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Ricky Does Countdowns!
Topic Started: Dec 15 2013, 07:11 PM (1,520 Views)
MK Kilmarnock
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That's right, I'm jumping on this bandwagon. I've wanted to get some practice in doing some of those countdown articles that you might see on... say, Cracked. I'd do videos if I had any skill at all in video editing (and if I could find my camera charger), but failing that, I figure I could channel some funny bone in my body to give you an entertaining list that categorizes some arbitrary subject in list fashion.

Obviously these lists would be primarily my own opinion, so what you might see on here might not match up with your own thoughts on what should be the best, or the worst, or anything in-between. To give something back to all of you, I do take requests as to what my next list should be, though I'll obviously only take the ones I have some sort of knowledge on - you probably won't get a countdown of my top 20 Ru Paul's Drag Race episodes.

I was thinking of making an inaugural list of my own choosing, but... eh, to hell with it, why not let you guys pick this subject as well? If you have any idea of what I should do a countdown of (top horror games, top Disney villains, top citrus fruits even), let me know!

Top 10 Games For Under 10 Bucks

Top 10 Disney Film Villains
Edited by MK Kilmarnock, Dec 25 2013, 11:07 PM.
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fuck yeah countdowns

Edit: Top ten games that cost less then ten dollars.
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MK Kilmarnock
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That is... not a bad idea at all. I wonder if I should count games that are free, or games that are only under 10 dollars if on sale (as with Steam games, for instance).

Hell, thanks to gog.com, I can get nearly anything under 10 bucks.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Greetings, loyal and loving denizens of the Granite Empire! Welcome to my inaugural countdown list. It will likely be stunted, awkward, and they'll always be largely naught more than representations of my own opinion. Yet, you will love them, or you'll be locked in a pillock and pelted with pineapples, horned melons, durian, and other unpleasant fruit covered in sharp protrusions. Tomatoes are for wimps.

When it comes to entertainment, video games can be up there on the 'oh fucking christ this is expensive' scale. It costs an average of 8 bucks to go see a movie and about 20 to 25 bucks buying that sucker on DVD or Blu Ray. Of course, these averages mean nothing if you just hop in your big ol' pirate ship and illegally download that sucker, but surely you'll be caught for such a horrid transgression, locked up and forced to share a jail cell with somebody who stares uncomfortably at you and won't let you take the top bunk unless you pay them off with cigs. Nasty escalation, that.

But video games these days, those suckers can be in excess of fifty, sixty... hell, some games have sold for more than 70 bucks brand new. Metroid: Other M even retailed for 80 bucks and... well, if you paid 80 bucks for Other M (or if you bought Other M at all), have a shoulder to cry on. Also you clearly can't be trusted with a wallet and should hire somebody to guard it from you at all times. It's a better investment, believe me.

Should the allure of gaming grip you in its cold, unfeeling fingers but there's moths coming out of your wallet, you should know that there are other options! There are plenty of perfectly playable (and damn fucking fun) games out there for prices even that pimply kid flipping burgers at your local Artery Clogger could affort, and they could be YOURS, too!

I present to you, without further ado, Ricky's Top 10(ish) games for less than $10
Note: 10 USD. We're not responsible for the shitty exchange rate between American currency and Granite Dollars.


10. League of Legends and DotA 2
The price: "Free"


The first two entrants on this list, tied for 10th place, are a little cheaty-face because while the games are technically completely free, they use a Free-to-play system that can get terribly draining on the wallet. They manage to avoid paywall-type stuff, but a few skins here, a shortcut to getting a champion there... whoops, you spent two hundred dollars on a 'free' game.

But seriously, if you have the self control to never spend anything on it, you've got yourself... well, either a grand ol' time or hours upon hours of people calling you a 'noob'. Really depends on how good you are at the game and, given that the difficulty curve is akin to running into a brick wall, these two entries are firmly cemented at slot number ten.



9. The Binding of Isaac
The price: $2.49 (Wrath of the Lamb is another $1.49


If a game where you play as a naked child who plays dress-up, cries tears and/or blood or even urinates to kill his enemies sounds appealing to you, then I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you are now on several watchlists and the FBI will be at your door soon. The good news is that there is a game tailored specifically to your disturbing tastes, and that game is The Binding of Isaac.

Binding of Isaac is basically what happens when Daddy Roguelike and Mommy Legend of Zelda get together and have an unholy satan-spawn. In one life, you have to traverse through a basement full of horrors ranging from headless children, spiders with the face of children, bloated children that spew blood from every orfice... yeah. You get the picture.

Also, just in case you feel like being violently fucked by the fickle RNG, buy Wrath of the Lamb. More powerful items! More powerful enemies! Have a run where you get the enemies, but not the items! Cry yourself to sleep!




8. VVVVVV
The price: $2.49


Vini, vidi, vici! If you have played VVVVVV, you are either crying or cursing my name. That is good. I relish in your pain. If you haven't played VVVVVV yet, WHY HAVE YOU NOT PLAYED VVVVVV YET!?

VVVVVV (that's the letter V six times, for the impaired, or those who get confused by what is essentially a giant squigly) is a fast-paced retro platforming game that features gravity-flipping as a mechanic. You bounce from floor to ceiling to floor again in an attempt to navigate spikes, enemies, and to collect trinkets. Note the word 'attempt', as in completing this game you will die. A lot.

A whole fucking lot.

No seriously, on some rooms I've managed to chalk up more than 100 deaths. This may speak as much of my persistence as it does my temporarily waning skill in the face of frustration as I die to the same obstacle repeatedly. If this sounds frustrating and off-putting, I should mention that not only is death a very rapid process in VVVVVV, quickly putting you back into the action after little more than a half-second death animation, but also that the most difficult parts of the game are actually completely optional and serve only as obstacles to collecting 'trinkets', which of course you need to collect if you want 100% completion. But if you just care about viewing the ending, go ahead and skip them.

Wuss.



7. Alpha Centauri
The price: $2.99


A mysterious planet is colonized by seven separate factions, all at the same time. Each looks to forge a new future from the dying Earth. How will they co-exist, forming and re-forging fragile bonds that must exist under the strain of celestial politics and carefully balanced- Hahahaha, I'm just kidding. Nuke those fuckers and call it a day.

Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri is something of a spiritual sequel to the Civilization series (which then went on to continue and be more famous anyway, so I guess you can call it an offshoot) that takes place in space. If you had to ask me, the biggest selling point of the game is that each faction has a leader with a colorful and unique personality who will respond to threats differently; CEO Morgan will try to buy his way through situations, Colonel Santiago of the Spartans will use military might to get her way, Sister Miriam of the believers is a bible pusher, and Brother Lal of the Peacekeepers just tries to keep everything from going straight to shit. So, naturally, he's the first fucker you kill off, usually.

Oh, and you can make a huge fucking missile that completely blows any war treaty or sanction out of the water and leaves a smoldering crater whenever you use it on some poor sap who suddenly wishes they didn't have such a petty vendetta with you.

But seriously, there are plenty of ways to win this game, whether it be through political superiority and being voted world leader, being an economical juggernaut and just buying the friggin' planet, or even ascending to another plane of existence through sheer brilliance. Or just nuke the fuck out of everybody.

Have I mentioned you can nuke people?



6. Terraria
The price: $4.99


An apt, but terribly unfair way to describe Terraria is that it's kind of like Minecraft but 2D. It's fitting, in a way, because that's how the game feels at first: you start in a beautiful forested world, chopping down trees, digging dirt and picking out stone in order to build the house that is the precursor to your glorious empire of blocks made to look like giant dicks.

Once you truly begin exploring, however, you stumble upon a slope of the slippery variety. It leads you onward and downward through an intuitive and thrilling progression of tools, armor and weaponry that sees you from having a tough time slaying a simple zombie and shivering in fear from a slightly angry bunny to slaying various body parts of Cthulhu. Where you were once a nobody in a world that couldn't care less about your existence, you are now a god king/queen of unholy pants-shitting terror as you rip through a world, reap it of all its glorious possessions and assets, and then coldly move on to another world to steal all of the resources from it so you can make another damn accessory for yourself.

Tl;dr: Minecraft with less depth perception and more death perception.


5. Beat Hazard
The price: $3.24


Beat Hazard is a pretty interesting game, to say the least. So, it's sort of like asteroids, if asteroids were high-res and veeeeery fucking flashy (seriously, if you even live in the same neighborhood as anybody with epilepsy, do not play this game. It is EXTREMELY flashy and you will feel like you're on a rollercoaster whipping you around a strobe light while the power rangers theme blasts through your ears).

The game's main selling point is that it's all set to your music library. You choose a song and the game calculates tempo, volume, balance and an assortment of other mysterious audio bullshit to concoct an array of asteroids, ships, slightly more annoying ships and even bosses to come out of nowhere and kick your ass while Freddie Mercury serenades your death. If this sounds badass, that is because it is badass. If this does not sound badass to you, you are a sad person and may Kefka have mercy on your soul (hint, he won't).

The price listed actually includes both Beat Hazard and its expansion, Beat Hazard Ultra. It's on sale right now, but both games together normally cost more than $10. However, Beat Hazard itself is around 3 bucks when not on sale. That being said, if you don't get Ultra, you're left with something of a gutted version of the game that lacks any of the cool features Ultra added, such as more dynamic scaling to your songs (the original can feel a little loosely related to your music) and more complex bosses as opposed to 'extremely large ship with blasty guns' and 'slightly smaller ship with blasty guns x 2'. It's worth the buy, but holy shit I cannot stress the epilepsy thing enough. Don't give yourself seizures, please.



4. Faster Than Light
The price: $4.99


Holy shit does this game look fun.

Oh, right. This is one of the entries on the list I have not actually played myself, but it gets constant recommendations from friends willing to give testimonials, and I went through the trouble of doing some research on the game. So, Faster Than Light is essentially a game where you captain this neat space ship that kinda sucks at first, but as you succeed at not dying horribly, you're able to upgrade your ship and be able to put up a fight against something slightly more menacing than a chunk of inanimate space rock which apparently comprises your earliest threat in the game.

I've watched a few demos, and the game really seems worth the five bucks. Just think about what you could do with five bucks. That's five chocolate bars. That's 1.25 pints of Ben and Jerry's. Instead of getting fat, you could be playing an awesome game about not dying in space. And getting fat. Because you're sitting still and playing a game rather than doing some sort of physical activity. You can't win 'em all, folks.


3. Fallout 2
The price: $3.99


If you appreciate the more recent Fallout games like Fallout 3 and New Vegas, there's a chance you could love Fallout 2. There's also a chance you could hate Fallout 2 because it controls entirely different from the newer games, which are First-Person-Shooter games as opposed to Isometric adventure-style role playing games.

Controlling Fallout 2 can be a little clunky at first, but it's an improvement over Fallout 1 and once you get used to the commands and get the hang of everything your character can do (and that happens to be a very long list), you should come to the realization that this is everything about Fallout you love. One of the most renowned games of its time, Fallout 2 has splendid writing, a well-constructed world, and so many choices you'll wonder just exactly how the developers thought some of this shit up.

My personal favorite? Playing with a character of sufficiently low intelligence will change nearly ALL the dialogue in the game. People who once treated you with even a modicum of respect will now send you on errands much as an owner tells a dog to fetch a ball, begging you that you not hurt your soft head on the hard rocks should you trip.



2. Planescape Torment
The price: $4.99


If I tried to list any of the major selling points behind Planescape Torment, I'd run the risk of spoiling something. The best I can do is that this 1999 game is considered to have one of the best stories of any computer RPG ever. It's often held in even higher acclaim than the early games in the Fallout series, which is what places Planescape Torment a spot higher on this list.

Anything is possible in this game, and I mean just about anything. Much like the world in Dungeons and Dragons from which this game takes its name as well as its setting, the environment is malleable to your actions and decisions, leaving incredibly open-ended choices that reduce you to a home-dwelling wreck if you were to attempt to find every little easter egg hidden in the nooks and crannies of this game.

You should notice a woeful lack of jokes in this entry because that's how serious I am when recommending this game. Okay, granted, it's 1999. This game is 14 years old going on 15. When it came out, some of us were still in diapers or watching Teletubbies (but not me, you whippersnappers). So if the game's a wee bit dated graphically, that's something you have to overlook.

Overlook it because this game loves you.


