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I haven't read enough v5; Therefore I must do this
Topic Started: Jul 30 2013, 07:39 PM (1,452 Views)
D/N
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Guy Maddin's favorite A.D.
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Alright folks, gimme your characters. Post here and I shall read and review (be that review one sentence or one hundred) the first five in a disorganized and haphazard fashion that likely won't be much use to you. One handler per character, plz. POST NOW, MULES!

v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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Skraal
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Why, hello there.
[ *  *  * ]
Could you go through Timothy Abrams, then?
Survival of the Fittest Version 5

Survival of the Fittest Version 7
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Laurels
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Cause what you see isn't always the truth
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Please read and critique Claire Monaghan if you could. Thank you very much.
V6 Cast

V5 Cast

Chat, Art, and Fun Stuff
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Espi
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Beep Beep
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Gwen O'Connor.

http://s10.zetaboards.com/SOTF_V2/topic/7455641/1/

Go wild.
V5: Cut Short


V6: Broken Down


V7: Unprepared
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SansaSaver
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Player
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ZOMG, critiques.

Could you critique Mirabella Strong, pretty please? :3
Version Seven:
Tristan O’Hara
Dorothea Rodriguez
Ariana Simpson


Past Characters:
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dmboogie
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A Delicate Machine
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Would you kindly critique Alice Gilman?
a tribute for the dead and dying

Posted Image
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tetsucabra
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Hey girl hey
[ *  * ]
Uhhh, sure, if you'd wouldn't mind reading through Megan's stuff as well, that would be pretty ballin'.

EDIT: Also, she shares all but her recent thread with Mirabella Strong, so that would be like killing two birds with one stone.
Edited by tetsucabra, Jul 30 2013, 07:45 PM.
The Past

V7

V7 Relationship Planning
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Will
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Player
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Could you critique Finn Grant please? :)
V6 Characters:

Posted Image------------------Posted Image
----Cassandra "Cassie" Venus--------------------------------Eleanor "Elle" Duval----------

V5
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D/N
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Guy Maddin's favorite A.D.
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
1) Timothy Abrams
2) Claire Monaghan
3) Gwen O'Connor
4) Mirabella Strong
5) Alice Gilman

If I'm feeling especially magnanimous I MIGHT do Megan and Finn, but no promises, at least this time >_>

Right, thanks to all.
v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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Un-Persona
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Mains Shaggy Verde
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
I would like very much if you would critique Venice for me. All threads are in the sig. Please and thank you.

Edit: Bah, I was too slow.
Edited by Un-Persona, Jul 30 2013, 08:00 PM.
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
Super Spoiler God Super Spoiler
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Aura
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Has seen that which cannot be unseen.
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
If you have time, I would appreciate if you read Adonis Alba.
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image

Characters

Posted Image
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D/N
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Guy Maddin's favorite A.D.
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
TIMOTHY ABRAMS

OK, so Timothy starts out the game by meeting up with Michael and Rachael, and they all bond together as horrible nerds (alongside Corey, who I kinda like as the obvious outsider of the group). Timothy's first couple threads were kind of a slog to read. As a character, he comes of as being spergy and a bit annoying, and his dialogue feels stunted. This isn't helped by the fact they they all immediately dive into that old chestnut of a SOTF plotline: "let's look for Friend X!", which, as I think I've written about before, is pretty much the most overused plotline in board history. The obvious twist in the tale comes with Michael's deafness, though, and that might be worth something.

Ah, but thankfully, Friend Daniel ends up dead on day 1, and that improved things immensely. Timothy introducing the idea of lying to Michael about Daniel's death is a new wrinkle that I don't think has ever been explored in SOTF, and while I don't think it's a strong enough narrative hook to support an entire beginning-to-end SOTF story, I'm looking forward to what it leads to. More stuff needs to be introduced to keep me reading Timothy in the future, but I do think that both his character and story have gotten a lot better over the past couple threads.

Character-wise, as I read along I get like a faint sense of nostalgia when I read Timothy, a theme of his thinking of things as they used to be, wishing that they could all be back at Disneyland or at school, that sort of thing, and that ties into his character as a whole -- someone whose driving needs are safety and security. That's a good thing, because a security-oriented character like Timothy can come off as incredibly flat and dull, so my advice would be to keep pressure on him, keep forcing him into situations like lying to protect his friend, and don't let him just fade into the background as "just another guy". He's always in danger of doing that, of having post after post where he merely reacts and states facts in a monotone.

v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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D/N
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Guy Maddin's favorite A.D.
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
CLAIRE MONAGHAN

Like Timothy, one of the things that stuck with me about Claire is that both her character and her story are much improved in her last couple threads as opposed to her first couple. That's obviously a natural extension of both the handler finding their footing in writing the character and the character finding a storyline and goal that's not "wandering around aimlessly", but it's still good to see happen. Because threads like Wisteria Lane, featuring characters and groups staring at, calling out to, or pointing weapons at each other before going their separate ways, are just awful and pointless, even if through no fault of the handlers themselves.

Now, as far as Claire herself goes, as I started out reading her I found myself nearly buried in an avalanche of italicthoughts and references, and that's not a good thing. Again, this got better as I went on, but my biggest advice would be to really think before using either of those. I mean, of course Claire is the filmmaker girl. That's great. But for every reference that makes the reader go "buh?", that's something that keeps us from connecting with her as a character. What are the babies from Uzumaki? Who the hell is Doctor Orpheus? Beats me. Now, references can work even if they're not understood (Claire has a long rambling thought section after the first announcement that's more about her panicking than about the various references she makes at one point, for example), but they shouldn't be popping up twice in every post. And italicthoughts work much the same way. They're like an invisible wall that keeps the character at a distance from us. Since we're already reading them from a perspective that lets us know their thoughts, they're often unnecessary. Most of them can probably be bettered simply by changing "I", "my" and "our" to "She/Claire", "our", and "their", and getting rid of the italics completely.

On to the good things, like I said above, I finally started getting a real sense of who Claire was once she got the hell away from Wisteria Lane and into the hospital. I got a feel for how overwhelmed she felt by everything, and it was one case where the italicthoughts actually worked. I wasn't sure how much the plotline of burying bodies fit her character, but it actually does make sense seeing as how it wasn't her idea, and she only agreed to it because it gave her some sort of goal to work towards, some sense of accomplishment that she'd been looking to find since she first woke up. I don't know how well it'll work out for her in the end, but it makes me at least somewhat interested in finding out. And as Claire discovers, burying bodies isn't exactly a walk in the park. Her dialogue does come off as being too on-the-nose at times, but it's not bad; it certainly can be worked with.

Again, in getting a sense of Claire over her last couple threads, my advice going forward is to keep that up and give us more. Get your hooks into her and let her bleed all over the screen rather than using italics and passive tense to keep her at a distance. There's a lot of potential in her as a character.


v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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MrMissMrs Random
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Shut up I'm in the robot
[ *  *  *  * ]
If you are still accepting characters for critique, mind doing Rosemary Michaels?
Version 6
Adelaide Walker-N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: TV on the Radio- Wolf Like Me

Frederick "Rick" Brea- N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: SOHN- Artifice

Version 5
(G006) Rosemary Michaels- Butterfly Knife: "H-h-heh..."- DECEASED
V5 Game:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-6 (Return)-9-10-11-12-FINAL



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Aloha
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Player
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Veronica McDonald, if you please
Characters

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Arts!


Open to constructive criticism!
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