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Ross Meade
Topic Started: Jun 4 2015, 11:11 PM (327 Views)
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Ross Meade is temporarily DENIED pending revision.

The current profile is a good starting platform but there's some areas that need more detail/information, some areas that need clarification, some places that are in direct conflict with other areas in the profile, and some grammar stuff that we need to talk about. Areas in need of attention will be highlighted in a color and my comments will be in green.

Hobbies and Interests: Video games (creating & playing), Reading, Swimming, Studying engineering and science, Building computers and electronics, & Surfing the Internet.

You don't need to capitalize the first word of every hobby/interest since none of them are proper nouns. Please remove the parenthetical notations as they are not permitted in profiles. Just add the text into the sentence. Also, many of these hobbies/interests are underdeveloped or never even mentioned but I'll get more into that later in the biography section.

Appearance: Ross weighs 161 pounds and stands at 5’9’’. He’s a bit on the pudgy side, but he keeps in shape otherwise by swimming. He’s caucasian, but especially maintains a tan, due to his job as a lifeguard. He has a relatively round face, but his unkempt reddish-brown hair usually obscures parts of it if he doesn’t bother to brush it. His nose is average, if a bit stubby. He has thin eyebrows above his hazel eyes. He looks perpetually exhausted, due to staying up for video games and Internet. He tends to walk with a bit of slouch, and prefers to dress in such a way where he can blend in with a crowd, go unnoticed. You’ll generally see him with a hoodie and jeans.

Caucasian is a proper noun and should be capitalized. According to the BMI, at 5'9" and 161, Ross is not in the overweight range and he's a swimmer so I'm really not clear how he's pudgy. Swimmers are known for their lean physiques. How long is Ross' hair since it's obscuring parts of his face? Please state a length and/or style so we can better picture him. Also, I would like a description of his mouth/lips for the same reason.

As for his clothing choices, given that Ross loves to stand out due to his intellect, why is he trying to be anonymous in his wardrobe choices? The way the sentence is worded, it sounds like Ross doesn't really want to wear hoodies and jeans but does so because he thinks that's what will make him blend in. Is that the case? What color hoodies does he favor or wear frequently? Does he wear baggy jeans or skinny jeans or plain old Levis or what? Also, Kingman is in the desert, which means you're looking at temperatures in the 90-100 degree range starting in late April and ending around the beginning of October. Why does this boy only wear hoodies and jeans? How has he avoided heatstroke during the summer months?

Biography: Spencer Meade and Katherine Rogers met in midwestern college. (The name of the college is proper noun and should be capitalized) He was an Education major, and she was a Business major. Both came from the Northern Arizona region, so they ended up spending a fair amount of time together as they traveled to college and back during breaks. The two began dating around Junior year. After graduating, Katherine returned to her hometown of Bullhead City to help with her family business. Spencer, looking for further education, and wanting to stay near his significant other, opted to move to Bullhead city, (capitalize) and attend a community college there. After living together for a few years, they got married.

Okay, wait. Spencer was at least a junior in college. Katherine for sure graduated because it's stated that she did. I'm going to assume Spencer graduated as well. Him attending a community college to further his education is problematic since community colleges offer lower division courses (hereafter referred to as LD). Since Spencer will eventually attain his Master's, enrolling in more LD will do nothing to advance his educational career since they won't count towards anything. I recommend dropping that part and just having him move to Bullhead City to be with Katherine.

Baby Ross Meade was born one year later. (Struck-thru stuff is redundant.) At the time, Spencer Meade was working in a local Elementary School. (No capitalization. Not a proper noun.) When Ross turned 7, his father was offered a job at one of the middle schools he was a student teacher with. At the time, Katherine’s father had died. To give her some room to breathe, and with (at) her insistence, Spencer took Ross with him to his new job in Southern Arizona.. (There are too many periods.) Ross was set up in the school system there. Every night, Ross would sit down with his dad and they’d do homework together. On the weekends, they would usually drive back down to their home in Arizona to make sure everything was fine at the homestead.

Spencer is a student teacher for way too long. Student teaching lasts about one year while a person attends a Teacher Education and Certification program. For him to still be a student teacher when Ross is seven makes no sense considering Spencer was working in an elementary school when Ross was born. Also, since he's working in both elementary and middle schools, I'd love to know what Spencer teaches since it seems to apply to Ross as well. The final sentence has two problems. It's very informal for a profile, referring to Bullhead City as "the homestead" and it implies that Spencer and Ross are not living in Arizona. Please edit that sentence accordingly.

