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Yugi's critique thread????; BECAUSE SURE WHY NOT
Topic Started: Mar 19 2015, 12:57 AM (1,300 Views)
Dr. Freud
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"Now everybody do the propaganda, and sing along to the age of paranoia."
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Right, I should probably link mine. Sorry, I requested it at like 1am. Here you go!
"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." -Sigmund Freud
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Yugikun
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maybe if you're lucky the random avatar will sync up to the character you're reading right now
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One spot left!
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Aura
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Could you review Lukas Graves, please?
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Yugikun
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Let's start it off with Critique: Davis Todd!

Well that went surprisingly quickly.

Despite dying at first rolls, and literally being the first person to die in TV2; Davis actually got a fair amount of mileage and a surprising amount of threads (almost as much as my character, who almost made top 15 :/) to the point where he manages to have a complete arc and have the placing of first to die not have the same problems that it had with Remi and (to a lesser extent) Dave Russel, with the death actually feeling like it belonged at that point in the game.

In his story, Davis plays the role of a man who’s just trying to make the most of the situation that he’s in; with all three of his threads beginning with him doing something fun that the area that he’s in provides. The past catches up to him however, with someone he made enemies with back at school (I think? I still don’t really know much about the Gabriel/Davis dynamic even after two threads of it) attacking him and beating the shit out of him. I dig the neutrality/just wanna have fun type of arc, and for Davis, it doesn’t wear out like it does in other cases of this arc due to him dying really early on. Something that I also like is the writing style with him, with his sentences generally being short and to the point, but with longer paragraphs that do show what’s in his head.

Something I don’t really like, however, is how fast the arc feels. In his last thread, for example he’s playing in the ball pit with Naomi and then suddenly Gabe is here and they’re fighting and suddenly he leaves and jewel arrives and suddenly he’s dead. I understand death deadlines and all, but the scene still feels like it goes way too fast, especially since the Davis/Gabriel relationship doesn’t really get much explanation for why they don’t like each other and why the fight comes out of that.

Overall, I did come out of Davis with a positive attitude of him in the end, but it feels like his story goes way too fast for its own good.

Next up: Ian Williams!
Edited by Yugikun, Apr 2 2015, 10:25 PM.
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Yugikun
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Let's continue with Critique: Ian Williams

Ian begins his SOTF journey in a one-shot in the Northern Town, and then moved to another topic in the same area. I got a pretty good feel for Ian as a character, and Vyse as a writer in these threads; he’s human, thoughtful, scared (although this isn’t something I’d peg Vyse as), long winded, and even legitimately funny at times. He wants to escape, and while he knows that he has no power, he entertains the thought in his head. He wants to find his friends, but he knows how unrealistic this goal is, having enough political awareness to know that only one person can get out alive. He meets up with a couple of people from school, and they decide to hole up in a mansion for a day.

Then he gets involved with the escape group.

Unlike some other characters involved, though, Ian isn’t messed up by the escape plot at all. This is mostly because he’s one of the ones that takes centre stage during it, and is far enough from Gavin to not be consumed by his attention-grabby antics. He gets separated from them soon enough, and becomes part of the recon team. Here, he has some interesting conversations with Mirabella about life back home, which kept me engaged enough to not procrastinate on it, and he goes slightly into the plot thing of wanting to see his friends again, which I don’t mind.

Here’s my main problem with him, though. He hits a major lull after this point, mostly in scenes when it’s Ian/Juhan/Takeshi. The three scenes that I’d say avert this are his fights with the Abattes (which I really like for what they do to his arc, but I’ll talk about that later) and his death scene with Mirabella. The problem with these scenes is that they more feel like they’re holding pattern during them, and nothing really interesting happens during them. I found myself procrastinating during these scenes, mostly because of lack of interest in them.

Like I said though, there are exceptions here. His fight with Paulo is not only really nicely choreographed, but does a lot good for Ian and his arc. Most of what happens, including both of his kills, his allies abandoning him, and his death kinda, result from him refusing to step down in this one instance, and from him wanting the last word in the matter. It’s actually really interesting, when you look at it knowing what’s going to happen in the future. His death, although it goes on for a bit longer than it should, serves as a really neat ending for his character (I really liked the timing of the “Heck yes.”) and as a catapult for his killers’ development.

Overall, I liked Ian a lot, and he’s a character who stands out in the escape plot without being ruined by it.

Now finish that pregame thread with Hansel.

Next up: Marcus Redder!
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VysePresident
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Long-winded, meticulous, & thoughtful. Mostly long-winded though.
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Thanks so much for your time & thoughts, Yugi!

