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Ryuunosuke Yoshida
Topic Started: Apr 26 2015, 11:15 AM (553 Views)
Ruggahissy
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Howdy Firedog! I'm Ruggahissy, I'll be your moderator for this app. You've got a really great base right now that could use some editing and some tweaks.

Hobbies
Should be "reading books" and "watching movies." Is his hobby listening to music or playing music? List the hobbies so they are the actions he would be doing. Also more on hobbies in the bio.

Basic Info

- I know it's a real name, but it's a mouthful. This one is more a suggestion than a part of the critique but kids are lazy. Maybe think of a shortening or nick name that most kids around school would call him?

Appearance

- Looks good! All your bases covered, great job. Moving on.

Bio

- There is a whole lot of information on the parents and grandparents that you could cut down a bit. It took me 6 paragraphs in to even get to Ryuunosuke. I WOULD like a sentence on why the grandparents chose America. However past that, I really don't care that much about the dad and his journey to becoming a sushi chef. I don't really care about uncle Jirou not becoming a chef. Just the straight facts of the dad becoming a chef and then getting employment at the casino are enough. Everything from the beginning to the paragraph where the dad starts working at the casino should be condensed down a bit to just the facts of what happened, involving just the grandparents and dad.

- Additionally being an expert in sushi is just being an expert in that one specialized field of Japanese cuisine which does take years of training. That doesn't mean a knowledge of Japanese cuisine in general.

- An executive chef in a Las Vegas casino makes about $85,000 a year. Just noting it for helpfulness.

- The swimming thing is brought on kind of suddenly. Did he know how to swim before?

- Also this is a bit of an issue throughout the profile, but I have a hard time figuring out when anything is happening and how old he is when he picks up different hobbies. If you could layout Ryuunosuke's history somewhat chronologically with the introduction of hobbies happening as he gets older with some time makers (saying what grade he's in or how old he is) that would be helpful.

"and joined a local children's competitive league"

This part's a bit off. Swimming doesn't really happen in leagues. Prior to high school you swim with a "club" and then when competitions (meets) happen children sign up as individuals, usually with more than one club participating. It's mostly just that the terminology is off.

"After the first year of swimming Ichiro even had a pool installed in the backyard of their house to allow Ryuu a better area for practice."

This would be hugely expensive to put in a lap pool of 25 yards across one way. If it's a small pool normally found in backyards, it would be sort of useless for practice.

"Similar to cooking, Ryuu grew tired of swimming after a few years;"

He got tired of cooking? I thought he was still doing it.

"Ryuu also thought of other things he could do to build up experience and began reading more books and watching more movies. In his favorite books he would find scenes and adapt them for him to act out in front of his family."

Okay, movies I get. Books though? Why not plays or something? Books aren't going to be as useful for acting, especially since there's nothing to emulate since books are static. On this note, books and movies are listed as hobbies. What kind of books and movies does he like? That's very broad. I would say I like movies, but I love horror movies and I hate romances.

"With Ryuu reading so much it was soon discovered that he had vision problems. Though they had never been too serious, the additional strain on his eyes caused his vision to deteriorate much more."

Reading won't deteriorate your eyesight. Reading in poor light will make your eyes tired, but that's temporary. If you want him to need glasses just say that they noticed he was having trouble seeing and got him glasses. Happens all the time.

- About the drums thing. Seems a little weird that someone could get moderately skilled with zero help over the course of a few months. Just say he got some lessons.

- How do the parents feel about him skipping homework? Actually, what's his relationship like with his parents at all. The most mention I see here is the mom teaching him piano. Some more elaboration on his relationship to his brother would be great too, and maybe about hoe he felt when he went off to college and if they still keep in touch.


Advantages and Disadvantages

"To some extent Ryuu knows how to prepare raw fish so that it may be fit for consumption, though this requires adequate materials and a clean workstation."

Not really an advantage. Salt water fish can actually be eaten straight out of the ocean because the salt water destroys a lot of the bacteria and parasites. No special preparations needed, just cut it open and eat it. Also sushi-grade fish or sashimi are further sterilized by freezing the fish to kill anything that survives. Unless Ryuunoske has a flash freezer on the island, his abilities to prepare raw fish for consumption will be the same as everyone else's. Double unnecessary because everyone is given enough food to survive the full two weeks. No need to scavenge.