Once the school year ended, Ross and his father returned to Arizona. While there during the summer, he found he had a knack for swimming. His parents signed him up for swim team, and he spent much of his summer either in the pool or at the pool talking with his friends. As a birthday gift, before he and his dad left for school again, his mother gave him a Game Boy Advance, along with a few games. Ross quickly fell in love with his new device, and it saw quite a bit of use over the years. As like the year before, Ross would go to school and do homework with his dad before bed. These study sessions helped instill a love for learning in Ross. During his free time, when he wasn’t having fun in the pool, he was in the libraries, or peppering his father with questions. During the school year, the pair made the occasional trip back to Arizona, but they rarely amounted to much, as Ross’ mother was extremely busy with her family’s company. Ross used the long trips there and back to bond with his dad. Once the school year was over, the two returned to Arizona. Ross’ mother was out of the house quite a lot, due to her work.

This whole section is full of issues. So do Spencer and Ross live in Arizona or not? Because in the previous section, you said they were in southern Arizona but multiple times in this section you mention them coming BACK to Arizona. I'm going to need you to clarify that. Where, exactly, do Ross and Spencer live when they are not in Bullhead City with Katherine?

Now, this is the basis for three of Ross' hobbies/interests and they're all underdeveloped. You mention that Ross has a "knack" for swimming. In what way does he have a knack? Since he's joining a team, I'd like to know what events he participates in at meets. I know lots of people how have a knack for something but don't enjoy that thing. so what is it about competitive club swimming that Ross enjoys? Does he like relays or does he do individual events? Also, to let your seven year old be at the pool unchaperoned seems very irresponsible of his parents.

What games did Ross get with the GBA his mother gave him? Does he ever get more games than these initial games? Why is he "in love" with this device? Since this is the start of his interest in playing and making video games there needs to be more information to flesh this out.

Ditto the reading hobby. "During his free time, when he wasn’t having fun in the pool, he was in the libraries, or peppering his father with questions." Do they have a pool at their house in Wherever? And if so, why did it take until Ross was seven to learn he was a good swimmer? Do you mean he went to libraries rather than was in them? What books is he picking out at the library? How well does he read? Does his dad read to him? Is this another bonding activity? I'd like more information.

This cycle continued for many years, but this type of travel put a large amount of strain on the parents’ relationship. Just after his 4th grade year, his parents divorced. Ross was upset by this development, and found his own method of escapism: hours on end, spent reading about science and history. He would end up staying with his dad during the school year, and staying with his mom during the summers. During the summers, he would swim with his team, help his mom in her shop, and continue studying programming. Ross’ father, during the summers, wound up doing some online classes, as he wanted to start teaching at a college level. Ross did not enjoy his summers, as his mother would often have to work late. He had little to do during that time, but he made the best of it. As time progressed, he would emotionally drift away from his mother.

First off, this cycle can't have continued for many years. This move-and-return system began when Ross was 7, which, according to the timeline established in this profile, means it went on for three years. Three is not many. Please elaborate on why this is so upsetting to Ross because it doesn't seem like anything has really changed in his life.

Also, it is stated that he is continuing to study programming. When did he start studying programming? There is no mention of him starting this interest. What sort of programming is he learning? What programming language is he learning? How is he applying this to see if his knowledge actually works? This is facet of a hobby/interest so it is going to need a lot more information about it.

Finally, you mention that Ross drifts away from his mother. What, exactly, does that mean? Please elaborate.

As Ross’ education continued, it became increasingly more apparent that Ross had immense skill in science and math. In fourth grade, he was gifted a Playstation 2, (no comma) due to his constant high grades in all his classes. The time he spent playing the console, (no comma) sparked a creative surge in the boy. He drafted his first idea for a video game then, a 2D alien shoot ‘em up game. His father, seeing the Ross’ ideas, bought him a laptop, so he could teach himself how to create his ideas. In Ross’ 8th grade year, his father completed his classes and applied for a job as a TA at a community college in Kingman, a town near where he grew up. He was accepted. Ross, since he had a better relationship with his father, opted to go to school in the town his father worked in. Thus Ross was enrolled in Cochise High School.

His parents divorced when Ross was in fourth grade but this didn't affect his grades at all? I ask since this is the same time period that he was rewarded with a PS2 for his academic excellence. According to the profile, in addition to the PS2, his father also bought him a laptop so Ross could self-instruct himself on how to make a video game? As an education major and teacher, Spencer feels it age appropriate to shower his fourth grader with expensive technology as well as to expect his ten year old son to teach himself how to program? I'm having a hard time believing this.

