Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Walt Esiason
Topic Started: Apr 26 2015, 07:01 PM (423 Views)
Deamon
Member Avatar
Humans...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey Unpy!

Before I give Walt a proper critique can you remove the line between advantages and disadvantages. Cheers.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
V6
V5
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Deamon
Member Avatar
Humans...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Alright lets do this.

First up, as hobbies and interests is a list only the first one needs to be capitalized.

Quote:
 
Walt isn't easy to miss.
Change this to "Walt is hard to miss." as it reads much better. Also could you describe Walt's mouth for me.

For the section about Walt living with his grandparents there's nothing about how Walt felt about this. Right now all we know that he stayed at his grandparents.

Quote:
 
While not bullied for his weight, considering he was a lot bigger compared to most of his classmates, Walt was still very self-conscious and often felt excluded, especially when it came to gym class and recess.
This sentence is a pretty big run-on and could do with being split into two.

There's a bit of a continuity snag with the bit about his dad taking him to the park. As you state at the end of previous paragraph Walt kept his interest in basketball and pro-wrestling to himself but the way the next paragraph is worded implies that his dad knows about it. So when did he tell his dad and why? Or did his dad find out? Some clarification here would be good.

How did Walt find having friends? Since it would have been one of the first times he's had proper friends from the sound of it.

As for Walt's fighting were there any other repercussions for this behavior? Like did his dad punish him? Did the school or police ever get involved? Did he get a reputation about this sort of thing? These are all things that can result from getting in fights.

Quote:
 
Besides his love for basketball, Walt also still likes pro-wrestling, and his favorite wrestlers tend to be the flashy and arrogant types who can still prove they are capable ring talents to add to their bragging, such as Dolph Ziggler.
Another run-on sentence.

jow should be how.

Some detail on which classes Walt likes and dislikes would also help to flesh out his school life outside of basketball and English. Another thing that needs expanding is how does writing make Walt feel? Does he enjoy the creative side or does he enjoy it for more personal reasons? Also what electives does he take? Since it sounds like he's good at them.

There's no information about who he hangs out with at school and in his free time, or what he's like around them. I'd like this to be put in the profile, since socializing is a big part of teenage life.

Quote:
 
He doesn't spend as much time with his dad as he used to,

Quote:
 
and he will be willing to call on people's threats and bluffs.
Reads better as "he will be willing to call people on their threats and bluffs."

In general there needs to be more detail on how a lot of the things mentioned in the profile effected Walt because right now its more a list of events and things Walt likes. So do all that for me and I'll give Walt another look.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
V6
V5
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Deamon
Member Avatar
Humans...
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Deamon
Apr 26 2015, 09:55 PM
First up, as hobbies and interests is a list only the first one needs to be capitalized.

Quote:
 
Besides his love for basketball, Walt also still likes pro-wrestling, and his favorite wrestlers tend to be the flashy and arrogant types who can still prove they are capable ring talents to add to their bragging, such as Dolph Ziggler.
Another run-on sentence.

There's no information about who he hangs out with at school and in his free time, or what he's like around them. I'd like this to be put in the profile, since socializing is a big part of teenage life.
^Those things have not been done.

You've not actually said how he felt when he first got friends either, just what he did with them. Which is different.

If he was fighting people off the school grounds, other kids would still be aware of it. So did he get a reputation due to that? Because something like a fight will be talked about, especially if it involves the same kid as before.

Also "he mostly writes just to write" is a copout of a reason to enjoy writing. There must be a reason he enjoys writing that makes him want to write. Is it the act of creating a story or something else?

Cover all of those points and I'll take another look at Walt.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
V6
V5
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Forfeited and Abandoned Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic