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Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
Topic Started: Dec 23 2013, 12:28 AM (7,998 Views)
Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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Hey everybody!

The Critique Thread is up and running again! As before, please mention whether you want any pre-game or memories included in the critique, as well telling me whether you'd like the critique PM'd or posted here.

As a note on the style of the critique, you'll see three sections in those posted below: Compelling, Dragging, and Nitpicky. Compelling is for what makes me want to keep reading your character, or compels me through their story with building momentum. Dragging is for what makes me get distracted or confused, adding drag to the story and killing the momentum. Nitpicky is for things I've noticed that don't necessarily belong in the dragging section for various reasons, and generally include smaller story issues that don't impact large chunks of the arc, or feel more "optional" in terms of whether fixing them is a good idea or not. As always, feel free to provide feedback of any kind on this format, I'm always looking to improve it to give the most effective, clear, and overall positive critique that I can!

The Fifth Queue is Open! For this queue, any characters who are not from BR, V1, V2, or are currently living are eligible for submission. I'd prefer handlers who have received a critique in the last queue wait a couple days before submitting a new character.

Past Queues

Current Queue
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Un-Persona
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Mains Shaggy Verde
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R.J. had a spot in the original~

Links in Sig. I'd appreciate it if you just skipped the Pre-Game, Memories pats ^_^;.

I'm fine with it being posted here.
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
Super Spoiler God Super Spoiler
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Flare
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*insert dance song here*
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Jack McDonald wasn't part of the original list (I don't THINK so, at least...), but it would be nice to get a critique on him. Just post it here, and be as harsh as you'd like.

Also no pre-game/memory stuff necessary.
Edited by Flare, Dec 23 2013, 01:40 AM.
V5 Characters:

Jack McDonald is a SELF-INSERT YAY.
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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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I'll add him in! He'll be behind anyone else from the old queue that claims in, but I'll get around to him once they're done :)
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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NotAFlyingToy
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the bass and the tweeters make the speakers go to war
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I *think* Baxter or Hansel was in the original. No idea.
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.

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V5
Future
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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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I'm pretty sure Hansel was? It might have been Baxter though. I'm pretty sure you were in the original. Who would you rather I critique? I'll just honor your spot with whichever one you'd prefer.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Aura
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Has seen that which cannot be unseen.
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I would appreciate it if you added Adonis Alba to the queue, if you please.

He's got some pre-game, and I think it's kind of important to his overall story, so please don't skip it.

Links are on his wiki page, which is right here.
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SansaSaver
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Player
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Bella was in the original queue, but I'm happy to step out if necessary! Also, is this restricted purely to V5? If that's not the case, then could you maybe please critique Marcus in Bella's place? I really don't mind, though - whatever's most convenient to you and everybody else! c:

(Also, could you please read Bella's pregame too? That’d be amazing! c:)
Version Seven:
Tristan O’Hara
Dorothea Rodriguez
Ariana Simpson


Past Characters:
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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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For the moment I'm restricting it to V5 because I like to keep my frame of reference when doing these, but I might open it up to other versions after this set! I'll add Bella to the queue for now.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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VysePresident
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Long-winded, meticulous, & thoughtful. Mostly long-winded though.
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Ian Williams was somewhere near the end of the queue, as I recall. I'd very much appreciate it if you'd take a look at him, including Memories. You'll find all the relevant links in my sig.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any pointers or feedback you'd like to share!

Character #1: Boy #37 Ian Williams - Now with 55% less self-insert.
Designated Weapon: Polaroid Instant Camera With Film (Enough for 8 photographs)

Past - | 1 | 2 | (Current thread - Birds of a Feather)
Pregame - None
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (Final Thread - Glass
)
Character #2: Boy #66 Chase Rodriguez - Adopted from Pippin.
Designated Weapon: Silver Pill Box Containing Three Cyanide Capsules

Past - None
Pregame - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | (Last seen in - Diversions)
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | (Final Thread - Drawing to an End)



(Relationships Planning Thread #Pi)
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MrMissMrs Random
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Shut up I'm in the robot
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I think Rosemary Michaels was in your queue as well, but if not would still appreciate getting a critique.
Version 6
Adelaide Walker-N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: TV on the Radio- Wolf Like Me

Frederick "Rick" Brea- N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: SOHN- Artifice

Version 5
(G006) Rosemary Michaels- Butterfly Knife: "H-h-heh..."- DECEASED
V5 Game:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-6 (Return)-9-10-11-12-FINAL



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NotAFlyingToy
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the bass and the tweeters make the speakers go to war
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DocBalance
Dec 23 2013, 03:47 AM
I'm pretty sure Hansel was? It might have been Baxter though. I'm pretty sure you were in the original. Who would you rather I critique? I'll just honor your spot with whichever one you'd prefer.
I'd prefer Baxter!
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.

