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Jeremy Frasier; somehow less realistic than alvaro, according to murderweasels test
Topic Started: May 11 2015, 02:20 AM (549 Views)
Yugikun
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maybe if you're lucky the random avatar will sync up to the character you're reading right now
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Name: Jeremy Frasier
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Video Games, Internet Forums, Piano, Violin, Writing

Appearance: Jeremy is exceptionally tall compared to the rest of his class, standing at 6’6” and weighing 185 lbs. Because of his height, he tends to lean forward slightly when he’s with other people, so that they’re less likely to call attention to the fact that he is considerably taller than the rest of them. His hair is curly and unruly, but neatly cut and never going down past his forehead at the front. He has brown eyes, matching the colour of his hair. He is Caucasian. Despite his height Jeremy is of a slim build, with most of his weight going into the fact that he is tall. 

Jeremy doesn’t really care much for how he dresses, normally going for what he feels would work on what’s in front of him on his wardrobe, or what is comfortable in the scenario that he is dressing for. His wardrobe is dominated with simple t-shirts, often with posters for works that he is interested in, and simple pants, such as trousers and shorts, normally with a single color on them. He tends to stray away from wearing things such as jeans or buttoned clothing, as he feels that they take too much effort to wear to something that he feels is uncomfortable to wear. On the day of the abduction, Jeremy was wearing black trousers, and a t-shirt with the poster for Jaws on it.

Biography: Jeremy was born on September 16th to Amelia and Jonathan Frasier in the Kingman Regional Medical Centre. Jonathan Fraser was a high school dropout and, after trying out several jobs including working at a steelworks, as a charity volunteer, and as a bartender, ended up as a mailman who works the area. Amelia was a Harvard Graduate who now works as a practising defence lawyer in Arizona, specializing in homicide cases. The two met at the bar that Jonathan was working at, and while he was serving her, they gained a natural chemistry for one another, which made them start dating, eventually leading to a marriage towards one another.

As he was growing up, Jeremy was regarded as a very smart student with a fondness for reading, to the point where instead of interacting with other students during lunch break, he’d get a book, find a secluded spot in the playground, and read for a while. During third grade, his parents urged him to do more activities and be more social. So, after he was told this, he decided to sign up for a music program that came to his school every Thursday. He stayed in that program until he was forced to leave elementary school. He still practices the piano today, taking formal lessons at a conservatorium, and occasionally performing at competitions, normally getting in second and third place. He also sometimes arranges songs he likes for the piano, putting them up on YouTube sometimes so that he can get his five seconds of fame.

He learned his second instrument after, when he happened to hear Coldplay’s Viva la Vida on the radio as his mother drove him to school. This got him interested in playing the cello as an instrument. However, his parents couldn't find someone who could teach cello in the area, so they settled for the next possible alternative, a violin. While Jeremy isn’t as good as the violin as he is at the piano, and is surprised and annoyed that his parents couldn't find a cello teacher for him, he still practices to this day, and he performs at assorted folk clubs once every year, since it is the club that his teacher is associated with.

Grade Five also saw Jeremy picking up his other hobby, video games. While at an electronics store with his mother getting something for her friend’s birthday, he happened upon a game that he had seen on an advertisement that he was interested in. After asking his mother about it, she bought the game for him. After this, gaming became a hobby for him, when in his later years he kept a list of every game he completed that year along with some thoughts on the game and whether he enjoyed it or not. While he hangs with the gaming crowd at school, he generally tries to keep that part of him down; not because he feels that it’s embarrassing for him, but more so that people can see him as something more than a gamer.

Middle school was an interesting experience for him, since he tried to be more outgoing and social to a couple of people, putting reading behind him as he progressed. While he actually tried to make friends this time, he tended to gravitate towards the more imaginative people in his year rather than the people who played sports on the field every day. While he was with them, Jeremy discovered that he had a flair for storytelling and being able to create a world for characters to interact in. This stemmed into an interest into writing in general, and, while he doesn’t exercise his skills all that much, he writes fanfiction and makes reviews for works that he is interested from time to time.