Also, people with Master's degrees don't get hired to TA. You need at least a Master's degree to teach at the community college level, so I could see Spencer getting hired to teach at the school. Additionally, there really is a community college in Kingman so I'm going to need you to look up the name of it and include it in the profile.

He, as usual, continued to do well academically, particularly in his math and science courses. He quickly made friends with other nerds and geeks throughout the school. He was very amicable and friendly to the people around him. As his Freshman (not a proper noun) year continued, Ross began to find the schoolwork dull and not challenging, (missing a conjunction here) he took to playing various RTS games on his laptop. Specifically Starcraft 2 and Dota 2. (Sentence fragment) His time spent playing these games taught him how to take his time analyzing a situation. He exploited many mistakes that opponents made in his matches. He was ruthless in these exploits. (Combine these two simple sentences into one complex one. Also, what about RTS games appeals to Ross? What is it about these types of games that he enjoys more than other games? How'd he get started on RTS? Also, technically, Dota 2 isn't an RTS but a MOBA.) The work on his idea for a game had all but slowed to a halt at this time, as much of his time was spent playing his games.

Since he's been working on this game since he was in fourth grade and now he's in high school, how much work has Ross accomplished on this game? What is he using to assist with his programing? What platform is this game supposed to run on? I'd like some more details about this, please, since it is a multi-year project.

At school, he was a talkative, laid back guy. He was friendly with nearly everyone he talked to, and was more than willing to help other students with their schoolwork. He was a genuinely nice guy. He loved to joke with people about various topics, the geekier the better. He loves (loved. You're starting to mix your tenses.) to get into debates with his friends, as he enjoys flaunting his wit and the various pools of knowledge he has. While he’s a very amiable person, he likes to be the smartest person in the room. In his free periods, he’ll usually head to the library to browse the books for any he hasn’t seen (read) yet.

He swam for the school swim team, and did moderately well there. Near the end of his Freshman (Not a proper noun. Do not capitalize. I'm not going to point out the rest of them but you will have to find them and correct all of them.) year, Ross' math teacher suggested he take the engineering courses the school offers. For Ross’ mathematical and scientific knack, these classes sounded like just the challenge he needed. Following his Freshman year, Ross decided to stay in Kingman with his father, so he could hang out with his friends and just relax. But relaxation quickly became boredom, so he took to the pool again, but this time with a different goal than just swimming. He wanted to become a certified lifeguard. After a grueling two week long course, Ross walked away as a certified lifeguard, proficient in First Aid, CPR, Defibrillator use, and other emergency aid skills. For the remainder of the summer, he worked as a lifeguard.

I'm going to need to know what events Ross swam for the Cochise team, what made him try out, and what he enjoys about competitive swimming.

Since you are the first person to mention that Cochise offers engineering courses, I'm going to need a lot of specifics from you about what you think the school offers since you have Ross taking these courses for the rest of his academic career. Software engineering? Basic programming? A power & energy course? CAD classes? 3D printing and design? What sort of classes?

Also, Kingman is a 45 minute drive from Bullhead City. Why isn't Ross spending at least part of his summer visiting with his mother? He could be working at her family's business, earning some extra spending money since he's closer than he's ever lived before.

Third, most pools would have had lifeguards in place before opening for the season. Also, in addition to passing certified lifeguard courses, lifeguards are usually 16 years or older. At the end of freshman year, if I have followed Ross' personal timeline correctly, he is not 16 years old. Not to mention the issue of obtaining a work permit for a 15 year old while school is out of session. You might want to push Ross' job as a lifeguard back a year.

His sophomore year passed uneventfully. He connected very well with the Engineering teacher, and they talked significantly about where he went to college. He dropped out of swim team during the year so he could focus on League of Legends, (no comma) and his other RTS games. (League isn't an RTS, either.) As the year came to a close, he again began work as a lifeguard at the pool. Ross had always taken lifeguarding very seriously. The people in the pool were putting their lives in his hands, and he challenged himself to carry that responsibility well. As the summer progressed, however, he grew to be complacent. There had been no incidents in the pool at all during the summer, so during his shifts as the main guard, Ross would often daydream about his next game of Starcraft.

During one of his shifts while he was day dreaming about video games, a small girl dove into the water in the shallow end of the pool, suffering a spinal injury. After someone got his attention, he and another lifeguard got the child out of the pool, and stabilized her before EMS arrived. While he did manage to save the girl, the rescue rattled him. He would often go into ‘what if’ scenarios surrounding the rescue, none of them ever good. He quit his job at the pool, and spent much of the remaining summer in his room. He was plagued with the guilt of what would have happened had he not been able to save the girl and he sunk into depression.

Okay, if Ross is no long swimming, then it's not a current hobby or interest and should be removed from the Hobbies and Interests section of the profile. Especially since it sounds like he's actively avoiding anything to do with swimming and it is causing him emotional distress. Emotional distress =/= hobby interest.

When his junior year started, his depression was seriously affecting his schoolwork. He was barely doing enough to get by in each of his classes. He became significantly less social with his classmates. Instead of his usual happy, smiley demeanor he seemed to always be angry or tired. His dad grew worried about him, and tried to spend more time with his son and encourage him to see a therapist, but Ross preferred to be alone. Ross found solace in various online communities. (Like which communities? Need specifics.) He made a few friends through them and they were able to help him feel a bit better. (Ross had many friends at school, as earlier stated in the profile. How are these online friends different from his real-life friends?) As the year progressed, he did begin to break out of his shell a little bit. His grades in his various STEM classes got better, but he still wasn’t doing nearly as well as he had in early years. (I'm going to need a current GPA for Ross.)

The summer before his junior year was much better than the summer before. He saved up money and built his first desktop computer, a gaming battlestation, (not a compound word) able to play almost any game that comes out. He also dabbled in a few other devices. His big plan for the summer was working on his Raspberry Pi. He wanted to make a little rover out of it, but he hadn’t been able to find the correct parts. Ross was nearly back to his former, cheerful self. Through senior year, Ross has just been going through the paces.(Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone. The profile lists Ross as a junior. You're going to need to fix this.) He’s doing very well in his Physics and engineering classes and applied for a few colleges, including the college where his engineering teacher went. (Which is what college?) All in all, he’s just biding his time, waiting to graduate.

The problems:
1- Ross' relationship with either of his parents is never really defined. He lives 45 minutes from his mother but they grew "emotionally distant". When this happened is never discussed. How does Ross feel about his mother picking her business over him and his father, especially in light of the fact that she made them leave? Ross and his dad bonded a lot on the car trips to see his mother until his parents divorced. That was the last we heard of Dad. I'm going to need more information about their current relationship.

2- Ross' "surfing the internet" hobby is super underdeveloped. I'm assuming this hobby is the brief reference to his internet friends in "some communities". This needs a lot more details about where he's surfing, when he's surfing, what he's surfing for, how often he's surfing, why he's surfing rather than engaging with the people around him. Things like that.

3- Ross' "studying engineering and science" hobby. There's no mention of him doing any studying outside of actual classes at school. For it to be a hobby or interest, he would have to put in time outside of school. Also, this is really vague. What kind of "science"? Life science? Physical science? Which of the sub-categories of those is he interested in? Is he just reading? Doing experiments? Needs more details. Ditto with engineering. What kinds of engineering? Civil? Chemical? Electrical? Mechanical? And why is he interested in the sub-categories that he likes? What about them appeals to him? How is he studying them?

Advantages: He knows First Aid and CPR. He’s also an experienced swimmer. Ross is a pretty friendly guy, who can get along with nearly anyone, giving him an edge in making allies. His time spent in engineering class could aid him in creating structures or traps. Ross’ time spent playing Real-Time Strategy games has also helped him think objectively and pragmatically. He’s also a veritable walking encyclopedia, due to the amount of time spent reading and learning on his own time.

You spent the last few paragraphs explaining how Ross basically disconnected from everyone and was grumpy, irritable, and depressed after the pool incident. I don't think he's got the Mr. Congeniality thing going for him any more. Also, being a walking encyclopedia is not a survival advantage since knowing this history of tea or the Periodic Table of Elements isn't really going to do anything to extend his life. You might want to reconsider these. Additionally, Ross only has two Disadvantages. We like to attempt to keep Advantages and Disadvantages balanced so I would like you to come up with one more disadvantage for Ross, please.

I think that about covers it for this round. In the initial post, please address the issues I have pointed out and make all requested edits to Ross' profile. Once you have done that, reply to this thread and I will give Ross another going-over. If you have any question or concerns, please feel free to PM me. Good luck.
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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