Finally, this leaves us with our number one game that costs less than 10 USD. Sure was a trial attempting to pick a game in a narrow category full of surprisingly prestigious titles but, after a few days of hard and rapid research, I've finally found what I believe to be the end-all be-all. Ladies and gentlemen, Number ONE on our list of games that won't leave you feeling like you shouldn't have tipped that prostitute so damn much:[/hotpink]






1. Runescape
The price: Your social life


Was it any real wonder that this game was number one? I mean... this number, by game developer Jagex, has been around pretty much forever. With a loving and caring community and easily exploitable economy, Runescape is the game that comes-a-calling to anybody who ever wanted to be sucked into an MMORPG. See beautiful environments! Kill monsters! Mine some rocks! Kill monsters! Die, lose all your stuff! Mine more rocks! Kill more monsters! Do surprisingly in-depth quests that actually involve you doing more than just going out into the woods and killing twenty bears and retrieving their asses and shoving them in the quest-giver's face! KILL MORE MONSTERS! MINE MORE ROCKS! GET MORE LEVELS! JUST PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME!


...

Well, actually, don't.

Not that Runescape is objectively a BAD game or anything; it's certainly lost its luster with me and it has become something of the butt of many an internet joke, but it is a perfectly serviceable RPG that is technically free... even if to have any REAL content, you have to pay out the wazoo for a membership and, should you stop paying for said membership, any equipment that can only be obtained my members suddenly becomes unusable (only slightly less irritating than if it disappeared entirely).

However, it is not the real number 1 entry on this list.

Before we get to the real number 1, though, an honorable mention!



Honorable Mention: Grim Fandango
The price: Like, 25 bucks on eBay


I wanted to put this fantastic game on my list so, so badly. However, the reason it's not on this list is because there is currently no way to purchase it online short of auction sites, where it holds prices that are generally in excess of 25 dollars, not counting shipping prices (which very well could exceed the price of the game itself, because sellers on eBay are cheating fucks). It's not on Steam, it's not on Gog.com (though it is currently the most requested game there, so who knows), it's not even on LucasArt's fucking website and they MADE this game.

Why do you want Grim Fandango?

Well, do you like any of the point and click adventure games from, say, Telltale? Sam and Max? Walking Dead? Strong Bad's Cool Game for... whatever?

Grim Fandango is like all of those and better. It's well written, has superb voice acting and direction, has an amazing plot and cast of characters, and has an atmosphere/visual aesthetic unlike any other game I have ever seen. It pains me that I could not include this as an actual entry on the list, or it would have easily grabbed one of the top slots.


And now, for your non-trolly number 1 pick.



The REAL 1. Bastion
The price: $7.49


When I say this, you have to understand that I do not say this lightly, and remember that it is just my opinion... but a very, VERY firm part of it.

There are three games that I feel, to me, are absolutely perfect. I strive to try and discover flaws in all the things I love, to recognize what makes them imperfect and then love them anyway. I don't want to sugarcoat things. Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw of Zero Punctuation fame has three games that he likes to put on a pedestal of perfection: Portal, Silent Hill 2, and Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. I have a similar pedestal, which also consists of three games. Mega Man X, Guilty Gear XX Accent Core, and most recently, Bastion.

Bastion is something of a tough game for me to describe. I could take the easy out and say it's an 'action' game, but it's so much more than that. Bastion is a top-down action/adventure game (think Diablo, and now think far, FAR prettier. ... And nothing like Diablo) where you play as a nameless character in a world where your name likely does not matter anymore anyway. Never speaking, the story in the game is almost entirely told from the narration of one man, a companion of yours and a person who has the same gravelly smoothness that one would expect from Morgan Freeman. This monologue, coupled with the game's award-winning soundtrack, evokes more emotion than any game of its sort has any right to.

If you don't cry near the end of this game, you are a monster. A horrible emotionless monster that would be right at home in the highest ranks of my army. We're recruiting, by the way. So if you didn't plan on playing any of these games, you could join-

Or you could walk off, readying your credit card. That works too.
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dmboogie
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You know, the top Disney villains list sounds interesting, so I'm gonna suggest that!
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X reasons why you should play Final Fantasy 6.
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I'd kinda like to recommend you to a pop culture website I'm associated with, due to your article writing SKILLZ, Ricky Slum God. O_O *bows*
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B035 - Ray Gilbert - DECEASED - Guy Fawkes Mask - Too Far Gone
G029 - Zoe Leverett - DECEASED - Machete - To Really Be Alone, To Pick At All the Bones
[/spoiler]
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[18:10] <Laurels> WWJD? Fuck corpses, apparently

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[15:16] <Naft> My college once nearly burned down because someone tried to make a bong out of dollar bills and the fire alarm didn't work
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MK Kilmarnock
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@ Boogie: Sure.