Grade Seven also saw the coming in of another hobby for Jeremy, interacting with other people via the internet. He tended to go towards video game centered forums, which allowed him to voice his opinions on what he thought on things. He also found his flair for debating on these forums, being able to rebut against points when he disagreed with them. This stemmed into an increase in Jeremy's confidence in real life, allowing him to become a competent debater in the classroom, although one who can get passionate and angry if provoked enough. He also picked up the party game mafia, allowing him to figure out how to lie convincingly via text, and seeing if he can apply this ability to real life. While he is competent at lying, he has trouble with keeping a straight face and tries to turn his face away from people when he does so. His parents don't approve of his internet usage, seeing it as something dangerous for him that he should try to avoid. This was around the start of Jeremy's deterioration with his parents, with his parents thinking that his internet usage was dangerous for his health and his grades.

Jeremy started falling out of shape, at this point, and realized this. He started doing more exercise, and started walking to and from places rather than using public transport. While it is working, and he is still in fairly good shape, he is still heavier than he'd like to be, a fact that he is fairly self-conscious about and wishes to change. While he still looks thin, he is out of shape, and takes active effort into keeping his stomach sucked in and his chin up, to make sure nobody knows that.

During High School, Jeremy became far more social towards his peers, and has benefited from it. His peers have noted him as being a class-clown sort of type, with a quick, dry wit and flair towards pointing out the ridiculous. He is also a member of the school band, and his bandmates have noted him to be a friendly person who is always ready to help the people who need it. His friends tend to be around the gamer crowd, but he tries to be on good terms with the rest of the student body, knowing the names of everybody in his grade and never trying to actively antagonize them except for when he thinks they deserve it. However, when he hates someone, it’s very hard for him to change his mind on them, keeping grudges that last for a very long time. Even worse is the fact that if they manage to aggravate him enough, he tends to become very vocal about his hatred for them, becoming a very ugly person to be around in these cases. He is aware of this, and tries to not hate too many people in the student body in case of this.

It was also around this point where his already strained relationship with his parents became worse. Jeremy found that his parents had far different plans for him than he wanted, them wanting him to be a lawyer when he wanted to be a professional writer. When he told this to his parents, they refused, saying that he had to have good grades so he could get a “job that actually pays well.” At that point, they started characterising him as someone who was obsessed with his computer, who acted like a rebellious teenager and was incapable of doing basic things. They started telling him that he was a failure who didn’t do homework or get good grades at school, making small problems with assessments that he has shown to them out as something major. He tries to tolerate them when he’s around them, but inside, finds that they’re a massive burden on what he wants to do.

Around this point, Jeremy started feeling like he was trapped within society. He thinks that the majority of people are trapped in a cycle in which they work, pay taxes, marry, retire, and die; a cycle that he feels is unfulfilling and unexciting. He wants to break free of it, and live an exciting life, rather than be conformed into a life in which nothing interesting happens. He uses his writing and imagination as an expression mechanism, and tries to imagine worlds where he (or an insert or similar character to him) has adventures with other characters both created by him or by other people, hoping that someday that one of these adventures will happen to him and allow him to break free of a normal life.

Despite his heavily social temperament, and desire to break free from society, he still makes an active effort to do well in class, making above average grades in most classes he goes in. He considers himself naturally smarter than the majority of his classmates, with a memory and enough of a study ethic allowing him to be placed in the main intellectual crowd in Cochise. In particular, he excels in the humanities, with history, religious studies, and philosophy being the subjects he naturally excels in. He has noted the teachings of Seneca, and tries to put them to heart, having a negative outlook on what’s going to happen so that he can feel that good stuff happens to him more often. While Jeremy is agnostic, he is open to what other people think about religion, and is thinking about becoming a Christian when he’s able to live on his own, due to him thinking that there is some sort of afterlife with Christianity having the most proof of its existence.

Advantages: Jeremy is a good liar and debater, from his experiences on forums and in real life. In addition, Jeremy is considerably more intelligent than the majority of his classmates, and is on good terms with most of them, meaning that it'd be much easier for him to make allies.
Disadvantages: Jeremy holds grudges, and is easily provoked against somebody he hates. His emotions can blind him very easily, potentially causing him to perceive people as enemies or threats purely because he doesn't like them, acting irrationally in situations involving them.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Hey Yugi. Gave Jeremy a quick look and he's denied pending some revision. You know the drill, notes in pink. Let's get started.


