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Persy and Naft's Excellent Critique Adventure; DANANUNUNUNUNUNUNUNUNUNU
Topic Started: Nov 29 2013, 10:51 PM (4,775 Views)
Un-Persona
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Mains Shaggy Verde
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So.

This is probably an awful idea BUT SCIENCE BITCH.

Me and Naft are fusing to form the super mega critic.

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You see what had happened was, me and naft we're scheming our usual night time schemes last night on chat, but then we had an actual good idea and we were all like:

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But being that most of our late night schemes aren't very plausible/successful, we decided to sleep it off and see if it was still a good idea today and it totally may be:

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While this is a new critique thread, we decided it'd only be fair if we still did the requested critiques we promised to do but haven't yet, so sorry for the long wait, but hey 2 for 1 deal:

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With that, some RULES THAT YOU NEED TO FOLLOW FOR MOST EXCELLENCY

1) If you have a character that was critiqued by one of us and not the other, YOU MAY NOT RE-SUBMIT THAT CHARACTER FOR THIS THREAD.
2) If you've had a character that was already critiqued by both of us, it should be obvious that the above also applies here.
3) If you already have a character on one of our lists and they haven't been critiqued yet, you may not submit another character for right now. We appreciate your patience.
3.5) If you had a different character on each of our lists, well lucky you. You're still gonna get them c:
4) While we are still doing our old critiques, we live on the edge so we're allowing new submissions for critiquing, barring that they don't fit the above and you get them in before the 10 limit cap fills in. That's right, we're putting a cap in this ho.
5) We don't reserve for characters who don't exist.
6) You may not request characters that are not yours.
7) No characters that have only been in pre-game/sandbox.

Ze Old Reserves


Ze Fresh Subsmissions


And Remember:

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Do you have a favorite Persy and Naft adventure? Here they are listed below!
Episode 1: Took A Wrong Turn At Adonis.
Episode 2: Maynard We Have This Dance?
Episode 3: Aren't You Glad I Didn't Say Brianna?
Episode 4: Sharon Is Carin. But Not Really.
Episode 5: Where In The World Is Carmina Maliski? (Guest Starring Laurels)
Episode 6: Adventure Time With Finn and Us
Episode 7: Total Emerson
Episode 8: Warren Not So Peaceful
Episode 9: We Got The Moves Like McDowell
Episode 10: Owen To The Fact (Guest Starring The Alphabet) & (A Live Performance by The Jackson 5)
Episode 11: Hansel Held High (Un-Persona's Editorial and Commentary)
Episode 12: Ami Given Sunday (Guest Starring Dom)
Episode 13: Cardcaptor Sakurai
Episode 14: Meera Meera On The Wall
Episode 15: Takes Juhan To Know Juhan
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
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NotAFlyingToy
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Southern motherfuckin' democratic republicans.
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Everything he says is correct. Results may be completely ridiculous but should prove somewhat entertaining, if not always helpful.

Also, let us know if you want it handled in private, since we're likely to be posting the public critical analysis here.
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.

V6
V5
Future
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dmboogie
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A Delicate Machine
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Could you please critique Alice Gilman, my oh-so-shiny fused critiquing overlords?
a tribute for the dead and dying

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Emprexx Plush
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Paige/EP/Plush, they/them pronouns pls thanks :3
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I'm throwing Garrett into this because it's glorious. Linkeys are below.
SotF Characters

the highest honor i'll ever achieve


Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Ciel
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"That’s not a prediction, that’s a spoiler.”
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I am going to be incredibly disappointed if you guys agree with each other and never bicker.
V6

G052 - Reed, Jasmine - 0% - Falchion - START END
G060 - Pfeiffer, Scout - 100% - Sawlaska Thunderfuck 5000 - START
G025 - Reyes, Audrey - 0% - Nunchaku - START END

releases greatest hits album, is an one-hit wonder
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NotAFlyingToy
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Southern motherfuckin' democratic republicans.
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We thought that we'd show you guys what you're all in for, so here: NotAnUnPersona presents:

Critique: Adonis Alba

Welcome to the first Fusion criticism! Naft will speak in this colour!

