he'd decide to move forward, the past was over, done and nothing could be done."

This is another area of a lot of words that can be parred down to be more succinct (this is my journalism background peeking in). Basically this is a long paragraph that says he thought about it long and hard, analyzed his emotions and came to the conclusion that he was in fact, gay.

It seems like he's accepting of this very very quickly even though it's been a source of pain, shame and conflict for most of his life. What made him realize this? How long did it take for him to come out to people? Did this make a difference in his bullying? How do his parents feel?

"it would grow on Michael. "

Past tense. It grew on Michael.

- There should only be one space between the motorcycle paragraph and the one starting with "Michael is typically happy go lucky."

- Speaking of: "happy-go-lucky" needs hyphens. Also this paragraph is another monster that could stand to be broken up into two smaller paragraphs.

"Michael's typically happy go lucky, with a slight amount of a fatalist view on things, whatever happens will happen. "

Replace the comma after "things" with a semi-colon. Any time you join two independent clauses that can stand on their own, use a semi-colon. It happens quite a bit in the bio.

" Non-existent "

Nonexistent doesn't need to be capitalized and can be made into one word, "nonexistent."

" and a lot of his jokes either come off as way too soon, or way too racist. "

This is odd phrasing. I think what you're saying is that he makes offensive and politically incorrect jokes. Has this ever gotten him into trouble before now?

"claim he's bullshitting, he also has a distaste for people using him."

No swearing, needs a semi-colon.

" on the chopping block"

Informal.

"t's not uncommon for him to take his closest friends out on trips to Universals in LA for a couple of days or for a day at the beach,"

Universals should be Universal Studios. Also, why Universal Studios specifically? There are a lot of places to go in LA (holler, I happen to be raised in LA)

" but on occasion taking his dad's truck when there's too many people"

"There's" is a contraction for "There is." So this would be "when there is too many people." Should be "there are."

"than the crappy dime a dozen ghost movies paranormal what sits"

Informal


ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES

Advantages:

"His ability to ride a motorcycle is moderate and gives him good reflexes on the road. "

Not a helpful advantage since there won't be any driving or roads or motorcycles to worry about.

"He's a good con-artist at times, spending his entire life making up a completely different life than the one he actually had"

Con artist feels like a bit of an overstatement. I'd probably just say he's a habitual liar, and lying is indeed an advantage.

Disadvantages:

"His fighting skills aren't up to par as many of the other students however."

Most of the other kids have no training in fighting. He's already got that on them.

"and while he can easily take a few people one on one, he can also be easily be outmaneuvered and taken down."

I don't think most of the students could take more than one person, if that.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This is the first round of edits. This one was mostly trying to clean up a lot of the grammar and style and the next round will go a little more into the character. It's not a bad base though and you clearly have an understanding of the kind of character that goes into the game.

Post when the edits are made and we'll have another look!
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Ruggahissy
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A million apologies, I was out for a week with a bit of an emergency. Promise one day turn-arounds from now on so we can bang this one out. Thanks for your patience ^_^;

" but has a bit of pudge around his midsection."

I know what you mean, but "pudge" isn't actually a word.

"He has grey-blue almond shaped eyes"

Should be almond-shaped

"and heart shaped"

heart-shaped

"in a biker getup tipping"

get-up

Bio

Rugga from the past~

"Cincinatti Ohio"

Comma before "Ohio."

~

Comma between cities and states. Cincinnati, Ohio.


Rugga from the past~

Joel Crowe was a 'Nam Air Force veteran, currently working as a Truck Driver for BP"

Also "truck driver" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Mary Crowe, was a bus driver"

If she's still a bus driver this would be "Mary Crowe, a bus driver" rather than "was." ~

Question that me-from-last-week asked is still in effect. Is she a bus driver still?

Rugga from the past~

"also being well off financially"

Also "well-off" needs a hyphen. ~

"father's truck driving job ended up taking him to Kingston, Tennessee."

Probably would be more accurate to say "taking them" since presumably the whole family moved.

"They were able to live a good lifestyle, despite having a small home, they had enough to buy what they wanted or needed, and never really needed to worry."

This is one of those run-ons. This would read much better if you put a period after "home." "They were able to live a good lifestyle despite having a small home. They had enough to buy what they wanted or needed and never really needed to worry."


"but seeing as he was happy with it, as he had a good grasp in reality for his age,"

I think something got botched here in the edit.

"scenes.Teachers frequenly called home worried about his behavior while his parents just considered it being a kid."

Space between the period and "Teachers." Also I'd like a little more elaboration on what the parents thought here, something about his good handle on reality and why they consider it ok for children to watch violent programming.


