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Roy Davis
Topic Started: May 26 2015, 04:17 PM (421 Views)
MurderWeasel
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Heya, Some Guy, and welcome to SOTF! Sorry this took so long to get to; it's been a very busy time for staff with the end of the school year.

Roy's profile is a really good start, but he is DENIED pending some edits and fleshing out.

How long is Roy's hair? I'd also like just a bit more facial description from him--a nose size and face shape are good, but I'd like to know just a little more. How are his teeth? What are his eyebrows like?

Button-ups aren't too unusual, but wearing a tie to school is really strange. Why does he go above and beyond to that extent, especially given the undercutting you mention afterwards? Alternately, a ditching of the tie would take care of most of my concerns there.

I'd like a little more information on Roy's mother moving to Kingman for work. Kingman actually has below-average job prospects for lawyers, which makes it a somewhat odd destination for her. Also, where did his father open up the other repair shops?

I'm pretty uncertain about the death of Roy's parents. It's a really big thing to happen, especially at such a young age, and it raises a lot of questions about Roy's life growing up. How did he feel about the situation, both at the time and as he grew old enough to understand it? Who ended up in charge of his father's shops? Why did his family settle on his uncle as his caretaker? How did that work out on a practical level? Since his uncle has a career that often requires a lot of travelling, it strikes me as potentially quite difficult for him to juggle caring for Roy with actually keeping up with his work.

The biggest thing here, though, is that the deaths of Roy's parents don't seem to have much of an effect on him or his life experience beyond pushing him into the care of his uncle, who very quickly becomes basically his father anyways. I wonder, therefore, whether Roy's story might be a little more grounded and less complicated if Tony was his father. You absolutely don't have to go this way if it doesn't fit your vision of Roy, but the death of one or both of a character's parents is a big deal and tends to need some pretty serious exploration, and in this case I'm not really seeing too much impact from it on Roy or his story and so wonder whether it's a necessary element.

I'd like a bit more information about Roy's growing hiking/climbing interest. It seems a little odd that he wouldn't have better safety training, especially since Tony is an experienced climber himself. I'd also like to get a slightly clearer picture of what it is that Roy and Tony are into. Are they full-out rock climbing, or just going on intense hikes? Often the same trails allow for both options. Finally, I'd like to explicitly know a bit more about what about climbing appeals to Roy. Is it the adrenaline (as is suggested elsewhere)? The chance to spend time with his uncle? The beauty of nature? Some combination thereof?

I'd like to know a bit more about Roy's gambling and his grandfather, especially in light of his age--even in an underground scene, the legal risks of involving minors are notable. Did this concern his grandfather? Also, which side of the family is Tony from? Is Larry his father, or a near-stranger?

That aside, the biggest things I'd like to see are more details on parts of Roy's life not touched on so far. Who are Roy's friends at school? How does he act around them? Is there anyone he doesn't get along with? How does he feel about his academic struggles? Are there any classes he does better in? Any in which he particularly struggles? Has his relationship with his uncle changed over the years in any notable ways? Does he have any aspirations for or concerns about his future, especially since college may not be on the table due to his grades?

Roy's danger-seeking could be expanded a bit. I'm also not totally sold on it as a disadvantage, because SOTF is very different from even a super intense hike. There's a big difference between seeking out danger in a scary yet largely-controlled situation and taking unneeded risks in an already incredibly risky set of circumstances. It doesn't necessarily have to go, but I'd like to hear a lot more about it at least.

And a bit of grammar:

"Christmas" and "Christmas Eve" should be capitalized, since they're proper nouns.

"Ultimately, Roy ended up in the custody of his uncle Tony Davis. Tony was an insurance salesman without a family of his own, the challenge of raising Roy was an unexpected and unwanted surprise." -> "Ultimately, Roy ended up in the custody of his uncle, Tony Davis. Tony was an insurance salesman without a family of his own, and the challenge of raising Roy was an unexpected and unwanted surprise."

"Hualapai mountains" -> "Hualapai Mountains" and "Aspen peak" -> "Aspen Peak"

Post when you've got that all taken care of, and I'll give Roy another look. I just want to say again here that Roy's profile is a great start, especially for a first character, and I think once you've got everything hammered out he'll be in really good shape. The core of his concept is really interesting, and I'm eager to see where you take him. :)
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
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MurderWeasel
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
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