Fuckin A. There we are. Purple.

Okay! So, Adonis. Adonis is pretty neat, and also something of a good development for me, because he’s an example of a character that most people knew to be an asshole in pregame, but when he got on island, turned out to be not that much of an asshole whatsoever. Now, where this becomes cool is that it doesn’t feel like Aura forced the story into a place where it wasn’t ready.

Right. Adonis is definitely a guy a lot of people think of when they first wake up on the island, and that’s great, showing the infamy he has made for himself. But again, he’s only a jerk, not a serial killer, and Aura does something that I really love in that he actually makes Adonis realize what he’s doing wrong before the island, and comes off a lot more mature and sensible then many of the other kids when he’s actually on it.

A great example of this can be found in his first thread (I love how easy it is to quote kids like this), where he’s confronted with both Mallory and Hansel, two… well, not so reasonable individuals. Immediately, this encounter sets the tone for Adonis being the rational one - quite a switch from his pregame showing!

Exactly. It’s especially nice in that it’s all very natural. The pacing is great, the timing is just right, and you can believe that the Adonis on the island and the Adonis off the island are the exact same person, even though it’s still amazingly odd how you could show someone those threads and say they aren’t the same character, and people would totally believe you, or at least I would.

However, while I like Adonis a lot as one of Aura’s kids, I do think that AMF does tend to lean a little too heavily on the interior dialogue - many times throughout Adonis’ posts, I see italicised internal conflict. While that’s great for the reader and the narrative, in a roleplay setting it’s generally more useful to the scene as a whole if you’re able to convey those inner thoughts with facial expressions, shifted weight - basically giving the characters and handlers around you some stuff to play off of, just to keep the scene fresh.

This is the part where we become Siskel and Ebert. By that, I mean I’ll have to disagree with Naft here right quick and say I didn’t mind the italicized thoughts at all. Adonis has a lot of personality to convey and is great with the emotional simplicity he carries. We can, or rather I can, see a lot of things from his point of view when he’s on the island and it’s relatable because he’s not subtle or mysterious. It’s on a point where I can see him as a good, or rather reasonable, person rather then a good character, but he’s that too, so it’s a nice bonus.

If we’re Siskel and Ebert, dibs on the handsome one.

Favourite Quotes:

Naft:
Quote:
 
During his burst of laughter, Adonis tried to calm himself down enough to say something to the guy, maybe give him a fine greeting. Unfortunately, whenever Adonis looked at him, he only saw the lightsaber in his hands, and he started laughing all over again. Eventually, Adonis stopped laughing and looked at the poor bastard. He could only muster up a few words, still chuckling a bit from the sheer absurdity of the situation.

"Dude... what the fuck?"

The reason I love this quote so much is that here, AMF displays a nice little talent for the absurd. The scene itself is also really good - from Adonis’ hurried explanation about the Mallory/Hansel/Adonis three way of douchery to Bianca’s confused attempt to sort it all out. Here, when Luca unveils his toy lightsaber, we get this delightful reaction. Glorious!

Persy
Quote:
 
"Can I get back to my game now?"

Such a simple marks such a magnificent turning point for a character. This is his from his pre-game thread “How I Spent My Suspension” and it’s great because from up until this point, Adonis has only showed us his asshole side because that’s all there was to him. But here, we see him thinking, evaluating the troubles he’s put himself through and what he’s done to others. Yeah, he got in trouble for good reasons, but can a man just play a game without getting kicked while he’d down? It’s great.


Final Grades:

Persy: A-
Naft: B+
Edited by NotAFlyingToy, Nov 29 2013, 11:59 PM.
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MurderWeasel
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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This looks far too fun. Are you guys limiting it to V5 only?
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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Un-Persona
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Mw
 
This looks far too fun. Are you guys limiting it to V5 only?