Name: Jeremy Frasier
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Video Games, Internet Forums, Music, list the individual instruments instead, so... piano and violin. Writing

Appearance: The first thing one would notice about Jeremy Frasier is that he is exceptionally tall, standing at 6’6” and weighing 185 lbs. Avoid language like this in a profile. Just tell us, cut and dry, how tall and heavy he is. Because of his height, he tends to lean forward slightly when he’s with other people, so that they’re less likely to call attention to the fact that he is considerably taller than the rest of them. The second thing they tend to notice about him is his hair, Just repeating the previous note so you'll know to change this as well. curly and unruly, but neatly cut and never going down past his forehead at the front. He has brown eyes, matching the colour of his hair. Despite his height, Jeremy is of a Caucasian slim build, with most of his weight going into the fact that he is tall. Separate his build and his skin color, because the two have little to do with one another. There's no such thing as a 'Caucasian slim build'.

Jeremy doesn’t really care much for how he dresses, normally going for what he feels would work on what’s in front of him on his wardrobe, or what is comfortable in the scenario that he is dressing for. His wardrobe is dominated with simple t-shirts, often with posters for works that he is interested in. He tends to stray away from wearing things such as jeans or buttoned clothing, as he feels that they take too much effort to wear to something that he feels is uncomfortable to wear. On the day of the abduction, Jeremy was wearing black trousers, and a t-shirt with the poster for Jaws on it. A bit more's needed here. He wears t-shirts, we've got that, but if he doesn't wear jeans, what does he wear more often? Cargos? Trousers? Shorts? Slacks? What about his shoes?

Biography: Jeremy was born on September 16th to Amelia and Jonathan Frasier in the Kingman Regional Medical Centre. Jonathan Fraser was a high school dropout, remove this first comma and, after trying out several jobs including working at a steelworks, as a charity volunteer, and as a bartender, ended up as a mailman who works the area. Amelia was a Harvard Graduate who now works as a practising defence lawyer in Arizona, specializing in homicide cases. The two met at the bar that Jonathan was working at, and while he was serving her, they gained a natural chemistry for one another, which made them start dating, eventually leading to a marriage towards one another. While Jeremy used to appreciate his parents, he has since started to resent them for their attitude towards him and his future. This last sentence comes across as a little out of place. Jeremy's thoughts on his family life should be placed later in the profile.

As he was growing up, Jeremy was regarded as a very smart student with a fondness for reading, to the point where instead of interacting with other students during lunch break, he’d get a book, find a secluded spot in the playground, and read for a while. During third grade, his parents urged him to do more activities and be more social. So, after he was told this, he decided to sign up for a music program that came to his school every Thursday. He stayed in that program until he was forced to leave elementary school. He still practices the piano today, taking formal lessons at a conservatorium, and occasionally performing at competitions, normally getting in second and third place. He also sometimes arranges songs he likes for the piano, putting them up on YouTube sometimes so that he can get his five seconds of fame.

He learned his second instrument after, when he happened to hear Coldplay’s Viva la Vida on the radio as his mother drove him to school, which got him interested in playing the cello as an instrument. That could have actually been broken up into two sentences and worked just fine. As-is, it's very awkwardly phrased. However, neither he nor his parents could find someone who could teach cello in the area, so they settled for the next possible alternative, a violin. While Jeremy isn’t as good as the violin as he is at the piano, he still practices to this day, and he performs at assorted folk clubs once every year, since it is the club that his teacher is associated with.

Grade Five also saw Jeremy picking up his other hobby, video games. While at an electronics store with his mother getting something for her friend’s birthday, he happened upon a game that he had saw had seen on an advertisement that he was interested in. After asking his mother about it, he was able to buy the game. Well, did he truly buy it or did his mother buy it for him? :P After this, gaming became a hobby for him, when in his later years he kept a list of every game he completed that year, along with him posting some thoughts he had about the game, and whether he enjoyed it or not. Run-on sentence. Wean yourself off the comma, young Padawan. While gaming is a hobby for him, and while he hangs with the gaming crowd at school, he generally tries to keep that part of him down; not because he feels that it’s embarrassing for him, but more because he doesn’t want people to think that being a gamer is all he is, and so that people can note him as being his own person. Again, I appreciate the use of the semicolon but this sentence goes on way longer than it has to. If you find yourself using four commas in one sentence without the inclusion of a list or something similar, then that should serve as a warning sign.