@ NAFT: DOUBLE SURE

@ Keaka: Aww, thanks. Lemme know about that a little more.

@ Dom: Ffffffffff I WANT to do this one, but I feel like my list would be woefully lacking in comparison to anything you or Deamon could throw out there and I'd basically be consulting with you to the point where it's your guys' list as opposed to mine. I'll keep it on the backburner, though.
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Really well put together. Nice one.
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MK Kilmarnock
Dec 22 2013, 08:25 AM
@ Dom: Ffffffffff I WANT to do this one, but I feel like my list would be woefully lacking in comparison to anything you or Deamon could throw out there and I'd basically be consulting with you to the point where it's your guys' list as opposed to mine. I'll keep it on the backburner, though.
I actually seriously want to throw together a thread so I can write countdowns like that cause my tastes are super different to yours in a ton of ways.
V5:
B035 - Ray Gilbert - DECEASED - Guy Fawkes Mask - Too Far Gone
G029 - Zoe Leverett - DECEASED - Machete - To Really Be Alone, To Pick At All the Bones
[/spoiler]
Quote:
 
[18:10] <Laurels> WWJD? Fuck corpses, apparently

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[15:16] <Naft> My college once nearly burned down because someone tried to make a bong out of dollar bills and the fire alarm didn't work
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Just something of a PSA concerning the Fallout 2 Entry. I've probably played it more than a dozen times, and it is easily one of my top ten games ever. However, if you intend to play it, please please please please get the Restoration Project mod for it. It adds a HUGE amount of cut content to the game and fixes numerous horrible bugs that are present in the unpatched version. Don't play Fallout 2 without patches. It's almost as bad as New Vegas in that respect.
#B051: Gavin Hunter - Equipped with oh gosh a whole lot. "Well, we break for two months and I'm now suddenly in high definition..."

[08:46] Ghost of Ravenstar: I love the AF2011-A1 as it fits Gavin's perceived personality so damn well.
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Dec 22 2013, 09:21 AM
Just something of a PSA concerning the Fallout 2 Entry. I've probably played it more than a dozen times, and it is easily one of my top ten games ever. However, if you intend to play it, please please please please get the Restoration Project mod for it. It adds a HUGE amount of cut content to the game and fixes numerous horrible bugs that are present in the unpatched version. Don't play Fallout 2 without patches. It's almost as bad as New Vegas in that respect.
THIS BUT KOTOR 2
V5:
B035 - Ray Gilbert - DECEASED - Guy Fawkes Mask - Too Far Gone
G029 - Zoe Leverett - DECEASED - Machete - To Really Be Alone, To Pick At All the Bones
[/spoiler]
Quote:
 
[18:10] <Laurels> WWJD? Fuck corpses, apparently

Quote:
 
[15:16] <Naft> My college once nearly burned down because someone tried to make a bong out of dollar bills and the fire alarm didn't work
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Ghost Of Ravenstar
Dec 22 2013, 09:21 AM
Just something of a PSA concerning the Fallout 2 Entry. I've probably played it more than a dozen times, and it is easily one of my top ten games ever. However, if you intend to play it, please please please please get the Restoration Project mod for it. It adds a HUGE amount of cut content to the game and fixes numerous horrible bugs that are present in the unpatched version. Don't play Fallout 2 without patches. It's almost as bad as New Vegas in that respect.
THIS BUT KOTOR 2

(which I forgot to shout at ricky to include on this list cause you can get KotOR 1/2 for around $10 together)
V5:
B035 - Ray Gilbert - DECEASED - Guy Fawkes Mask - Too Far Gone
G029 - Zoe Leverett - DECEASED - Machete - To Really Be Alone, To Pick At All the Bones
[/spoiler]
Quote:
 
[18:10] <Laurels> WWJD? Fuck corpses, apparently

Quote:
 
[15:16] <Naft> My college once nearly burned down because someone tried to make a bong out of dollar bills and the fire alarm didn't work
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MK Kilmarnock
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Well, our tastes are bound to be different. You're actually welcome to collab with me as we each do our own lists so we don't oversaturate the market on countdowns. XD

It'd be funny, since we'd put them side by side and my lists would be hyper mainstream and yours would be... pretty much an IWC consensus. So yeah, why don't we do that sometime?
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