"but once he made it to second grade, things taken a downturn. "

I think you wanted "things took a downturn."

"While Michael made friends easily, he also made enemies just as quick, his speech impediment grated on some of his peers, as well as the fact that he got into arguments often."

Another very long sentence. Put down a period after "quick." It'll read "While Michael made friends easily, he also made enemies just as quickly. His speech impediment grated on some of his peers, as well as the fact that he got into arguments often."

"Eventually peer pressure steps in,"

Should be in the past tense: "stepped in"

"ore people were against Michael, normally using his speech impediment to get to him. Because of this, Michael become more aggressive and started to become a bully himself, which caused him to get into trouble often, and a good amount of his friends left him as well."

^ Great. I have a reason why kids are picking on him (his speech problems), the way it affected him and it explains why he's a bully and why he's not well liked. This is a good section, narratively speaking.


"Around the time kids were talking about more mature subjects When students were talking about their dreams and dates, Michael had the rotten luck of mentioning why he'd have to be with a girl, and not a boy in a conservative southern town. Immediately, by everyone's reactions he realized his speech impediment would be the least of his worries. The dreaded "Faggot" became his new nickname and the bullying got significantly worse. Michael didn't understand why, he's seen adults do that sort of thing, it didn't matter to him much, he was confused.Michael didn't see why was it a problem. In his mind guys loving each other should be better off anyways, they'd understand each other better."

This section has a lot of grammar and narrative issues. He says he wants a GIRL so why are his classmates calling him gay?

Also what is it that he's seen adults do?


"upon walking out at the end of class, Michael repeatedly kicked the kid in the back of his leg. He and his friends turned around and made short work of Michael."

Are they still at school for this? If so, teachers are going to come break this up fast.

" it wasn't something you can just treat as normal."

No second person in profiles. So no "you"

"He didn't tell his parents what he said for people to call him a faggot, and acted as though it was just random spite."

Again, his great sin was telling people he wanted to date a girl.

"began taking it's toll "

Should be "its." It's is the contraction for "it is"

"did nothing but played videogames"

Video games is two words.

"The unhealthy effects got to him, he gained weight, and his hair grew out, and it was safe to say he wasn't doing to well."

Unhealthy effects of what? Also the last bit is a bit informal. We can draw from the information that he's doing poorly.

"The school tried at times to help Michael, but it was only a half-hearted effort, and in the end accomplished nothing."

How did the school try to help and why didn't it work?

"His parents did what they could to help him, but they couldn't get to him."

How did the parents try to help and why didn't work? It seemed like self-defense classes helped a bit, which were his father's doing.

"However, he stood with Tae Kwon Do"

Stood doesn't seem like the right word here.

"One day on the bus ride home from school, one kid kept pestering Michael, up until the part he hit him, Michael fought back until the kid turned to leave, before wrapping his elbow and arm around the kid's neck and nearly choking him out. The kid avoided Michael for the rest of the ride home, not even looking at him. Michael was satisfied that day, certain nothing could stop him, he was invincible. Then came the very next day, the kid's older brother paid Michael a visit on the bus. A fight ensued involving Michael trying to stab the older brother with a pencil, before getting badly injured. Michael's parents tried to press charges, but were worried that about the financial challenge that would happen if they did. They instead opted to move out from Kingston, Tennessee to Kingman, Arizona."

I got an answer on this from both the MMA expert on staff and the high school teacher on staff which were as follows:

Re Taekwondo: "That's not right for taekwondo and he also wouldn't have been able to choke him from behind like that. Which is besides the point because martial arts teach leaving the situation and this sounds like he was jumping the kid from behind.

Re school things from our teacher: "Why is this sixth grader on a bus with a high school student? There's a reason kids are kept separate, because of things like this. Elementary kids ride with other elementary kids (or K-8 rides together if the school is K-8). Junior High rides with Junior High. High schoolers ride with high schoolers. These schools don't even start and end at the same times. Why are these kids on the bus together?

Having been in a fight at school and now in charge of breaking up fights at school, I know that the family could press assault and battery charges on the ninth grader for putting hands on their kid. I don't know that they have any "charges" they could have pressed against the school. They could try suing the school for medical fees, I guess? Depending on the amount, the school could pay to shut them up or the district might roll the dice and see how it pans out in court.

As for the tape, some districts have cameras on their buses. Some don't. It depends on the district. However, if there's a tape and it shows this kid doing something to this ninth grader and then the ninth grader responding, why would the district erase it as implied in that excerpt? It would actually do the district a favor to have it on tape since it would show that the district isn't liable for what happened to the kid, that the kid brought that on himself.

