Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Eri Akita; just needs a quick nap
Topic Started: May 31 2015, 09:23 PM (406 Views)
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Heya, MuseMan! I think that Eri is a pretty solid start, but she is DENEID pending a bit of adjustment.

It's pretty common for girls to get their ears pierced as kids. Did Eri's aversion to body modifications start early enough to prevent that?

Her style of dress is also quite unusual, especially for the area. Does she ever catch any flak for it? How does she feel about that? Why does she have days where she doesn't plan to interact with anybody? Are these days common?

The University of Phoenix has a decidedly mixed reputation, and a large chunk of its classes don't actually meet in-person. Moreover, it's not actually an accredited law school--you may be thinking of the Phoenix School of Law, which was but was only founded in 2005. Either way, I'd like to know more about Eri's mother's situation. It's not too easy to support oneself without any parental assistance, especially in a foreign country where there are restrictions surrounding work.

On a related note, Kingman is actually a pretty notoriously poor area for legal practices, due to its size and local economy. I'd like to hear more about the situation, or maybe to see Eri's mother moved into a job a little more in keeping for a legal professional in Kingman--something to do with the city government, perhaps?

Did Eri's inability to play well with other children concern her parents? Did they take any action based on it? It seems especially odd to me for her to be so isolated given her father's busy schedule--didn't her mother ever leave her with friends?

Why was Eri's father unable to understand her syndrome? It's something with a pretty large amount of research behind it, so it seems very odd for him to assume it possible for it to be purely mental. What sort of violent disagreements are we talking? There's a huge difference between heated arguments and literal violence, and while the former would take less extra work, I'd still like to see it delineated a bit more clearly.

If Eri missed a whole year of school, wouldn't she be a year older?

The biggest issue with Eri's CFS, however, is the way it's likely to intersect with her potential to participate in SOTF at all. If she's so debilitated by it as to sometimes have to go nap during school hours, it leaves me wondering why she'd go on a major school field trip in the first place--if she had an attack while out and about, it feels like there'd be a lot of potential for her to be miserable and for the entire trip to be disrupted. How has she worked around school trips in the past? Also, how does she feel about her illness? How does it influence her beyond the physical level?

What makes Eri assume others are being lazy? Is she open about her illness? If so, how does she feel about it? If not, does she not think others may also have extenuating circumstances?

Why is Eri so sarcastic? Has she ever run into trouble over this?

What sort of people are Eri's friends?

I'd also like to see a lot more of Eri's life as does not relate to her illness. Right now, it's been thoroughly detailed, which is really good, but it's so prominent as to drown out a lot of the rest of her. What's Eri's relationship with her parents like now? Does she have any contact with either side of her extended family? What does she want to do with her life? What are her religious and political beliefs? What does she think about Kingman as a whole, beyond having a greater appreciation for it after her visit to Japan?

I'd like to know more about Eri's calm nature in her biography. It seems somewhat at odds with her judging others for not trying and with her responding with frequent sarcasm.

I'm a bit confused about Eri as introvert by nature--her bio implies that she was actually very fond of the company of others and sought it out throughout much of her early life. She also sounds like she has a pretty solid, if small, core group of friends. Are they people she might be able to rely on in-game?

Post when you've got Eri touched up, and I'll give her another look. Her profile's a really good first draft, and I think she'll be ready to go soon. :)
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Heya, MuseMan! Sorry for the massive delay on giving Eri a second look; I had houseguests followed by the flu and am still catching up.

Eri's looking a lot better, but there are still a few things that need tweaking.

I'm still having some trouble with Eri's mother's move to the United States. Some of the places where there should be more detail are a bit underdeveloped (moving to a new country is a really complicated process, especially with no parental help. If she came on her own, what sort of visa was she on? Why did she pick the US--the university system is really different from that found in England, which can make for a much more jarring transition.) and other areas there's detail that's not really needed (I'd personally suggest cutting the exotic dancer thing, for example; it's not very relevant to the actual sequence of events and raises a lot more questions than it answers). Also, what sort of degree did Andrea pursue? Is it still something related to law? And what sort of job did she get with the City Council? Just being a member of the Council isn't actually a job--it's an elected political office, and one that would require a lot more detail.

I'm also still really not sold on the University of Phoenix--if the only goal is to get a school in the Phoenix area, Arizona State University is a better choice without the baggage, and is only eight miles from Phoenix.

I'd like a bit more information on Eri's parents' attempts to socialize her. If their efforts generally failed, wouldn't that make them worry more?

Middle school in Arizona actually starts in sixth grade, not fifth. This means most of the middle-school era events should probably be pushed back a grade/year.

I think a couple words are missing here: "In light of her situation and prior academic excellence, the school authorities allowed her to graduate anyway so that she could avoid the multitude that would arise from being held back a year." Multitude of what?

What shared interests changed between Eri and her friends? It sounds like to this day she's into most of the same stuff she used to be, with the exception of softball. Was the friendship so centered around the team?

There are references to Eri's avoiding depression or having been depressed, but when she actually is depressed it's never really brought up. Can I get a bit more detail on that if we're talking actual depression, or a clarification of words if it's not quite so severe?

I'm having some issues with how Eri's attitude towards her illness lines up with her parents'. If she's so intent on powering through, why would her father have any issues? It seems that's exactly what he wants her to do. I'm also a bit thrown by Eri's insisting on going on trips even though doing so makes her illness very obvious and public, when she's apparently really bothered by people defining her by her illness--why not just skip the trips and be more private about it? How do her parents feel about her pushing herself so hard? Do they agree with her somewhat risky choices?

Also, I'd like to know a lot more about what steps Eri and her family have taken to deal with her illness in the years since its development. There are a lot of treatments that have varying degrees of efficacy--which have they tried, and to what extent have they or have they not been helpful?

What does Eri perceive as genuine hatred and ignorance? Kingman is a place where a lot of socially conservative stances have a pretty decent foothold, so she's pretty likely to run into people with, say, religious objections to homosexuality rather frequently. Does this set her off?

Post when you've got that taken care of, and I'll give Eri another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
« Previous Topic · Forfeited and Abandoned Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic