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Dana Reyes
Topic Started: Apr 27 2015, 07:36 AM (435 Views)
MurderWeasel
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Heya, ArcanaFire! Welcome to SOTF. Dana's profile is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a bit of modification.

I'd like to know a bit more about Dana's heritage/ethnicity. Is she purely Spanish?

I'd like a bit more information on Dana's weight issues, because they're framed differently in different parts of her profile. In the appearance section, they're cast as something that can be distracted from, but elsewhere in her bio they cause her to get picked on and are the root of notable issues. 5'3" and 160 pounds is notably overweight by BMI (though this doesn't account too well for muscles).

The phrasing regarding Dana's hair makes it a bit hard to tell how long it is. Could you clarify how long her hair is when it's down?

Since V6 is set in the earlier half of 2015, Dana's birthday currently leaves her younger than she should be--She'd only be turning 17 about half a year after the time of pregame. You should either move her birthday back a year or adjust her age to match it (and explain why she's notably young for her class).

Was Dana born in Kingman?

Did Ricky run his own business, or did he work for a larger construction company?

What about magic tricks drew Dana's attention and appealed to her?

Dana's behavioral issues come up rather suddenly. Aside from her disruptive magic trick antics, what else drew concern from her parents and teachers?

Why did the sound specifically stand out to Dana? What about this one documentary was so formative that it kept her focused on one aim for over half a decade?

Why did her grandfather need a lung transplant? Also, what happened to Antonio's spouse? Why was Joyce estranged from her entire family?

Why did Dana stop taking Adderall? It seems a really odd choice, especially since almost all of the effects of her dropping the medication sound negative.

Whether a trumpet or clarinet is easier to play seems to be a very hotly debated matter, which makes it a bit odd for Dana to be told by everyone that it is the case. It's an instrument that can take quite some time and expense to pick up. What drew Dana to it? What drew her to band as a whole?

Did Dana's weight gain cause any concern from her parents? Did she take any steps to try to combat it? What causes her weight fluctuations?

What sort of objects would Dana carry in her backpack?

I'd like to see a bit more about Dana's interest in animation. Where does it stem from? What does she enjoy about it? Similarly, there's quite a broad spectrum of magic tricks. Does she just keep to simple coin and card tricks, or has she pushed this interest further?

If Dana isn't turning in work, this could really quickly tank her grades. How does she feel about this? What do her parents think, especially in light of her history of academic struggles?

I'd like a bit more information on some other aspects of Dana's life. What does she hope to do after high school? As a senior, if she's planing on going to college, she should have applied to places by now. What's her current relationship with her parents like? Does she have any siblings? Did her grandfather recover? How does Dana act around school? What's her outlook on the world?

I'd like some clarification on Dana's slow and steady work--it sounds like she struggles with tasks that require focus. I'd like to hear a bit more about her physical condition. Why does running cause her trouble? What makes her seem like an easy target? I thought she'd by and large proven that she wasn't a very good target.

Minor grammar tweaks:

‘The Sword in the Stone’. -> ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ (punctuation always goes within quotation marks)

The bit about Dana playing with found objects should be appended to the paragraph before it, as it continues the thought expressed in that paragraph.

"up beat" -> "upbeat"

Post when you've got Dana edited, and I'll give her another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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MurderWeasel
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Hey, Arcana! Dana's looking a lot better, but there are still a few minor areas where she could use tweaks.

"Ricky was born in Kingston" <- Do you mean Kingman, or one of the cities called Kingston in the US? I think it's Kingman contextually, but want to make sure. Also, where did Dana'a parents meet?

If Dana's father worked with a large company, why was work so intermittent for him?

The Sword in the Stone paragraph and the TV paragraph should probably both be combined with the parents' occupations paragraph, or maybe split in a different place, either like this:
Quote:
 
Her mother worked at the public library as a circulation clerk, while her father did construction for a large firm. Because of the erratic nature of the construction jobs Ricky took on, the family had frequent dry spells in which Joyce’s library job was their only source of income and they had to rely on savings. Because of this, Dana often had to get creative with how she entertained herself as her family frequently couldn’t afford the latest popular toys. Some of her favorite playthings were found objects. Her mother once caught her attempting to fight the oven using the trashcan lid as a shield, the broom as a lance, and a pot on her head as a helmet after watching ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ Her family did, however, have a TV and Saturday morning cartoons were one of the rare times the whole family sat together regularly. Dana would continue to get up early and watch them long after the rest of her class outgrew them.

or like this:
Quote:
 
Her mother worked at the public library as a circulation clerk, while her father did construction for a large firm. Because of the erratic nature of the construction jobs Ricky took on, the family had frequent dry spells in which Joyce’s library job was their only source of income and they had to rely on savings.

Because of this, Dana often had to get creative with how she entertained herself as her family frequently couldn’t afford the latest popular toys. Some of her favorite playthings were found objects. Her mother once caught her attempting to fight the oven using the trashcan lid as a shield, the broom as a lance, and a pot on her head as a helmet after watching ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ Her family did, however, have a TV and Saturday morning cartoons were one of the rare times the whole family sat together regularly. Dana would continue to get up early and watch them long after the rest of her class outgrew them.

I personally favor the second option, as it's easier to read.

"pnumonia" -> "pneumonia"

"her little hands weren’t quite dexterous enough to get the hang of it ." -> "her little hands weren’t quite dexterous enough to get the hang of it.'

Can I get just a bit more about how being picked on helped Dana build empathy?

"Chapman University, Orange in California" -> "Chapman University in Orange, California"

I'd also like to see maybe one more disadvantage added to Dana to help round her out. Perhaps her tendency to be talked into helping people could be a good place to look?

Post when you've got that all edited, and I'll give Dana another look. I'd also just like to say good job on the first round of edits; you took care of the vast bulk of the issues and got in-depth where appropriate. :)
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
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