- I feel like you're missing some big advantages here. He can act! That means he might be able to manipulate people if he needs to. If we're assuming he's a good actor, which there isn't much information on. Additionally, he has great stamina if he's a swimmer and dancer. He sounds well liked. All things that can be advantages.

"As Ryuu has been spoiled most of his life he does not know very well how to manage on his own and would likely need to rely on others for various things. Ryuu is also quite a bit more trusting than he should be, giving multiple chances before giving up on them even in situations where second chances should not be given."

None of this appears in the profile, but I wish it would. Is he spoiled? Do his parents and older sibling coddle him sort of? Is he not that independent? Is he trusting? Has there been a time he trusted someone too quickly or gave someone multiple chances?


END NOTES

Like I said, great base. I want to know a little more about Ryuunoske's personality though. Something that would really help with that would be if you tell me WHY he likes his hobbies. Does he like acting because it draws attention to him? Maybe he gets really horrible stage fright and hates attention, but loves pretending to be another person? This plus the interactions with his family and maybe more about how he interacts with friends would go a long way to helping me understand what this kid is like.

Make the edits, post in the thread and I'll go over it again!
things
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Ruggahissy
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Apologies, I've been busy and fallen ill. Will do this tomorrow
things
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Ruggahissy
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My apologies for the wait. Will be quicker from here on out.

- So first thing now that I'm doing a second pass on this. The family coming over in 1940 and going to an internment camp causes a lot of issues.

In 1940 there was already a pretty heavy racist sentiment against the Japanese and by February of 1942 placement in camps started. So I could not think of why of all countries this family would choose to come here in this environment.

In addition to that, families that were put in internment camps were only allowed to take what they could carry and many lost all of their possessions, homes and business. It's likely this family would be back at square one financially by the time they were released and have a huge impact on all of them, but the issue of internment is never mentioned again.

Easiest fix? Have them come over in 1955 or something. The dad isn't born until 1960 anyway.

- Speaking of the family move, did they move straight to Las Vegas or did they come to Arizona? Where did they come to live?

"Ichiro trained in making sushi, due to a family tradition of first-borns being sushi chefs, and cooking Japanese cuisine, because he loved the dishes and wanted to honor his heritage. "

This sentence is awkward. Would read better without the "and cooking Japanese cuisine" clause.

"Soon after Alexis became pregnant with their first child. "

Missing a comma after "after."

"With that Alexis and Ichiro decided to try for another child."

Missing a comma after "that."

"Since Ryuu wasn't bound by tradition Ichiro never thought about teaching him, "

Missing comma after "tradition."

"Due to the lack of possible roles Ryuu's parents allowed him to take dance lessons, ballet and hip hop in particular,"

Why did they sign him up for dance classes if he wants to act? They could probably sign him up for acting class or community theater.

"usually Mystery, Action, or Adventure,"

genres don't need capitalization

- Also the genres are interesting for an aspiring actor to take inspiration from. Action movies especially aren't usually notable for subtle, realistic acting. The genres of choice make use of very bombastic acting styles. Does he enjoy more over-the-top acting? Does he really like being loud and attracting attention with his acting?

"With so many hobbies and interests"

He doesn't have THAT much on his plate. He has no obligations towards cooking and swimming. His only real responsibilities are to acting if he's in a play and music if he's taking lessons or in band class.

"Ryuu's parents were never too involved in his school life anyway so they didn't notice if his grades didn't deteriorate."

Get rid of "anyway." It's a bit informal and it's redundant.

- is there a reason this family lives in Kingman if the dad works in Vegas and the mom doesn't work? Why not just move to Vegas, where he has been working since the kids were born? I'm under the impression the kids were born in Vegas and Ryuunoske wants to move anyway. Why are they in Arizona at all?

- I wish I could see an example of someone taking advantage of him because he's too trusting.

- On examples, could you give us an idea of what books/movies/music he likes in the appropriate paragraphs? It would add some character to know if he likes Con Air or if his favorite band is Arcade Fire or what have you.

"Ryuu is a good actor, that paired with being well liked by his classmates would allow for him to manipulate people easier; he has the skills to be convincing and they would want to believe he was telling the truth anyway. "

- This is a really clunky sentence. Maybe break it up into parts.

That's about it. More grammar on this pass. I feel like I've gotten a bit of a better handle on what Ryu is like. The most helpful paragraph was the one about how he tries to be respectful even to people he doesn't like.


Lemme know when these are done and I'll respond in less than a lifetime.
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