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Rochelle Ayers; Wait what you mean this isn't Aurora High am I that late?
Topic Started: Apr 26 2015, 09:48 PM (362 Views)
Namira
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Null sheen.
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[+] Namira Disapproves


Hiya Dee. There's some good content here, but there's also some issues with scarcity of detail that need to be resolved before I can approve Rochelle. As it stands things are a little incomplete, and need some more meat on the bones.


- Although gaming and literature are fine as interests, they aren't, by themselves, substantial enough to be the entirety of Rochelle's hobbies and interests. I'd like you to include two to three more of these, appropriately fleshed out in the biography section. One area you could add in here and expand upon later is Rochelle's interest in tabletop gaming, as that's distinct enough to qualify as a different hobby.

- Rochelle's father is stated to own a clinic but it's never specified what variety of clinic this is. I can make some inferences from other information in the profile, but it could do with being made more explicit. The fact that Abram is a doctor doesn't really get brought up at all.

Quote:
 
She was a playful girl, but preferred games to sports. It started out as just board games, then her dad bought her a refurbished Sega Genesis and the rest was history.


- This is a little vague. At what age did Rochelle start playing board games? If her dad was busy with the clinic and her mom was distracted and distant, then who did she play them with? I'd like a little more about her developing this interest in video games, particularly what drew her to it as a child.

Quote:
 
She began staying away from their home more often, and Rochelle was not too involved in her games.


- I'm unsure what this means. Could you rephrase it more clearly? Are you saying that Rochelle was too involved with gaming to notice her mom not being around so much?

- Lack of care or attention from a mother can have a large effect on a child. Did this ever get Rochelle down?

- Why did Rochelle keep friends at a distance?

- It seems a little much that a kid of Rochelle's age predicted her mom leaving when her dad didn't. I'd like you to rework this a little and focus more on the emotional impact. Being glad she was gone is rather vehement for a child in the sixth grade (and the subsequent 'she's dead to Rochell'), and suggests a more hostile relationship than had previously been indicated.

- On a similar note, it appears a bit odd that Tanya would just skip out on her child and marriage entirely, especially if her side of the family was fond of Rochelle and Abram. I'd like this section to be expanded a bit; cutting off all ties and travelling to foreign countries seems very extreme a reaction for being bored with the relationship. (And given Tanya only had part time jobs, it does raise the question as to where she'd get the income to just wander to different countries).

- In general this aspect of the character feels a little forced. Obviously the profile is about Rochelle and not her parents, but there appears to be some missing background with regards to Tanya leaving, like there's another side to the story that isn't quite coming across? I know Rochelle might not necessarily be aware of the exact reasons, but it comes across a little odd.

Quote:
 
Her efforts in school were doubled. She was determined not to let her father down in any respect, and she'd decided she was going to take over the clinic when she grew up. Her father was older, after all. He needed her there, and just being at the front desk wouldn't be good enough.


- This isn't clear. Is Rochelle already helping out at the clinic, by being on the front desk, or is this just indication that she aspires to more?

- Though Rochelle plays every system, you don't actually specify what kinds of games she enjoys playing. FPS? Fighting games?

- I'd like a bit more on her literature interest, as it's a bit minimal right now.

- Rochelle seems quite hostile and driven. How does this affect her around others? It's not really clear whether she stopped holding friends at arm's length, and at current it seems like that she wouldn't have many close friends. Is she socially isolated, or does she have a friendship group? There's only the brief description of not being very popular, and being considered easy going seems to be a contradiction to the rest of her personality.

- I'd like her disadvantages bulked out a bit. Being cut throat isn't really a disadvantage, and sleeping problems are comparatively minor. Some more meat is needed here.


Lemme know when you've got this all fixed up!
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