Middle school was an interesting experience for him, since he tried to be more outgoing and social to a couple of people, putting reading behind him as he progressed. While he actually tried to make friends this time, he tended to gravitate towards the more imaginative people in his year, remove this comma rather than the people who played sports on the field every day. While he was with them, Jeremy discovered that he had a flair for storytelling, and this one and being able to create a world for characters to interact in. This stemmed into an interest into writing in general, and, while he doesn’t exercise his skills all that much, he writes fanfiction and makes reviews for works that he is interested from time to time.

Grade Seven also saw the coming in of another hobby for Jeremy; interacting with other people via the internet. In particular, he liked playing a forum game called “The Werewolf Game”, which is essentially the same as the party game “mafia”, but with different naming and different rules. So it's the same but different? ; ) Anyway, on a more serious note, this whole paragraph should probably be revised to be more... what's the word... generic? He likes to participate on internet forums where he takes part in games, discussions and arguments. He also participates in a forum game called “Mercenaries”, which seems to be a game centred about arguing over which video game characters are better than others. Mercenaries made Jeremy able to argue easily,or think he can, since forum arguments aren't necessarily a good platform or metric for debate although he tends not to do so in class unless it is a topic that he is passionate about and a topic that he can voice his views on easily.

Jeremy started falling out of shape, at this point, and realized this. He started doing more exercise, and started walking to and from places rather than using public transport. While it is working, and he is still in fairly good shape, he is still considerably taller and heavier than the rest of the student body, There's nothing he can do about his height, so I don't understand why that's here. He's also not heavier than the rest of the student body. He's heavier than some of them. Try to just say 'heavier than he'd like to be' a fact that he is fairly self-conscious about and wishes to change. While he still looks thin, he is out of shape, and takes active effort into keeping his stomach puffed in puffed... in? You mean sucked in and his chin up, to make sure nobody knows that.

It was also around this point where his relationship with his parents started to crumble. Jeremy found that his parents had far different plans for him than he wanted, them wanting him to be a lawyer when he wanted to be a professional writer. When he told this to his parents, they refused, saying that he had to have good grades so he could get a “job that actually pays well.” At that point, they started characterising him as someone who was obsessed with his computer, who acted like a rebellious teenager and was incapable of doing basic things. They started telling him that he was a failure who didn’t do homework or get good grades at school, despite them never actually asking to look at his grades. He tries to tolerate them when he’s around them, but inside, finds that they’re a massive burden on what he wants to do. It's a little jarring how his parents suddenly get a negative tone in the profile. Any way you could integrate them more earlier in the profile so we can see the relationship deteriorate, even if it does so rapidly? And no, I don't mean that quick note near the beginning. That should still be removed as I said because it makes no sense where it is.

Because here’s the thing: Jeremy hates society. Nope. Remove this. Kill it. He finds that it has wrapped chains around him and has forced him to live a life of normalcy. Also remove this. Jeremy's thoughts on society and the people around him should be addressed more professionally, as an observer. He wants to break free of it, and live an exciting life, rather than be conformed into a life in which nothing interesting happens. He uses his writing and imagination as an expression mechanism, and tries to imagine worlds where he (or an insert or similar character to him) has adventures with other characters both created by him or by other people, hoping that someday that one of these adventures will happen to him and allow him to break free of a normal life.

During High School, Jeremy became far more social towards his peers, and has benefited from it. This is very strange. The previous paragraph was all about Jeremy's escapism and not wanting to attach himself to society and it was written in present tense. Now, we have him becoming more social in high school. There's a bit of an apparent contradiction. His peers have noted him as being a class-clown sort of type, with a quick, dry wit and flair towards pointing out the ridiculous. He is also a member of the school band, and his bandmates have noted him to be a friendly person who is always ready to help the people who need it. His friends tend to be around the gamer crowd, but he tries to be on good terms with the rest of the student body (knowing the names of everybody in his grade), Ah, parenthetical notation, my old friend. KILL IT WITH FIRE and never tries to actively antagonize them except for when he thinks they deserve it. However, when he hates someone, it’s very hard for him to change his mind on them, keeping grudges that last for a very long time. Even worse is the fact that if they manage to aggravate him enough, he tends to become very vocal about his hatred for them, becoming a very ugly person to be around in these cases. He is aware of this, and tries to not hate too many people in the student body in case of this.