We are not. There is room for some Mini/VX kids. Long as the cap isn't full and we haven't done it, floor is open.
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
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MurderWeasel
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Since I talked with you both in chat and you didn't balk, I'd love it if you'd take a look at Karen Ruiz who starts here. (Her pregame starts here; it's optional reading, like pregame typically is, but does set up quite a few things that happen later.) Thanks a ton for doing these!
V7:
Juliette Sargent
Alton Gerow
Lavender Ripley
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Un-Persona
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Holy cow this is a lot longer then we anticipated.

Critique: Maynard Francis Hurst

MayNEEEEERD! Sorry, bit of shenanigans on my part. Maynard is an oddity to me, in that when I usually think of characters, I think of their personality and traits, but all I can think of is his narrative and the writing style. By writing style, I mean words. Lots of them, the words I remember most often are the adjectives and the descriptors because there are so many. Even more odd, I don't think this drags Maynard as down nearly as much as it would should he have been written by someone else, which is impressive in some sort of way that I don't think I have the dictionary that has the words required that fits this.

Ahh, Maynard. Maynard, Maynard, Maynard. I have very mixed feelings about Mr. Hurst, and in him we can find a study in good execution and defined characterisation, sprinkled with a few questionable writing choices, in my opinion. But the good first! Maynard’s one of the more bold concepts in terms of his character - it’s awesome to see a writer take a character that isn’t the most competent or complex of people in a survival situation and refrain from basically making fun of them in narrative for it. Maynard comes across as earnest - loyal, trying hard, and doing the best he can through it all, and the narrative assists this projection wonderfully. Also, I absolutely agree with Persy - dude’s a nerd, and that bleeds into his story! Really cool!

Yeah, it’s still pretty easy to see Maynard’s character throughout out all the words it’s hidden behind, I’d even say it’s very upfront about it. He’s right slab at the beginning of developing a different kind of attitude about thing, but let’s not get there yet. To talk about Maynard we should delve into those he’s allied himself; Natali and Adam. Adam is pretty much the default leader and Natali is something of a caretaker, while Maynard has no idea what he’s doing, and he’s very aware of that! What’s interesting is that Adam and Natali don’t seem to mind all too much about Maynard and what he’s not doing, so it seems like he’s extra hard on himself because of it. The best way I can describe it is it’s like a little kid trying to help his grandparents in the kitchen but is holding out on the pancakes making themselves.

Absolutely. I think the reason why I like Maynard is that in him, SansaSaver (COMIC SANS) found the perfect blend in terms of a group, especially in the sense of the balance. We have three ideologies in Natali, Adam, and Maynard, and all three can basically be summed up by their first thread on the island. Adam became strong and the do-it-quickly guy, the dude who led the group out of necessity. Natali offered Maynard a hug and agreed with Adam. Maynard stood around with piss in his pants, but he stood around earnestly. Before I move on to what I feel can be improved, Persy, let’s hear about this potential change in Maynard’s attitude!

Alright so Maynard and friends are doing the usual Maynard and friends things, walkin, talkin, and then, the announcements come on. Your friends are dead. Well, not all of them, but Maynard reacts in a way that seems natural and reasonable but isn’t all too present on the island. He doesn’t cry. He sobs and weeps. That really caught me because that was not something I can remember happening with a lot of other people, and I’m not sure it happened with anyone else at all. And further-

Definitely. Boy snotted up the entire room and was generally all gross. But it definitely felt real and vivid! It reminds me of this one time, at my uncle’s cabin-

*Shoves Naft out of the way* ANYWAY. Where was I? Oh, right. That was very special to me because it’s so very emotional. He can’t hold it in because it hurts too much to hear how your friends died and he has to let it out, because that is too hard to hold in for some. This is fantastic. It makes me feel. From that point on, Maynard is on point with how his emotions make me enjoy reading him, which is a fair amount. He’s a bit more subdued and a bit more testy in some places, but he’s still good ol’ Maynard, and that’s good to see

Yep - and on that note, I’m going to bring this right back around to what I think are questionable writing choices. Now, nobody is exempt from a few slip ups here and there, and on the whole they don’t detract a whole lot from Maynard as a character. However, there are three things I’d like to note that I feel detracted from the experience. Firstly, Sansa (COMIC SANS) ...Get a life, Persy. Firstly, your early showing as Maynard had a lot of ellipses peppered throughout the dialogue, and it was used almost as a crutch to illustrate his stuttering and halting speech. It’s not as bad the further he goes into the game, but it’s still prevalent in some areas. My challenge to you, Sa- friend, would be to find another method of illustrating he’s stuttering and stammering without having so many “...”’s peppering the dialogue.

I will agree that nobody is perfect, because they aren’t, but I would like to peck at something different. Basically, COMIC SANS, when you’re describing something, stop and take a second back and ask “Is this important? Does this add to the story? Would the reader care?” If no to all of those questions, scrap it.

Well since Persy STOLE MY SECOND POINT I’ll jump right to the third. Your narrative is slightly inconsistent when describing things. One thing that jumped out at me is, when you were writing about how Maynard had urine in his pants, you changed the vernacular from ‘pee’ or ‘urine’ or ‘soiled pants’ to ‘piss’. And it really jumped out at me and shocked me slightly, because up until that point, his narrative read as serene, earnest, and almost snowflake-y in innocence. Remember to keep it consistent!

And with that, we’re off to ruin some innocent lives at the pub. And hopefully Naft will keep his “keeping pants on” routine for a new record.

I’ll have you know that six minutes is a family record

Favourite Quotes:
Persy
Quote:
 
"Onwards. I guess."

And here we have that development I am loving so much in two compact sentences. It’s just so very nice to see someone hit harder by the deaths of his friends then others in such a short but reasonable amount of time. It’s a light for great things to come.

Naft
Quote:
 
The crackle of the announcements only served to make it worse, and Maynard was in the process of rubbing the sore spot when the death toll arrived. The rest of the announcement went by unheard the second the name was said.

Daniel Whitten.

Hooo boy. It’s two parts sympathy for Maynard and the fact that he just lost a dear friend of his, one part awe at the way that this statement is so poignant and powerful, and one teensy part evil, sadistic laughter that my character did this to yours.

Mwa ha ha HA HA HA!


Final Grades:

Naft: B for Breally good
Persy: B-
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
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Rattlesnake
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Now you may be wondering, who was wearing the bolo tie? Me or the shark? Answer: YES!
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I've held off on these critique things so far but I wanna get Katarina in on this so hard

edit profile and start
VeeFive


V4


NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.

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SansaSaver
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This critique is very colourful. I like it.

Thanks PERSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYY!!!!! *triple-combo-mega-super-awesome-glomp-tacklehug* and Naffy! You rock!

I'll try and work on everything you discussed. c:

Thank you agaiiiiiiiiin!!!

(Ooh and also if I'm allowed could I please request little Marcus Redder tooooo? Hopefully he'll have a wee bit more stuff when you get around to him. c:)
Version Seven:
Tristan O’Hara
Dorothea Rodriguez
Ariana Simpson


Past Characters:
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Deamon
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Humans...
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Throwing Jasmine Stone into this because I reckon it'll be funny. She starts over here. Also like a DVD extra there's a sandbox thread here if you feel like it.
Kimiko Kao - - - - - - - The Lagniappe
Travis "Trav" Lynch - - They Stumbled Into Faith and Thought
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Shock Me

V5
Unknowns
"They'll tell you failure is not an option. That is ridiculous. Failure is always an option. Failure is the most readily available option at all times. But it's a choice. You can choose to fail. You can choose to succeed."
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selphie_trabia
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Since Sarah Tan is my only survivor, I'd like a critique of her please. I need to know areas where I can improve my writing. However, while you may need to read Inky's posts to get perspective on the character, could you please disregard them from the overall critique.

http://sotf.wikia.com/wiki/Sarah_Tan

Selphie
Old v4 player.
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NotAFlyingToy
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Southern motherfuckin' democratic republicans.
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Aww yeah, a character who I share initials with.

Critique: Brianna Battalgia

Ah, Brianna. One Word: Depth. Seriously, this girl’s profile is longer and more thought-out then some essays I’ve written. I kid, but not really. But anyways, depth. Brianna is intimidating to read because of how long her posts and narrative can be. Words upon words upon words upon words upon words and you get my point. Still it’s not headache inducing. Surprisingly Brianna’s point of view isn’t as flowery or thesaurus-prone as I was expecting it to be, and I’d even dare to say it’s fairly casual. Fairly, as Shangela still does throw a splish-splash of fancy prose here and there, although it’s especially evident in her opening one-shot, and those aren’t bad at all. They’re just really hard to find because of everything else in the way that sometimes make it a chore to read to find the good stuff. Diamonds are only worth so much when laboring through the rough too many times.

Right off the bat, I was expecting Brianna to feel a bit preachy, seeing as her opening post had a lot of flowery stuff about being Girl #74. It was thematic, striking, and utilized very strong, bold language, emphasising the theme of the piece. In a sense, I can consider Brianna’s opening one shot almost separate from her other game threads, due to the way that she really ‘comes back to earth’, if that makes sense. Also, I see what you’re doing, Shangela. Brianna Battaglia, Aiden Adelman, Dianna “Dee” Dixon. Added alliterative appeal!

Making your character say “shit” is a great way for me to relate to them. It also shows that Brianna is a lot more grounded then I could have expected her to be. She’s smart, but she’s no know-it-all poindexter, she’s confident and friendly, but she’s not balls-to-the-wall about protecting her allies and takes her time with thing, and she’s also a bit of a commander in some ways, but she’s no obsessive control freak or anything like that. She’s actually a pretty middle of the road in terms of actions and ideals from what I understand/see. Makes her pretty believable as something of a Co-Leader in her little group.

Yep! And what I like about the group is that I’m continually waiting for it to just… fall apart. There’s a lot of strong personalities present and it’s almost the opposite of what we were discussing with Maynard, Adam and Natali. Where those guys all fill a particular niche in the group dynamic, Brianna and company get by on seemingly sheer force of will. It feels natural and dynamic - especially when dealing with Theodore Fletcher. Some nice, high
octane performances from everyone involved with that thread. However, it wouldn’t be a critique without some negative feedback!


Correct-o-mundo. I think I only have one negative thing to Brianna, and while that seems light, it’s a big one. Cut down, lean back, and make your posts shorter. With all this weight you’re giving the reader, chances are that a lot of people are going to straight up ignore Brianna and not give her a chance because of how massive her walls that are called posts are, and I almost did too. I shouldn’t go “Ugh” when I remember how tedious it can become when re-reading a post. I’m sorry if this is harsh, it’s just that this is the most clear cut way and honest I can say that, because there is a lot of good stuff in Brianna, but make it easier on us.

Yeah, there is such a thing as too much verbosity and density of posts. It’s definitely a strength of yours, but as an audience member I tended to disengage sometimes when I was in a particularly wordy section, which interferes with my enjoyment of the character greatly. Also, it seems that your line breaks occasionally go wonky, so I’d recommend previewing posts a little more frequently to weed out the problem children.

And that’s a close to another episode of your favorite critiquers. And by favorite, I mean me.

Well done, critiquing doggy. Off to your kennel now; we have a big day tomorrow.

Woof woof, mutt.

Favourite Quotes:
Persy
Quote:
 
Oh, shit.

Yeah, I already mentioned this previously, but I really relate to her when I can see that she’s normal. Nothing like delving into “shit” to show that you can be grounded, and it’s easy on the eyes too.

Naft
Quote:
 
“I am not, nor will I ever be 'Girl-number-seventy-four.' I am Brianna Battaglia, and I promise that we'll find a way off this island. Together.” With her mission clear, Brianna Battaglia left, resolute in her mission. The camera watched her ever step now.

If I may be stereotypical - this whole post was beautifully crafted as a piece, and this particular quote I feel really identifies you as a strong writer and Brianna’s story as one to pay attention to as the game goes on. Establishing this sort of overarching theme this early is a ballsy move, and I applaud your creativity for coming up with it.


Final Grades:

Naft: B

Persy: C-
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