V6
V5
Future
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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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Queue is up to date, unless the people who were in it previously claim their spot! If so, Jack will be moved to a waiting list and given the first spot on the next run through.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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Right. Time for CRITIQUE THE FIRST: AMI FLYNN

THE COMPELLING

I'll start off by saying that Ami has a lot going for her. Her writing is internally consistent and thematically solid, I was never confused about who she was as a character or what her motivations were. None of her interactions felt contradictory, and her tone has stayed even so far. I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of her arc if Ciel manages to keep the same level of quality throughout.

There is a reason Ami's memory thread is listed in Ciel's signature before her introductory thread on the Island. It is required reading if you want to fully appreciate this character, and what's more, it's a good read. This thread and its follow up in her early island interactions are a textbook example of a memory thread implemented correctly. There are so many callbacks to this thread, and save for one(which I'll get into later) they were interesting and well-paced. They really set Ami up as a character that's on the edge; she is steadily coming to terms that killing or dying are the only overt options on the island, and it's really up in the air which side of that proposition she's going to end up on. There is a lot of potential for Ami to snap and turn player, but there is also a lot of potential for her to stay in a purely protective or supportive role. While Ami's internal motivations are consistent and clear, it is impossible to tell OOC which direction Ciel is planning to take her, and I love that.

THE DRAGGING

There isn't a lot I can say I didn't enjoy about Ami. The main criticism I can level is somewhat premature at this point, and there is evidence to suggest that it's planned. Nevertheless, I feel that it's helpful to talk about Ami's overall role in the threads she participates in, and one thing that I feel could improve her already stellar interactions.

In the thread Good Day Sunshine, Ami internally remarks that she's following Ruby's story, and that her own story is much more well-hidden and lacking climax. The very nature of this remark shows why it's accurate: it's personal, silent, and never outwardly expressed. Ami has a lot of moments like this. The vast bulk of her narrative takes place in a space that other characters can't touch. All of the wonderful callbacks to her memory thread, and the memory itself, are completely hidden from view. Now this may all be a very intentional stroke by Ciel, and I'm not going to say it doesn't work. It's still very compelling to read. But I think it would be more compelling with input from her surroundings. I would like to see Ami express more of her internal monologue with those around her. I realize this is difficult so far since many of the characters she's been with are not people she knows well, and it may be that this is all part of some master plan Ciel has planned for her arc, and if so I'm thoroughly looking forward to the reveal. Getting that interaction and opening her up more to the world is the one thing I'd change about Ami's current characterization, though.

THE NITPICKY

There is one tiny niggle in Ami's threads that really set me off, for reasons I can't even fully explain. I don't know if it's an issue anyone else will have, but it completely took me out of the moment. In her first thread, Ultimately We Just Want To Be Happy, Ami is in the midst of another callback to her excellent memory thread, when suddenly this happens:
Quote:
 
Her mind began to flash images of possible outcomes, each one more morbid and forlorn than the last. Ruby getting shot, bleeding on an empty road, immobile, alone, dying before Ami could ever think to help....

The cut to the hyperlink out of nowhere was really jarring to me. It sort of shattered the fourth wall of the moment, and I found myself irritated by it. The sudden color change became a distraction for me, both when I started the post and once I was past it, which detracted from it as a whole. This may be a really stupid, stupid point, which is why it's under this heading, but on a personal level I'd advise away from employing this method again. While there is a risk of someone missing the memory thread and being very confused by her order, I feel the link in Ciel's signature is adequate and less intrusive.

In conclusion, I feel that Ami is a strong character with many avenues to pursue in the future, with a bit of room for growth when it comes to inter-personal interactions. I look forward to reading the rest of her arc as the game progresses!
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Ciel
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"That’s not a prediction, that’s a spoiler.”
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Great critique there man. I really needed to hear someone's thoughts on Ami, and to that end you've given me plenty to consider. Really glad you touched on the 'linking back to the memory thread' thing, because that was a point of contention for me when I was first writing the post!

Thanks, Doc! :D
V6

G052 - Reed, Jasmine - 0% - Falchion - START END
G060 - Pfeiffer, Scout - 100% - Sawlaska Thunderfuck 5000 - START
G025 - Reyes, Audrey - 0% - Nunchaku - START END

releases greatest hits album, is an one-hit wonder
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