Despite his heavily social temperament though, he still makes an active effort to do well in class, making above average grades in most classes he goes in. In particular, he excels in History and English, finding both classes easy for him. He also excels in the spiritual topics, in particular, Religious Studies and Philosophy. Religious Studies and Philosophy in particular. He has noted the teachings of Seneca, and tries to put them to heart, having a negative outlook on what’s going to happen so that he can feel that good stuff happens to him more often. While Jeremy is agnostic, he is open to what other people think about religion, and is thinking about becoming a Christian when he’s able to live on his own. .... Why?

Advantages: Jeremy is a good liar and debater, from his experiences on forums. Lying on the internet and lying in person are two entirely different beasts. Same story with arguing, or 'debating'. In addition, Jeremy is intelligent, and has an ability to think ahead of situations, making it so that he knows what he has to say to win someone over to his side. Also a really iffy advantage. We've seen he's an intelligent fellow but our only evidence to him being good at convincing anybody of anything is his internet stuff, and... well, see previous note. In addition, Jeremy is on good terms with most of the student body, making allies easy for him to make.
Disadvantages: Jeremy has never exercised at all outside of trying to lose weight, and because of that, despite how he looks, he isn’t very strong. Gym class is a thing, and is mandatory in just about all school systems. He has certainly exercised, like it or not. Noting that he is 'out of shape' would be better. In a straight fight against someone physically stronger than him, Jeremy would likely lose. This is not a disadvantage, it's a fact of life. In addition, Jeremy holds grudges, and is easily provoked against somebody he hates.


So yeah, a little bit of work to do, but definitely workable. See you again soon.
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Yugikun
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maybe if you're lucky the random avatar will sync up to the character you're reading right now
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I think I fixed them, so I'm ready for the next wave!

(that'll teach me for not checking over a profile I made in January in like 10 minutes)
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MK Kilmarnock
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A few more things.

"Despite his height, Jeremy is Caucasian, and is of a slim build, with most of his weight going into the fact that he is tall." < Okay, this sentence is still really weird. What does being white have to do with being tall? Completely separate the facts of his skin tone and his build. They should have nothing to do with each other. They should hardly be in the same sentence.

"However, his parents could find someone who could teach cello in the area, so they settled for the next possible alternative, a violin." You mean couldn't, right?

"Grade Seven also saw the coming in of another hobby for Jeremy; interacting with other people via the internet." Not a proper use of a semicolon. Remember that each half of a sentence separated with a semicolon should be able to stand alone as its own sentence, and 'interacting with other people via the internet' does not.

"His friends tend to be around the gamer crowd, but he tries to be on good terms with the rest of the student body ," Whoops, extra space between 'body' and that comma! Nitpick, but might as well fix it while we're here.

"It was also around this point where his relationship with his parents started to crumble." But you mention his relationship with his parents becoming a little strained beforehand.

"Because here’s the thing: Jeremy feels as if he's trapped within society." You seem to have missed this. This was the major issue to the paragraph that I wanted changed because it's so tonally poor. I'm happy with other changes to this paragraph, but this was actually the biggest offender. A profile should not feel conversational.

"They started telling him that he was a failure who didn’t do homework or get good grades at school, despite them never actually asking to look at his grades" I actually have a hard time believe that a parent who is that concerned about their child's grades would never actually take the time to look at them, and I'm speaking as a kid who would actually get grounded if he came home with a C on his report card. If the parents care, they're going to take a look. Please fix this.

"Jeremy has never exercised at all outside of trying to lose weight, and because of that, despite how he looks, he isn’t very strong." I still hate how this sounds. It's like saying "Jeremy has never eaten, outside of when he was hungry." It doesn't actually mean anything. Also, gym class is still mandatory. I addressed this last time. Also, you disregarded my note that losing a fight to somebody else is NOT a disadvantage. You're going to have to think of something else. How about the fact that Jeremy can be blinded rather easily by his emotions, if the profile was anything to go off of?

Remember that the advantages, disadvantages, and hobbies sections should all be gleaned from your profile, not the other way around. Remembering that is a key tool in successfully writing a profile as well as getting it approved.

Try it again, and I'll see you then.

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maybe if you're lucky the random avatar will sync up to the character you're reading right now
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Edits have been made.

;)
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Good enough for government work.

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