It would make way more sense (and solve our school difficulties) if this high schooler just jumped this sixth grader AFTER sixth grader got off the bus on his way home. Then there's no witnesses, it's a he-said, he-said, there's no mystery tape, and essentially the same thing happens in terms of history."


Thanks you two.


"They instead opted to move out from Kingston, Tennessee to Kingman, Arizona."

Is the dad retired? Did mom find a job in this new location? How did they come to the decision to move?

"Around Summer break, Michael made it to Kingman, Arizona. "

Can you give me a time frame for this? Like how old he is or what grade he's about to go into?

"So a haircut, new voice that hides his impediment well, no mentioning of liking boys, and he had got a fresh start.He had trouble getting to know people, and not many people spoke with him, so he decided to enhance himself more in the eyes of his peers.He made up a story"

Just establish someplace that he likes boys so that the readers understand it. I do get that he might be questioning his sexuality, but the mention of it previously in Tennessee is kind of confusing. Also, need a space between the period after "peers" and "He"

Rugga front he past~

"People tried bullying Michael, and Michael retaliated, fighting back whenever possible. Eventually the fighting dragged Michael to become a bully himself "

Why are they bullying him? Has he learned nothing from the past times he's fought back? If he is being bullied why does he become a bully and who does he pick on? ~


"While his parents were concerned, Michael told them not to worry due to the fact he can actually fight back now, and that he's still in a higher step up compared to Tennessee. He was legitimately happy in Arizona, the playing field was fair in his eyes. He was never jumped by groups any more, and his parents knew he was happy, so they allowed it. While his parents were Ok with him fighting, they told him not to constantly get sent home, because while he's at school, he should keep that first of his priorities. Michael's grades weren't special, being mostly B's and C's with the occasional D in math, but his parents always pushed him to do better, now that he'd gotten out of his stint. And on school, Michael was always full of thoughts."


His parents are ok with him fighting? I don't know anything about the parents so this seems really really weird. Why is he so happy if he's constantly fighting people? He jumped groups in the past?! That's really really bad and should land him at least in the police station in Tennessee. What stint has he gotten out of?


"He payed attention"

Should be "paid"

"He payed attention, and learned, but eventually some old thoughts from the back of his head came back, they were small, but Michael noticed them."

What does his learning have to do with being gay? If he was trying to use study to distract himself, you'd think his grades might be a bit better or that we'd have heard something about him studying a lot.

"motorcycle afficiando"

Should be "Aficionado"

"to get his liscense" and "getting his liscense"

These are misspelled and should be "license"

"Universals in LA"

Should still be "Universal Studios" and "Los Angeles"

"His upper middle-class background"

How exactly are they upper middle-class? His dad is a retired truck driver and his mom was a bus driver. These are blue collar, lower middle class jobs at best.

"He still visits his out of state"

Out-of-state

" watching many old fashioned slasher films"

Old-fashioned

"impersonation is top notch apparently."

top-notch



OK, big improvements here, especially with the tonal issues. We still have some grammar and spelling kinks to work out and some narrative things. Post when done!
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Ruggahissy
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Massive massive apologies again for the time. I've been busy with a new job, but the next edit will be coming by tomorrow and I'll include everything for changing so that hopefully you can get it on the next one and this can be done. I've been doing this somewhat in sections for fixing so that there aren't too many things to fix at once. Once again, total apologies, this was really awful of me.
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Ruggahissy
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" as he never shown any worry-some signs. "

should be worrisome

"Eventually peer pressure steps in,"

Should be stepped in. Past tense


Regarding the bus fight, how is out of school suspension different than regular suspension? Also it's a little confusing. I think what happened is he got on a fight on the bus, was losing, and then they both got off the bus and kept fighting. Is that right?

Now that a lot of the fiddly grammar and spelling stuff is out of the way there will be some thematic and content questions



- Why are his parents ok with him fighting in Arizona? Is he ever in trouble with the school for fighting?
- Did his parents ever try to get him therapy for the speech impediment before?
- How are they so well-off with such blue collar low income jobs?
- What is his general relationships with his parents?
- What's his mindset in bullying the Arizona kids? In Tennessee it was kind of a way to build a shell around himself from kids who he was pretty sure would hurt him one way or another. But he's new to Arizona. Also, how does it affect friendships in Arizona knowing that he's a bully?
- Does he have any goals for the future or what he'd like to do after high school?


AND THAT IS IT. Whoo boy, I am the worst staffer ever. Answer all those and I'll clear you for the game.

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Ruggahissy
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