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Death to Buddy; Open - Late Night, Day 6 - Now Day 7, Before Announcement - DZ'd
Topic Started: Mar 7 2014, 12:47 AM (939 Views)
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((Rutherford "R.J." Roger Jr: B032 -V5- Continued From Affluenza))

They had walked all the way up to here now, to the 3rd floor, after it had stopped raining. Even then, the crisp air was still filled with the scent of rain, the wind providing the nicest chill. It reminded R.J. of home. He and Maddie were sitting in a car, watching as the night grew darker, R.J. keeping himself occupied by daydreaming and rolling the windows down. It was an old car, so it had a handle.

"I wonder how old this place is."

R.J. rolled up the window once more, the wind becoming just a bit too much. He leaned the car chair as far back as it could, snuggling up in his jacket and letting his body stretch itself till it was comfortable. R.J. had been lucky really, he thought. He hadn't run into anybody that was hurt or was trying to hurt him, so that was a plus, and that was an advance above all the other days. He felt himself grow more tired and more ill all the time, but that was okay. All he needed was a bit more for this place. Sometimes everything felt more slow, more painful, but that was fine. Maddie was always making sure he felt okay and was doing well, and he lied to her and said that he was in return. Give and take, all in a day's work.

R.J. felt his eyes fluttering and growing heavy. His arms were letting themselves fall to his sides. Might be time for sleep now. He could feel himself falling, drums rolling to a marching tune and the thunder in his head clapping. He clasped his palms together, trying to think of a silent prayer. It was hard to focus, that was the main problem. He needed help.

"...Maddie, what do you think about?"
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R.J. nodded along to the things Maddie said, about not wanting to think of this place, not wanting to die. He had thought about those things too, after all. He just wasn't expecting her to be so open about it.

When she asked if R.J.'s question was answered, he continued to nod, never really looking at Maddie.

"Um, yeah, it did."

Really, he was at a loss of words at this point. There probably wasn't any way he could make her feel better anyhow. He looked out into the night as he left the silence between them alone.

What did it really mean for when you get broken? You can't go on, you lose it, you hate everything, you cause harm to those around you. That's what he thought it meant. Did that mean people were already broken? He still wasn't sure anybody on this place was bad, not really. Even after having run into Stacy yesterday, and then hearing she had killed two people today, he couldn't imagine her as bad, the way she seemed so worried about Miles. That meant she wasn't all bad, didn't it?

"Or maybe I'm just dumb."

He couldn't really justify anything that he had heard happened, about the murders or who committed them. It's not like this was new to him. SOTF had been around for a long time. 7 years ago, 2005. He was only 11, maybe even 10. Wouldn't it be dumb in trying to say all of those weren't bad, that everybody was just an unfortunate victim? Maybe it was easier for him to be told that then and believe, but he couldn't do that now, he was here.

He couldn't say he was only a victim now either, after Lauren. It would be disgusting.

"I don't think it'd be okay for me to go back home anymore."
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"Yeah, that makes sense."

His voice instantly became grave.

"Why not me, eh? Why not me..."

In truth, there weren't a lot of options of still sticking around that didn't involve some form of what she said. Didn't mean he liked it.

"I couldn't deal with it, living off this place. I'd probably go into hiding like one of the guys who actually did, and I just...can't. Not after what I did. That's not living, not to me."

...

"I want to try living a little while longer too though, I get that. I don't think, when it's all over, I'll end up in a good place. But even when it comes time, I think I still want it to be here, not some time after this. I'm scared...but also impatient, I guess."

...

"Why do you think we're still together? This...whatever, it's not gonna go on till the end."
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Safe. Out of everything, that stuck him the most. Lauren, fight, like, crimes, amiable, rely, help, me, Nina, forever, alive, other, bitter...

And there was still safe.

In his mind, there was resentment. As he looked at Maddie, there was regret. But again, those two have always been there with him, just now they grew and took different shapes. Maddie looked to R.J., genuine thankfulness in her voice and desperation on her face. So now, it made no surprise of why she felt safe. Also now was the way R.J. turned his eyes to the bags. Knife. Gun. He turned his back towards Maddie, his eyes finally falling to an end.

"That's nice...I'm happy you feel safe."

And now, finally, there was the dark and fear. His knees curled into his chest, shoulders and head lowering themselves and tightening. His hands had found themselves covering his ears, his eyes shut so tight it made him see spots under his eyelids. There was static in his head as the drums were going silent and the thunder was vanishing. What he was doing was simple.

Maddie wanted to live more then he did. She had said she wanted him to stay till the bitter end, so she had to know he'd have to die if that was what it came to. His shoes rattled against the car door, wanting to run away. His hands clenched harder on to his ears, a ringing sound flowing into his mind. When the bang came, he didn't want to hear it. When he was bleeding, he didn't want to feel it.

Through all of this, he knew this was always a possibility.

This is what he had prayed for.


"Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I should die before I wake,

Bless me Lord my soul to take."



He was burning.
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The hand was on his shoulder, it's grip tightening as she drawed closer, R.J. feeling her loom over.

Stopped breathing.

Air brushed his hair gently. He opened his eyes, and Maddie's hand left him. R.J.'s hands left his ears and fell wayward in front of his face, not sure what they were doing anymore. She asked him to say something, anything. Just so she could stop worrying.

"I'm so-...I'm fine...something."

She said a few more words, and he could hear her turn over to sleep. He buried the side of his face into the leather seat, fingers wrapping themselves around each other and lifting it to his head and finding curls of hair to twirl around.

He had time to think now. Even as he shuttered, he knew that it was only pain he felt. The wind now seemed soothing in comparison. His hands slid down his face and stopped as they made it to his lips. His teeth sunk themselves into one of his fingers, silently going deeper till they punctured just deep enough for a thin trail of blood to flow out.

Only a small amount of pain.

He wiped what was left of the blood on the outside of the car door, letting his hand dangle for just a couple of seconds. It hadn't stopped bleeding, and his hand felt clammy, but it wasn't something that was bothering him. Once again, his hands clasped together in a prayer position.

"...And so I ask for forgiveness in the fainting faith I have for my friends and enemies, with each thought of doubt troubling those around me...and I ask for my tendency to ask you for things when they turn dire to also be forgiven..."

With a small sneeze, R.J. fell asleep.

~*~

The announcement was his alarm, R.J. stretching naturally as he woke up and felt the soreness from sleeping on the chairs.

He yawned and sniffled as he grabbed his bag, wanting some food.

R.J. shook his head as he remembered what he had thought during the night, unraveling one of his ration bars and then chewing on it.

"These still taste like shit."

He grabbed his map, looking where they were at in case they needed to dip out if this place became a Danger Zone. Which it did. A long with a truckload of other places too. They were at the Nuclear Plant, which meant they had to go through the living site, the airstrip, or the woods to get anywhere...which were also all Danger Zones. Which meant they needed to go now.

"We ain't got any time to waste, gogogogogo!"

((Rutherford "R.J." Roger Jr: B032 -V5- Continued In Dreams Walk On Powerlines))
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