I think you really hit the nail on the head in terms of how much that lull hurt him. It's probably my biggest regret in the entirety of V5, and the worst part is, it wasn't for lack of plans or opportunity. (I had some really fun stuff available to work with after Paulo died.) Part of it was just my life being a bit more of a mess than usual, but looking back, I think some of it might have been better if I hadn't been quite so hesitant. People were telling me how much they liked my character after I'd spent half the game thinking everyone hated him & me, and I was terrified of messing that up. :-/

I'd love to finish that Pregame thread if Naft's down for it. He & I had some plans, but life just seemed to constantly bite both of us pretty hard there, and I'm not sure there's any interest left. I might put this down in the "What Could Have Been?" Thread, if Naft's okay with it.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any pointers or feedback you'd like to share!

Character #1: Boy #37 Ian Williams - Now with 55% less self-insert.
Designated Weapon: Polaroid Instant Camera With Film (Enough for 8 photographs)

Past - | 1 | 2 | (Current thread - Birds of a Feather)
Pregame - None
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (Final Thread - Glass
)
Character #2: Boy #66 Chase Rodriguez - Adopted from Pippin.
Designated Weapon: Silver Pill Box Containing Three Cyanide Capsules

Past - None
Pregame - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | (Last seen in - Diversions)
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | (Final Thread - Drawing to an End)



(Relationships Planning Thread #Pi)
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NotAFlyingToy
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I'd love to finish that Pregame thread if Naft's down for it. He & I had some plans, but life just seemed to constantly bite both of us pretty hard there, and I'm not sure there's any interest left. I might put this down in the "What Could Have Been?" Thread, if Naft's okay with it.


Yeah, let's finish 'er off. I remember being really invested in that bad boy.

Liking these critiques so far, Yugi!
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Yugikun
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So my laptop decided to be awful and randomly clicked on an advertisement, deleting all the work I had on the Marcus review. I'm going to do it again, but I'm still bitter and it's definitely not going to be in as much detail as I originally had it.

Also, sorry for how late this is. I don't really have any excuse for it. Anyway, Critique: Marcus Redder

Okay, so the main gist of Marcus is that he's insane. The resort does bad shit to him very early on and he chooses to lash out at it. However, he doesn't like what he did and feels remorse for it, which develops into the pathological obsession with being loved and fear of being abandoned that leads him to kill two more people. I'd like to bring up another character of Sansa's Mirabella Strong for a little contrast. Mira's fall takes a long time to happen, with bad thing after bad thing piling up for her until she slowly reaches rock bottom and snaps. Marcus' snap happens a lot more quickly, which is probably due to the quicker nature of mini, with him snapping in the first 12 hours of the game and his changes in emotion happing much more quickly than Mirabella. The slower nature of Mira's fall makes it harder for her to get back up, though, and she isn't able to do it in the end. The quicker nature of Marcus' snap and the remorse for his kills, however, gives him a chance to be able to work himself back up, which he tries to do.

And he does it, kinda. Him meeting with Norma and what follows is probably my favourite part of his story, and it shows that insanity in SoTF characters isn't quite a one way street. Once the resort starts treating him better, and gives him someone who treats him nicely and won't abandon him, he works himself back up to a level which, while still not back to his normal self, is far different from the person who killed Jaxon and Angie. Parts of Marcus' schoolboy self come back when he talks to people, and he's actually able to make friends and talk to them. Problem is (for the reader, not for me, I like this part), he's still killed three people at this point, and people call him out and treat him differently because of it. Marcus' previous personality and themes of abandonment come out, which I find interesting. I feel that if he wasn't rolled this could have happened again, and he could have slid back into the insane "I just want Love" Marcus. That would have been notable, if that happened. While he's from a character archetype (broken gentle kid) which I'm not too interested in, as a reader, Marcus does enough with the concept and brings enough new things in that I feel that he's a pretty good read if someone was interested in doing that type of character.

However, Marcus' slides are a double edged sword, which brings me to my main problem with him. Before the meeting with Norma, he didn't have a stable point and he flipped between extremes a lot, which is pretty weird and jarring for me as a reader. First off, he's scared of the situation, but by his next thread, he's back to his pregame self in which he's a sweet boy who sees the best in everyone around him to his mistake. He flips back to scared and then he becomes remorseful and then he wants to be loved and its really odd for me to read. I suppose that this is due to the quicker nature of mini but having a more stable and less extreme base would have done him some favours, as a character. While his death scene isn't bad, and was probably the best death for him at the time, his parents being brought up a lot suddenly when they haven't before felt off to me, and the decision to have the killer do the death post (while unavoidable, due to OOC situations at the time) means that the best possible death post wasn't quite available to him at the start.

Overall though, I liked Marcus. His character archetype might not be my thing but it's definitely good when done right, as shown here!

Next up, Liam Brooks (and I promise that I won't take three months to do this)

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NotAFlyingToy
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how long is it gonna take then
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.

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Yugikun
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i dunno naft

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how long is it going to take?
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